How to win her back, atypical situation

[paperchase]

mcson, I'm not sure if you can catch the same train at a different station. When you have truly missed it, only the conductor can put on the breaks so you can catch up. Otherwise, as most posters have said, you might want to consider going to the other side of the tracks and getting on a train moving in the opposite direction. To be clear, the conductor is the ex that dumped you and going in the other direction might make her realize how fast your fading away while maintaining no contact.

 

In my situation, I believe my ex did want me to ask her to move in. But based on the other problems she identified during the breakup, and the clarity I am gaining through no contact, I suspect that moving in may have been a bad idea. I hate this NC thing, but I have received several communications I don't think would have ever come had I not gone silent.

 

Not just her professions of love and sadness, but her admissions of wrongdoing and accountability for our failures as a couple. Those communications don't fix anything and probably don't rise to the level to make me break the no contact, but they are positive signs...I think. Had I been begging and pleading and pursing, I doubt she would have said any of this, even if it's just manipulative BS.

[mcson]

Unless you're superman and can fly you can never catch the train at another station. I know you want your ex back badly right now and want closure. It's still early into the breakup that's why you are feeling this way. In a few more months of NC you won't be wondering about closure. Think about when you dumped your ex, what when on in your mind, did you take her back when she begged and try to contact you or you just contact her on your own? NC is tough and if it's your first time then you will have doubt about it just like anything else but it's the only solution you have right now.

 

I did not mean recoincilation though! Do not get it wrong please!

Train equals to Chance here....We all miss chances in this life..When we miss a chance, we get desperate and miserable. However, we do forget that the ''exact'' time we missed the chance keeps running, so gradually

conditions become more mature, more stable and predictable..but when these changes happen, we then stop trying? Why? Because we failed last time so that means we will fail again!!! That is the behavior of the mind. But in fact, as the conditions are different we can do that now but we never try!!!

 

So the ''another station'' is when the certain time came, the conditions are changed and clouds just dissappeared!!

 

There is always an another station in our lives!! Not in terms of recoincilation or getting back...but in terms of fixing for better!!

 

No need to be a Super MAn or kind of Super Hero, all is that;

 

'' Human beings can learn how to be Successfull as He already learns to be Unsuccessfull''

[samspade]

There is always an another station in our lives!! Not in terms of recoincilation or getting back...but in terms of fixing for better!!

 

There's also always another train coming along, every 10 minutes or so. It's easier to jump on that then to scramble to the next station. Eventually, you realize there are trains EVERYWHERE. Some are great, some not so much. It's up to you to choose the best one for you, and to get off when it ain't running well.

[mcson]

There's also always another train coming along, every 10 minutes or so. It's easier to jump on that then to scramble to the next station. Eventually, you realize there are trains EVERYWHERE. Some are great, some not so much. It's up to you to choose the best one for you, and to get off when it ain't running well.

 

That's what I was trying to say...Everything is up to us! We live the life we choose! Our thoughts and feelings lead us.Every motivation, positive thinking or vice versa are born through our feelings.

 

Imagine!!! You are in a deep sorrow, feeling pain and misery. You also feel physicall exhausted and I come to you and say '' You won the Lottery''!!! You are a millioner now! You can stop working, get a new house, a posh car, cant get any women and so on.

 

That will make you forget about the pain for a while, right? or for a long time, depending on your personality.

In fact, bear in mind that you have not even seen the money yet!!!

You have not touched the money, you have not owned it yet!!

 

The feeling made you feel better!!! Just the feeling!!

 

Your thoughts made you feel better even physically!!

 

What I am trying to say is that, we live the life we create with our feelings and thoughts.

I am not saying that I am able to create positive thoughts during these days. Especially after yesterdays event;

Let me briefly tell you the story.

 

You all more or less know what happened between me and my ex.

She asked for space. Having begged and pleaded at the beginning. I then gave her the space. She said all would be fine after vacation. She went on vacation, came back and sent me one of those BS sms ''Hi, how are you?'' which was not replied by me!

 

During this NC period, I made up my mind and finally yesterday I called her and I said exactly this;

 

''Listen, you asked for time and I believe I gave you enough, I would be glad to listen if you have cleared your mind up and solved your problems''

 

She goes; I am sorry that I made you feel bad. I am not ready for a serious relationship, kind of family life or sth for 1-2 years at least.

 

I say ; You know I never pushed on you to go for a family life, besides I am not ready for that yet either. I think we are not really getting somewhere, I wanted to say that I am already focusing on my own and I am moving on. That is not becauseI hate you or I am mad at you, because I do not want emotional breakdowns in my life anymore and I need to take care of myself.

 

I will always remember the good days with you and I feel lucky have shared. I hope you find what you are looking for in life.

Good Luck...Bye

 

You know how difficult to make this conversation? But I had to do...for my own sanity. In order to be able to go for compelete NC and forget. Having said all such thigs did not help me feeling sorrow and pain but I believe I did the right thing! I gave her my closure as she could not do it. I did not let the relationship hanging on somewhere without answers.

 

Moreover, I believe I did most appropriate speech as it could be expected from me. I ended it nicely...with no hatred or madness left ...and I said everything I wanted to say..

 

Now going for complete NC forever...not because I like this NC thing...because I have nothing left to say....

 

I will be sad but with myself...she will never know

I will cry, miss her, think about her ......she will never know

 

Finally, I need to learn how to use my feelings for better!!!

[mcson]

When I think about our memories, my heart gets torn apart...I feel like this pain is goint to be with me forever...I want to forget really!!!

I just do not wanna think about her...I do not wanna go to the places we went together...I do not want anything reminds me her....

 

Why did I love her that much ??? I loved her soo much that it hurts badly...

 

and Why love has to finish that way all the time??

 

Why we should learn from the pain?

 

I think most of you guys understand how I feel now....

 

Only thing I know, I have to get over her!!!! Get over this pain!!!

 

I have to be the same happy and cheerful guy back again!! After such pain I am having, it is gonna be very diffcult I know.

 

Wish me luck please

[Oscar51]

Like I always preach...TIME. Time is what it takes. I'm 4 months in and it's a HELL OF A LOT EASIER. I went all day without thinking about her, it was weird. I snapped into reality and was like "Woah, I didn't even think about her today."

 

I'm telling you, watch the movie Swingers. There's one scene in which his friend says, "Sometimes you miss the pain, for the same reason you miss her, because it was a part of you for so long." It's so true, I'm starting to miss the pain because it was part of my life 24 hours a day for 4 months. It feels weird, yet amazing to say, "I don't give a **** if she comes back or not."

 

Another key point to take away from Swingers is, "You can't do anything to make her want to come back, you can only do things to make her not want to come back." DON'T CALL. EVER. IT MAY BE 3 YEARS BEFORE SHE REALIZES SHE SCREWED UP, IT MAY BE 3 MONTHS. THERE'S NO TELLING, YOU CANNOT CONTROL SOMEONE. SOMETIMES IT'D BE NICE, BUT WE CAN'T. The only difference between giving up on her is if YOU decide to take her back when SHE WANTS TO COME BACK!!!!! STICK THAT PHRASE IN YOUR HEAD AND NEVER FORGET IT!

[samspade]

mson,

 

Make a list of all the things you DIDN'T like about her. Don't tell me there weren't any. Bad habits, political differences, random hairs in the wrong place. Make a list, keep it, and look at it every day.

 

And, go get a lap dance. Or, if you're not into that, call your buddies and tell them you need to let off some steam because you're down.

 

It's okay to be down for a little while...but remember - she was clearly not going to love you like you loved her, so be glad you aren't wasting any more time on her! You're free! Go catch another train.

[mcson]

 

I'm telling you, watch the movie Swingers. There's one scene in which his friend says, "Sometimes you miss the pain, for the same reason you miss her, because it was a part of you for so long." It's so true, I'm starting to miss the pain because it was part of my life 24 hours a day for 4 months. It feels weird, yet amazing to say, "I don't give a **** if she comes back or not."

 

Another key point to take away from Swingers is, "You can't do anything to make her want to come back, you can only do things to make her not want to come back." DON'T CALL. EVER. IT MAY BE 3 YEARS BEFORE SHE REALIZES SHE SCREWED UP, IT MAY BE 3 MONTHS. THERE'S NO TELLING, YOU CANNOT CONTROL SOMEONE. SOMETIMES IT'D BE NICE, BUT WE CAN'T. The only difference between giving up on her is if YOU decide to take her back when SHE WANTS TO COME BACK!!!!! STICK THAT PHRASE IN YOUR HEAD AND NEVER FORGET IT!

 

Oscar51, I agree with that statement. Missing the pain!! At the moment I am feeling the pain, I hope it disappears sometime than I can miss the pain which I am having 24 hours a day right now.

 

Eventhough, I have many question to ask her, I am not going to tell her EVER! Because I know she will not answer on them and nothing will change her mind unless she wants to come back.

 

There are many people on the earth starving for love,dignity,respect, commitment and I just do not understand why some people choose to GO when they know that the other person loves them deeply, with the greatest love on this world while others are starving for it!!

 

I think too much love ''kills'' like Queen said. It scares other person away..If you place too much love in them and if they see that they cannot handle it, they fall apart, get scared. Because They do not have such love inside and they do not know what to appreciate in this ''Short'' life.

 

I believe someday in her life she will realise that she screwed up!!If not, I already realise my pain and love and I am learning who to Love and who to give endless love!!

 

I like your phrase my friend, I will remember that always.

 

mson,

 

Make a list of all the things you DIDN'T like about her. Don't tell me there weren't any. Bad habits, political differences, random hairs in the wrong place. Make a list, keep it, and look at it every day.

 

And, go get a lap dance. Or, if you're not into that, call your buddies and tell them you need to let off some steam because you're down.

 

It's okay to be down for a little while...but remember - she was clearly not going to love you like you loved her, so be glad you aren't wasting any more time on her! You're free! Go catch another train.

 

Dear Samspade,

 

Point is in Love. If there is love mutually, does not matter if I do not like somethings in her. That is Pure, Truly Love!! I am starting to doubt if that really exists in today's World. I felt that I could give her ENDLESS love and I could love her forever. Like you said, she probably did not feel that way, so I let her go..why should I try to keep someone and convience who wa snot going to love me with the same love.

 

Obviously, if she loved truly, she would have ignored my mistakes...

 

I am really glad that I am not going to waste my time on such BS anymore but on the other hand I cannot stop stinking that she may come back one day.

 

Time Heals!! I am not waiting for her to come back but in case if she comes back I hope that won't be so late.

 

Please keep posting guys...I appreciate your support and devotion

 

Take Care

[samspade]

Point is in Love. If there is love mutually, does not matter if I do not like somethings in her. That is Pure, Truly Love!! I am starting to doubt if that really exists in today's World.

 

I recognize that you were in love, man. That's fine and I admire that. But now you are trying to get over her, so I was trying to help you. You're going to have to take her down a few notches in your mind. Or, prop yourself up. I think your problem is bigger than this one girl....you seem to have placed her value above yours.

 

As to whether "true love" exists in today's world, well, it exists just as it has always existed. But it's not the same as you find in movies or TV shows or books. You need to learn to love yourself first, so that you aren't so willing to give away the store as soon as someone shows you some affection. I don't know if that makes any sense....the kind of "true love" you are idealizing exists - go buy a puppy and I guarantee it'll love you unconditionally!

 

There are many people on the earth starving for love,dignity,respect, commitment and I just do not understand why some people choose to GO when they know that the other person loves them deeply, with the greatest love on this world while others are starving for it!!

 

You see, that's not fair. Did your mother tell you to marry the first mean, ugly, dirty girl that showed you affection, because there were people in China starving for love? Or did she tell you to find someone you know you deserve? (She might not have told you anything, but you get what I'm saying.) You can't just blame this woman for not feeling anything back. It's not a conscious choice that people make. She was honest with you, and you should be thankful for that because some women would prefer to waste your time and string you along.

[Ratherunique]

Be strong, there are definitely more fish in the sea. I have the same problem as you, I tend to get wrapped up with the female I'm with. But remember, at the end of the day you can't let your life revolve around the woman b/c one day if she leaves you will be left in shambles trying to pick up the pieces. Take this time to work on yourself and practice strict NC

[peacebyinches]

Am I missing something or did moonmoon stop posting? Great advice through this whole thread but at some point you got to tell the dude he's acting like a b!tch. I bet the second guy she slept with used and abused her and wore her out till he busted all in her face. Man up man.

 

Her giving you her virginity dont make you or her anymore special. She's still just some girl. Gimme her number and a plane ticket to her home town and cover my lodging. Im not working until March so I got free time. I'll see if I can make a video to prove she aint no different than the rest.

 

If you are this dependant on someone else I can see why she left.

 

Sorry I lost patience on like page 4. Honestly I understand how you feel. It hurts. You dont want her to feel for anyone else what she felt for you. She feels like your soulmate. You would take a bullet for her. You know what though. She dont feel the same. She may have before but she doesnt anymore and probably never will again. Shake it off man. Stop being a pussy.

[samspade]

Hey Peace...this thread has definitely taken on a life of its own. I think moonmoon disappeared, probably because he did not heed our advice and is licking his wounds in private.

 

I agree with what you said and attempted to tell him something similar, but the minute I brought up the fact that some other guy was sexing her, and that she's no different from any of us, he accused me of being bitter and also of not reading his threads.

 

I also agree that one of the chief problems for a lot of these posters is that they ARE acting like wusses, and that is their undoing. But it is very hard to convince people by simply telling them that. I think some people honestly have to go through the many stages of heartbreak and embarrassment until they come around and realize that moving on quietly is always the better path.

[peacebyinches]

Yea. Im guilty of taking the wuss route last time. This time I said no way. I had to come here so I could feel better about my decision so I guess I can relate to Moon but I went the crazy route. Chased off any new friend she had. Showed up unannounced, etc etc. It actually got her back 3 times. Then I guess when the game wasnt fun anymore it stopped working. Police got involved. 7 months later we had to go to court and she was pregnant and as much as I thought she was the world seeing her pregnant didnt hurt me like I thought it would have months ago.

 

Lesson I learned was all you can do is save your pride and when you are over her you are going to be glad you did or wish you had. This time hurts the same but Im sucking it up. No crazy. No crying to her. No notes on the car. Just being a trooper about it.

[Oscar51]

Most people don't understand the best shot at "Getting Someone Back" is by manning up and moving forward. I put that in quotation marks because there is no real way to get someone back. Begging, pleading may work temporarily, but it won't last very long. Moonmoon did dissapear, he came back once and said his lunch or whatever went well, and said we were wrong again. But now he's gone, I figure after all the "Abuse" he claimed we were giving him, IF IT WORKED OUT, he'd be here rubbing it in our faces.

 

Again, no contact is only for when you are dumped for being needy, clingy, a doormat, or your life was revolving around the chick. NOT for when you cheated on her. Then no contact would make you look like you really don't care. However, when you go no contact after being a pussy throughout the relationship, you gain your respect back, which she probably had NONE for you. You show her and the world that you don't need her to survive.

 

TWO THINGS will come out of no contact. Either you will get over it and find someone who blows your ex out of the water, or they'll come back and YOU have the power to decide if you want her back or not. But they usually don't come back until they know you are actually over them. That's when things get tricky.

[samspade]

Just being a trooper about it.

 

Better than being chased by the troopers.

[peacebyinches]

I started feeling like a bitch and had to refer to this thread to man up. Dont want to be helpless as this dude.

[porter218]

Wow I can't beleive you guys are still going on and on in moonmoons absence. To be perfectly honest I don't think he has even been on this site in a long time. I doubt he is licking his wounds in private...I think he is starting to realize that this girl was not all that...i mean she is nice and all but I think moonmoon liked her so much because he finally got a virgin of his very own. That was something he has always looked for in a girl.....'purity'..

[moonmoon]

Haha, thanks porter, i did just finally come back here because I had a good chat with her on Christmas night, and I wanted to put my two cents in since everyone has seemed to come up with ther own explanations.

First of all, can someone please explain to me what the hell they think I did that was wussy or not manning up?

I think a lot of people are projecting their experiences on to my thread and attempting to see me as their former "pussy" self that went about the break up all wrong.

Im proud of how I dealt with this and it seems like porter, BCCA and only a handful of others actually have understood what has happened and reflect that in their posts.

Much to the chagrine of everyone whos failed to get their exes back, Im making baby steps towards that goal.

Ive thought about the fact that if I get her back it would take over a year for me to be comfortable letting her know what Ive been through emotionally and psychologically.

Yeah I was dependent on her - Ive gone through a ****load of pain the past month and a half because of it but thats what life is about.

I can also tell you guys who seemed to be hooked on the "other guy" scenarios that you are definitely reflecting your insecurities and experiences when I read your posts.

I would bet everything that I own that she hasnt gotten involved, much less had sex with another guy, since we broke up, and this is from her tone and how she has talked with me, her overall attitude. Its nice to know her well enough to understand that about her, but to be honest, its really not important to me whether she has or not. I am not upset at the loss of the ability to control what she can or cant do, I am sad at the loss of a relationship with someone whose characteristics complement mine so amazingly well.

I also realize that all of the best things in my life took tons of work to achieve and at times I faced a lot of self doubt, thinking Id never get there, working on things that seemed so far removed from the goal that I had to keep reminding myself why I was even bothering. My relationship with her seems strikingly similar to these other things.

I believe its worth fighting for.

I still go through lots of pain but id say only about 1 in 4 or 5 days is as bad as it used to be daily for me, and even then its probably not quite as bad. People still notice me stewing from time to time and sometimes ill be sort of subconsciously thinking about things and the next thing I know I am getting this sort of rushing butterfly feeling in my chest. Sound familiar to anyone?

Ive said a lot of the same things some of you guys are saying about other girls ive dated before, But I dont believe anyone who has found the love of their life would be frequenting these forums, so I understand where it is coming from.

Its getting better, Ive got my diet and fitness on track, better than before, although I do have to remind myself often that it needs to be for me and not just so I can attract her back when I see her next.

 

A. I still do think shes all that, sorry porter -

B. I have been with several virgins, so this wasnt a first for me or anything.

 

I never said she was perfect and I never said I was worthless. Its amazing how people have projected their experience on to mine even though they talk about going so crazy over a girl that POLICE GOT INVOLVED?!?

[moonmoon]

When I think about our memories, my heart gets torn apart...I feel like this pain is goint to be with me forever...I want to forget really!!!

I just do not wanna think about her...I do not wanna go to the places we went together...I do not want anything reminds me her....

 

MCSON, Im so glad you brought this up, because it reminds me of something that I figured out that has helped me with the healing process alot.

I actually have made a conscious effort to GO to the places we used to go, or eat, or hang out etc.

By going to the restaurant or wherever my most recent memories were of her, I have allowed myself to go to these places. Furthermore, being at the place allows you the time to truly experience the memory and put it in its correct place, instead of ignoring your feelings, you get to feel your feelings, and the next time you walk by the establishment you think of it as where you hung out with your buddies or whatever, and you get to take back your mind.

 

This sidetracks me into reminding me of a reason I think some of the advice in here is flawed, people talk about dwelling on the negative characteristics of their ex as a means to get over them but I dont think that is very healthy or honest behavior, unless your ex truly was such a bad person.

 

I have been slowly getting over her but at the same time realizing what a great thing we have and could have, and personally i think this has eliminated that "hatred" aspect that drives people to do stupid **** in a moment of weakness like drunk dial or show up unannounced. And best of all, each day I become more confident that next time I see her I will be that much more attractive because I have feelings that I have confronted and understand and I know I wont make the mistake of begging or lacking the courage to act the way I feel/ instead of being a pussy and having to hide from my feelings about her and artificially manufacture some kind of hatred. that requires me never to talk to her again.

 

I think NC as a concept is great because so many people do stupid **** when the break up is fresh but you have to understand where maturity and confronting your feelings is ultimately the only way you are ever going to be happy. I am able to rest assured knowing that by using a little bit of no contact to get through the period where I could have done the most damage, I have given this relationship hundredfold the chance it would have had had I begged and pleaded right away.

 

I still think one of BCCA's greatest points was that nothing ventured nothing gained, and I (personally) think you will get over a break up more completely and more quickly if you go ahead and make a fool of yourself by begging and acting hopelessly romantic than by hiding from your feelings, so I would recommend going on your gut instincts if its the only alternative you have to completely going NC.

Your gonna feel the pain no matter what you do, so I say live with no regrets.

[mcson]

I recognize that you were in love, man. That's fine and I admire that. But now you are trying to get over her, so I was trying to help you. You're going to have to take her down a few notches in your mind. Or, prop yourself up. I think your problem is bigger than this one girl....you seem to have placed her value above yours.

 

As to whether "true love" exists in today's world, well, it exists just as it has always existed. But it's not the same as you find in movies or TV shows or books. You need to learn to love yourself first, so that you aren't so willing to give away the store as soon as someone shows you some affection. I don't know if that makes any sense....the kind of "true love" you are idealizing exists - go buy a puppy and I guarantee it'll love you unconditionally!

 

You see, that's not fair. Did your mother tell you to marry the first mean, ugly, dirty girl that showed you affection, because there were people in China starving for love? Or did she tell you to find someone you know you deserve? (She might not have told you anything, but you get what I'm saying.) You can't just blame this woman for not feeling anything back. It's not a conscious choice that people make. She was honest with you, and you should be thankful for that because some women would prefer to waste your time and string you along.

 

Dear Samspade,

I appreciate your help thank you for that. I may agree to the fact that somehow I placed her value above mine. That was because probably I loved her so much and I believed she loved me the same.

 

On the other hand, I am not blaming anyone at all!! I just wanted to say how people loose feelings that easily when they really try hard to be together beforehand.

 

Be strong, there are definitely more fish in the sea. I have the same problem as you, I tend to get wrapped up with the female I'm with. But remember, at the end of the day you can't let your life revolve around the woman b/c one day if she leaves you will be left in shambles trying to pick up the pieces. Take this time to work on yourself and practice strict NC

 

Dear Ratherunique,

 

That makes sense ''getting wrapped up with the woman I am with''. This thing is really tricky, b/c when you feel that you really love her and She is the ''one'', you get wrapped with that unconciously..you just do not realise that you are making your life depend on her in every aspects. Then when she leaves, you realise that during your relation you did nothing but to love her and praise her.

 

I am really trying to work on myself and I go for NC eventhough I am not quite sure if that is the right thing to do but as we have broke up, it seems to be the only thing to do.

 

I still have many things to say to her but I prefer to keep silent untill I start thinking rational again.

 

I do not know if she reaches to me again or not...I only know that I have to be stronger and I am working on it.

 

Thank you so much guys

[mcson]

MCSON, Im so glad you brought this up, because it reminds me of something that I figured out that has helped me with the healing process alot.

I actually have made a conscious effort to GO to the places we used to go, or eat, or hang out etc.

By going to the restaurant or wherever my most recent memories were of her, I have allowed myself to go to these places. Furthermore, being at the place allows you the time to truly experience the memory and put it in its correct place, instead of ignoring your feelings, you get to feel your feelings, and the next time you walk by the establishment you think of it as where you hung out with your buddies or whatever, and you get to take back your mind.

 

This sidetracks me into reminding me of a reason I think some of the advice in here is flawed, people talk about dwelling on the negative characteristics of their ex as a means to get over them but I dont think that is very healthy or honest behavior, unless your ex truly was such a bad person.

 

I have been slowly getting over her but at the same time realizing what a great thing we have and could have, and personally i think this has eliminated that "hatred" aspect that drives people to do stupid **** in a moment of weakness like drunk dial or show up unannounced. And best of all, each day I become more confident that next time I see her I will be that much more attractive because I have feelings that I have confronted and understand and I know I wont make the mistake of begging or lacking the courage to act the way I feel/ instead of being a pussy and having to hide from my feelings about her and artificially manufacture some kind of hatred. that requires me never to talk to her again.

 

I think NC as a concept is great because so many people do stupid **** when the break up is fresh but you have to understand where maturity and confronting your feelings is ultimately the only way you are ever going to be happy. I am able to rest assured knowing that by using a little bit of no contact to get through the period where I could have done the most damage, I have given this relationship hundredfold the chance it would have had had I begged and pleaded right away.

 

I still think one of BCCA's greatest points was that nothing ventured nothing gained, and I (personally) think you will get over a break up more completely and more quickly if you go ahead and make a fool of yourself by begging and acting hopelessly romantic than by hiding from your feelings, so I would recommend going on your gut instincts if its the only alternative you have to completely going NC.

Your gonna feel the pain no matter what you do, so I say live with no regrets.

 

MOONMOON,

 

Thank you for your advise and support.

 

I totally agree with you paint where you stated that picking up negative point of your ex and sticking with them is not the proper way of getting over her. I actually never did that and I do not believe that is really needed.

 

If I need to be stronger and better, I have to confront my pains and feelings, I cannot just let them go by teaching myself hatret. I need to learn from my pains and instead of being a pain addict, I need to feel the pain and try to conrol it. I believe that is the only way we can really learn and be stronger!

 

People over here continiously saying that NC is a concept to get over her and heal. However I always believe that ''Success is learnt form Successfull People'' so if we , Moonmoon and Mcson, still want to get our ex-back, we really need to find our own better way to do it. However, if we choose to get over and forget, NC is the only way!

 

LAst part of your message really makes sense my friend. I am hiding my feelings now and I am not giving her anything. However that does not mean that I do not suffer or I do not have anything to say! I still have many things inside to tell her, not like I love you or you are the ''one'' kind of things, I want to tell her about my real feelings and thoughts but I am afraid to do so. Like you say, ''I am feeling the pain no matter IA m doing NC or talking to her ''

Really the point is that if we want them back!!!! OR We Let them Go!!!!

We have to make up our minds...then comes NC or whatever

 

I personally said to her on the phone that ''I was moving on and I do not want anymore emotional breakdowns in my life adn I was doing that for my sanity''

I really had to do that for my sanity and I did. 5 days past with NC and I am trying really hard to control myself, improve and feel better. However, at some point you just cannot stop your brain producing new thoughts. Like I said that is cause by my ''indeciciveness'' either to let her go or want her back!! And not knowing waht to do if I want her back!!! SO I stay away!!

 

I hope you get my point my friend

 

Keep posting

 

Take care

[porter218]

A. I still do think shes all that, sorry porter -

B. I have been with several virgins, so this wasnt a first for me or anything.

 

I never said she was perfect and I never said I was worthless. Its amazing how people have projected their experience on to mine even though they talk about going so crazy over a girl that POLICE GOT INVOLVED?!?

I know you have been with other virgins but I am talking about in your independent, not living at home, adult life. I think she is a nice girl and all ..a decent catch...but not worth a whole lot of heart ache at this point. Look really think you all will get back together, but I think your main attraction to her is her virginity...admit it....

 

I refuse to read all 1 million pages of your thread, so I will have to assume the "police got involved' comment was pointed at someone else..lol:bunny:

 

But I don't believe anyone who has found the love of their life would be frequenting these forums, so I understand where it is coming from.

 

 

OK, now you went too far here. Sooooooo untrue. My H may have f-d up in a serious way but he is, in every way, the love of my life and nothing he could do can change that. Love isn't simple and it also isn't black and white. I can have wounds that last forever that drive me to this site but it doesn't mean that the love for my H is any less real and the same goes for you and your ex.

[mcson]

I reckon most uf us who is suffering through a painful Break-Up have already read several books or texts about ''getting Ex Back'' or ''recoincilation''. At that extend, I would like to ask something to all of you who are contrubiting, putting an effort to read and write in here;

 

I assume you have already read advices like below;

 

''if u want ur ex gf back, then u gotta build the attraction that u had for one another at the beginning. Dont contact ur ex for about a month after the breakup, let them miss u and think about u, and in this month go and exercise, go out with friends, and hav a great time. then after a month go and do sumthing fun with them, and wen they see u after that month, u will be happy and self-confident and they will notice that change in u and it will impact on them. continue these fun dates (activities) for a little while and u'd be surprised and how the attraction between the 2 of you will grow again and it will re-establish the relationship and you will be back together''

 

That was just an example. I have read in many many books the same thing;

 

-DO not Contact (slightly different from NC)

-Exercise and look better

-Improve yourself

-Go out, have fun

-Meet up friends

-Re-contact again

 

 

Based on their advice, doing such things will make them get attracted to you once again. They will see you as confident, strong and improved man they want back etc.

 

However, when we talk about ''getting Ex back'' on this forum,, most people tell us to go for strict NC which is quite different from what books tell. In ''Strict NC'', there is no way of Contacting back, you just focus on yourself, try to feel better, be healthy, and Get Over Her!

 

I am not saying this one is wrong the other one is right or vice versa, I am trying to figure out the difference between these 2 different statements!

 

I said in my previous post ''we need to decide whether we want them back or not ''...supposing that we want back, which solution is more suitable for us?

 

I am not even taking in to account ''deciding to Let Her Go'' as in that case there is no other option but Strict NC!!

 

I understand that if she has already lost attraction and even feelings. It is impossible to get her back. However, if that is not the case, if she fell apart because her fears and thoughts went beyond her feelings. I mean if she was thinking with her mind and did not even let her feelings conquer the situation. So how could I gain back her love and feelings?

 

I believe if she loved once, she can not loose her feelings in a day so she is beeing over logical and does not let her heart speak ouk. She is just listening to her mind. SO do u think if I do right things in order not to push her further away, there may be another chance? and what are those right things?

 

I am already applying;

 

-NC; no sms, no call, no info, no nothing

-I did let her know that I am moving on because I do not want anymore emotional breakdowns and I am doing this for my sanity

-I am giving her time and in the mean time improving myself mentally and emotionally.

-I take it easy and I learn from my pains

-I take advice from my mates

-I go out and try to enjoy

 

I do all these things already and I am not quite sure if NC will let her contact me one day? I admit that NC make sme think rational again as well as giving her time she needs!! But another risk appears here; she may think that I have already moved on and I do not want her anymore.

 

There comes in my consideration, how can I avoide such risk? How can I make her feel that I am not really forgetting about her everyday. Yes she knows that I am trying to move on but she sould not get a false idea that I am moving easily.

 

So, should I contact her sometime? or just say hi? what can I do ? or just keep strict NC?

 

 

Please do share your thoughts..

 

Thank you all in advance

[FF84]

Moonmoon, keep us posted on your progress. This thread is comedy gold, cheers.

 

Mcson,

 

I believe if she loved once, she can not loose her feelings in a day so she is beeing over logical and does not let her heart speak ouk. She is just listening to her mind. SO do u think if I do right things in order not to push her further away, there may be another chance? and what are those right things?

 

Women don't make a snap decision when it comes to breaking up. She probably started the process of breaking up 2-3 months before she actually told you, she would have spent a long time thinking about it before she said anything. Women let that emotional attachment go slowly and while you're right, it doesn't just disappear overnight it's likely it started to go a lot longer ago than you realised.

 

And if she wants to come back, she will. This is the point that gets emphasised over and over and over. If she wants you back it won't matter that she thinks you've moved on, nothing will stop her. Unfortunately you may have to face up to the fact that she might actually be glad that you're not contacting her in any way...

[mcson]

Moonmoon, keep us posted on your progress. This thread is comedy gold, cheers.

 

Mcson,

 

 

 

Women don't make a snap decision when it comes to breaking up. She probably started the process of breaking up 2-3 months before she actually told you, she would have spent a long time thinking about it before she said anything. Women let that emotional attachment go slowly and while you're right, it doesn't just disappear overnight it's likely it started to go a lot longer ago than you realised.

 

And if she wants to come back, she will. This is the point that gets emphasised over and over and over. If she wants you back it won't matter that she thinks you've moved on, nothing will stop her. Unfortunately you may have to face up to the fact that she might actually be glad that you're not contacting her in any way...

 

Dear FF84,

 

I understand that women start the process of breaking-up 2-3 mopntsh earlier. However, she did never make me sense!! Do you think they can hide their feelings that better?

 

On the other hand, why do you think that she may be gald that I am not contacting her any way? In my literature, there are 2 answers to that,

-Either she has already moved on and does not feel anything

or

-She is kinda freedom addict and she is sick of being under control of a man

 

What do you think about that my friend?

 

I understand your point, is she decided to break up 2-3 months earlier, it seems no chance she is coming back...

 

I do not know what to do..if she is happy that I am not contacting like you say, I should then keep NC forever!

 

No other option left!