How to win her back, atypical situation

[Oscar51]

Moonmoon,

 

Like I've stated in this post before. Do what you want. Whatever you feel you need to do, DO IT. But I can almost guarantee you won't be getting your ex back the way you want her.

 

I notice you only respond positively to people who respond with what you WANT TO HEAR. When people with experience in your situation give you advice, you won't listen. Because it isn't what you want to hear.

 

Women know they have a power over men. And it's those men who don't allow them to have this power, who are the most successful. SO as my pal samspade above stated, "Hand her your balls on a silver platter, let her stomp on them all over again." Because she will. As long as she knows she can have you whenever she wants, she WILL know that she can't trust you to be a man, and she has to go.

[mcson]

Moonmoon,

 

Women know they have a power over men. And it's those men who don't allow them to have this power, who are the most successful. SO as my pal samspade above stated, "Hand her your balls on a silver platter, let her stomp on them all over again." Because she will. As long as she knows she can have you whenever she wants, she WILL know that she can't trust you to be a man, and she has to go.

 

Dear Oscar,

 

I can not agree more !

 

I have read everybody's message. However I see that some of us are missing a point here. Obviously everybody does what he desires to do! So unless we get a targeted advice on a certain situation, we will keep doing the things which are desired by our heart but not by our Mind!! That is for sure!!

Ok, let's assume we already know what to do, how to act-react, what to say, NC etc. Even with or without reading such BS books, we know all such things to be applied. However, in my case, I need an advice from you guys on an exact situation;

 

She is in Italy for vacation---She asked for time (wich I believe is a broke up)..I gave her time....But she still contacted me through sms...and the content of the messages are all the same '' How are you? What are you doing?'' SO I reply '' I am fine, doing well. Reading/clubbing/etc. How are you?'' It goes like that...simple text messages...

 

Having said that, I know that she will be contacting me with the same type of message when she is back in Russia (her country) next week. SO Dear friends, please tell me how I should respond when she asks ''how are you, what are you doing?'' again?

 

Dear Oscar!;

I agree with what you said about women!! It is definitely correct. SO then, in my case how can I stop her to have power? I am already not contacting unless she contacts me! Moreover, I know that she will not make an excuse or she will try to get back in to relation again without trying to check on me wit her message again; which is gonna be like '' How are you''!!!

 

So, when she texts me, should I lay down my rules like; '' I have respected and respect the time you asked for however I expect you to solve your problems and talk to me then, untill then I am off..I do not want this relation anymore''

 

Or

 

I should basically ask her if she has solved her problems?

 

OR

 

I should just tell her that I do not want her anymore...

 

Or

 

I can ask for a meeting to talk about her problems and contradictions on her head

 

You see I am giving you the exacat options I am likely to tell her. Which are also in connection with your last words ''As long as she knows she can have you whenever she wants, she WILL know that she can't trust you to be a man, and she has to go'' .So please advice on that and give your options as well..she has to know she can not have me whenever she wants anymore! and what is the right way of expressing that to her?

 

 

Thank you all in advance

[FF84]

11 pages?!

 

Sorry to sound rude, but this guy is beyond help. Stop wasting your time offering him sensible advice and let him pine over this girl and let him waste his own time. We all know what's (not) going to happen, let him find out the hard way.

 

One day he'll look back at this thread and laugh at himself, I'm sure. Though i do worry when i read him say "I realise it's going to take months to get her back rather than weeks". This guy doesn't have the capacity to move on or see sense.

 

Moonmoon, you don't seem to realise that going NC isn't just about getting the girl back. It's about realising that you don't necessarily want her back, it gives you a chance for proper reflection and to see things from a different perspective. And if you think you can befriend your way back into bed with her then you're making a big mistake and you're going to get hurt.

 

I don't want to sound rude but if you won't listen to the great advice people have given you then frankly you deserve what's coming to you.

[samspade]

Sorry to sound rude, but this guy is beyond help. Stop wasting your time offering him sensible advice and let him pine over this girl and let him waste his own time. We all know what's (not) going to happen, let him find out the hard way.

I don't want to sound rude but if you won't listen to the great advice people have given you then frankly you deserve what's coming to you.

 

Agree with you there, FF84, and I'm done trying to help the OP. Some people are gluttons for punishment. This guy is headed for heartbreak, and probably a lifetime of supplication to and abuse from women who don't respect him if he keeps up this type of behavior. Sad.

[BCCA]

I think most people start off in the same place as moonmoon. The denial stage is definitely the hardest one to overcome, at least it was for me. It's hard to come to the realization that there is really nothing you can do to change your situation. It kind of goes against everything we've ever learned about working hard to get what you want, and its probably the last thing anyone who just got dumped wants to hear.

 

Then, people will try and rationalize what they do by pointing to individual circumstances that make their sitation unlike any other. More often than not, the circumstances in question have no bearing on the overall relationship, but hope dies last.

 

I think only when you've actually had an epiphany do you really start to move forward. I'm certainly guilty of lashing out at those around me becuase they told me things I didnt want to hear. I had to see it out myself, all the way to the bitter end. Sometimes it takes staring the grim reality in the face to actually come to terms with it.

 

You might not agree with my moonmoon, but I know where you are, and I understand. I'll be here for support, regardless of whether you listen or not. Its your life.

[FF84]

I was in the denial stage myself for a long while, I honestly take no pleasure in telling it how it is now. I begged and pleaded and tried to befriend my way back in and caused myself more hurt and I forced her away in the end. Now having been in NC I can see how wrong I was, and I don't even have any chance of friendship with her now which actually would have been nice as I could see the relationship wasn't right anyway.

 

What I don't understand is why relationships and coping with heartbreak aren't taught in school. We get taught about drugs, alcohol, sex education etc but we're never given any guidance about relationships yet everyone has to deal with it at some point! They should put it in the curriculum.

[Oscar51]

Mcson, Your situation is quite simple. Her ass asked for time & space so you give it to her. DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING. Just do it. Ever heard the term, actions speak louder than words? She's probably expecting you to chase, and when you don't and go completely silent, she won't know what the hell happened. I want you to take that list of things you want to say and erase them from your memory.

 

Only talk about the relationship if SHE WANTS TOO. SHE IS THE ONE WHO ASKED FOR THIS BREAK, NOT YOU. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. If she texts you, I'd take a long time to reply and keep it short, not giving her any details of your life. REMEMBER, she asked for this time and space. Do the exact opposite of what your heart tells you.

 

As for Moon, I too was in the denial stage. It took me a good 3 months just to get my emotions under control. Trust me when I say it takes time. I'm still not really over her. I can guarantee you if I were to see her in person, I'd probably fall apart inside. However her ass would never know that. But go ahead, be her friend if you want. But I hope you enjoy staying her friend for eternity, because once you're in that zone, you will never return.

[KissTheRain]

...phew thats a long thread.

And where is MoomMoom I want to know what happened?

BCCA, GaliGuy Oscar can you please guys comment on my thread too:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=170442&page=4

 

I really appriciate your advice and I need a lot of help

[BCCA]

...phew thats a long thread.

And where is MoomMoom I want to know what happened?

BCCA, GaliGuy Oscar can you please guys comment on my thread too:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=170442&page=4

 

I really appriciate your advice and I need a lot of help

 

Sure, give me a few to look the thread over, and I'll add my 2 cents.

[mcson]

Mcson, Your situation is quite simple. Her ass asked for time & space so you give it to her. DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING. Just do it. Ever heard the term, actions speak louder than words? She's probably expecting you to chase, and when you don't and go completely silent, she won't know what the hell happened. I want you to take that list of things you want to say and erase them from your memory.

 

Only talk about the relationship if SHE WANTS TOO. SHE IS THE ONE WHO ASKED FOR THIS BREAK, NOT YOU. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. If she texts you, I'd take a long time to reply and keep it short, not giving her any details of your life. REMEMBER, she asked for this time and space. Do the exact opposite of what your heart tells you.

 

As for Moon, I too was in the denial stage. It took me a good 3 months just to get my emotions under control. Trust me when I say it takes time. I'm still not really over her. I can guarantee you if I were to see her in person, I'd probably fall apart inside. However her ass would never know that. But go ahead, be her friend if you want. But I hope you enjoy staying her friend for eternity, because once you're in that zone, you will never return.

 

Dear Oscar,

 

Thank you for your advice. I think you really made a good point. I need to TAKE MY POWER BACK so I am already going for NC. If she wants to be with me again, she will make it known to me somehow.

 

So now my plan is to carry on wth NC and focus on myslef. I need to spare time for myself to heal emotionally and mentally. In the meantime, if she texts me after turning back from vacation with a message like'' How are you, What are you doing''?

 

I will reply '' I am fime, doing well. doing such and such (reading, clubbing, cinema...just something simple I am doing), how was your vacation?''

 

I think by saying I am fine and doing something, I send her signals like I am really ok and going on with my life. And by asking her how her vacation was, I still leave the door open in case she has made up her mind and want to tell me about her problems as she promised to do after the vacation.

 

SO then if she again replies like '' I am good bla bla...'', I will keep NC for ever.

And somehow if she reaches me back again ...then I will say;

 

''I am focusing on myself. All has happened hurt me emotionally badly. I am not mad at her, hate her or anything. However, if she has made up her mind and ever wants real commitment then you would be glad to listen. I would love a real committed relationship with her, an exclusive relationship, and that if she wants that in the future to let you know''

 

This is my plan so far...I will really go NC and if she reaches me I will let her know nicely that I am ok, going on with my life, focusing on myself and basically if she want to contact me back again she sould come all her mind made up.

 

Thats it!!

 

Guys, BCCA, MoonMoon,Oscar,NaNu, Samspade, FF84 and others please advice on my plan!!

 

What do you think about that?

 

I need your help!!

 

Thank you all in advance

[Oscar51]

Mcson,

 

I wouldn't necessarily plan out what you're going to say. But that's just me, I'm better at just winging stuff like that. Remember unless she's calling asking to try again, she's not telling you what you want to hear. Those how are you's are just to see if she still has you on a line. Everytime you respond telling her what you're doing and asking how she is, she knows she still has you. Trust me, it hurts to hear but its the damn truth. Taking power back means not giving her what she wants.

[mcson]

Mcson,

 

I wouldn't necessarily plan out what you're going to say. But that's just me, I'm better at just winging stuff like that. Remember unless she's calling asking to try again, she's not telling you what you want to hear. Those how are you's are just to see if she still has you on a line. Everytime you respond telling her what you're doing and asking how she is, she knows she still has you. Trust me, it hurts to hear but its the damn truth. Taking power back means not giving her what she wants.

 

 

Dear Oscar51,

 

Thank you for your message. So basically what you are saying is that, unless she has made up her mind and called me to say that she want to be with me again, I should neither reply on her messages nor tell her that I am focusing on myself and to contact me when she is ready''

Right?? That is what I understand.

 

Thank you

[Oscar51]

No. If you ever want her back I'd reply some, but lay off the details of your life. She broke up with you, so that info is no longer her business. Also when replying take some time to do so. Don't just fire a text back within the second you get it. You need to give the allusion that you are ok without her even if you aren't.

 

You can't do anything to make her want to come back. Trust me on that. Live your life, and if she REALLY wants to be a part of it, she'll make it known.

[mcson]

No. If you ever want her back I'd reply some, but lay off the details of your life. She broke up with you, so that info is no longer her business. Also when replying take some time to do so. Don't just fire a text back within the second you get it. You need to give the allusion that you are ok without her even if you aren't.

 

You can't do anything to make her want to come back. Trust me on that. Live your life, and if she REALLY wants to be a part of it, she'll make it known.

 

Dear Oscar51,

That is what I have been thinking of doing if she ever contacts me again. I am really living my own life at the moment...trying to forget her and concentrating on the things to improve my mental and physical health.

I still hope she comes back but I also hope this feeling disappears soon.

Anyhow I believe like you said '' she will make it known, if she really wants to be a part of my life again''

Thank you my friend.

I appreciate your support!!

[samspade]

Hey Mcson,

 

Looks like Oscar gave you some solid advice. He's right, you don't need to fill her in on how great your life is. You'll just look like you're trying to let her know you're over her, which is pointless.

 

Honestly, with the last girl I dated seriously, even up until a couple of months ago I still thought about either dating her or having sex with her again. Lately when I've thought about her it's almost like I'm not at all attracted to her anymore...it's pretty amazing. For the most part I maintained NC and am glad I didn't slip up too badly. Now the only way I'd sleep with her is if she told me she was dropping by with the sole purpose of no-strings-attached sex. And even then I'd probably turn her down! Stay the course, my friend.

[mcson]

Hey Mcson,

 

Looks like Oscar gave you some solid advice. He's right, you don't need to fill her in on how great your life is. You'll just look like you're trying to let her know you're over her, which is pointless.

 

Honestly, with the last girl I dated seriously, even up until a couple of months ago I still thought about either dating her or having sex with her again. Lately when I've thought about her it's almost like I'm not at all attracted to her anymore...it's pretty amazing. For the most part I maintained NC and am glad I didn't slip up too badly. Now the only way I'd sleep with her is if she told me she was dropping by with the sole purpose of no-strings-attached sex. And even then I'd probably turn her down! Stay the course, my friend.

 

 

Dear Samspade,

 

Thank you for your support. But Sex is out of subject in my case at the moment. I am not really thinking about sex when my heart is broken mate!

 

So basically what you are saying is that I should fill he rin with a small amount of info. from my life..very simple words...

right?

or I should just go for NC...but as Oscar said..if I go for total NC that is likely to kill the any chances to get her back!! SO I think it is best to give her very smaill bit of info. Like '' I am good. Doing this and that.''

and leave it there!!

 

What do you think mate?

 

Thanks

[FF84]

I just can't stay away from this thread. I've just read through it all from the start.

 

It's been a month since the break up, and what progress has been made?

 

Has moonmoon shown any sign of healing? No. Has the girl realised she misses him and wants him back? No. Does it look like there'll be a happy ending? No.

 

1 month that could have been spent so much more productively. Had moonmoon gone NC i think he'd be on the path to healing and it'd have given him and his girl a chance to view things from another angle. That's why NC is the only option after a breakup, whether you want them back or not.

[mcson]

I just can't stay away from this thread. I've just read through it all from the start.

 

It's been a month since the break up, and what progress has been made?

 

Has moonmoon shown any sign of healing? No. Has the girl realised she misses him and wants him back? No. Does it look like there'll be a happy ending? No.

 

1 month that could have been spent so much more productively. Had moonmoon gone NC i think he'd be on the path to healing and it'd have given him and his girl a chance to view things from another angle. That's why NC is the only option after a breakup, whether you want them back or not.

 

FF84,

 

I yhink you made a good point. It has been a month in my case as well. Even though the pain eased a little, I am still thinking of her and missing her. But like you say, I am on the way of healing and really I believe NC is the rule!! No other option!!

 

Thank you

[Oscar51]

No Mcson. You don't give her ANY details. The only way you should contact her is if she calls asking for another chance. She's really only calling to see if you've found someone else and have moved on. By you giving her the details she knows she has you whenever she wants.

 

Real Life Example:

 

A lady I work with broke up with her now fiance. She said she knew he was so nice that hed always be there. Well he went NC and walked away. 3 months later she found out he had a new GF and was devastated. She even admits to doing the how are you calls etc. He never once responded to them. They didn't speak for 6 months when she crawled back to him. She said it woke her up and made her respect him. See either 2 things will come out of NC. They'll come back or you'll heal and find someone new. Both of those are good things. Its the ONLY option you have.

[samspade]

Agree with Oscar 100%.

 

In my example, I meant to add I wish I had gone completely NC. I let a few exchanges happen but would have preferred none at all.

 

You see it over and over at LS - people posting things like "what does my ex mean by this?" or "ex texting me, could she want to come back"? They are grasping at straws. Unless you get complete, unambiguous language AND behavior indicating they want to come crawling back to you, then it's all just b.s.

 

Unfortunately, the defense of the heartbroken (including the OP on this thread) is "but my ex was different...what we had was unique." No, it wasn't, and no, she wasn't. Not in that sense, anyway. People don't realize how predictable their behavior is, and the reason their manipulative ways seem obvious to all but their dumped former significant other is simple: Desperation clouds the mind and corrupts logic. The key is, when you're sad and down, to divorce emotion from logic. It's not easy, and sometimes it takes help from others - which is why we're here.

 

If they still refuse to accept reality, they attack the very people trying to help them. I've been called bitter, misogynist, chauvinist, negative...all because I see things for how they really are rather than delude myself. It's the last refuge of the pathetic "nice guy" to attack people in this way.

[BCCA]

Agree with Oscar 100%.

 

In my example, I meant to add I wish I had gone completely NC. I let a few exchanges happen but would have preferred none at all.

 

You see it over and over at LS - people posting things like "what does my ex mean by this?" or "ex texting me, could she want to come back"? They are grasping at straws. Unless you get complete, unambiguous language AND behavior indicating they want to come crawling back to you, then it's all just b.s.

 

Unfortunately, the defense of the heartbroken (including the OP on this thread) is "but my ex was different...what we had was unique." No, it wasn't, and no, she wasn't. Not in that sense, anyway. People don't realize how predictable their behavior is, and the reason their manipulative ways seem obvious to all but their dumped former significant other is simple: Desperation clouds the mind and corrupts logic. The key is, when you're sad and down, to divorce emotion from logic. It's not easy, and sometimes it takes help from others - which is why we're here.

 

If they still refuse to accept reality, they attack the very people trying to help them. I've been called bitter, misogynist, chauvinist, negative...all because I see things for how they really are rather than delude myself. It's the last refuge of the pathetic "nice guy" to attack people in this way.

 

The bold part is what I've been trying to get people to realize for a while. I know I was guilty of the same thing, but as different as people can be, their motivation and reasoning for doing what the do is actually quite standard. I bet I can find 5+ stories that are almost identical on this forum in under 10 minutes.

 

I dont think anyone means to attack anyone else, but its hard not to shoot the messenger when youre getting info that you dont want to hear, or that goes against what you were hoping for. I am not condoning burying your head in the sand and lashing out at people giving advice, but at the same time, I can see why people act that way.

 

I think only when you've fought against NC and refused to go along with it for long enough to have your heart ripped from your chest over and over do you actually start to understand and appreciate it.

 

Again, I just want to remind people that your chances of getting your ex back and staying together long term are less than 5%. Just not good odds...

[4by4]

Caliguy, Samspade, BCCA and Oscar - you guys are awesome!

 

I keep coming bac to this thread for motivation and a dose of reality. There is no doubt my ex lost her respect for me a long long time ago when I used to beg and plead pathetically. Sticking around and hoping gets you nowhere. It is actually the quickest way to losing dignity and someone you love.

 

I feel stupid for even trying to rationalize what caused the break up. End of the day, her ass left me when I needed her the most. She bailed on me completely when things got tough, that's not love.

 

I do deserve so much better, and BCCA is right she doesn't deserve 10 mins, not even 5 seconds the next time I bump into her. And I wish I never run into her again.

[mcson]

No. If you ever want her back I'd reply some, but lay off the details of your life. She broke up with you, so that info is no longer her business. Also when replying take some time to do so. Don't just fire a text back within the second you get it. You need to give the allusion that you are ok without her even if you aren't.

 

You can't do anything to make her want to come back. Trust me on that. Live your life, and if she REALLY wants to be a part of it, she'll make it known.

 

 

No Mcson. You don't give her ANY details. The only way you should contact her is if she calls asking for another chance. She's really only calling to see if you've found someone else and have moved on. By you giving her the details she knows she has you whenever she wants.

 

Real Life Example:

 

A lady I work with broke up with her now fiance. She said she knew he was so nice that hed always be there. Well he went NC and walked away. 3 months later she found out he had a new GF and was devastated. She even admits to doing the how are you calls etc. He never once responded to them. They didn't speak for 6 months when she crawled back to him. She said it woke her up and made her respect him. See either 2 things will come out of NC. They'll come back or you'll heal and find someone new. Both of those are good things. Its the ONLY option you have.

 

 

Oscar51,

 

Having read your last 2 messages above, I am getting confused with the idea whether to tell her I am ok and nothing more whne she conatcts me or to go completely NC and not even reply to her messages or calls.

 

Basically you said you would reply somehow but would not give any details. Based on your advice, next time she contacts me with a text message and says '' How are you, what are you doing?''

Should I say '' I am good.'' and thats it?

 

or

 

Should I even ignore her messages and unless she tells me she wants me back, I should not reply to her any approach.

 

There is a very thin line over here guys! So please help me in that!!

 

Thank you so much

[Oscar51]

I'm in a different spot than you now. I finally reached the point where I just don't give a damn anymore. I've spent the past 4 months worrying about this person, when it's obvious they don't give a ****.

 

It feels amazing to not care. It really does. I got here from strict no contact. It is the only way. However, somehow a radar will go off in her head telling her that I've finally moved on. I can almost guarantee I will be hearing from her soon. Because somehow they know not to come back until you've really moved on.

 

My rules on NC. YOU NEVER CONTACT HER, EVER. I don't care if a relative died in your family, etc. YOU NEVER MAKE ANY EFFORT TO CONTACT HER. SHE DUMPED YOU REMEMBER? SHE made the decision that you just weren't good enough to be her boyfriend. So you want to be with this person because???

 

IF she contacts you: Unless it's to say MCSON I MISS YOU I WANT YOU BACK LET'S WORK THIS OUT, then she's not telling you anything you want to hear. When she texts you with those "How are you? and What are you doing?" She is trying to see if she can still have you. And every time you reply with Great, going clubbin, etc etc. She knows that she can have her cake and eat it too.

 

Let me ask you. How do you feel after you respond to her and you don't really get anything out of it? It sets you back to square one doesn't it? Personally if I were you, if she's not wanting to get back together, I wouldn't respond to her at all. And if she asks you why you are staying distant you say straight up, "You broke up with me, I'm trying to move on and you aren't making it very easy."

 

Take your power back and let her know that you won't be available forever. The more you let her toy with you, the more power she has. Trust me, once a new guy comes into her life, you will never hear from her again.

[Taramere]

Unfortunately, the defense of the heartbroken (including the OP on this thread) is "but my ex was different...what we had was unique." No, it wasn't, and no, she wasn't. Not in that sense, anyway. People don't realize how predictable their behavior is, and the reason their manipulative ways seem obvious to all but their dumped former significant other is simple: Desperation clouds the mind and corrupts logic. The key is, when you're sad and down, to divorce emotion from logic. It's not easy, and sometimes it takes help from others - which is why we're here.

 

Extremely well put.

 

I've just read this thread, and the opening post rang bells for me. I felt that the description of the girl could have been a description of me years ago. Reading more of Moonmoon's posts I felt as though I was getting more and more of a sense of how his ex might be feeling about this situation. The early posts suggested a combination of greatly valuing what Loveshack has to say on the matter, but also feeling that Loveshack is not quite right. Doesn't quite get the uniqueness of this situation. Misses the point.

 

In the same way, M values his ex-girlfriend greatly - and from the sound of things, made this clear to her -but lectured her about the ways in which she wasn't quite right. Didn't make him feel sufficiently loved at times. Must try harder in order to prevent the relationship from falling into a rut.

 

It's hard to explain, but sometimes men do that to women they're really into. There's this mixture of passion and frustration. "You're what I want, but I'm frustrated by these things you do. The way you're not quite perfect for me." And the more the man wants the woman, the more frustrated he seems to be by the ways in which she doesn't quite tick the boxes. But because he's crazy about her, he just knows that there must be some formula for making everything okay. "Helping" her to become the kind of woman who thinks, talks and behaves exactly as he wants his perfect woman to think, talk and behave. She is, after all, so close to being there already.

 

Moonmoon - I just don't see that there's some fantastic technique that's patiently waiting for you to hit on it so that it can help you win this girl back. Make her more decisive about what she wants - and make you what she wants. She's a young girl who lost her virginity pretty recently. Difficult as it might be to hear, there's every chance that she doesn't want you to be the only guy she's ever going to sleep with.

 

And if the fact that she was a virgin is part of the reason you have her up on this pedestal now...well, if she's feeling curious about what it would be like to have sex with other guys out there (and as a fairly recently deflowered virgin, she may well be) then the knowledge that you value her sexual inexperience so highly might be making her feel almost fraudulent. It might be that you've placed far too high a value on something about her (her recent virginity) that she herself really doesn't feel is put-me-on-a-pedestal-worthy.

 

That's how I would feel, I think. If the things another person values about you aren't the same things that you value about yourself, it can lead to a feeling of disconnection that the other person might be totally blind to.