How to win her back, atypical situation

[DarkFlame1979]

Has she had the time, to "chill out" and "do her own thing" as in my situation I think is critical for her to hopefully "re evaluate" her life does it include you or not?? I cant remember the timeline so it may have been a while....fill me in!

[moonmoon]

yeah shes had some time i mean considering we spent almost every night together for 3 months and talked several times a day, two weeks of silence is more space than she has had in a while.

 

I dont believe it has been long enough for her to pull a 180 or something, but granted that it was somewhat short for a relationship that serious I think shes probably hitting solid ground like I am now.

 

Im shooting for a coffee in a week or two. Its comforting to know we broke up on good terms so its not gonna be coming outta left field if I ask her out.

 

She is very independent and doesnt like to be wrong and I think that means she is likely to wait for me to break NC even when she is open to starting over again.

[BCCA]

Listen Moonmoon, if you can find out the magic words to say to make her feel differently, please post them here, so that the thousands of other people who couldn't come up with them can see. I'm not telling you to disregard the specifics of your relationship, I'm just saying you need to be a little more realistic. You're really confused and desperate for answers right now, and it's kind of clouding your judgement. I'm sure your heart wants to you keep trying until it stops beating, but I bet your head has been telling you to back away for a while now and you're not listening.

 

I also have had a few friend requests and met a fair amount of people since we broke up but I havent confirmed them because I dont want her to get the false message like im over her and moved on and living my life completely normally now.

 

What would you say if I told you that her thinking youre over her and ok without her is probably the best message you can send? Do you really think its more attractive if youre sitting around waiting for her or spending your time wishing you could get her back? Bro, this is classic denial. You two are broken up, you SHOULD be doing things to get over her and living your life normally. NO ONE in the world wants someone who is dependent on them for their happiness and who can't get by without them, especially not women. It's totally unattractive. You need to be independent, and just fine without anyone.

 

I'm going to cut to the chase, what have you seen her do (actions) that would lead you to believe that there is any chance of reconciliation?

 

Please keep us updated. I'm very interested on your opinions in about 4-6 weeks. I dont mean to be a buzzkill, but I would bet anything youre going to see where we are all coming from, and probably sound a lot like me in a couple months. Its not that Im wishing you ill will, jaded, etc...but honestly, I like to think Im realistic. Only time will tell, and I wish you the best, but I think you'll understand where Im coming from a little better one day soon.

[moonmoon]

Also what should I do as far as any physical situations that present themselves?

 

I think every single time Ive seen her even before we got really involved I gave her a big hug when I greeted her. Is now a time to change that or is now as important as ever to do that?

 

Also, I think a kiss on the lips when we say goodbye could complicate things, especially if she dodges it. Should I give her a kiss on the cheek?

 

 

Worst/best of all, if I get a horny vibe from her, i get mixed opinions on whether a hookup would do good or bad for me.

[Teuen101]

BCCA you're posts we're awesome- shoot they helped me lol- Read and take to heart what BCCA is posting because its the truth it may be hard to hear but he is right on!

[moonmoon]

it was the nature of the break that makes me think there is a chance at reconciliation.

 

It is the fact that even when I was with her and I knew I was doing things that I didnt really want to do or think I should do, I did them and all the while they were building up to the point she couldnt take it.

 

Heres a couple of key things I said that affect why i feel this way. In the beginning of November I told her I loved her but I wasnt "in love" with her. I really said this because I was in love with her but I wasnt sure if she was in love with me so I wanted to force her hand out into the open.

Well it didnt work because she is so mum emotionally but later she told me she didnt like that conversation and it had been making her feel and act distant.

 

Towards the beginning of the relationship when I felt she was ignoring me for her friends too much I stressed her for about half an hour by saying she didnt want to be with me and we should just break up if thats the case etc.

 

These are two conversations in which I didnt act myself in the relationship and I think they are a large part of why she ended up breaking it.

 

And ultimately i dont think we are fine alone and its okay to have a beating and feeling heart. If we were supposed to be than why did god nature etc decided to give half of us a penis and half a vagina.

[FF84]

I despair when I see these threads with people asking for advice but then totally ignoring it anyway. All you're doing is waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear, you want to hear someone say that this isn't over and that you can win her back easily. Until you hear that you're just going to ignore the reality.

 

Add this thread URL to your bookmarks. Leave things alone. Then come back in 3 months and read this thread again and laugh at how silly you're being. Seriously.

 

It sounds to everyone else like this is over. If you believe otherwise then do what you think you should, because it's clear you're not interested in hearing any contrary views.

[moonmoon]

it didnt sound like that to everyone else I talked to.

 

yes I think the long time LS community is jaded.

 

but to that effect, I will just for the sake of argument, come back when I have won her back and post accordingly, unlike the majority of people who win their exes back, who never come back to LS in the first place.

 

Plenty of real people have told me NC is not the way to go as well as some people on LS.

 

I dont blame you BCCA for your posts because you have been the victim of many dumpers and it seems like the simplest cookie cutter approach to ease the heartache.

 

If you are going to actually answer my questions about the best way to approach seeing her again I would love to hear and I need your advice, Ive made plenty of questions here that I am curious of the answer to.

However, whether you think Im wrong or not, the Jaded, Cold, Heartless, Blanket-NC comments arent really doing anything for me anymore.

 

I appreciate your support but whether you think what im doing is a mistake or not, I want advice on how to best go about what im doing.

[WiseOne1]

Wiseone says this, LS really doesn’t have that advice, due to halfway every member of LS doing NC. Alot of people of on LS never attempted to conjure up a plan to win there ex back, they just went NC, which is has never ever worked when it comes to getting a ex back, as far as LS goes.

 

Although alot of LoveShack members came back once they got there ex back, they just didn’t stick around and try to help others like they were helped, ungrateful.

 

I understand that your looking forward to repair you and your ex, your not looking forward to getting over you ex. I must say that’s its going to be hard to find any advice on LS that helps you get back your ex, however I can give you advice, but I don’t think that its good advice.

 

My ex wanted to get back with me, when I agreed with everything she said, when she blamed me I took the blame, and I basically agreed 'she wanted me back for about a day, and then she went back to her old feelings, of not loving me anymore.

 

Basically you want to be a ear, and not judge or try to change the way she feels, let her know that you know there’s problems, but then again that’s what I did and it didn’t get me anywhere, well only for 1 day it did.

[4by4]

Try posting in the "relationship" section of LS, you might get some actual advice on how to "win her back".

 

You will find many sources of self help in relation to winning someone over on the web. Some of this stuff might cost you.

 

Moonmoon, I really do wish you all the best. But somehow, I just feel like you are doing too much. Now is the perfect time to concentrate on YOU. Unlike other members, I'm not saying you have no shot at getting back with your ex, but you absolutely have to be mentally prepared and be in a different emotional state when you approach her.

 

I would suggest giving her a month, let her miss your good qualities. Use the time wisely to understand how to make yourself happy without her presence. You will get to a point where contacting her is a choice rather than a mission. Play it cool is important, pouring your heart out is stupid Trust me Ive been there.

[moonmoon]

thanks guys your last two posts really helped me alot!

 

 

this is going to be one of my last posts because its been difficult to find advice in this forum that has helped me as much as the last two posts.

 

What im wondering, since I decided and was told, a few days ago, that I should give her a call when she gets back in town (tonight at like 9 or ten) and have a brief positive chat and then close out with a coffee invitation.

 

am I gonna have better chances in the long run if I let the NC progress all the way through the holidays? (or if/whenever she breaks NC?)

 

Though it was intense and awesome, our relationship was only 4.5 months long, and dont want the good memories completely submerged by the time we're talking again.

 

so in order to rekindle a four month relationship what is a better NC period, 2-3 weeks, or 2 months??

 

i know people say 3-4 months for longer term relationships but this is kindof shorter than the typical year relationship they are referring to.

[WiseOne1]

thanks guys your last two posts really helped me alot!

 

 

this is going to be one of my last posts because its been difficult to find advice in this forum that has helped me as much as the last two posts.

 

What im wondering, since I decided and was told, a few days ago, that I should give her a call when she gets back in town (tonight at like 9 or ten) and have a brief positive chat and then close out with a coffee invitation.

 

am I gonna have better chances in the long run if I let the NC progress all the way through the holidays? (or if/whenever she breaks NC?)

 

Though it was intense and awesome, our relationship was only 4.5 months long, and dont want the good memories completely submerged by the time we're talking again.

 

so in order to rekindle a four month relationship what is a better NC period, 2-3 weeks, or 2 months??

 

i know people say 3-4 months for longer term relationships but this is kindof shorter than the typical year relationship they are referring to.

 

Wiseone says this, I would say 1 month of NC is better, 2-3 is enough to make her miss you, but you really wanna make her think about you nite and day, if you do 2-3 weeks she'll bounce back to quit, also the only downer in your NC plan is that you cant make contact, she has to make contact.

[Oscar51]

I suggest watching the movie Swingers. The opening scene is what all people who have been dumped should see. It goes like this...

 

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob: You don't call.

Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob: Right.

Mike: So I don't call either way?

Rob: Right.

Mike: So what's the difference?

Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob: Right.

Mike: Well that sucks.

Rob: Yeah, it sucks.

Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike: What do you mean?

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike: There's the rub.

Rob: There's the rub.

 

You can't make someone love or want to be with you. IF they break up with you, cut them off and make their decision final. You can't let someone just walk back into your life once they find it right for them, meanwhile they are out doing whatever or whoever they like.

 

Just my two cents.

[EmperorR]

I suggest watching the movie Swingers. The opening scene is what all people who have been dumped should see. It goes like this...

 

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob: You don't call.

Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob: Right.

Mike: So I don't call either way?

Rob: Right.

Mike: So what's the difference?

Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob: Right.

Mike: Well that sucks.

Rob: Yeah, it sucks.

Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike: What do you mean?

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike: There's the rub.

Rob: There's the rub.

 

You can't make someone love or want to be with you. IF they break up with you, cut them off and make their decision final. You can't let someone just walk back into your life once they find it right for them, meanwhile they are out doing whatever or whoever they like.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I agree 100% with that, swingers great movie to

 

This is why second chances are so slim, by the time the other person tries to come back the other person doesn't want them.

 

I wanted my ex so badly the first hell 2 months I would do anything to get get her back, Now I'm not even sure, and I know soon I will not.

 

 

I know first hand the begging hte pleading, calling etc. will just push them further and further away, that is why NC is the best you work on yourself.

[EmperorR]

Listen Moonmoon, if you can find out the magic words to say to make her feel differently, please post them here, so that the thousands of other people who couldn't come up with them can see. I'm not telling you to disregard the specifics of your relationship, I'm just saying you need to be a little more realistic. You're really confused and desperate for answers right now, and it's kind of clouding your judgement. I'm sure your heart wants to you keep trying until it stops beating, but I bet your head has been telling you to back away for a while now and you're not listening.

 

I also have had a few friend requests and met a fair amount of people since we broke up but I havent confirmed them because I dont want her to get the false message like im over her and moved on and living my life completely normally now.

 

What would you say if I told you that her thinking youre over her and ok without her is probably the best message you can send? Do you really think its more attractive if youre sitting around waiting for her or spending your time wishing you could get her back? Bro, this is classic denial. You two are broken up, you SHOULD be doing things to get over her and living your life normally. NO ONE in the world wants someone who is dependent on them for their happiness and who can't get by without them, especially not women. It's totally unattractive. You need to be independent, and just fine without anyone.

 

I'm going to cut to the chase, what have you seen her do (actions) that would lead you to believe that there is any chance of reconciliation?

 

Please keep us updated. I'm very interested on your opinions in about 4-6 weeks. I dont mean to be a buzzkill, but I would bet anything youre going to see where we are all coming from, and probably sound a lot like me in a couple months. Its not that Im wishing you ill will, jaded, etc...but honestly, I like to think Im realistic. Only time will tell, and I wish you the best, but I think you'll understand where Im coming from a little better one day soon.

 

 

agree 110%, when i first signed up here I was always in second chances forum, reading every thread, seeing how I could get back my ex, seeing what could i do etc., now I barely check this forum, as time goes on with NC, you work on yourself. At first I kept breaking NC because I didn't want my ex to think I was over her and moving on, now ditto I don't care what she thinks. She has a new bf etc., no way I'm sitting in the back doing nothing depending on someone else.

[4by4]

Everything been said is so true.

 

The more you try and stay in their lives the more it reminds them of why you were dumped in the first place. By actually walking away, it makes them reflect on the past and miss your good qualities.

 

Call me proud but I will NEVER initiate anymore contact with my ex. In fact, I told her I wanted nothing to do with her even though she really wanted to remain good friends. Fact of the matter is why should I chase a girl who clearly doesn't feel for me as strongly as she once did?

 

As things stand, the longer I maintain NC the easier it is to accept reality. I know soon enough I will not even care if I ever see her/talk to her again. Funny thing is often it's when you have completely moved on that they realise what a good thing you had together. Well too damn late!

[moonmoon]

heres what I HAVENT done that I think almost everyone in here HAS done to their dumpers:

 

Initiated Contact

Promised to Change or that I have changed

Chase her

Miss out on opportunities to meet/get with new chicks.

 

actually as bizarre as it sounds I have managed to get with some of the hottest girls since I have been single. Ironically i think its because I could care less because I get absolutely no happiness from it.

 

the sad truth is that there was barely any bad to the relationship. I think even now SHE would attest to that. I know if it takes months for her to come back, I would still be up for it in a heartbeat.

 

I am getting back to the point where I am caring about myself again. But for me, unlike 95 percent of the people in here, this doesnt mean I have to warp my memory of her or opinion of who she is, or treat contact with her like the plague.

 

I feel like by not communicating with her, I am allowing my mind to run wild about the situation and I think that is why NC is harmful.

 

There are other situations where it applies, and there are plenty of breakups in my life I think I would have been better served by using it

[madgun68]

Moonmoon,

 

I think you should try setting up something casual and have a good talk. You are not entirely sure if you two are either broken up or taking a break away from one another, and this is something that should be settled.

 

I am wondering, however, if you've taken any time to stop and really think about your actions leading up to this.

It is the fact that even when I was with her and I knew I was doing things that I didnt really want to do or think I should do, I did them and all the while they were building up to the point she couldnt take it.

and

These are two conversations in which I didnt act myself in the relationship and I think they are a large part of why she ended up breaking it.

Before you discount these situations, I would take some time and think about your past relationships to see if you haven't done this in the past.

 

People don't normally act against their nature (or as you put it, not acting yourself) without external stressors. Just going on what you've said, there don't seem to be any.. you're just trying to get what you want.

 

I know you're pressured by a time constraint, but if actions aren't taken to correct the reasons for how things got to this point, your reconciliation is likely to fail just as the relationship did initially.

[4by4]

Moonmoon, I'm not sure if I am feeding you false hope. Basically I just had a long convo with my ex.. didn't expect it.

 

As you remember, my situation is rather similar to yours. Ex wants a "break" but refuses to say how long and IF we'll ever date again. She still wants to be friends and have me in her life but not have to deal with the pressure of always compromising herself for the good of the relationship. Basically her answer to getting back together is "I don't know". I actually told her a week ago I wanted nothing to do with her anymore because she was so indecisive, but I'm not so sure after the conversation tonight.

 

Essentially she hasn't changed her thinking too dramatically, we are both not ready to try dating again right now. We also both acknowledged some faults from both parties and the things that didn't work in the relationship. It got heated a little bit sometimes but the latter half of the chat was frank and quite soothing, and I could hear her choking a little when I said I was sorry for not taking proper care of the relationship. I sensed she was really listening, and responding as she usually would after we have a big fight.

 

Anyhow, she ended confessing (although unwillingly) she still thought of me as more than friends, although that feeling just isn't quite enough right now for her to jump back into the relationship with me. She also said she misses the routines and having me around. Anyway, I think this is a good example of NC actually working. We have been on a break for just over 2 weeks and her attitude has already started to evolve a little bit.

 

We ended the convo agreeing to not set any expectations and just continue with our single lives until at least March next year. We would then catch up and see how the other person feels about this friendship/relationship thing. Once we were off the phone.

 

Personally, I feel like a lot of questions are still unanswered. And there is certainly not enough evidence to suggest we will definitely be back together. However the fact her answer changed from "I see us been friends" to "I don't know, we'll see" suggests a slight improvement.

 

I am not going to let this get to me though as I would hate to focus all my attention on her hoping we would try again. I will continue my NC at least until Xmas (might send her a holidays greeting message). I can use this time to continue healing and build my self confidence up. I want to continue building on the work I have been doing in the last 2 weeks, find the right balance in my life and keep myself happy without her. It will be interesting to see how we both feel when we do meet up again, I guess what I'm preparing for is emotional stability that allows me to want her rather than NEED her.

 

So yes, I'm gona be casual and just see where it takes us. I know she'll be open to been friends at the very least which is nice to know. Who really knows.. maybe we'll be completely over each other in 3 months, maybe we won't. Best thing is regardless of what happens, I don't need to stick around as a friend, I will continue with finding myself again and building up the support network even in the mean time.

 

One thing is certain, if we ever try again the feeling MUST be mutual. I'm not doing any chasing, if it happens naturally great, if not so be it.

[moonmoon]

Madgun, thank you very much for your response. I think you are the only person that recognizes the relevance of the fact that she used both the term "break" and "breakup".

Having a casual talk would be great, but the problem is that I think asking her to clarify will put pressure on her to say "breakup" which defeats my goal of being back with her.

 

You are also completely correct in the fact that in relationships in the past I have exhibited similar behaviors before (though much more extreme in the past). I know that if we got back together right now I could consciously correct them in the short term but I dont know if my ego or pride would maintain that in the long term.

 

I do know that for the best relationship in the long term, I should correct those things, even if it is with another girl, but I am not sure I am there yet.

 

It would be nice to able to be friends with her. I was the first one to suggest that we still hang out and do stuff, when we broke up.

[moonmoon]

4by4 thats great! Even though Id rather be with her than not, it hurts to spend so much of the day hoping and then feeling defeated, and cycling through self-doubt and all of this sh*t.

I am really curious as to whether she called you or you called her?

 

If you want her back, which I think you do, I think you have set up a great environment in which you two can meet each other half way.

I know you probably still feel strung on a little bit right now, but dont get cocky and think you can push her now that you are in contact again.

 

One issue Ive got that I think got brushed off by a lot of members like BCCA earlier in responding to my posts, is the fact that it is truly her nature, unlike any other girl ive known, to rarely initiate contact. Even when we were at our deepest, most connected stages of the relationship, Im not sure if she ever called, other than times when it was for particular reason (letting me know she just finished doing X and was ready to go do Y with me)

 

Plenty of people have been saying "neither hell nor high water will stop them from finding you if they desire to" but I think this is less true for women than men, and for her than the average woman, she is probably 1 in 1000 in that characteristic of hers.

 

I am probably needier for contact, than 3 out of 4 guys so that has made this harder - it just occurred to me that it is still two days short of two weeks of NC.

[CaliGuy]

Moonmoon,

 

Do what you've got to do to satisfy your curiosity. Thousands of people who have posted here on LS can attest to the fact that if someone wants to be with you, they will find you. I know you think it's in her nature to rarely contact you and you feel that you need to do the chasing. So be it.

 

I would respond by saying if she rarely initiated contact, odds are she just wasn't into you as much as you think she was. And in this case, I think her breaking things off is a pretty good indicator of such. People who desire you deeply want to be with you. They don't dump you. They call. They email. They want to hang out.

 

While true, you may have a rare case I honestly believe she just isn't as "into" you as you think she is. And the proof, my friend, is that you are a dumpee.

 

If you really want to be with her, your best bet is to stick to NC and give her the gift of missing you. Her heart has to change on it's own and the more you chase her, in any fashion, the more likely she is to run away from you.

 

Cheers.

[moonmoon]

deaf ears. Ive heard what your band of NC-thumpers has to say and if anything it has made my pain worse the past 2 weeks. If I am wrong I will gladly come back here and post such.

I appreciate and have heard you and BCCA and others of your mindframe out but at this point its wasted effort. Ive got issues that people who are listening to me can address but I feel like I have to retype my post now so that people skipping to the end wont miss my questions.

Her friends would tell me when we first started how much she liked me but how cautious she is and as I got to understand her better I saw that is the way she is and has always been with guys

Thank you though, I truly mean it.

[BCCA]

Why ask for advice when you have all the answers? If you dont want to listen, dont ask questions.

 

Sorry I wasnt able to tell you what you wanted to hear, but I in no way 'brushed you off'. I took the time to read your posts and wrote out my responses. I dont have a pre-typed "NC" response I just keep re-posting.

 

Please keep us updated. I hope this turns out good for you.

[moonmoon]

BCCA, I just want to say I appreciate your input and have taken it to heart. You have taken a lot of time to post on my thread and certainly havent brushed it off. I will be the first to admit you have said some things that are true and that some of these have hurt to accept.

I dont want to piss on the fact that you have certainly given my issue attention. I want to emphasize the fact that this NC has given me a hell of a lot of pain for a technique that is supposed to quell it.

 

Contrary to what you and caliguy have said, there have been plenty of posters who have come in here and actually looked at the aspects of my situation and are doing more than just telling me what they think I dont want to hear.

 

Actually noone has said the obvious thing I want to hear (she wants to/will/is going to get back with you. / heres a magic formula... etc)

 

What Im saying is I know I wont be much closer to resolution until conversation with her again. What posters like 4by4 and madgun have done is help me start equipping myself with knowledge of myself, herself, and our situation to be able to handle that contact that I need and ready myself for it.

I understand if you feel that it would be wrong and unfair to approve of anything besides NC because you truly believe that is only a path to more pain for me. And I respect and appreciate that.

 

However, there are people in here whose different mindsets allow them to comment on deeper aspects of my situation and our relationship and those are the ideas that im trying to tap now.

 

Edit- didnt mean to put that smilie on my post and another fallacy to the idea that NC makes them do the chasing is my belief that women naturally prefer to be the chasee