How to win her back, atypical situation

[moonmoon]

A week ago I my gf broke up with me. I feel like it is atypical in a lot of ways, but it will take me a long post to give all the details

 

we both left it as "any time you want to hang out and do something, let me know." - I said that to her in the hopes of leaving the ball in her court but unfortunately she said the same thing to me also so that diminished the intention of me saying that.

Initially she referred to it as breaking up, but she also referred to it as a break, i think moreso as a break, when we went into conversation.

She comes from a place of far less experience, she gave her virginity to me, and has not ever been in a serious relationship before. She felt like the time and emotional commitment was too stressing.

 

The guts of what Im getting at here, is the fact that she is a very laid back person, and in the courting period as well as through a lot of the relationship, it has often been her style to not really call, moreso than any other girl ive been in a relationship with. We shared a lot of truly amazing experiences and loved each other deeply so i know this was her style, and not a factor of not caring about me a lot.

 

I have kept NC for the week we have been broken up, I think we have a lot of potential once I sort myself out, but I think she is atypically quiet and unlikely to start calling out of the way she is in particular regards to calling.

 

The situation was already established when we broke up that we both wanted to hang out, and I think and fear there is a large chance that she would take a prolonged NC as lack of interest or lac of desire to work things out and I feel NC could backfire. Please let me know how you guys feel, I want her and feel we have potential and she was obviously uncertain as to whether to call this a breakup or a break so the door has not been slammed shut

[BCCA]

First, NC is a means for you to heal. It will only 'backfire' if you attempt to use it as a way to try and manipulate someone, or cause a reaction in someone else. It's not for that. Again, its sole purpose is for you to get over this breakup as fast as possible.

 

Next, you need to understand that here is no magic formula or plan anyone can give you to even give you a good chance that she'll come back. You cannot control what someone else does, and its best to accept that now. Any manipulations or tricks you try and use will fail and make things worse than they are.

 

Now, you need to be realistic. You're broken up. A break is something you do at work when you run downstairs to get some coffee, there is no simple 'break' in a relationship. A lot of times, the person doing the breaking will try and spin it as 'taking a break' because 1) it doesnt sound so harsh, so they dont have to feel so guilty, and 2) because then they havent completely burned the bridge if they change their mind. Before you get too excited about #2, just know that they arent keeping you on the hook because they want you back, but more likely because youre the 'if all else fails' plan.

 

It's good to do some self reflection, but I see too many people make the same mistake: the blame themselves for everything, and figure that if they can fix everything thats wrong, then they'll have their ex back. Wrong. Dead wrong. While its good to take responsibility for your part in the split, realize it takes two to tango. Everything, good/bad/otherwise, was both of your faults equally. Unless she gave you one specific reason, say "i cant be with you because of your drug use/etc" then there was probably a lot of reasons you dont know about and she'll probably never tell you. So, trying to fix things you dont even know about is going to be painfully agrivating and will get you nowhere. Also, if she wanted you to change so you two could be together, thats what she would have said. Chances are, she doesnt want you to fix anything, she just wants out.

 

Where there is a will, there is a way. If she wanted to talk to you and figure things out, your phone would ring. I know, its easy to give yourself excuses for why NC wont work, or how she might think youve lost interest if you dont call, but check out the endless number of posts where people thought the EXACT same thing, and see how it turned out for them. Most people, in fact almost everyone, accepts NC as the right thing to do only after they've wasted weeks/months, and have made themselves feel like crap over and over.

 

Ask yourself this: If you were interested in a girl, and saw a potential for a long term relationship, would you dump her? Honestly? No, there is no way you would do that, you risk making them upset at you, losing them forever, etc. She wouldnt either. I know this sucks, and it hurts to realize it, but you have to view that door as closed, from your side if nothing else. She broke up with you, anything she said about it being a break or whatever else was only so you wouldnt hate her and she wouldnt feel like a total jerk.

 

Here is really your only choice: Stay NC and consider this a done deal. There is always a chance that things could change, but hope will make you crazy if you dont look at things for what they really are. I'm sure you feel crappy now, but dont prolong the agony. Stay NC, focus on doing things for yourself, and try and get over this as best you can.

 

Good luck, we're all in the same boat.

[moonmoon]

thanks for the response BCCA i appreciate the input though there is some stuff I dont agree with.

I have read dozens of posts about break up/ break / NC situations and maybe I didnt specify some of the details well enough to make it clear as it is to me that im not in what I see as more typical situations.

I have a lot of faith that there is potential and Ive been in much longer more serious relationships to understand when things are doomed.

 

one reason she said it would be time for a break is because she had finals coming up, i have my LSAT coming up, and she will be out of town for the holidays for a few weeks.

 

I also feel like a door was left open by both of us saying we still wanted to hang out, and I feel like it would be letting that opportunity to build a more solid foundation pass by to not talk with her.

[moonmoon]

what i am asking i think is that, considering i know the contact will be broken eventually, and I dont believe I can wait till January, how long should I wait for her to contact me before I go ahead and contact her myself.

[BCCA]

what i am asking i think is that, considering i know the contact will be broken eventually, and I dont believe I can wait till January, how long should I wait for her to contact me before I go ahead and contact her myself.

 

I know you probably dont like my advice, but never. If it was me, I would plan on never making contact with her again. If she doesnt contact you either, I guess it wasnt meant to be.

 

Regardless of what you do, if I can help you out or give any other insight, I would be glad to. I'm sorry for being such a downer, but I try and be realistic because thats what helped me.

[northstar1]

what i am asking i think is that, considering i know the contact will be broken eventually, and I dont believe I can wait till January, how long should I wait for her to contact me before I go ahead and contact her myself.

 

If you contact her, be prepared for one of two things to happen: 1)She doesn't reply 2)She replies, but it isn't what you want to hear.

 

Contacting an ex, rarely, if ever satisfies the craving you have. The urges can be overwhelming and you can rationalize why it's a good idea till the cows come home. And most of of have been there, thinking "IF I don't contact them, they will forget about me" , or "If we both do NC, then we'll both move on because we think they dont' care".

 

If you cannot stop the urge until January, then go ahead and contact her, but just prepare yourself for the worst, because 90% of the times on this board, that is what people come back with.

[moonmoon]

Ok, to get this more on the track of how im feeling and what Im thinking about, assuming the best, that she may call soon since thanksgiving is right here and its often a time for reflection, - - how do I avoid the trap of looking too happy that she called, what is a good way to set us up for further positive communications and eventually casually hanging out again.

[4by4]

moonmoon,

 

Your situation is almost identical to mine. EX-GF is not a total b*tch but wants to take a "break" and says she doesn't feel the same romantic attachment anymore.

 

I was torn in the first week as I still wanted to win her back too. At the same time I knew I couldn't stay friends with her and risk putting in more time and effort for no good reason.

 

My ex really wanted to be good friends, to still have me as a big part of her life. She even asked me to take holidays with her and I reckon i could have hung out with her every week if I wanted to. Suffice to say, she gave me plenty of signs she still felt somethign for me and there was a "chance' for us to try again. Yet I wasn't going to get involved with this "break" that had no date or certainty. It makes no sense to try and win someone back when they clearly lost feelings. You will not be on equal footing when you win her back, even if you succeed. It's a lost cause.

 

Take my word for it.. staying around doesn't improve anything, nor will expensive gifts and the "improved" you. When a girl moves on it usually means she has thought it through and mentally prepared for this date for a very long time. I tried for many months to save my relationship yet her mind was probably made up a year ago. I now realize I should have let her go much earlier, maybe now I would be happily in love again with someone else.

 

I now it's hard to accept, but I don't rate your chances that highly in terms of winning her back. You could prove me wrong of course and I hope you do. But I made my decision to walk away and stop hurting myself not because there was no chance of reconciliation but because I knew I ddeserved someone better. My decision to let go wasn't easy but if you respect yourself and love yourself, you'll come to the same conclusion.

 

If nothing convinces you to stop hoping, do yourself a favour and at least stop contacting her for a while. A couple of months at least and see if she calls. She knows where to find you if she wants to find you.

 

There is nothing you could do apart from trying to move on.

[moondogg]

Well I think maintaining contact is you holding on to a false sense of hope.

 

When u go nc, u and maintain it, u are also sending a signal that u are doing fine without her and ur not running after her........that in its own rite makes her wanna sit back and re-evaluate, because now she realizes that you are doing fine without her.If you pursue her,she might feel that she is in controll and is calling the shots, but going nc shifts the power in your favour.....she will come running back to u at some point.

 

Just get more hobbies,get on with your life without her, if she broke up with u, it was for a reason.

What is being said here is not what u want to hear but rather what you must hear.

 

I just come out of such a situation and when she broke it of with me I tried blaiming myself and fixing stuff which did not need fixing, I WASTED ALOT OF TIME in the process.

 

Especially when she gives you that "friends" speech.

I only started to heal and get on with my life when i started nc, i wish i had come accross such a forum back then.

 

Contacting her only makes it worse, she might see u as a wussy,not strong and that ur life only evolves around her, proof her wrong.

Those are the qualities that will win her back, but u should still not be trying to win her back.u should knwo that there are many woman out there and ul soon realize that she was not the right one for u.I know it might sound pessimistic but its the truth.

[moonmoon]

apologize to all that this might sound coarse to etc but. to put it simply, she gave her virginity to me, im 25 she is almost 21. Furthermore she is a deep interesting person. I am nowhere near a virgin, but hypocritically, one of the biggest issues in all of my relationship is learning that the girl is sexually experienced. it makes me jealous or think less of her.

 

in that regard, and considering that Im 25 right now, I find it highly improbable that I will find another girl that meets these expectations. and as sad as it is true, ive put a lot of effort and thought into reevaluating the issues i have with being involved with girls that are sexually experienced but I dont believe that will change and frankly dont want to change it.

 

I dont know if I believe in the soul mate business but I deeply feel that we have what it takes to make a lasting bond.

I have hooked up or made out with, (no sex), four completely new girls in the past week.

 

Considering all of these things, I recognize a few things that I could have done differently and i really feel the door has been left open.

 

This week has been one of the most difficult periods of my life but I feel like today im starting to pull myself together. Yet as my thoughts get clearer I also see more potential in things working out with her, and contrary to what I see alot of people saying on here (that there were endless things that she may never tell, that were the cause of the breakup), I believe her words at face value, that it was too much of a emotional and time commitment,

and there was a certain friend of hers I was unnecessarily hateful of.

 

Today I feel closer, though not ready yet, to break NC

 

please talk to me people

[LucreziaBorgia]

Wait for her to break the NC. People who call the break are also the ones who like to set the pace for where things are going. If you contact her and try to win her back at this point, you will find that you won't get far. Continue to date other women, do not wait by the phone. If and when she wants to hear from you, she'll call you.

 

Even then, brace yourself for "I've met someone new" or "I'm hanging out with my new friend Mr. X".

 

People who want breaks generally want them so that they can use that freed-up time to fit in someone new.

 

I don't care how busy two people are, or how much is going on for them. If the relationship is good, there are no potential 'other people' and they want to be together then nothing will keep them apart. They'll find a way to incorporate their SO into that busy time rather than shut them out.

[BCCA]

apologize to all that this might sound coarse to etc but. to put it simply, she gave her virginity to me, im 25 she is almost 21. Furthermore she is a deep interesting person. I am nowhere near a virgin, but hypocritically, one of the biggest issues in all of my relationship is learning that the girl is sexually experienced. it makes me jealous or think less of her.

 

in that regard, and considering that Im 25 right now, I find it highly improbable that I will find another girl that meets these expectations. and as sad as it is true, ive put a lot of effort and thought into reevaluating the issues i have with being involved with girls that are sexually experienced but I dont believe that will change and frankly dont want to change it.

 

I dont know if I believe in the soul mate business but I deeply feel that we have what it takes to make a lasting bond.

I have hooked up or made out with, (no sex), four completely new girls in the past week.

 

Considering all of these things, I recognize a few things that I could have done differently and i really feel the door has been left open.

 

This week has been one of the most difficult periods of my life but I feel like today im starting to pull myself together. Yet as my thoughts get clearer I also see more potential in things working out with her, and contrary to what I see alot of people saying on here (that there were endless things that she may never tell, that were the cause of the breakup), I believe her words at face value, that it was too much of a emotional and time commitment,

and there was a certain friend of hers I was unnecessarily hateful of.

 

Today I feel closer, though not ready yet, to break NC

 

please talk to me people

 

 

With all due respect, you need to hear this. You're making excuses for why you need to be with this girl to be happy. No, the chances of finding another virgin at 25 probably arent great, but that doesnt mean that every other girl out there slept with 30+ people and is an amateur porn star. Most people have slept with some other people before you met them, as have you. There is no need to dwell on that, its part of life and has nothing to do with you. You dont need to find a virgin to feel sexually adequate, and if you really feel like you do, ask yourself how you feel about that.

 

Youre doing the same thing 99% of people do right now. You're looking for reasons that the door is still open, when in reality, the healthiest thing for you to do is close it from your side and leave it at that. For every door that closes, another one opens, but the problem is that we're usually too busy staring at the closed door to notice, and so we miss out.

 

Dont kid yourself, she wanted to break up for a while probably. Dont believe any of this other stuff about being busy, EVERYONE is magically busy as hell right when they're dumping someone else. Coincidence? Hardly. She just wanted out - whatever she says to get there is irrelevant.

 

Do yourself the biggest favor, that most people here WISH they had done long ago. Consider this a done deal, dont break NC, and get on with life. Perhaps your paths will cross again, perhaps they wont. Dont waste anymore of your life worrying about it though.

[moonmoon]

I appreciate you're taking the time to read this and respond BCCA but I feel like you are trying to give me tough love beyond the point of actually reading what Im saying.

 

I know that youve seen a lot of people put themselves through hell by breaking NC so its understandable what you are doing but I want you to actually talk to me about the best way to go about what my heart is obviously already set on.

 

She wasnt really magically busy right at the time of the break up, we had periods during our relationship that one or both of us were also busy as hell. You preach that all dumpers are the same and all situations are the same but where does that leave room for actually listening to a person's needs and feelings and getting behind the actual cause of them wanting a break?

 

I for one am looking at this as an opportunity for us to rebuild the relationship in such a way that would last.

 

What I really am wanting now is advice on how best to break NC or how best to talk with her if she breaks NC in order to stack the cards in my favor. I know talking about the relationship or acting extremely happy or depressed will all backfire but beyond that ive got little to go on.

[moonmoon]

As an important matter of fact, I have not mentioned that the night she wanted the break was directly a result of a lecture I was giving her on the phone that I wanted to be appreciated more, told that I was loved more, and I didnt think relationships should just be a rut or a pattern that you fall into. Well when I finally stopped talking I noticed she was crying on the other end of the phone.

 

When she came over that night she was crying, said she thought we should break up and was very untouchy. She spent the night and in the morning we made love and got back together and she told me she loved me of her own volition on the way out the door. Well that night she said she had a miserable day and that we needed to break up. And we spent the night together but nothing was different in the morning.

 

In one of my other serious relationships many years ago, a gf broke up with me, and I read a book i think it was named "How to win your lover back" or something like that. Anyways I followed the advice to a tee and I had her back in somewhere between 1-3 months, but pretty much in the same conversation that we got back together I started berating her for breaking up with me, etc, and the reconciliation obviously did not last too long. Thats something that I have learned from this time around.

 

Although at first, it talked about keeping the conversations short light and upbeat, it treated NC as very minimal far less than it is emphasized here at loveshack, heck i dont remember if it was discussed at all

[BCCA]

Ok, if I'm reading this correctly, you have your heart set on trying to get back together with this girl. I'm affraid there isnt much anyone can tell you, because from my prespective, youre essentially asking how to best go about winning the lotto. Sure, you can stack the deck, but still...even tripling your odds probably leaves you at a 5% chance she'll be back at best.

 

The books youre reffering to, I own 5 of them, and bought another e-book online. Im shocked that the one you got didnt mention NC at all, because from what I read, thats generally a very important part of it. They all say the same, go NC for 4-6 weeks, give them a call/letter/whatever, ask them to meet for cofee, look your best, keep it short, leave and keep doing this until youre essentially dating them again. Maybe Im not being exact, but thats generally the outline, and in the meantime youre supposed to date other people, work out, etc...

 

I dont mean to be rude at all, trust me, but I dont think anyone here is going to waste your time trying to give you pointers on how to win her back when its really out of your control. I really suggest you stop looking at the little detials here and there (she was crying, she said x, etc) and look at the only thing that really matters: she broke up with you. Whatever else was said and done is really, truly irrelevant, although I've been where you are and know how you're feeling.

 

The ONLY reason I'm giving you 'tough love' is because otherwise I would be selling you a dream, and it wouldnt really help you at all. I will not give you any advice about what to do to get her back or break NC, because I dont feel it would be beneficial to you at all. Im sorry if I seem like a jerk, but Im honestly trying to be supportive.

[moonmoon]

The reason I mention the conversation or lecture I gave her before the breakup is that I think to her it probably came off to her as 'you dont give me what I need and I think we should consider breaking up' instead of what I really intended which was 'heres something you can do to make this relationship better for me'.

 

And so maybe to preempt getting dumped, or to do what she thought I wanted but didnt have the willpower to do, she broke up with me instead.

 

I feel like though I wasnt the dumper there are aspects of how this went about that make me feel somewhat responsible and further on the dumper spectrum than the typical dumpee, and thats why I feel like an indefinite NC is sabotaging an awesome future with her.

[WiseOne1]

I know how you feel moonmoon. You really don’t agree with most posters here on LS, your trying to win her back, and there telling you don’t because you have no chance.

When I first came to LS I felt the same way, I went against what other people said, and felt like they weren’t giving me to correct solution, and boy was I wrong!!!!!!

 

There’s nothing you can do, there’s nothing you can say. However to be fair I’m going to tell you about my story and E Books, I tried a E Book and I did things like talking about new girls, and acting not interested in the ex, and it worked!!!! It worked! But for only 1 night, the ex wanted to get back with me, and cried and told me how she loved me, and the next morning I guess the feeling of needing a "break" had come back.

 

So if it works its only temporary, I've seen a lot of situations just like yours, and they all ended with the ex GF getting a New BF. You say your ex gave her virginity to you, well your going to be super hurt then, because she’s going to contact you and tell you she misses you and such, then she’s going to slowly transition into this conversation about having sex with her new BF.

 

Right now you think its impossible and it'll never happen, but just watch.

I have high hope for you though, maybe you could be the savior of Love Shack and prove us wrong and change the way we think about 2nd Chances.

 

However, I also feel that NC is a way of sabotaging a future with her, but NC is not what you want to do if you want her back, NC is only good if you want to move on.

[BCCA]

I know how you feel moonmoon. You really don’t agree with most posters here on LS, your trying to win her back, and there telling you don’t because you have no chance.

When I first came to LS I felt the same way, I went against what other people said, and felt like they weren’t giving me to correct solution, and boy was I wrong!!!!!!

 

I think everyone here starts off with the same mindset, they come here looking for a way to get thier ex back, what the chances are that they'll be back, and they want people to tell them that the breadcrumbs theyre being tossed mean something. Thats where I was when I got dumped.

 

Initially, you expect the same kind of responses from people about how different their situation is, and what evertying their ex said "really means", if they just did this one thing and made their ex understand, everything would be just great. Anyone who gives honest input just doesnt understand this ex or the relationship.

 

There is, however, a good reason that most people that stay here longer than a few months eventually all give out the same advice. As different as we try to imagine our relationships are, they are really pretty close to the same in a lot of ways, especially break ups. Most of us that try and give honest advice are doing so because we've been there, we've seen it, and it sounds way too familiar to thousands of other stories.

 

Moonmoon, please do what you think the right thing for YOU to do is. No one else can tell you, I can only make suggestions. It is true, NC will not work to enhance your relationship with your ex, but it will help you heal. If you chose to go another route, just know that you may end up wasting a lot of time before finally deciding on NC months from now. Most people that are against it initially become its biggest supporters later on.

 

I wish you luck, and I honestly hope things work out how you want them to.

[4by4]

Moonmoon,

 

I can relate to your situation. You see only 2 weeks ago, my ex was prepared to do long distance with me as I contemplated moving to another city for work (it fell through). She texted and called every night to talk and tell me she loved me. When we fought only 2 weekends ago, she messaged the next day just to make sure I felt better and to tell me that she loved me "lots" and that I was her number 1. Even when she broke it off she said she still loved me and cared for me. Do you get the flow? If we want to analyze every little detail what they meant, we will always find reasons to convince ourselves there is still hope. Yet the truth is they left us, and have not looked back. My ex even tried to send the occasional "friendly" message, but I choose to ignore because she is no longer the person I fell for and loved. She cried when I told her I no longer wanted anything to do with her and that our break up was official (she preferred to call it a "break" with no firm committments or specific dates to getting back together).

 

I'm still only in my 2nd week post breakup, it was a long and happy 4 years I spent with this girl and it still lingers on my mind every minute of the day. Yet I know whatever it is I want from her, she just can't give it to me anymore. I know I made the right decision to leave her out of my life completely because indeed if she still felt anything for me, my phone would be going off the hook. You see even if I was to reconsider giving the relationship another chance, it would have to come from her side, initiated by her. It's not that I am too proud, it's because love can't be forced and only she can decide if we can try again. What good will it do even if I pleaded for her to come back and succeeded? I'm only setting myself up for more heartbreak.

 

I made the decision to go NC and I feel better everyday. I have booked out my calendar and am now spending a lot more time with friends and family, getting into new hobbies (recently started going to Spanish conversation group, booked a holiday, joined cycling group and looknig to do salsa classes and take up guitar). Sure, life feels tamer and days are harder to get through, but I know happiness isn't far around the corner. There just HAS to be other people out there (and probably tens of thousands of other chicks) I will fall in love with who happens to feel the same way.

 

I love the posts by members on LS like BCCA, I know it will save me many months of wondering what's next.

[WiseOne1]

I think he should do what feels best. I know I did, and its best because you don't have any regrets.

[moonmoon]

Just to let you guys know I had sex two nights ago, for the first time since i broke up with her, and it didnt do a thing to help me get over her. Although it honestly wasnt my intention that it would help, but all it has done is made it that much more clear to me what I DID have with her and cant find in other people/ sex/ etc.

 

I have also had a lot of conversations with people, and the impression I get is that i really should give her a ring once I feel a little more stable and under self control.

I know I may not have a chance any time soon, but Id rather give it my best shot then the pattern ive seen promoted here of break up, no contact, get new ass, break up, no contact, get new ass, and repeat.

 

While I feel like in loveshack I have found a community that offers support to me when Ive probably talked my friends and roommate to the point that they are sick of hearing me pine over my ex. A friend I ran into yesterday said that people blogging on an online community are likely to become very jaded and thats how you see a one size fits all, No Contact, approach become completely the norm.

 

I am going to play it as slow as it takes, give her all the space in the world, and I know she will fall in love with me as she once did.

 

If I dont hear from her over thanksgiving break I will break No Contact with her next week and try to catch her for one brief coffee or meal before she goes on holidays.

 

I have been working out again, I have the LSAT next week, and I am going to kill it. While I have a horrible butterfly feeling that I know wont go away until I talk to her again, I havent balled my eyes out in 3 days so I know thats good for something.

 

Please have a wonderful T-Day everyone and keep posting here because I truly need your support, just stop telling me not to believe that she will come back to me!

[4by4]

Moonmoon,

 

Personally I think people on LS are giving you advice based on personal experience and we are hoping you can avoid more heartache.

 

I broke up with my ex only 2 weeks ago and I've decided not to pursue her anymore. My circumstances are different to yours though, I have a feeling you are still crazy about your ex whereas I'm half hearted about a relationship with my ex even if she came beggng for another chance.

 

Best of luck, and remember to tell us how everything pans out.

[Narf]

Just to let you guys know I had sex two nights ago, for the first time since i broke up with her, and it didnt do a thing to help me get over her. Although it honestly wasnt my intention that it would help, but all it has done is made it that much more clear to me what I DID have with her and cant find in other people/ sex/ etc.

 

I have also had a lot of conversations with people, and the impression I get is that i really should give her a ring once I feel a little more stable and under self control.

I know I may not have a chance any time soon, but Id rather give it my best shot then the pattern ive seen promoted here of break up, no contact, get new ass, break up, no contact, get new ass, and repeat.

 

While I feel like in loveshack I have found a community that offers support to me when Ive probably talked my friends and roommate to the point that they are sick of hearing me pine over my ex. A friend I ran into yesterday said that people blogging on an online community are likely to become very jaded and thats how you see a one size fits all, No Contact, approach become completely the norm.

 

I am going to play it as slow as it takes, give her all the space in the world, and I know she will fall in love with me as she once did.

 

If I dont hear from her over thanksgiving break I will break No Contact with her next week and try to catch her for one brief coffee or meal before she goes on holidays.

 

I have been working out again, I have the LSAT next week, and I am going to kill it. While I have a horrible butterfly feeling that I know wont go away until I talk to her again, I havent balled my eyes out in 3 days so I know thats good for something.

 

Please have a wonderful T-Day everyone and keep posting here because I truly need your support, just stop telling me not to believe that she will come back to me!

 

 

No offense Moonmoon... but you are writing your feelings here not hers... If SHE is not contacting you when SHE decided SHE needed a break... what makes you think you can do anything to persade her differently? And why ask advice about how to handle your situation when you wont listen to what people say?? Every situtation is different and although i have not made up my mind about NC when you still love the person... I have decided that nothing i can say or do will bring them back... It is upto them... They werent happy.. It doesnt matter how happy i was! and even if i think it is my fault me saying im sorry ill change! Does nothing... Even trying to take back or reword what i was meaning does nothing... They are no longer listening to you... They are listening to themselves and are protecting themselves...

 

If she contacts you i think the chance is higher.. You contacting her might work too but i would give it time like your friend said... and when you do be yourself... It is all you can be

[moonmoon]

Not that shes an extensive facebook user, but I have been looking on there occasionally to find clues as to what shes been up to or thinking or feeling and theres been like absolutely nothing. Can anyone tell me what that might portend? (like im telling myself that means shes been taking a lot of alone time and thinking about things) - (it would be easier for me to know that shes not taking this easily and she is remembering all the good times we had)

 

I also have had a few friend requests and met a fair amount of people since we broke up but I havent confirmed them because I dont want her to get the false message like im over her and moved on and living my life completely normally now.

 

Guys look I need your input and I know I sound stubborn but that doesnt change the fact that I HAVE been taking your advice and though I think theres a small chance that I could have tried to throw some hail mary's and maybe saved the r'ship when the break up was still totally fresh - I think NC has helped my chances ultimately.

[moonmoon]

Shell be back from Thanksgiving Break on sunday. I am hoping to feel very stable by then and capable of breaking NC. I am feeling way better than I did at the end of week 1. (Still horrible but no crying in about 4 or 5 days).

 

One thing I believe that I think differs from the LS community is that we CAN say or do things that make or affect the amount or way that a person feels about us. To give an example ive seen alot of post breakup advice that says "nothing you can do or say will affect the way the dumper feels about you now" in other words - disregard the specifics of anything about your relationship.

 

I say all of this because I do feel a time pressure. After she gets back on sunday, she will be leaving town in two weeks for about 3+ weeks for holidays.

 

Shes got finals and she likes to keep up with her friends. So I know the opening for a lunch or coffee before she goes on holidays is rapidly diminishing.

 

Ive waited for this long because her initiating contact would be a powerful tool for me, but I feel that our chances would be hurt most by not seeing me in december. I feel she will assume that i dont like her now, and will close off the chapter of her life that included me.

 

On these grounds Im hoping to be called or stable enough to call her, by sunday. (I think it will take less effort for me to sound stable or falsely happy, if she initiates the call). If neither of those comes, im going to put up my best charade by tuesday or wednesday and call her for a short casual meet up.

 

All im really looking is for open lines of communication at this point without the appearance of any pressure on her.