How to win her back, atypical situation

[WiseOne1]

Awwwww MoonMoon, your belief reminds me of a old me, I remember when I first came to NC, I always had a plan to get my old old old old ex back, which was like 5 years ago.

 

You remind me of a younger wiseone on LS, with that type of dedication you might win her back.

[CaliGuy]

deaf ears. Ive heard what your band of NC-thumpers has to say and if anything it has made my pain worse the past 2 weeks. If I am wrong I will gladly come back here and post such.

I appreciate and have heard you and BCCA and others of your mindframe out but at this point its wasted effort. Ive got issues that people who are listening to me can address but I feel like I have to retype my post now so that people skipping to the end wont miss my questions.

Her friends would tell me when we first started how much she liked me but how cautious she is and as I got to understand her better I saw that is the way she is and has always been with guys

Thank you though, I truly mean it.

 

Well if you already know what you need to do and only want to consider the kind of advice you "want" to hear, then why post? Do what you have to do to satisfy whatever it is that you need to do.

 

Amigo, I've been in your shoes. I had to learn the hard way, but rest assured nobody here from LS giving you advice wishes you any harm. Everyone here is trying to, to some degree or another, save you from some of the pain we have experienced. Sometimes I think it's better if you go your own way and do what you need to do. Sometimes it takes feeling the pain ourselves to believe…

 

Cheers

[CaliGuy]

Contrary to what you and caliguy have said, there have been plenty of posters who have come in here and actually looked at the aspects of my situation and are doing more than just telling me what they think I dont want to hear.

 

I did read what you had to say. The thing about most breakups is that they tend to follow a pattern and the worst thing you can do right now is chase her hardcore.

 

Actually noone has said the obvious thing I want to hear (she wants to/will/is going to get back with you. / heres a magic formula... etc)

 

There is no magic formula for getting someone back. Just one for healing. As I said before, do what you need to do. I fully support that. There's nothing worse than regret.

[WiseOne1]

Yea so far theres not even any good steps to take getting your ex back, it has to be 100% there decision, you cant even persuade them.

[BCCA]

I agree that there is nothing worse than regret, and like my dad always said, nothing ventured - nothing gained. It's always going to be a risk to involve yourself with someone else. And no one can understand how you feel but you.

 

I have, however, been in situations that sound pretty close to what youre going through, and my advice is based purely off of that experience. I seriously wish that I could give everyone here advice to get back together with their ex and be happy forever, I really do. I wish I could even tell people I see these things work out all the time.

 

I didnt mean to upset you or anything, and I truly wish everything works out for you. But please, either way, please keep us updated. This forum is like a case study, and I like to stay up to date on how everyone is doing and what happened with their SO.

[porter218]

Moon, I think that you should hold off on the random hook-ups. If you truly beleive that you may win her back then be careful about how you conduct yourself right now. If she was a virgin when she started dating you then she may not recover from finding out how easily you gave it away during the break-up. Or even if she does get over it the relationship may be forever poisoned by it.

[BCCA]

Moon, I think that you should hold off on the random hook-ups. If you truly beleive that you may win her back then be careful about how you conduct yourself right now. If she was a virgin when she started dating you then she may not recover from finding out how easily you gave it away during the break-up. Or even if she does get over it the relationship may be forever poisoned by it.

 

I have to disagree here. Why hold back on having fun and living your life for someone who may never come back? She broke up with you, its not your fault that youre now single. Every action causes a reaction; she breaks up with you, youre single and can/should act accordingly.

 

Also, I dont think you should get your hopes up too high, and holding back just in case she decides to come back would be doing just that.

[porter218]

I have to disagree here. Why hold back on having fun and living your life for someone who may never come back? She broke up with you, its not your fault that youre now single. Every action causes a reaction; she breaks up with you, youre single and can/should act accordingly.

 

Also, I dont think you should get your hopes up too high, and holding back just in case she decides to come back would be doing just that.

Not saying she would have the right to get upset about it. We all know that how we should react and how we do react are 2 different things. Just look at all the posters posting about how they are upset that they took someone back only to find out that they had sex with someone immediately after the break up. Not suggesting stop his life forever just a few weeks...what could that hurt.

[BCCA]

Not saying she would have the right to get upset about it. We all know that how we should react and how we do react are 2 different things. Just look at all the posters posting about how they are upset that they took someone back only to find out that they had sex with someone immediately after the break up. Not suggesting stop his life forever just a few weeks...what could that hurt.

 

I dont disagree with you entirely, a couple weeks couldnt hurt. Its just that a couple weeks turn into a month, etc...and then you realize its been 6 months of avoiding the opposite sex, and its gotten you nowhere. Thats all I wanted to avoid.

[EmperorR]

I agree that there is nothing worse than regret, and like my dad always said, nothing ventured - nothing gained. It's always going to be a risk to involve yourself with someone else. And no one can understand how you feel but you.

 

I have, however, been in situations that sound pretty close to what youre going through, and my advice is based purely off of that experience. I seriously wish that I could give everyone here advice to get back together with their ex and be happy forever, I really do. I wish I could even tell people I see these things work out all the time.

 

I didnt mean to upset you or anything, and I truly wish everything works out for you. But please, either way, please keep us updated. This forum is like a case study, and I like to stay up to date on how everyone is doing and what happened with their SO.

 

 

Basically the reason why so much people on here preach NC, its not to get your EX back but to heal yourself.

 

NO MATTER what you do you won't change your ex mind. Why should you wait, feel crappy every single day clinging to hope etc. when your ex is out there dating not even thinking of you etc.

 

If you want to do that then fine, all we do is offer advice, no on can tell you what to do but yourself. I've been there man, thinking what do these people know, my relationship is special we have this special connection bond, this girl is amazing a one in a billion type girl who was sent from God just for me. My relationship is different its not like anyone's here, I've been there didn't listen and had to learn from my own mistakes and it set me back.

 

Best of luck

[Oscar51]

Listen Man...This is a clear case of you NOT hearing what we have to say. You won't because it hasn't even been a month yet. You aren't hearing us because we aren't telling you what you want to hear.

 

Trust me man. I'm 3 months in my break-up and each day does get easier. Sometimes it hurts, real bad. I won't bull**** you, some days are still unbearable. But the weeks upon weeks of pain slowly dissapear. It took me about 1 1/2 months for that to happen but eventually you say to yourself, "Why am I pining for a person who doesn't want me?" What's the point? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

 

Do what you want. You are single now. She set you free man. YOU'RE MONEY and you don't even know it. The best thing you can do is go no contact and go out and meet girls. Ironically the best shot you have at getting her back is doing nothing. Why? Because she is expecting you to beg and plead, and when you don't she'll start wondering what you're up too. She may not. That's another part of the no contact thing. Either way you either move on (Good Thing) or she comes back (Good or Bad, whichever you want)

 

And the part of "Neither hell nor high water will stop them." He's right, she just wasn't that into you. Ever had a girl you just aren't that in too? I guarantee you never called her as much as she did you. It's just the facts man, the sooner you wake up, the better off you will be. It doesn't matter what she told you in the past, how great things were. Things are BAD now, it's how you handle the situation you're given. Are you going to handle it like a girl? Or handle it like a MAN and make her chase you.

 

Good Luck...I hope this helps and that you get what you want.

[porter218]

I dont disagree with you entirely, a couple weeks couldnt hurt. Its just that a couple weeks turn into a month, etc...and then you realize its been 6 months of avoiding the opposite sex, and its gotten you nowhere. Thats all I wanted to avoid.

LOL.. Trust me you don't have to worry about that with moonmoon. I know him well enough to say he would/could never do that.

[moonmoon]

He's right, she just wasn't that into you. Ever had a girl you just aren't that in too? I guarantee you never called her as much as she did you.

 

I know thats generally true, its the specifics of her character that convince me otherwise. For starters do you know many girls that wait till they are most of the way through college to give their virginity to a guy they arent that into? When I started seeing her, her friends would always catch me for quick discrete conversations to tell me how much she liked me, and just be patient and give it a lot of time because of how guarded she is against guys.

TBH she called me a decent amount when we were together I was just trying to emphasize a characteristic of hers I feel pertains to the 'when to break NC situation'

[porter218]

she is against guys.

...hmmm. LOL I was going to take that somewhere else but I decided not to.

 

Maybe you demanded a lot from her...maybe a little too much. Perhaps that last conversation brought that to head and she just bailed. Also telling her you love her but aren't in love with her will make someone like her clam up. I know you were probably fishing for an "i love you" but personally that would just make me run for the hills and never admit the extent of my feelings.

[moonmoon]

NO MATTER what you do you won't change your ex mind.

 

Actually I have personal experience that contradicts this with a serious gf of mine that I won back many years ago, the error was in that the second she came back, I became hateful of the fact she broke up with me and controlling etc. all over again.

 

LOL.. Trust me you don't have to worry about that with moonmoon. I know him well enough to say he would/could never do that.

 

yeah although its like the only way I try to ease the pain, I feel like it gets me no where. It makes the pain of the lost one all the more real to me.

and honestly if I could give any specific reason for why I am hooking up, it would be because I figure the jealousy or alpha male scenario might help me just a single iota because ive seen that recommended online. I would greatly prefer if my actual business doesnt get around but I figure it couldnt possibly hurt to have cute girls fawning to me when I run into a friend of hers at the bar or something, per se.

 

I looked at hundreds of beautiful girls at the coffee shop while I studied today and I just thought to myself, I absolutely cant be happy with any single one of them.

[porter218]

I looked at hundreds of beautiful girls at the coffee shop while I studied today and I just thought to myself, I absolutely cant be happy with any single one of them.

Then you are not in the right place emotionally to be trying anything with them. Don't jump into bed with someone unless you are over the last one...It's really a simple rule..I don't know why so many people forget it.

[moonmoon]

man porter reading your posts I keep thinking maybe this person knows me but isnt letting on .

 

I know I demanded too much from her and thats why this is so hard.

It came to a head and she bailed.

 

I feel like the best shot I have is just finding her face to face and telling her I know that I pushed and I should of let her have space. This is also what every "win your ex back" website tells you NOT to do.

 

I think ive had enough reflection to make that change a permanent one too.

 

Maybe since she has absolutely no experience this is the big explosive move that it would take. Like wow I never thought a guy would ever feel this way about me, and here he is

[porter218]

I know I demanded too much from her and thats why this is so hard.

It came to a head and she bailed.

 

I feel like the best shot I have is just finding her face to face and telling her I know that I pushed and I should of let her have space. This is also what every "win your ex back" website tells you NOT to do.

 

You will have to let her initiate that convo first then you explain how you will calm down. Don't put the cart before the horse.

 

man porter reading your posts I keep thinking maybe this person knows me but isnt letting on .

[WiseOne1]

Actually I have personal experience that contradicts this with a serious gf of mine that I won back many years ago, the error was in that the second she came back, I became hateful of the fact she broke up with me and controlling etc. all over again.

 

This is 100% correct, and my theory is that this causes alot of people never to get back together, or this messes up alot of 2nd chances.

 

Alot times ex's cant get over what we said during the breakup, that can cause you not to reconile, or alot of times if you go get back together, whatever they did to you, or why you were broken up can resurface and cause issues.

 

Im actually going thru this with my current ex, she keep telling me everytime she trys to get close I push away, and it's all because of the past and me having issues letting it do.

 

So thats another reason alot of people on LS preach NC. Because it ends up failing anyway.

[DarkFlame1979]

Ask yourself this question, would you want to take someone back/MAKEthem take you back who tore your heart apart by convincing them that you are meant to be" At the end of the day THEY can only MAKE the decision to get back with YOU, because otherwise if she agrees its because of YOUR persistence, then she is essentially GIVING IN to YOU and NOT coming back for HER reason but YOURS.

 

Now MOONMOON as you know I am currently raw and heartbroken too but someone gave me the above advice just the other day and I beleive it to be true!(it makes a hell of a lot of sense)

 

You may win the battle with this approach but you will not win the war....

 

my2ents worth anyway!

[FF84]

I know thats generally true, its the specifics of her character that convince me otherwise. For starters do you know many girls that wait till they are most of the way through college to give their virginity to a guy they arent that into? When I started seeing her, her friends would always catch me for quick discrete conversations to tell me how much she liked me, and just be patient and give it a lot of time because of how guarded she is against guys.

TBH she called me a decent amount when we were together I was just trying to emphasize a characteristic of hers I feel pertains to the 'when to break NC situation'

 

All these things relate to the PAST. People change. People can say they love someone then it a months time the feeling has gone. People change, life changes, you have to roll with it sometimes...

[BCCA]

Moonmoon,

 

Obviously, at one time, she WAS into you. Otherwise, you wouldnt have gotten much more than a hug. However, that was then, this is now. She also WAS in a relationship with you, and now is not. You said she used to call you a decent amount of the time, and now she isn't. See what I'm getting at? She does not value you or the relationship the same way. Things have changed.

 

I've tried to give you advice that would help, but you seem hell bent on ignoring anything that isnt a post about what to do to make her come back. You've already decided that you know everything that went wrong, and all you have to do is make a few changes and you'll be back in business.

 

Do yourself a favor...read over jmmm's post from September 2. (getting them back/closure/pride/nc) She's still in the same spot she was 3 months ago, because she was holding onto something that wasnt there. Just dont let that happen to you.

[samspade]

Yet another broken-hearted poster looking for "advice" but refusing to take it, because his situation and/or ex is unique and not like all the others.

 

moonmoon, you are lucky everyone here is so patient with you when you refuse to listen to their advice. Because, personally, I think you need a proverbial smack upside the head.

 

Just because your ex saved her virginity for you and skewed older than the national average as a virgin does not mean she was custom-built by heavenly angels for your needs and desires. Just because she treated you like a king while you were together does not mean her feelings are the same while you're apart. Just because you were and are in love with her does not mean she is not human, and won't respond as predictably as 99% of all other humans on this planet in similar situations if you chase after her.

 

And just because she used the word "break" instead of "breakup" does not mean she was parsing words in hopes of leaving some tiny opening for you to act like a complete douchebag and try to "win" her back!

 

Let me tell you something: Your ex is human. She is not an angel. She's entitled to want to break up with you if that's the way she feels. She's entitled to want to try some other guy's c*ck inside her instead of yours. And if you break NC and chase her, she'll feel entitled (more than entitled) to abuse you and lose respect for you, since you seem to have lost it for yourself.

 

I feel like the best shot I have is just finding her face to face and telling her I know that I pushed and I should of let her have space. This is also what every "win your ex back" website tells you NOT to do.

 

Why, on Earth, would you think this would be your best shot? Do you live on the Bizarro planet?

 

Maybe since she has absolutely no experience this is the big explosive move that it would take. Like wow I never thought a guy would ever feel this way about me, and here he is

 

Oh, okay. You don't live on the Bizarro planet. You live in a bad John Cusack movie.

 

Stop making excuses for this girl. If she wanted to be with you, she'd come looking for you. You're broken-hearted, and you need to give yourself time and space to get over her. That means without contact. You slept with someone else, and it didn't help...that's natural, because you're still sad. It takes time, dude. You think that the relationship ended purely because of your faults/mistakes. This is classic rationlizing by the dumped..."I was such a bad boy, I didn't treat her right, I wasn't there for her...she was terrified I'd break her heart and leave her...THAT'S why she left!" Wrong!! She's capable of having her own reasons. She's capable of being bored with you after so long. She's capable of wanting another man's d!ick. Give her a little credit as a human being, for God's sake. She is flesh and blood. Her world doesn't revolve around you any more. Move on.

[moonmoon]

alright with all due respect samspade you have clearly not read 95% of this thread and thats what I was trying to get at with some of the criticisms of redundant advice I was getting.

 

This is classic rationlizing by the dumped..."I was such a bad boy, I didn't treat her right, I wasn't there for her...she was terrified I'd break her heart and leave her...

 

I have mentioned in this thread already that I treated her great and she treated me great. And this is what Im saying, if you are going to treat me like some laughable, textbook dumpee than just get the heck off my thread.

 

I have been positive and appreciative of every single member who has come in here and I am not really sure you even deserve that. You are coming off as pretty mysogynist and I dont think that hating women is healthy way for me to react to any of this. Of course women are human and like to have sex, of course I dont look forward to that possibility but our relationship was about so much more than that - if screwing around is all it would take for her to come back then I invite it.

 

Yet another broken-hearted poster looking for "advice" but refusing to take it, because his situation and/or ex is unique and not like all the others.

Actually I have listened and followed a ****load of advice in here, not only without exception to, but with special emphasis on, stuff that BCCA has said, whom you are probably trying to claim I am ignoring.

 

Of course people have to come back, you cant "win them back" so I know that is a bad term. But for them to even be able to come back you have to present them with more than a brick wall, if you truly think the relationship has potential or is worth it.

 

the NC I still am highly unsure of whether I agree with, but FWIW I havent broken it. I think there is a difference between ending NC and chasing that alot of people dont understand -optimists- or dont think exists -pessimists-

[BCCA]

Ok, everyone relax...

 

There is no reason to get upset. Advice is just that, advice...take it or leave it. I have no vested interest in wether anyone listens to me or completely ignores me. I would like to think that people at least listen, but I cant hold it against anyone if they dont follow my advice or dont think it pertains to them. To each their own, and you have to live life without regrets.

 

What I think Sam was trying to get at was that a lot of people come here with the same attitude initially, but as time goes on, they tend to see where most of us were coming from. In time, most people that are here for a few months kind of end up saying the same thing. There is a reason for it.

 

When youre in a relationship, you tend to look at yours as being unique from everyone else. Yet, the reality is that in a lot of ways, the similarities are hard to ignore. I've personally seen people's ex's say the EXACT same thing to them that mind did to me. Does that mean that we're all the same people? Of course not, but there is a reason why psycholigists get paid big bucks to help people with emotional distress - human thought processes tend to follow the same patterns and have the same causes.

 

Does that mean NC is the ONLY way to go? Of course not. But what it will do is ensure that youre on the path to recovery ASAP. I think some people confuse NC with telling her ex off, when in reality, its more just stopping what YOU are doing. If you dont contact your ex, and they dont contact you, what does that tell you? Neither one of you are all that interested in talking to the other. You dont have to put up a brick wall, and tell them to stay out of your life forever, but you shouldn't be trying to contact someone who isnt putting forth the same effort, and forcing yourself into someone's life is probably the most counterproductive thing to do.

 

With that said, all I was ever trying to say is that I (personally) believe that the best way to get over this, even if you get back together, is to wait until she contacts you and wants to talk. NC is like standing on your own two feet, and letting your ex know youre strong enough to go on without her. And seriously, what other choice do you have?

 

My last little bit of advice: let the past be the past. Whatever happened 6 weeks or 6 months ago is history, irrelevant. We all know now she gave up her virginity to you, as thousands of college girls do every year. That doesnt mean shes now your property or that you have some control over her. Just let all that go and think about things with a clear head.

 

I really wish you the best.