Violent Relationship

[Really Worried]

I have being with my BF 2 years now. For the first 1.5 years we had a very good relationship. Recently he is finding fault in everything I do and this is really annoying and upsetting. I was drunk one night and when he was moaning on about something I had done wrong, I slapped him on the arm. He returned the slap, but with his fist and then continued to hit me. He said, if I hit him then he will hit me back. I was really upset and this shook me up. Then for the next few months or so, every so often when we argued I would slap him (always on the arm, and it was never hard), I think I was trying to see what he would do. He has continued to punch me several times back, leaving me with several bruises on my arm, he is now lifting items (eg. shoes etc) and using them to hit me. I don't know what to do, I feel it is all my own fault for starting it. I have now stopped hitting him as I now know what his reaction is going to be, but every so often he hits me anyway, saying I have pushed him to it and it is all my fault.

 

Could anyone please offer me advice. I was brought up where my father always said that a man shouldn't hit a woman. I didn't think there was anything wrong in giving him a wee slap on the arm.

 

Thanks

[Nicky]

I have being with my BF 2 years now. For the first 1.5 years we had a very good relationship. Recently he is finding fault in everything I do and this is really annoying and upsetting. I was drunk one night and when he was moaning on about something I had done wrong, I slapped him on the arm. He returned the slap, but with his fist and then continued to hit me. He said, if I hit him then he will hit me back. I was really upset and this shook me up. Then for the next few months or so, every so often when we argued I would slap him (always on the arm, and it was never hard), I think I was trying to see what he would do. He has continued to punch me several times back, leaving me with several bruises on my arm, he is now lifting items (eg. shoes etc) and using them to hit me. I don't know what to do, I feel it is all my own fault for starting it. I have now stopped hitting him as I now know what his reaction is going to be, but every so often he hits me anyway, saying I have pushed him to it and it is all my fault. Could anyone please offer me advice. I was brought up where my father always said that a man shouldn't hit a woman. I didn't think there was anything wrong in giving him a wee slap on the arm. Thanks

H E L L O!!! A N Y B O D Y H O M E?????

 

You shouldn't hit him, and he shouldn't hit you. PERIOD.

 

What will it take for you both to realize how unhealthy this is? Are you stupid? One of you could get seriously or fatally injured. And you're odds on favourite in my books.

 

Just because you're the weaker sex, doesn't give you licence to hit him. Nor should he respond. Now the boundaries of what's right and wrong have been pushed beyond healthy and sane limits, and developed into a normal and acceptable scenario for your relationship.

 

This relationship is desperately unhealthy. Why fix something so broken? I doubt if it will ever be possible to stop you both returning to your old ways whilst together, which have now become habit.

 

Counselling should help teach you both how completely unacceptable this behaviour is, as clearly neither of you have noticed.

 

It will help to break the habit & prevent you taking this to new relationships, and should tackle why this has occurred. I suspect that there are much deeper emotions behind this. You will certainly not solve any problems with your fists, and you are equally responsible in this dsyfunction.

[Bliss]

Really Worried

 

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. I think you know what you have to do, but you want some backup. Of course, it's not the right thing to slap anyone (unless it was a really light playful slap in good humour, you know what I mean) but it's not your fault that your boyfriend is hitting you. Sounds like he just needed something to set him off. Otherwise he would just say something like "I don't like that, please don't do it again". Was he hit as a kid? Most likely. I was hit as a child and if somebody ever hits me violently, my first instinct is to go ballistic and beat them up (not that I should). In that case, he has some serious childhood anger to deal with.

 

Unfortunately if he's not willing to admit he has a problem and work on it ( and I have a feeling he won't), this is not going to stop. It's probably lucky you found out now rather than when you were married and had kids and couldn't leave so easily. Believe me, if a guy treats you badly when you have the choice to leave, he's going to treat you ten times worse when you can't.

 

In the meantime, you have to ask yourself why you were testing him out. Were YOU hit as a child?

 

Best of luck

[Tony T]

Any man that strikes a woman, unless he is direct fear for his life, is the lowest form of primate on the planet...and the most dangerous.

 

So if he is finding fault with everything you do and most recently showing the ability to be violent, you should be packing this weekend and your friends should help you move out on Sunday.

 

Let us know where we can Email you on Monday!!!

 

You do want to live, don't you???

[Jon]

Hey, im kinda in the same situation you are in. Accept im a guy and my girlfriend hits me and slaps me all the time. We could just be teasing around or joking with each other and she will hall off and start punching me and slapping me in the face as hard as she can. I have bruises all over my arms and she even scratches me sometimes. I was brought up to NEVER hit a female unless in a life threatening situation. I tell her all the time that it hurts and I don't appriciate it but she just laughs and tells me good and that i deserve it. I have to hide my arms and my chest when im around my friends or family because Im afraid they would say something if they saw all the bruises that i have. I would never leave her because im totally in love with her and i need her in my life. (she is the most beautiful lady in the world to me) The relationship is really good besides the pain she inflicts upon me. Im unsure also on what to do about this. This weird fetish that she has is REALLY painful.

I have being with my BF 2 years now. For the first 1.5 years we had a very good relationship. Recently he is finding fault in everything I do and this is really annoying and upsetting. I was drunk one night and when he was moaning on about something I had done wrong, I slapped him on the arm. He returned the slap, but with his fist and then continued to hit me. He said, if I hit him then he will hit me back. I was really upset and this shook me up. Then for the next few months or so, every so often when we argued I would slap him (always on the arm, and it was never hard), I think I was trying to see what he would do. He has continued to punch me several times back, leaving me with several bruises on my arm, he is now lifting items (eg. shoes etc) and using them to hit me. I don't know what to do, I feel it is all my own fault for starting it. I have now stopped hitting him as I now know what his reaction is going to be, but every so often he hits me anyway, saying I have pushed him to it and it is all my fault. Could anyone please offer me advice. I was brought up where my father always said that a man shouldn't hit a woman. I didn't think there was anything wrong in giving him a wee slap on the arm. Thanks

[Nicky]

Hey, im kinda in the same situation you are in. Accept im a guy and my girlfriend hits me and slaps me all the time. We could just be teasing around or joking with each other and she will hall off and start punching me and slapping me in the face as hard as she can. I have bruises all over my arms and she even scratches me sometimes. I was brought up to NEVER hit a female unless in a life threatening situation. I tell her all the time that it hurts and I don't appriciate it but she just laughs and tells me good and that i deserve it. I have to hide my arms and my chest when im around my friends or family because Im afraid they would say something if they saw all the bruises that i have. I would never leave her because im totally in love with her and i need her in my life. (she is the most beautiful lady in the world to me) The relationship is really good besides the pain she inflicts upon me. Im unsure also on what to do about this. This weird fetish that she has is REALLY painful.

It's not a fetish it's a problem, and it needs to be sorted. Females can be equally aggressive as men, and seem to think they have some kind of immunity, b'cos there is the unwritten code that men shouldn't hit them back.

 

A friend of mine was in a marriage for 10 yrs. His wife beat him. It got worse and worse. In the end one day he flipped, and ended up pouring scalding water down her. He got arrested, and sent down, she got off scot free. Is this where you want to be in 10yrs?

 

Recognize she has a problem. recognize she needs help. This won't simply go away. What if you have kids together?

 

She has to learn that this is no way to communicate, and to sort out the fundamental problems she clearly has. She needs counselling BADLY, and you're not doing her any favours by just going along with this.

 

PLEASE do something for both your sakes! Good luck!

[Tony T]

These are YOUR words from your post:.

 

"I would never leave her because im totally in love with her and i need her in my life. (she is the most beautiful lady in the world to me) The relationship is really good besides the pain she inflicts upon me..."

 

So you are saying you NEED to be punched, slapped and beat up. Wow, what a concept!!!

 

She slaps and punches you in the face and you have bruises and scrathes on other parts of your body and you LOVE this girl. There is a word for this: masochism It is treatable with massive doses of psychotherapy.

 

This is the sickest kind of relationship. If the most beautiful lady in the world to you is one who is prone to physical violence, I hope you will explore examining your values and priorities. You may think you love her now but when you come to your senses...she has you punch drunk now...you will truly regret being around her.

 

YOU ARE IN VERY BIG TROUBLE AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

 

A day will come when you have had enough and you're likely to do something to her in retalition that could get you jail time or a death sentence.

 

I urge you to look a lot harder at this situation. I have never been brutalized by a woman but, if I were the very first time, I would consider it mortally insane for me to stay with her.

[Nicky]

These are YOUR words from your post:. "I would never leave her because im totally in love with her and i need her in my life. (she is the most beautiful lady in the world to me) The relationship is really good besides the pain she inflicts upon me..." So you are saying you NEED to be punched, slapped and beat up. Wow, what a concept!!! She slaps and punches you in the face and you have bruises and scrathes on other parts of your body and you LOVE this girl. There is a word for this: masochism It is treatable with massive doses of psychotherapy. This is the sickest kind of relationship. If the most beautiful lady in the world to you is one who is prone to physical violence, I hope you will explore examining your values and priorities. You may think you love her now but when you come to your senses...she has you punch drunk now...you will truly regret being around her. YOU ARE IN VERY BIG TROUBLE AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. A day will come when you have had enough and you're likely to do something to her in retalition that could get you jail time or a death sentence.

 

I urge you to look a lot harder at this situation. I have never been brutalized by a woman but, if I were the very first time, I would consider it mortally insane for me to stay with her.

Tony is so right. I think you should take a long hard look at your situation.

[Jon]

Well i DON"T want her to punch me and i know it is not right but what should i do. Im not exactly the best looking guy in the world and i have always had problems getting a pretty girlfriend. (i don't want someone fat or ugly.) This girl is really beautiful and is pretty enough to be a super model. I more than likely will never find me another lady that is that beautiful. Most guys fall to there knees when they see her because she is soo pretty. I pretty much worship the ground she walks on. Is there any way to change someone like this. I would do anything not to loose her.

These are YOUR words from your post:. "I would never leave her because im totally in love with her and i need her in my life. (she is the most beautiful lady in the world to me) The relationship is really good besides the pain she inflicts upon me..." So you are saying you NEED to be punched, slapped and beat up. Wow, what a concept!!! She slaps and punches you in the face and you have bruises and scrathes on other parts of your body and you LOVE this girl. There is a word for this: masochism It is treatable with massive doses of psychotherapy. This is the sickest kind of relationship. If the most beautiful lady in the world to you is one who is prone to physical violence, I hope you will explore examining your values and priorities. You may think you love her now but when you come to your senses...she has you punch drunk now...you will truly regret being around her. YOU ARE IN VERY BIG TROUBLE AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. A day will come when you have had enough and you're likely to do something to her in retalition that could get you jail time or a death sentence.

 

I urge you to look a lot harder at this situation. I have never been brutalized by a woman but, if I were the very first time, I would consider it mortally insane for me to stay with her.

[Tony T]

You say: "Most guys fall to there knees when they see her because she is soo pretty." Well, most guys fall to their knees because they are begging her not to punch them out!!!

 

If being beaten to a pulp on a daily basis is the price you are willing to pay for being with a pretty girl,it's your life. But be forewarned that one day she will be the ugliest woman on the planet. Yes, eventually when the newness wares off, her behavior will make her very ugly. THAT'S U-G-L-Y.

 

Your self esteem is obviously ZERO and that is why you keep her around. Decent women are not nearly as looks-oriented as men are. There are many, many nice looking ladies that would love you forever...and you wouldn't have to offer yourself as a punching bag in return for their company.

 

I have heard of men buying women with gifts and money but this is a new one for the books. May I have the movie rights?

 

What you are doing is absolutely insane!!! Please don't tell me any more!!!

 

For my money, you would be so much better off with a really attractive blow-up doll.

[D]

To Really Worried and Jon

 

I was in a similar situation where my husband hit me regulary. He never give me a black eye or anything, just bruises on my arms. It got to the stage where I was really scared, I wasn't sure what he was going to do next. So one day I told him, if he ever touched me again, I was going to ring his boss at work and tell him what he was doing. He knew I would do it, I am a very determined person. Since that day, he has never touched me.

 

I can see him reaching boiling point some times and now instead of hitting me, he goes out to the garden has a smoke and comes back in really calm.

 

I do still worry that one day, the threat of me telling his boss may not be enough. But for the last two years it has kept him from hitting me and when he retires, well, I will think of something else.

[Totally Confused]

First of all, you are not responsible for anyones actions. He is violent, because HE is violent. It is in his nature and it is who he is. You are not making him that way. No one can force a person to be somebody they aren't, unless it is already who they are capable of being. When he raises that hand to hit you, it's his brain that's tells his reflexes to do it, cause it's a decision that he has made, unless his arm is connected to your body and your reflexes controll his arm. You may cause him to get angry, but it's his decision how he wants to handle it. You say something that upsets him, or you slap his arm. Here are the choices his brain has to make.

 

1. Hit her back

 

2. Tell her very nicely "Please don't hit me, that wasn't very nice and I don't appreciate that violent behavior."

 

3. Tell her you can't see her anymore, because you don't want to be with an abusive girlfriend.

 

These are a couple of choices that he could make. HIS BRAIN, chose #1, because it is comfortable to him and it is in his nature. You had nothing to do with it. The fact that you are testing him by giving him little hits, and waiting for his response, you already know deep inside that it's not you and it's really him.

 

Now I don't know what you want out of a relationship, but judging from your posting, this isn't it. You seem to already know that this is not normal behavior, and your Dad is right... Men should NEVER, EVER hit a woman, even if she hits him (though hitting in general is not good or appropriate for either sex). Even if a woman hits a man, a real man is judged by someone who is able to control his temper and strength, in difficult, confrontational and stressful situations. Not someone who is going to fly off the handle over the small things. How would he treat your kids (if you were to have children with him). If the kids were to act up or get whiny or something, would beating them up be the solution. Judging from the way this man works, it sounds to me like that is how he handles stressful situations - through violence. I know you may love him and have strong feelings for him, but you have to love yourself too. At least, enough not to put yourself in this situation any longer. You're really putting yourself in danger. It may sound dramatic, but it's true...this man is dangerous and it will only get worse over time, as he has already proven. You'll start to lose yourself and become self-conscious the longer you stay with him. You will slowly start to believe everything he says that is negative about you, unless you get out right away. If you don't, you'll end up learning the hard way. If your daughter or best friend were dating a guy like this, don't you think you'd be angry that someone was abusing them emotionally and physically? Wouldn't you want them to get out of that relationship? When emotions are involved, I know it's hard and I know you wish he'd change...but he's not going to. Don't wait for him to put you in the hospital to finally come to that realization. You have to learn to find the strength and will to get out NOW. You probably also may feel that your situation is different than any other abuse cases, because you know him and you know he's capable of having a good side, if only he'd stop the abusive side. Well, every single abused woman has thought exactly what you are thinking. That's why these abused woman stay in the relationships for so long - hoping the man will change, or not really believing that they are in danger or with a sick man and thiking, but my situation is different. WELL YOU ARE with a sick and abusive man and you're situation is no different.

 

I hope you find the strength to leave. Leaving someone is never easy. But if you don't start looking out for yourself and making good decisions for yourself, no one else will be able to help you. Remember you are also responsible for your actions, and any decision you make, are the decisions you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life, not anyone else. Try to have as few regrets in your life as possible. You can only do this if you think with your head sometimes and not always with your heart - if the person is bad for you. Love is supposed to lift you up, support you and make you happy. This man brings you down and hurts you, which means, he's bad for you.

 

Good luck and I hope everything works out.

[Wiser Woman]

Good name for you because you should be really worried. Things got kinda off track on your own original post.... but a "wee slap" on the arm isn't a license for your boyfriend to TOTALLY over react and leave you with bruises. And, yes, your continued behaviour in slapping him almost seems like you wanted to know just how far you could push him. Well, now you've found out and it looks like a monster has been created. The fact that you have stopped SLAPPING him is GOOD, the fact that he continues to HIT you is NOT. Using the reasoning that you "push him to it" is bull&*^% and the words of a coward. NO ONE is entitled to slap, punch, hit or abuse another person. If you continue to put up with this behaviour I guarantee you it will only get worse. If he feels he has to abuse you in any way it's time for you to leave - period.

[Tony T]

Dear D:

 

I am truly happy you were able to get your husband to cease beating you. However, in my opinion, it is horrifying that you need to use extortion to keep yourself from being battered in what is meant to be the most sacred and loving institution on our planet.

 

As for his retirement, just think...he'll have a lot more time to spend with you.

 

It brings me to tears to read any post where people are being phsically abused...especially when they perceived themselves to be helpless in doing anything about it.

[Lisa]

I agree with Tony. He has "trained" you how to treat him. And the ironic thing is that your behavior has changed, not his, while he is the one with a problem and he should be the one dealing with it, no you. This is very sad and it will only get worse. Your husband should defintely seek treament for his violent temper. If you have children god help them. They will not be sophisticated enough to deal with his temper in such a way as to protect themselves. This will only escalate. And children learn what they witness. This creates a cycle of abuse.

 

It is good that he has stopped beating you but no one has a right to hit another person. This process only delays the inevitable. Please get him help before he hurts you badly.