How to win her back, atypical situation

[4by4]

Oscar, samspade and Mikey,

 

you guys have hit the nail on the head. You see I was doing FINE for 2 weeks after she broke up with me. I took it like a man and told her I no longer wanted anything to do with her, didn't contact her once. Then she finds out I didn't even wana see her at the concert I paid hundreds of dollars for, so she calls me up trying to convince me to go. Then we agreed to hang out, stupid me thought it will lead to something when I really should have continued NC and my own healing.

 

Guys I completely agree shes probably out there checking out other guys and you are dead right for saying no girl is an angel. I was delusional.

 

This "friendship" is only making me take backward steps. I toally agree women find challenging and independent man attratctive not someone who wants to get back with them all the time and seem needy.

 

So f*** the video and meetup. I'm telling her tonight I'm done with the friendship. I'm moving on. Like many has said in this thread, she knows where to find me and if she really wants me nothing will stand in her way.

 

I needed some tough love, I finally got a dose of reality. Thanks!

[Mikey Action]

4by4,

 

I am not saying you can't but your idea smells to me of a scene from a movie, when one person shows up and is sad, then they walk away and the other person shows up just after they leave....because the bus was late....Movies are not real life.

 

I am not saying to tell her to go away either. Only you know what's best for you.

 

Literally all you have to do is tell her you want to focus on your life. If she knows you at all (I don't know your full story) as in you've gone out for a year or more, then she DOES remember the man you were/are.

 

A man takes responsibility for his actions and is willing to make a mistake and forgive a mistake. You've made mistakes. Ok. Now its time to decide. Do you fess up to your mistakes, without fanfare or games and then move on with your life?

 

You can tell her your behavior was a mistake as you were misrepresenting your intentions, and then tell her you need space to work on you and talking to her isn't going to help YOU. This is about YOU and what YOU want. in the end YOU want to be happy? With or without her, right?

 

I am guilty of this too. Thinking about what she wants, she needs until I said "man, why am I doing this? I have changed, into someone I am NOT"

 

I think that the dumpee focuses on the other person too much after a breakup and therein lies the "benefit" to the dumper. I also tend to notice that some women like to push. They will try to push you to be some sort of idealized version of what they want you to be and when you can't live up to their fantasy, poof. Gone.

 

Some women figure out that nobody lives up to some childhood fantasy of the ideal mate. They find someone whose values fit with theirs and who they know respects them and who they are attracted to. What is love? Its attraction, supported by mutual respect and shared core values that forms a bond.

 

when I look back at my relationship, It was when I started to cave to her demands/needs that I began to get grumpy, and balk at doing things. Rather then say "I dont want to do that tonight, you go and have fun" I went along and was a grump because I didn't want to go. Then why did I go?!?

 

Women then promptly turn around and tell you "you've changed".

[Oscar51]

4by4...I wouldn't even bother telling her you're done...Just be done and don't contact her or respond to her, and if you do respond take atleast 2-3 days to respond. It's kind of funny, once they think you've moved on, A LOT of the time (NOT EVERY TIME, DON'T GET ME WRONG HERE) they come sniffing around, however once you give in again, they bolt like lightning, because they know you haven't changed. The KEY IS TO ACTUALLY CHANGE, if you want too. Remember, you are doing you now and she's doing her. Listen to Kanye West, "Okay I'm back up on my grind You do you and I'm just gon' do mine"

 

However, people do get back together. And sometimes the relationship is stronger than ever before. BUT you cannot stand around and wait for that to happen because it may not happen. Ask yourself this once you get a handle of your emotions...DO YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAPPENS NATURALLY, OR ONE YOU FORCED BACK TOGETHER BY BEGGING OR PLEADING OR STALKING, OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU DID TO GET HER BACK? Who knows...you may run into each other a year down the road where both of you are in the right place, and more mature, and get back together.

 

MY OPINION...Move on, drop off the face of the Earth without telling her. My guess is you always told her what you were going to do, or gave into her a lot so she's predicting that you're going to just chase her until you drop. SO STOP, DON'T DO WHAT SHE EXPECTS YOU TO DO. Don't boost her self-esteem more, she knows she can have you whenever she wants. Take YOU'RE power back.

 

At the end of your relationship, did she get surprisingly hot and cold? One minute she's all about you, the next she wants nothing to do with you? Did she pick fights over the dumbest ****? You could have told her "Baby I love you" and she would say "**** you"

[moonmoon]

I called her tonight. It was awesome! I could tell right away how happy she was to hear from me.

I will post on here more after my LSAT on saturday because I can see this thread has become and will become more of a sh**storm.

I wanna thank those of you who have given me good advice and actually helped me through my situation, most especially porter, bcca, 4by4, and a couple others come to mind.

 

I will of course keep you guys posted. I am meeting her for coffee on sunday.

 

I think all breakups are different because every human being is so different and I am sorry that I feel like many people on here dont feel the same way.

I think a big reason is that misery loves company and some people in here, have truly forgotten what love is. Sometimes you have to work for what you want, and that doesnt mean it cant be real for both people.

Ive met plenty of people who have strengthened relationships from a breakup period. And there really hasnt been any marked pattern about whether the dumper or dumpee catalyzed the reunion.

 

Im now trying to figure out how this all translates into personal growth. Now we can hopefully rebuild this whole relationship with the ground up and take a lot of time to build a friendship first

[samspade]

I'm telling her tonight I'm done with the friendship. I'm moving on.

 

I agree with the others. Do not even tell her. Just stop talking to her. Telling her will make you come across as someone looking to gain an advantage or get the last word in. There's really no need to do this.

 

I think all breakups are different because every human being is so different and I am sorry that I feel like many people on here dont feel the same way.

I think a big reason is that misery loves company and some people in here, have truly forgotten what love is.

 

As for you...

 

You're very immature and ignorant to cast aspersions on others trying to help you. Those of us offering you an opinion you don't want to hear aren't miserable people. It's quite clear to me that I know a lot more about love than you do, and have been willing to help you, but you would rather have your own flawed ideas affirmed than to hear a dissenting opinion. You would rather label someone a "misogynist" who doesn't share your condescending view of the opposite sex or your belief in Hollywood endings. Now you're presuming that you're on the road to a second chance because your ex is getting a coffee with you as a friend.

 

I wish you the best of luck. You may pull it off, and get a second chance for a little while. As far as your personal growth, I personally think you would grow far more as a person if you gave yourself a little more credit and realized you don't need any one person to complete you or make your life better. Only you can do that.

[4by4]

Hey guys,

 

Despite your sound advice, I still went ahead and told my ex I was done with the friendship.

 

In fact, we ended up arguing and it became extremely heated. I got out of there before it exploded.

 

I have sent her an email to close things off once and for all. I wished her best and told her not to bother replying. We are officially going our separate ways, no more contact, EVER.

 

Basically, I am 200% sure I want to move on from her. Some of the facts I found out tonight helped me get closure.

 

Facts she told me -

 

- The last 12 months she had been slowly working towards dumping me, she just never had the balls to follow through

- She is not interested in a relationship right now and definitely don't see herself been ready for at least 6 months

- Her love for me is like a feeling she has for friends, it's not romantic

- She had been lying about her feelings towards me just to come across as nice, she has been saying "I love you" out of convenience

- She hates me for some of the things that happened 2 years ago, clearly shes never going to get over them

- The best she could give me right now is that we would chat about the relationship in 3 or 4 months, although it's just a chat and not a guarantee we would try the relationship again

- She never truly liked my family

- She doesnt find me attractive as I'm boring and no longer a challenge, she hadn't been enjoying our intimate encounters for quite some time

[porter218]

It's quite clear to me that I know a lot more about love than you do, and have been willing to help you, but you would rather have your own flawed ideas affirmed than to hear a dissenting opinion..

Maybe he doesn't know as much about love as you do(), but I guarantee he knows more about what makes his ex tick then you do. Everyone's breakup is not the same, nothing is black and white.

[BCCA]

Moonmoon,

 

I think you have to go with your gut, and as someone who saw it out until the bitter end, you have to live life without regrets. If you feel like the right thing to do is see what happens, than thats the right thing to do. You dont need anyone else to agree with you or give their blessings.

 

Just keep in mind that it takes two to tango. I banged my head against the same wall for a long time before realizing that if my ex just didnt want to be with me, nothing would change that. I love myself too much to let someone into my life that only brings with them painful memories.

 

My advice is to make sure that youre both interested in laying the foundation for a new relationship sooner than later. You dont want to waste your time with someone for months only to find out you haven't been on the same page. (not that your ex is a waste of time, but time spent on someone who doesnt share your interests and desires is essentially wasted).

 

I personally just hit the emotional brick wall that you'll only know when you get there. Once you've finally gotten tired of hurting and realize that you deserve better, theres no going back.

[Oscar51]

We can only give advice here but it is you who must make the decision. We just speak from experience. The chances she will be interested in being more than a friend right now are slim pickins. You will know if a girl is interested in you because its blatantly obvious.

 

No contact helps you move on and work on what you need to work on. If you've come across as needy or boring and predictable, she will run. Some of the best advice I was given throughout my break-up was DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what your heart tells you to do. You are emotional right now and while yes you know what makes your ex tick, just based on LS stories alone, this looks like the typical girl leaves guy, instead of walking away guy chases and comes across as more needy, turns girl off more and she quits communicating with him period.

 

Be careful with this coffee date. I have a feeling when you see her you're going to go sappy and spill your heart to her. I've seen it a thousand times. Keep it cool and DO NOT bring up the relationship unless she does. I personally think its a mistake but this is your life. Not ours.

 

Hope it works out.

 

-Oscar

[samspade]

Maybe he doesn't know as much about love as you do(), but I guarantee he knows more about what makes his ex tick then you do. Everyone's breakup is not the same, nothing is black and white.

 

Agreed.

 

And yes, there are always plenty of variables that go into breakups. But human behavior is surprisingly predictable. I'm not saying we are all pre-programmed, but to a certain extent we know based on billions of examples what is most likely to happen after analyzing a given situation. Moonmoon gave us information, we all examined it and gave our best opinions. None of us are clouded by our emotions for this woman the way he is. Otherwise, he wouldn't need our help.

 

So it is not relevant how well he knows his ex...we've all conceded this gap in knowledge. However, OPs always exhibit an EXTREME bias toward their ex because of their emotional state; they believe, against all logic, that their ex and the relationship they had were unique and not prone to the same consistencies we see on these boards all the time. Exceptions exist, yes, but they are not likely. So moonmoon may know infinitely more about his ex than I do (obviously), but this does not mean he is thinking clearly or admitting to himself the most likely consequences of his actions.

[EmperorR]

Hey guys,

 

Despite your sound advice, I still went ahead and told my ex I was done with the friendship.

 

In fact, we ended up arguing and it became extremely heated. I got out of there before it exploded.

 

I have sent her an email to close things off once and for all. I wished her best and told her not to bother replying. We are officially going our separate ways, no more contact, EVER.

 

Basically, I am 200% sure I want to move on from her. Some of the facts I found out tonight helped me get closure.

 

Facts she told me -

 

- The last 12 months she had been slowly working towards dumping me, she just never had the balls to follow through

- She is not interested in a relationship right now and definitely don't see herself been ready for at least 6 months

- Her love for me is like a feeling she has for friends, it's not romantic

- She had been lying about her feelings towards me just to come across as nice, she has been saying "I love you" out of convenience

- She hates me for some of the things that happened 2 years ago, clearly shes never going to get over them

- The best she could give me right now is that we would chat about the relationship in 3 or 4 months, although it's just a chat and not a guarantee we would try the relationship again

- She never truly liked my family

- She doesnt find me attractive as I'm boring and no longer a challenge, she hadn't been enjoying our intimate encounters for quite some time

 

I guess its true that saying about woman, how they plan etc. so when they dump you that's why there so cold and can hop into a relationship a week after dumping you.

[EmperorR]

Agreed.

 

And yes, there are always plenty of variables that go into breakups. But human behavior is surprisingly predictable. I'm not saying we are all pre-programmed, but to a certain extent we know based on billions of examples what is most likely to happen after analyzing a given situation. Moonmoon gave us information, we all examined it and gave our best opinions. None of us are clouded by our emotions for this woman the way he is. Otherwise, he wouldn't need our help.

 

So it is not relevant how well he knows his ex...we've all conceded this gap in knowledge. However, OPs always exhibit an EXTREME bias toward their ex because of their emotional state; they believe, against all logic, that their ex and the relationship they had were unique and not prone to the same consistencies we see on these boards all the time. Exceptions exist, yes, but they are not likely. So moonmoon may know infinitely more about his ex than I do (obviously), but this does not mean he is thinking clearly or admitting to himself the most likely consequences of his actions.

 

 

yup hell i hhought the same at a time, why listen to anyone me an my ex have a "notebook" relationship, all a crud of bs, once you go NC and get thsoe rose coloured goggles off your eyes you see things clearly.

[4by4]

There is no doubt by doing the EXACT OPPOSITE to what you feel like doing is your best shot at getting back with an ex. I have learned that the hard way through this experience, but I'll leave such conclusions for the individual to make.

 

I honestly think even if you convince someone to have another go, it just leads to disaster. There can be exceptions of course but I'm a big believer in law of averages and probability. And the most probable outcome when you beg for another chance is more heartbreak. The dumper absolutely have to come back to you first and admit to making a mistake, that is crucial to succeeding in a reconciliation.

 

At last, I am SURE I want to move on.. having that mentally may be the very first step and it hurts but I know I can do just fine without her, life goes on and I'll take it like a man. I no longer think there is anything left to savor, I must move on and find happiness, I owe myself true happiness with someone who will appreciate me. I would rather find someone new and work on getting it right with my next girlfriend than to fix something so broken. I would rather use my time focusing on me, making my life fulfilling and enjoyable than to plan some get together with an ex who doesn't feel the same way.

 

And one really important lesson I have learned is to never look back after you walk away for good reasons or someone tells you to leave. By taking the initiative to reconcile, you are only going to look weak, needy and drive that person away from you even more.

 

I know this break up will make me stronger, much stronger. I also promised myself that I'll try everything in my power to not make the same mistakes I made in this relationship ever again.

[Oscar51]

The only reason you can go back to a dumper is if you have done something like cheating on them. But if you have been boring, and predictable, or TOO NICE even, walk away because you are a good person and you will find someone who APPRECIATES WHAT YOU DO FOR THEM.

 

However, DON'T be a doormat for anyone. I believe I was dumped for being too nice. But I have no regrets because I treated her like a damn queen. Maybe at times I was a doormat, but I always treated her like I wanted to be treated and that wasn't returned. I had to walk away because she told me she loved me, but wasn't in love with me. It may take her dating an ass hole to realize that I was a good guy who put her needs first. That's just who I am, I put others before myself. Sometimes that can be a downfall, but IT'S WHO I AM AND I WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO ACCEPTS THAT. I HOPE ALL OF YOU DO THE SAME.

[porter218]

The only reason you can go back to a dumper is if you have done something like cheating on them. But if you have been boring, and predictable, or TOO NICE even, walk away because you are a good person and you will find someone who APPRECIATES WHAT YOU DO FOR THEM.

 

.

Which reminds me to ask..Moon....did you cheat on her????? Come on now, lets be honest. I am not asking you if she knows you cheated on her, but just a simple 'did you'? I am talking about in any way shape or form.

 

Sorry. I had to ask.

[CaliGuy]

Let me translate and I hope this doesn't come off as harsh. This is not intended to insult you or hurt you in any way. Your post is a prime example of what I've been trying to tell people for a long time here on LS about women and what happens when they leave you (and why second chances for the most part never work).

 

- The last 12 months she had been slowly working towards dumping me, she just never had the balls to follow through

 

This is a prime example of what I have been saying for a long time. Women slowly pull away and give you subltle signs they are doing so. Unless you are observant you will miss them.

 

- She is not interested in a relationship right now and definitely don't see herself been ready for at least 6 months

 

She WILL be ready for a relationship if someone else comes along, but not with you.

 

- Her love for me is like a feeling she has for friends, it's not romantic

 

Kiss of death! "I love you like a brother...but I am not IN love with you."

 

- She had been lying about her feelings towards me just to come across as nice, she has been saying "I love you" out of convenience

 

This is part of her "pulling away"....

 

- She hates me for some of the things that happened 2 years ago, clearly shes never going to get over them

 

That's her problem. If she doesn't have the b*lls to talk to you about what is bothering her and work through the problems then she can't do it with anything else and thus -- IS NOT RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL. Period.

 

- The best she could give me right now is that we would chat about the relationship in 3 or 4 months, although it's just a chat and not a guarantee we would try the relationship again

 

Translated: "I may want a FWB so I want you around as a friend so I can get my needs met while yours go UNMET. This is another reason why you should NEVER be friends with an ex. It doesn't benefit the dumpee, just the dumper.

 

- She never truly liked my family

 

She doesn't have to like your family but it helps.

 

- She doesnt find me attractive as I'm boring and no longer a challenge, she hadn't been enjoying our intimate encounters for quite some time

 

Ugh. Well that is about as brutally honest as you can be.

 

The very best thing you can do it flat FORGET about this girl and never, ever give her another thought. She isn't worth an ounce of your time.

 

Sorry man. That sucks but at least now you know and won't hold out hope for a second chance. You deserve better.

[4by4]

Oscar, you are dead right my man. Be yourself and find that person who will appreciate you. I don't think I treated my ex like a queen, I was definitely a nice guy but I can't say I had my heart and soul in the relationship. In fact, it was far from it, I sort of grew bored with her too. Only difference is I wanted to take a break and try again, she wanted a break up. I was still in love with her (well so I thought) and she wasn't.

 

Caliguy, I just read your NC Guide and I now swear by it. My case is probably a perfect example for guys getting dumped. I appreciate the honesty and I can live with it. In fact, I feel like I am finally waking up to the reality.

 

For me, the real question is no longer "will she change her mind and come back", it is actually "how do I best move on with my life, find happiness and never revisit this episode EVER again".

 

I had her on the pedestal for the past few weeks, now I just feel cheated. Not necessarily angry, just really over it. I DON'T WANT HER BACK.

 

And one other thing, she had been texting and flirting with some other dude the last 2 - 3 months. The amount of texts and emails they exchange is beyond "friendly". I'm under no illusion to think she'll be single until I'm over her, I'm already preparing myself for the news she is dating some other dude.

[samspade]

Caliguy, I just read your NC Guide and I now swear by it. My case is probably a perfect example for guys getting dumped. I appreciate the honesty and I can live with it. In fact, I feel like I am finally waking up to the reality.

 

I've read a lot of Caliguy's NC posts - helped me get through a breakup a while back. But I had never actually read his NC Guide until just now. I have to say, it should really be the final word on the subject. Anyone posting here looking for a glimmer of hope that their ex will come back should read this thing first. After that, if they truly are gluttons for punishment, well, they can do what they want.

 

I had another, more recent ex who contacted me recently on email. I was about 85% over her but made the mistake of making small talk on email. Stupid! Now, it didn't set me back very far, but it still got me thinking some silly thoughts that I knew were way off base and unrealistic. Luckily, I've trained myself to know better, in general, but it just goes to show that anyone can make these emotional errors, no matter how disciplined they are. The one thing I would add to the NC Guide is that if you do break no contact, don't beat yourself up too much about it. Just start all over.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks, Sam. Just trying to do my part to help everyone I can avoid the pain and heartbreak I went through....

[4by4]

Breaking NC after the first 2 weeks was definitely a mistake. I was doing better each day but I let her talk me into been friends, guess I still thought she wanted to try again. Turns out it was just all a big nasty trap! Never again.

 

Another thing I wanted to add - it is especially hard breaking up with your first real girlfriend and first serious long term relationship. In my case I really fell for the person and have never had the experience of breaking up with someone who was such a big part of my life. This experience will serve me well for the rest of my life. I know I am slowly starting to see all her flaws, they were always there but I refused to acknowledge them because I had the mentality of "love conquers all". I have taken her off the pedestal and I have absolutely no doubt we would never have worked out in a marriage anyway. I just wish I came to that realization a lot earlier.

[Oscar51]

What do you mean you wished you had come to that realization earlier? YOU DID, YOU NOW KNOW NOT TO MARRY HER. You should be thanking the Good Lord that you weren't married to her. Think of how much pain you'd be in if that was the case.

 

One way to look at it...Someone else always comes along who always seems to blow the EX out of the water.

[FF84]

Where's moonmoon gone?

 

Either his coffee date went amazingly well and they're still having amazing make-up sex, or he's nursing a broken heart again....

[Oscar51]

I was wondering the exact same thing. Usually its a success story when people never come back on LS. Its why there are so little success stories b/c when you get someone back you're busy being back with them.

[BCCA]

I was wondering the exact same thing. Usually its a success story when people never come back on LS. Its why there are so little success stories b/c when you get someone back you're busy being back with them.

 

I hope thats the case. I think usually, people are just done talking about their situation or it didnt get resolved how they want, so they leave. I would think if it did turn out, after the pages and pages of people telling him it was a bad idea, he would come by to let us know we were wrong.

 

I honestly think that second chances rarely ever turn out the way we hope.

[samspade]

I hope it worked out and that's the reason for the silence.

 

I'm guessing the opposite is true and he's smarting over it and doesn't want to admit he was wrong. Which is silly since it's an anonymous forum.