How to win her back, atypical situation

[moonmoon]

I think the world loses a lot of lovers to their friends telling them not to contact their exes despite having their best interests at heart.

 

Different people break NC for different reasons. People support it whether you are the dumper or the dumpee because they think it always applies.

I told her I wasnt in love with her after Im the only guy shes ever had a serious relationship with... physical or otherwise! And your telling me that she obviously checked out of this thing way before I did?

Ive known plenty of people that have broken up with someone because they feared that they were going to get dumped.

 

Yeah I know Ive got a big regret or two but I treated her awesome. She treated me awesome, Im sure shes got friends telling her just like you guys are telling me, that if he wants you bad enough he will contact you..

so by the prevalent logic here: if both people like each other enough, they will never hear from each other again?

 

this isnt rationalization because I see the NC supported in LS just as strongly for dumpers as it is dumpees.

[samspade]

I am not really sure you even deserve that. You are coming off as pretty mysogynist and I dont think that hating women is healthy way for me to react to any of this.

 

I am not mysogynist and I don't hate women. I'm a realist. You have put your ex on a pedestal and you can't get over her, and it is blinding your judgment somewhat...somewhat. You seem to know deep down that NC is best for you, but you are searching desperately for possible exceptions to the rule that will give you an excuse to talk to her again.

 

I have read all of your posts and this is what I see.

 

You seem to be concerned that she wants you back but is too shy to initiate, and the onus is on you to lay it on the line for both of you. You're afraid that if you don't do it, the opportunity will be blown and you'll never know.

 

Well, there's a minute chance that will work for you, moon. 5%, maybe. But if she broke up with you, then she's the one who will have to come back to you. She pulled back, and the more you push, the more she will pull.

 

And this is what Im saying, if you are going to treat me like some laughable, textbook dumpee than just get the heck off my thread.

 

This is what you are acting like. You came here for advice, didn't you? A lot of people are giving you quality advice here. I'm not here to rip on you, but I do want to whip you into shape a little.

 

I told her I wasnt in love with her after Im the only guy shes ever had a serious relationship with... physical or otherwise! And your telling me that she obviously checked out of this thing way before I did?

Ive known plenty of people that have broken up with someone because they feared that they were going to get dumped.

 

You sound like someone who desperately wants his advantage back, moonmoon. You are convincing yourself that she loved you more than you loved her, and she broke up with you to save herself pain. Let's assume, for a moment, that she WAS more invested in you than you were in her. That still didn't stop her from breaking it off and leaving you cold. She made a decision to move on without you. Now you want to convince her that she was wrong. You're thinking that she's waiting for you to call and profess your love. If she broke up with you, she is not likely waiting for this to happen. She executed the action, she's the one who would have to come to you for a second chance.

 

And outside of all this, the greater point is that it's not healthy for you to be thinking along these lines, pal. Working through these scenarios is unhealthy. You want to plead with her? Go ahead...it may work, or it will set you back even farther. NC is always recommended because it's for YOU, not to get her back. There are other women out there, go meet one whose ACTIONS tell you she wants to be with you.

[BCCA]

I think the world loses a lot of lovers to their friends telling them not to contact their exes despite having their best interests at heart.

 

To be honest, I think youre trying to convince yourself of something more than making an honest observation.

 

 

this isnt rationalization because I see the NC supported in LS just as strongly for dumpers as it is dumpees

 

99.9% of people here are dumpees. NC is for them to get over their loss and begin healing.

 

To the others that are dumpers, they usually arent trying to get their ex back, or NO ONE would tell then to stat NC. However, it is better to leave your ex alone and let them heal if you have no intention of getting back with them.

 

Dude, listen, youre grasping at straws. You want to convince yourself that everyone is only telling you some generic advice and not listening to your situation, so that you can tell yourself not to listen to it. If your ex changed her mind, do you really think she would just wait for you to call, and if it didnt happen in a week or two, she would give up? Come on, that makes no sense.

 

Do what you will, but I think youre talking yourself into believing what your heart wants to believe, not what your head is telling you.

[Oscar51]

Moon...

 

You do what you gotta do man. I was in your boat. My ex and I decided to "take a break." A week later I begged and pleaded for another chance. You know what...I got it...You know how long that "chance" lasted? Less than a week and she broke it off for good.

 

If you feel like this girl is the one you need to be with, then by all means try it your way. We are just saying with our experiences and our knowledge from LS, it probably isn't going to happen if you run back to her.

 

By the way with my current ex we broke up once for a month and SHE was the one who dumped me, and SHE initiated contact. Trust me, if they want another chance with you, they will find you. Like my parents told me through my heartbreak, you are getting angry at the people who care about you because you aren't hearing what you want to hear.

 

EMOTION CLOUDS JUDGMENT. DON'T LET IT MAKE A FOOL OF YOU, BECAUSE IT MADE A FOOL OF ME.

[CaliGuy]

alright with all due respect samspade you have clearly not read 95% of this thread and thats what I was trying to get at with some of the criticisms of redundant advice I was getting.

 

One of your personality traits that I find irritating is your insistence that people aren't reading what you are writing. We're hearing what you're saying.

 

The question I have for you is: "Are you open to hearing multiple viewpoints or just the ones that coincide with what you want to hear?"

 

I have been positive and appreciative of every single member who has come in here

 

I wouldn't say that. You have been negative with people who don't agree with you.

 

Actually I have listened and followed a ****load of advice in here, not only without exception to, but with special emphasis on, stuff that BCCA has said, whom you are probably trying to claim I am ignoring.

 

Of course people have to come back, you cant "win them back" so I know that is a bad term. But for them to even be able to come back you have to present them with more than a brick wall, if you truly think the relationship has potential or is worth it.

 

the NC I still am highly unsure of whether I agree with, but FWIW I havent broken it. I think there is a difference between ending NC and chasing that alot of people dont understand -optimists- or dont think exists -pessimists-

 

There's no wall with NC. All NC is designed to do is allow you to distance yourself from your ex so you can heal and gain the PROPER perspective on the relationship. Nobody is trying to be pessimistic about your chances of a reconciliation with your ex. They are just giving you the cold hard facts.

 

My question to you is why are you so willing to give this girl a second chance (if she offers it to you) versus giving someone else a FIRST chance with you?

 

You know the old saying right?

 

Screw me once, shame on you.

Screw me twice, shame on me.

[CaliGuy]

I think the world loses a lot of lovers to their friends telling them not to contact their exes despite having their best interests at heart.

 

On the contrary, I think new, better lovers are found when one let's go of the one's who don't want them. Friends telling friends to go NC is one of the best pieces of advice they can give. As I said before, it allows the dumpee to heal and gain perspective -- something they can't do when they are pining around for their ex and scheming ways to win them back.

 

Different people break NC for different reasons. People support it whether you are the dumper or the dumpee because they think it always applies.

 

It does always apply. There needs to be a period of healing, recovery and perspective gained which can only be had with NC.

 

I told her I wasnt in love with her after Im the only guy shes ever had a serious relationship with... physical or otherwise! And your telling me that she obviously checked out of this thing way before I did?

Ive known plenty of people that have broken up with someone because they feared that they were going to get dumped.

 

Are you sure she feared she was going to get dumped or are you rationalizing it? Unless she's flat out told you that was the case, you are speculating.

 

Yeah I know Ive got a big regret or two but I treated her awesome. She treated me awesome, Im sure shes got friends telling her just like you guys are telling me, that if he wants you bad enough he will contact you..

so by the prevalent logic here: if both people like each other enough, they will never hear from each other again?

 

The problem is you are the one who was dumped and SHE needs to come to you. If you pursue her, she will run.

 

this isnt rationalization because I see the NC supported in LS just as strongly for dumpers as it is dumpees.

 

As long as you are the dumpee, any excuse you make to pursue her is just that, rationalization.

[moonmoon]

The problem is you are the one who was dumped and SHE needs to come to you. If you pursue her, she will run.

 

This is exactly what Ive been trying to say, there is a difference between contacting her and pursuing her, sure it might cross her mind when she sees the number on her phone, but as long as I am in a stable place by the time I or her make that call, Ive personally had the experience that acting nonchalant friendly and casual makes them all the more interested. Like Ive said, I won a girl back that way and Ive seen hundreds of pages describing that working on the internet. I want to be able to be nonchalant friendly and casual 1. For myself 2. To be able to attract her back.

 

For the sake of argument I have been thinking about how I would act if we got back together and it just started dawning on me today how I would fall into the traps of doing things the same way if we got back together at this point.

Let me make a distinction very clear for everyone, I am working through my emotions so that I can ACTUALLY change those patterns and not TELL her I have changed them.

 

My question to you is why are you so willing to give this girl a second chance (if she offers it to you) versus giving someone else a FIRST chance with you?

Their are too many reasons to attempt to mention here. It would become the topic of the thread. But a relevant response: I have been in a lot of relationships and had a lot of experience with the opposite sex and this is the first time Ive taken a breakup this hard, since my first serious relationship when I was 15 which was a year long and with a girl we had our first time together, ate slept and breathed each other for a year and were forced split by her very christian parents.

Ive taken it this hard because the way we treated each other was awesome, and I saw a lot of hints about how we would work well together in the long run.

And to add, I have been meeting new girls, and trying my hardest to give them a chance, yet rebound choices are a bad move, and I cant really settle for a hamburger when I know a filet mignon is waiting for me.

 

. Are you sure she feared she was going to get dumped or are you rationalizing it? Unless she's flat out told you that was the case, you are speculating.

 

I am sure she feared it. I dont think that it was the deciding factor by any means, but I am sure. Shes told me things and reacted to things I said that were tantamount to telling me.

 

99.9% of people here are dumpees. NC is for them to get over their loss and begin healing.

 

then Ive come accross a surprising number of threads and posts written by that .1% of people on LS.

 

You do what you gotta do man. I was in your boat. My ex and I decided to "take a break." A week later I begged and pleaded for another chance. You know what...I got it...You know how long that "chance" lasted? Less than a week and she broke it off for good.

 

 

Very good points you bring up. I am not talking about begging and pleading or running back to anyone, Im talking about how to make a real change, about WORKING for something. I know I can have anything I set my mind to and thats my goal.

[samspade]

And to add, I have been meeting new girls, and trying my hardest to give them a chance, yet rebound choices are a bad move, and I cant really settle for a hamburger when I know a filet mignon is waiting for me.

 

This is a big part of your problem. You are presuming all other girls are just hamburger. You're also elevating your ex - who I am sure was awesome - above all other women. This is because you are not over her. Your emotions are clouding your judgment and you think she is the only girl for you.

 

there is a difference between contacting her and pursuing her

 

You are contacting her under the pretense of pursuit. Unless you're calling her to report a death in the family, you're pursuing. Now, if you want to act friendly and casual, she may accept that, but only because by you offering to be a friend, you're letting her off the hook for dumping you, and giving her an olive branch. This will make it even more difficult for any romantic overtures because you will be acting like her "friend" under false pretenses. She'll resent that.

 

I think you are confusing acting "non-chalant" in this pursuit with how a guy acts when he's initially dating a woman. You are no longer a mystery to this girl. Acting cool and casual will keep things light and friendly between you, but it's not going to get her juices flowing like it probably did when you first started dating.

 

I am not talking about begging and pleading or running back to anyone, Im talking about how to make a real change, about WORKING for something.

 

You are talking about expending an inordinate amount of energy on a project with a very low chance of success. Meanwhile, you could be spending this time and energy improving yourself, getting over her, working on your self-respect (which is obviously low right now), meeting other women who want to be with you, and living life to the fullest. I think if you are so hellbent on getting her back, you SHOULD just go for broke and beg and plead. That way it will be over a lot sooner for you. You can either go through your token two-week back together period before she dumps you again, or you can experience outright rejection right away that will set you back even farther before you begin your long road to recovery in earnest.

 

Or, you can preserve what's left of your dignity and walk away from this potential train wreck. Your choice.

[CaliGuy]

This is exactly what Ive been trying to say, there is a difference between contacting her and pursuing her, sure it might cross her mind when she sees the number on her phone, but as long as I am in a stable place by the time I or her make that call, Ive personally had the experience that acting nonchalant friendly and casual makes them all the more interested. Like Ive said, I won a girl back that way and Ive seen hundreds of pages describing that working on the internet. I want to be able to be nonchalant friendly and casual 1. For myself 2. To be able to attract her back.

 

The problem with second chances is they are simply counter-productive. The more you want a second chance to happen, the LEAST likely it is to happen. That is most likely why being casual, friendly and non-chalant *can* work in a situation such as yours. The reason you got together in the first place was because you were "cool" to her. (Friendly, casual, non-chalant-like).

 

When people try to force a second chance, the pressure mounts and your ex bolts for the door. That is because no one likes to be forced into a decision. There's an old Bonnie Raitt song by the title "I can't make you love me if you don’t." In other words, you can't force anyone to love you no matter how hard you try. They either do or they don't but you CAN force them away. All you have to do is pressure them to come back. The more NC you implement, the more time you have to get over them and the less chance you have of screwing things up even more. After all, you can't screw up if you aren't around

 

For the sake of argument I have been thinking about how I would act if we got back together and it just started dawning on me today how I would fall into the traps of doing things the same way if we got back together at this point.

Let me make a distinction very clear for everyone, I am working through my emotions so that I can ACTUALLY change those patterns and not TELL her I have changed them.

 

This is why dating someone NEW is a good idea. It gives you a chance to re-asses yourself and correct the behaviors you displayed with your ex with someone new. Going back to an old ex most often results in the same patterns that caused the break up in the first place. I would guess this is a majority of the reason why second chances rarely work. Both people have to have changed significantly for it to work. And that takes a LOT of time (years).

 

Their are too many reasons to attempt to mention here. It would become the topic of the thread. But a relevant response: I have been in a lot of relationships and had a lot of experience with the opposite sex and this is the first time Ive taken a breakup this hard, since my first serious relationship when I was 15 which was a year long and with a girl we had our first time together, ate slept and breathed each other for a year and were forced split by her very christian parents.

Ive taken it this hard because the way we treated each other was awesome, and I saw a lot of hints about how we would work well together in the long run.

And to add, I have been meeting new girls, and trying my hardest to give them a chance, yet rebound choices are a bad move, and I cant really settle for a hamburger when I know a filet mignon is waiting for me.

 

The problem is your ex may just be hamburger FOR YOU. Not everyone we meet and fall in love with is GOOD for us. You also might have to accept the fact that she could be BROKEN and not really material for a good, healthy relationship. Heck, I have plenty of exs that I love but they're TOXIC for me and I know that. Why would I waste my time trying to be with someone who really isn't good relationship material?

 

Re-evaluate your ex. I'm willing to bet you can find many red flags with her that proves she just might not be good for a relationship with you.

 

I am sure she feared it. I dont think that it was the deciding factor by any means, but I am sure. Shes told me things and reacted to things I said that were tantamount to telling me.

 

But it's not THE reason she broke up with you. There's something else that she doesn't like or isn't satisfied with that caused her to break up with you. Whatever that thing is, you can't fix it. The relationship is completely out of your control. There needs to be two people present who WANT the relationship to happen. If one doesn't then there is NO relationship.

 

If I were you in your shoes I would simply let it go. I would put 100% of the focus on myself and move on with my life. If she wants you, she knows how to find you and neither hell nor high water will keep her from contacting you. Many, many people here on LS can attest to this. And I am sure most would agree, it's when you finally let go of your ex that they someone sense it and seek you out.

 

Go out on dates. Have a good time. Stop looking at each woman you meet in comparison to your ex and just try and enjoy the evening. What's the worst that can happen?

[BCCA]

then Ive come accross a surprising number of threads and posts written by that .1% of people on LS.

 

 

Please point me to a post from a dumper who wanted their ex back where the response from the forum posters was NC.

 

No one would tell someone who dumped someone else to stay NC if they wanted them back.

 

EDIT: this does not include people who CHEATED and then wanted their ex back. Thats a whole different story.

 

I know I can have anything I set my mind to and thats my goal.

 

Within reason. You cant have anyone you want, no matter what you set your mind to.

[moonmoon]

Go out on dates. Have a good time. Stop looking at each woman you meet in comparison to your ex and just try and enjoy the evening. What's the worst that can happen?

 

That is putting the cart before the horse in the way my mind is functioning right now. I dont compare them to my ex, I see them as the quickest way to get my ex off my mind, its a hard distinction to explain.

 

What I have come to see is that NC is the RESULT of being over someone, not, a WAY to get over someone. The way, is by gaining a true understanding of what the relationship is. It may not be what we call, a RELATIONSHIP but it nevertheless is one.

 

Im not talking about force or pressure, I am talking about creating a path of least resistance back into a healthy relationship.

 

I know I can have anything I set my mind to and thats my goal.

 

Within reason. You cant have anyone you want, no matter what you set your mind to.

 

I think you and Caliguy should read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It will change your life.

You cant have anyone no matter what, but you can have the relationship you want, with anyone you want, when you make your desires clear to yourself. If I had made my desires clear to me and followed this advice, I would never have ended up on a break with her in the first place.

 

You also might have to accept the fact that she could be BROKEN and not really material for a good, healthy relationship.

 

Very very true, but people dont stay broken forever. What kind of lover or friend walks away from someone permanently instead of seeing this. I truly believe this is the closest explanation to why this happened. Broken is not exactly the words, but lacking the emotional toolkit for a serious relationship.

 

I dont think winning someone back is about begging pleading, running to, or running away (NC) from someone. It is about patiently standing firm, and showing them confidence, growth and improvement.

 

I am going to call her tomorrow or friday, for a five minute chat and try and set up a coffee or lunch before her holidays start. I will keep you guys posted.

If you have any advice about things I should say, etc, please post here.

[samspade]

That is putting the cart before the horse in the way my mind is functioning right now.

 

Your mind is malfunctioning right now. That's the problem.

 

I think you and Caliguy should read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It will change your life.

You cant have anyone no matter what, but you can have the relationship you want, with anyone you want, when you make your desires clear to yourself.

 

I think you may be beyond help. Your emotions are controlling you. Good luck.

[Oscar51]

If you don't listen to our advice we can't help you. You seem to have everything figured out. GO FOR HER THEN. But I can almost guarantee it won't end with you getting her back. Like I said, do what you gotta do.

 

I'd tread carefully on this "lunch/coffee date" You can find yourself venturing into the DREADFUL "FRIEND ZONE." Once you're in the ZONE YOU'RE IN THE ZONE. THERE'S NO COMING BACK. YOU WILL BECOME MAYOR OF THE ZONE. NO ONE WANTS TO BE MAYOR OF THE FRIEND ZONE.

 

Personally for my situation I was putting my ex in front of everyone. Including me, but most importantly God. I honestly feel like we were supposed to break up because I had her on a pedestal so high, higher than God. That isn't healthy, never put a woman on a pedestal. Because then you will always be trying to impress her, which will in turn make her run away from you.

[moonmoon]

Your mind is malfunctioning right now. That's the problem.

 

like I said Ive tried my hardest to be nice to everyone in hear but I mean it this time, dont come post in here, I dont need you coming in here and ridiculing me where I am looking for answers.

 

 

I'd tread carefully on this "lunch/coffee date" You can find yourself venturing into the DREADFUL "FRIEND ZONE."

 

Yes, I know I have a little more grappling with myself before I can go out because of the tightrope walk between friend zone and cut off indefinitely.

I am going to write down a bunch of talking points so that the phone call cant derail.

 

Please try to take into consideration the title of the thread and the fact that it is in the Second Chances section.

 

I wish I could think just for myself again. I look at every car thinking it might be hers, and I was calling myself out on the habit tonight when maybe a minute later her car drove by. I almost did a U-turn.

 

Im not healthy right now.

[CaliGuy]

That is putting the cart before the horse in the way my mind is functioning right now. I dont compare them to my ex, I see them as the quickest way to get my ex off my mind, its a hard distinction to explain.

 

That is THE point of going out on other dates. So your ex is knocked off her pedestal and you see, first hand, there are other, great women out there who just may be better for you than her.

 

What I have come to see is that NC is the RESULT of being over someone, not, a WAY to get over someone. The way, is by gaining a true understanding of what the relationship is. It may not be what we call, a RELATIONSHIP but it nevertheless is one.

 

No. NC is THE WAY to get OVER someone. It's not the result. It's the process you take to get over them. It helps you gain perspective. It helps you see the relationship for what it truly was and stops glamorizing it.

 

I think you and Caliguy should read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It will change your life.

You cant have anyone no matter what, but you can have the relationship you want, with anyone you want, when you make your desires clear to yourself. If I had made my desires clear to me and followed this advice, I would never have ended up on a break with her in the first place.

 

That's all well and good but as I said before, there is no way to have a relationship if one person doesn't want it. You can project your desires all you want but it doesn't mean a hill of beans if the other person doesn't share them with you.

 

Very very true, but people dont stay broken forever. What kind of lover or friend walks away from someone permanently instead of seeing this. I truly believe this is the closest explanation to why this happened. Broken is not exactly the words, but lacking the emotional toolkit for a serious relationship.

 

Well you can sit around and wait for her while the RIGHT woman passes you by. Maybe she becomes emotionally healthy one day, maybe she doesn't. Are you willing to risk happiness now for MAYBE some happiness later? It's your choice.

 

I dont think winning someone back is about begging pleading, running to, or running away (NC) from someone. It is about patiently standing firm, and showing them confidence, growth and improvement.

 

All of that means nothing if they don't truly want to be with you.

 

I am going to call her tomorrow or friday, for a five minute chat and try and set up a coffee or lunch before her holidays start. I will keep you guys posted.

If you have any advice about things I should say, etc, please post here.

 

You already know that I am going to say this is a bad idea. But do what you need to in order to satisfy your curiosity.

 

Best of luck!

[BCCA]

I've read The Secret, own it as a matter of fact. It's a great concept, and the power of positive thinking can go a long way. I don't think you can chose who you want to be with, though. I think the idea is to be confident that you'll find a happy lasting relationship, you don't just chose who it's with. That book has sold many, many copies...if that was the case, then every one who bought it could just pick and chose their lover. It really doesn't work that way.

 

The Secret is to be confident that the universe will bring you the things you want - money, love, happiness - but you dont get to chose the specifics. The very nature of doing so shows a lack of confidence in finding the person who is best for you, because you're essentially selling yourself short for someone who dumped you. Why not at least consider that all things could happen for a reason, and there could be something better out there for you?

[moonmoon]

The very nature of doing so shows a lack of confidence in finding the person who is best for you, because you're essentially selling yourself short for someone who dumped you.

 

I dont see her decision to bail as an act of devaluation against me. I did a lot of things to make her feel inadequate for a relationship with me, and she reached her breaking point. This isnt me rationalizing for her, this is me being realistic and not viewing her in ****-colored glasses to make it easier to get over her.

 

The Secret tells you to get very clear on the details of how you are going to achieve that love and happiness, and the universe responds by manifesting those things.

 

Im considering extending the NC for a while right now, as i think its getting a little bit easier.

 

Last time we had a spat and didnt talk for several days, I waited for her to break the silence. Though that wasnt a literal break up that time, the fact that she broke NC last time does weigh heavily on my thinking.

[RecordProducer]

The situation was already established when we broke up that we both wanted to hang out, and I think and fear there is a large chance that she would take a prolonged NC as lack of interest or lac of desire to work things out and I feel NC could backfire.

I agree with you. But don't chase her. Let her wonder just enough to raise her interest. In any case, keep seeing her to retain the BF-GF relationship.

BTW, how old are you guys?

[FF84]

Your mind is malfunctioning right now. That's the problem.

 

I think you may be beyond help. Your emotions are controlling you. Good luck.

 

I agree. This is actually getting quite intense.

 

Can see this thread going on for ever, round and round in circles, and I don't think there's going to be a fairytale ending.

 

Agree with the sentiments of wishing this guy luck, but I think 99% of us can see what's going to happen...

[samspade]

like I said Ive tried my hardest to be nice to everyone in hear but I mean it this time, dont come post in here, I dont need you coming in here and ridiculing me where I am looking for answers.

 

I'm not ridiculing you, I'm telling it like it is and trying to help you. You are not thinking clearly, and somebody has to shame you for it. If you don't like hearing the cold hard truth, don't come looking for advice on these forums. If you are "looking for answers," as you just said, then you should be able to handle them when they're given to you. You simply can't handle a little truth, and when I tell you something that clashes with your illogical worldview, you lash out rather than consider it. Ignore me if you want, but don't scold me when you're the one who can't handle the advice you're supposedly seeking.

 

Honestly, if you were a recovering alcoholic asking whether or not you should have a drink, you would yell at anyone who told you to stay sober.

 

The Secret tells you to get very clear on the details of how you are going to achieve that love and happiness, and the universe responds by manifesting those things.

 

You're welcome to believe whatever New Age baloney you want to, but the truth is this is a very anthropocentric view of man's relation to the Universe. If you want to educate yourself about your place in the Universe, than read "Cosmos" by Carl Sagan. I think you will understand then how truly insignificant it is whether you decide to chase after the girl who dumped you or move on with your life.

 

Im considering extending the NC for a while right now, as i think its getting a little bit easier.

 

Good for you! It gets easier every day. Keep it up.

[BCCA]

I think you should just do whatever you need to do to satisfy yourself. It's obvious that nothing short of "you should keep trying, you can have anything you set your mind to!" is going to pacify you here.

 

If there is one thing I just want you to know, its that I have been in your shoes, and thought what you did, and it wasn't that long ago. I know what youre doing, and deep down, I think you do, too. You want to believe that the variables involved in your situation make it different enough to justify doing what everyone else is telling you not to. Its hard to imagine that someone you care about doesnt have the same feelings anymore, and dont lie to yourself about it - she obviously doesnt, or you would still be together.

 

I would never want any regrets for myself, so I know how it is. See this thing all the way out, but please be cautious and realistic.

 

Good luck.

[4by4]

This is the perfect place to post about my situation even though this is Moonmoon's thread

 

Perhaps this can bring another perspective and serve as a lesson to never be "casual and friendly" with the ex hoping she'll fall in love with you again, it has driven me mad! But I also want some advice about my situation because it really is killing me! Please help!

 

See I am also currently on a "break" from my ex of 4 years (serious committed relationship). She initiated the break because she felt so burdened and tired of putting up with me (must admit I was a real pain in the neck for a while). I have asked her on 2 occasions now if we'll get back together, her response has always been "I don't know". When I probed her once, she said she doesn’t want a relationship right now and she is enjoying the freedom. However, she keeps wanting to hang out as friends and even said she still loved and care about me, admitting to me that she still had feelings for me (although not enough to get back with me obviously).

 

I’ve known this girl for a long while, and she isn’t the type to play games. So I assume she really isn’t sure what she wants.

 

Anyway, I’ve allowed this “friends” thing to last 3 weeks and we are scheduled to hang out next weekend again. It’s obvious she still enjoys hanging out with me and we have plenty of fun together. But without a doubt, she has the upper hand in this “break” because she initiated it and she knows I want another chance.

 

Some would say I am delusional but I honestly think in the back of her mind she wants to try again, but she clearly feels there is no rush because she knows I’ll be waiting for her and stroking her ego all the whilst shes out there partying hard and meeting guys. I’m satisfying her needs and shes not satisfying mine.

 

I’m not so concerned with her meeting another guy, I know her well enough to feel confident she has more morals than to sleep around. I also think it will be a while (couple months at least) before she completely moves on from me and jumps into another relationship. However I can’t help but feel if this “friendship” persists, eventually it will just feel numb to her and that’s when she moves on once and for all.

 

So I figured there are 2 options –

 

(1) I go completely NC and ignore all her advances of friendship. She’ll get the point quickly and will probably wonder why I went cold on her. I’m not sure how things would pan out in this situation and my only problem with this approach is that I wont be getting any closure. It will be real hard to move on and ignore her (almost impossible). NC is supposed to help you heal, but I’m not even sure if healing and getting over her is exactly what I want.

 

(2) When we dated she used to make me video montages of our time together. She knows I hate technology and would never bother learning. I was thinking of putting together a surprise video and at the end of our outing next week, I will give her the video and propose that we set a date and place to meet again in 4 weeks (plenty of time to make up her mind). I will pick a date and a place memorable to us, and if one of us wants to try again, we would turn up and see if the feeling is mutual. At least if one party doesn’t turn up, it saves the other person the embarrassment. I have decided this is the best approach as it allows me time to get myself together without her in the next month and prepare for the reality she may not want to come back. It also allows for real time and space (NC in that month) that she needs to figure out if I am still a part of her future. I know I’m leaving it to chance here but I feel this is the best non-pressuring approach to getting closure, knowing I tried everything I could and actually gaining the courage to forget her completely if she doesn’t turn up to meet with me. Who knows, maybe in the next month my clear conscience would actually tell me to not go anyway.

 

I guess one thing I have learnt from reading all your posts is that been “casual” and “friendly” will be a really painful process that typically leads to nowhere. Yet I feel to go completely NC forever on a girl who still loves me is a little premature. So I guess my approach is to allow her some time and take a punt. I never said the next month will be easy, it will be hard, but that’s the pain I’m willing to take for one last crack.

 

Any opinions, advice, fire away please!

[Oscar51]

Man...The amount of rookies on this website is outta control!

 

Listen my brother, if you enjoy being in the friend zone, by all means go for it. There's a little thing called attraction, if a woman feels an attraction for a guy, nothing will stop her from getting him except maybe a restraining order. But my point is, this girl seems to have no attraction for you in the "boyfriend" sense.

 

You may be asking is there a chance that she will ever feel that way towards you again? MY answer is YES, HOWEVER about 99.9999% of the time guys ask for this advice they do the exact opposite for some reason and say, "Ohhhh I need to be there for her because she'll meet someone else or forget about me." Bull****, she won't forget about you that fast, and if she does then she's probably a whore. Anyways, you have to grow a pair of nuts because I'm assuming that she started to wear the pants in the relationship and she got bored with you. You became NOT a challenge. So step it up and become a challenge. How do you do this? You don't call. But you're probably saying OSCAR! IF I DONT CALL IT'LL LOOK LIKE I DON'T CARE! I'll say EXACTLY, the more you don't try and seem not to care, the more she will be drawn to you. It's simple logic. If she doesn't care and walks away for good, hell atleast you learned now before you got married and had children, how awful would that be? Count your blessings if that happens cause atleast you know you can give your all to someone who WANTS IT.

[samspade]

I’m not so concerned with her meeting another guy, I know her well enough to feel confident she has more morals than to sleep around. I also think it will be a while (couple months at least) before she completely moves on from me and jumps into another relationship.

 

This is a very common misconception.

 

What so many guys who have been dumped don't realize is that during the weeks leading up to the break-up, their girlfriend has been mentally and emotionally moving on from you them already. This makes it much easier for them to meet, date, and yes, sleep with other guys, while you're sitting at home, wondering where you went wrong.

 

"More morals than to sleep around"? Please. It's not immoral for your ex to find another guy and sleep with him after leaving you. We men love to think that our girls were angels before we met them and continue being angels after we're through with them, as long as they're dirty sluts with us in the bedroom. And just like your gf probably enlightened you on about 20% of her sexual past, you're not likely to uncover much information about her habits after she's gone, either.

 

he clearly feels there is no rush because she knows I’ll be waiting for her and stroking her ego all the whilst shes out there partying hard and meeting guys. I’m satisfying her needs and shes not satisfying mine.

 

This, in a nutshell, is why it is folly to go the friends route - unless you truly can handle being friends. Very well said.

 

Anyways, you have to grow a pair of nuts because I'm assuming that she started to wear the pants in the relationship and she got bored with you.

 

I agree. The main, unspoken reason these relationships end is because the guy became BORING and PREDICTABLE to his girlfriend. Now, that's a whole other topic, but what we always see with these Second Chances posts is a desire for broken-hearted men (and women) to continue being predictable by chasing their exes or scheming to get them back. What they don't understand is that the one thing that may actually get the attention of their ex is complete and utter silence - and living life well without her/him.

[Mikey Action]

I wish I had not spent two and a half months talking to my ex once a week. All my ex did was go out and hang out with her friends and enjoy her life, tell me about it and I felt like crap. Certainly she thought that telling me she hadn't met anyone would make me feel better, but all it did was make me think more on how I could get her back.

 

I don't believe that "they prepare for it" mumbo jumbo, not in a conscious way at least. I think it just comes down to the dumper always has it better then the dumpee.

 

I was emotionally all over the place for two and a half months, until I simply called her and told her that I just hadn't been myself of late with my actions and emotions all over the place and that she knew I wasn't like that and I needed to be alone too, I needed to do my thing. That was it. Then I got off the phone.

 

Very liberating.

 

Or to say it another way, using a paraphrased quote from Deadwood's Al Swarengen.

 

"Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back."

 

its not about being boring, predictable, a challenge, interest level or any of that.All those words are are buzz words used by someone to sell you a book on things your father should have told you. I won't get into that, but for some reason the children of the baby boomers don't really know what it means to be a man.

 

It's about being a man, and it took me 2 months and 2 weeks to figure out that when a man's woman leaves him, he cowboys up and goes on with his life.

 

It really is that simple. Good luck