How to win her back, atypical situation

[samspade]

It's hard to explain, but sometimes men do that to women they're really into. There's this mixture of passion and frustration. "You're what I want, but I'm frustrated by these things you do. The way you're not quite perfect for me." And the more the man wants the woman, the more frustrated he seems to be by the ways in which she doesn't quite tick the boxes. But because he's crazy about her, he just knows that there must be some formula for making everything okay. "Helping" her to become the kind of woman who thinks, talks and behaves exactly as he wants his perfect woman to think, talk and behave. She is, after all, so close to being there already.

 

Moonmoon - I just don't see that there's some fantastic technique that's patiently waiting for you to hit on it so that it can help you win this girl back. Make her more decisive about what she wants - and make you what she wants. She's a young girl who lost her virginity pretty recently. Difficult as it might be to hear, there's every chance that she doesn't want you to be the only guy she's ever going to sleep with.

 

And if the fact that she was a virgin is part of the reason you have her up on this pedestal now...well, if she's feeling curious about what it would be like to have sex with other guys out there (and as a fairly recently deflowered virgin, she may well be) then the knowledge that you value her sexual inexperience so highly might be making her feel almost fraudulent. It might be that you've placed far too high a value on something about her (her recent virginity) that she herself really doesn't feel is put-me-on-a-pedestal-worthy.

 

This is very well-written, Taramere. I think I had been trying to say something like that, but I was going for some shock value early on to shake moonmoon out of his stupor and only wound up pissing him off. A lot of men delude themselves into thinking their girlfriends crank up the sexuality for them and them alone. It's anathema for them to accept that their GF might have had wild prior experiences, or want to continue having them with other men down the road. Women walk a fine line in this regard and probably share a small fraction of their histories and desires with the men they date as a result.

 

This is why I prefer to accept these terms rather than delude myself. I'd rather believe a woman is flesh and bones like me than some heavenly angel, and respect her as such. Unfortunately, when I share my opinons on the matter, I get attacked as a woman-hater, or cynical, which I am not at all. I've had a lot of great relationships, long or brief, with women, and most have ended with very little heartache, and I think it's because I've been mature about it and the women I know respect that. I digress...

 

And yes, over-valuing her virginity (and his deflowering of her) probably made her extremely uncomfortable. Well said! I wish I could have been that articulate. It's refreshing to hear another reasonable voice around here, Taramere.

[mcson]

I'm in a different spot than you now. I finally reached the point where I just don't give a damn anymore. I've spent the past 4 months worrying about this person, when it's obvious they don't give a ****.

 

It feels amazing to not care. It really does. I got here from strict no contact. It is the only way. However, somehow a radar will go off in her head telling her that I've finally moved on. I can almost guarantee I will be hearing from her soon. Because somehow they know not to come back until you've really moved on.

 

My rules on NC. YOU NEVER CONTACT HER, EVER. I don't care if a relative died in your family, etc. YOU NEVER MAKE ANY EFFORT TO CONTACT HER. SHE DUMPED YOU REMEMBER? SHE made the decision that you just weren't good enough to be her boyfriend. So you want to be with this person because???

 

IF she contacts you: Unless it's to say MCSON I MISS YOU I WANT YOU BACK LET'S WORK THIS OUT, then she's not telling you anything you want to hear. When she texts you with those "How are you? and What are you doing?" She is trying to see if she can still have you. And every time you reply with Great, going clubbin, etc etc. She knows that she can have her cake and eat it too.

 

Let me ask you. How do you feel after you respond to her and you don't really get anything out of it? It sets you back to square one doesn't it? Personally if I were you, if she's not wanting to get back together, I wouldn't respond to her at all. And if she asks you why you are staying distant you say straight up, "You broke up with me, I'm trying to move on and you aren't making it very easy."

 

Take your power back and let her know that you won't be available forever. The more you let her toy with you, the more power she has. Trust me, once a new guy comes into her life, you will never hear from her again.

 

Dear Oscar51,

 

I really appreciate you take time to wirte in here.

 

I would be really happy to react to the spot where you stay now.However, a months passed sþnce the break-up, I am still missing her and thinking about her so much.

 

Anyway in my case really she asked for time which I took for break up. She said she was confused, she really needed to go for a vacation to Italy and she asked for time. Tha obviously sounded me like a break up...So as she asked for time I am really not contacting her and waiting for her to make up her mind. She m,ght be really confused though as she texted before she went for a vacation '' All will be ok after Italy, we will meet and talk,you are sýý dare to me!!

 

ANyway, I really take your advice not to contact her unless she comes and says thats she wants me back. On the other hand, she may try to reach me in order to tell me how she thinks and how time made her make up her mind..so in order to let her telll me about her final feelings..I think I have to somehow give her a chance to talk to me...and tell what she thinks and how she thinks.

 

I think if she contacts me again I will say something ike this ; ''You asked for time, you broke up with me, if you really feel ok to talk about your feelings and if you ever ready for a commited relationship again, I would be glad to listen. You basically broke up with me so I am trying to move on and you are not making it easy unless you honestly tell me about your feelings''

 

or something like that..basically I want her to know that I am moving on and I want from her a commitment...if not...Goodbye...

 

That is the main idea I want her to know

 

What do you think my friend?

 

If you still think that complete NC also applies to me situation...I would go for it

 

Thank you

[Taramere]

This is why I prefer to accept these terms rather than delude myself. I'd rather believe a woman is flesh and bones like me than some heavenly angel, and respect her as such. Unfortunately, when I share my opinons on the matter, I get attacked as a woman-hater, or cynical, which I am not at all.

 

Has that been happening on here? I don't see any misogyny in what you're saying. I think people sometimes get caught up in gender warfare on message boards to the extent that any self respect, or refusal to idealise, that a person might demonstrate gets perceived faultily as man/woman-hating.

 

And I agree that it's wearing. I'm sure it comes from a position of black and white thinking where the person who sees the world in those simplistic terms can't believe others don't.

[Oscar51]

You know what Mcson. I say you tell her that. If she doesn't respond, well then you can officially move on. That way you know you tried everything you could to keep that relationship in tact.

 

Do what you have to do. Just be careful in it, so that you don't have any regrets.

[mcson]

You know what Mcson. I say you tell her that. If she doesn't respond, well then you can officially move on. That way you know you tried everything you could to keep that relationship in tact.

 

Do what you have to do. Just be careful in it, so that you don't have any regrets.

 

Oscar51,

 

You are right...I should not regret afterwards. SO I really have to do what I want to do...

 

If she contacts me I will tell exactly like that...

 

I will let you guys know how it goes

 

Wish me good luck please

 

Thank you all

[Oscar51]

Again. THINK this through before you take any actions. Make sure this is what you think is right. In my experiences, your actions speak louder than words ever will.

[mcson]

Again. THINK this through before you take any actions. Make sure this is what you think is right. In my experiences, your actions speak louder than words ever will.

Dear Oscar51,

 

I have been reading through this forum since I broke up with my ex. Mainly the idea is ''NO CONTACT''. However, as it is human nature, this rule doe s not work in all cases. I have seen many posts, people applied NC but failed..WHy? Because mostly their ex lost feeling so if that is the case NC does not even work. Whereas, it still helps somehow to heal and treat ourselves.

 

In my case, I am already applying NC but in order to have no REgret for my actions in the future, I need to know if she really doe snot love me anymore. She asked for space and she said she had to realise what she has and what she can loose. So obviously I took it as a break-up notice!

 

She is back from vacation and I think she must have been decided already, if she wants something or even what she wants?? Still, I am not going to break NC..i will wait her to contact me and then I will tell her

 

'' I gave you the time and space you asked for, I would be now glad to listen if you have cleared up your mind and if you are ready for a committed relationship, if not, I have already been emotionally broken so I am trying to moving on, it is not because I hate you or I am mad at you, I have to do this for my sanity''

 

and that is it...obviously...I am not going to contact her unless she contacts me...

 

She asked for space!! She asked for time!!

She said she was confused...

So I think she needs to contact!!

 

What do you think my friend??

 

I am really suffering so much...it is a great sorrow

[mcson]

You know what makes the situation even more desperate; the way she behaves or seems careless!!

 

She seems soo careless after our 2 years of wonderful relationship...

 

May be she is not careless...but that is how it looks for now...

 

Probably she still thinks that she can get me back whenever she wants..there is the clue! I have to break that thought of her! She should think that I am moving on and it is not really easy for her to fix what she did!!

 

I think NC will enable her to think that way!!

 

What do you think guys?

[Oscar51]

Mcson, often times more than not, a partner will say let's take a break, and really mean "I want to break up with you and this will be an easy way to do so.". After the "break" they will probably not come back.

 

I would tell her this IF she contacts you. You lay down the law on her ass. You may be a man, but you still have feelings and emotions, which she seems to toy with. Remember, don't be a doormat, stand up for yourself.

[mcson]

Mcson, often times more than not, a partner will say let's take a break, and really mean "I want to break up with you and this will be an easy way to do so.". After the "break" they will probably not come back.

 

I would tell her this IF she contacts you. You lay down the law on her ass. You may be a man, but you still have feelings and emotions, which she seems to toy with. Remember, don't be a doormat, stand up for yourself.

 

Dear Oscar51,

 

I agree with your statement. In her terms ''break'' means ''break-up'' probably.

 

Yes exactly my friend, women really forget thet men also have feelings. We are ment to be strong but that does not change the fact that we are also human beings. Anyway, I will really do my best to stand up for myself and not to be a doormat. I will do that for myself! Nothing for her anymore!!

 

I hope she contacts...because I do not wanna keep the things inside of me which I really want to say to her...and I know that will save me and my health...That will stop any further regrets I may feel....

 

I hope she contacts.....

 

Thank you for your support my friend....

[samspade]

I hope she contacts...because I do not wanna keep the things inside of me which I really want to say to her...and I know that will save me and my health...That will stop any further regrets I may feel....

 

I hope she contacts.....

 

You are making progress, but you need to abandon hope and replace it with "I don't give a sh*t if she contacts me or not. I have moved on and I don't need to talk to her any more."

 

You can do it.

[mcson]

You are making progress, but you need to abandon hope and replace it with "I don't give a sh*t if she contacts me or not. I have moved on and I don't need to talk to her any more."

 

You can do it.

 

Dear Samspade,

 

Thank you for your sound advice. However, I am not able to say I do not give a **** when I think that I will regret if I do not tell her what I fell.

 

My friend today I have remembered that 2 weeks after our breakup and NC I wrote her a letter within which I said basically '' I agree with your decision to break up. I saw it coming for a while.

I am sorry that I was pushing on you and I behaved desperate, you must have felt really frustrated.

I think we both need some space right now. Love to fill you in but in the future...''

 

That was the letter I sent ...and now do you really think that the letter made her think that I am perfecly ok and I am moving on??

 

I really do not wanna give her false thoughts..thatswhy I feel that I have to tell her what I feel and the let it go...such as;

'Yes I gace you time and space, you know about my thoughts, I want to tale this relationshipo to an upper level where is commitment. I would be glad to listen to you if you have cleared your mind up. I am already having great emotional pain and I am focusing on myself. If you really have not made your mind up, I have to say that I am moving away and this is not because I hate you or I am mad at you, I am doing this for my sanity''

 

in other way, I will really regret..I know that..

 

I also know that she will not tell me good things...she will say '' I do not know, I do not feel''

 

So then I will enable mysel fto move on really...

 

I can even call her without waiting for her call

 

What do you think my friend? Please share your honest thoughts with me

 

Thank you for your support

[samspade]

Honestly?

 

I think your whole mentality toward this needs adjusting.

 

You are letting her call the shots and hitching your emotional well-being on whether she wants to be with you or not. And you're spelling it out for her. The subtext of what you want to say to her is, "I can't be happy without you, so please tell me if you will come back to me. Even though you have demonstrated through your actions that you do not want to be with me, I am offering you the chance to 1) crush my hopes again, or 2) take me back and have complete power over me as your supplicant, or 3) a combination of #2 followed by #1."

 

Now, you may be sad and heartbroken, and that is to be expected. But when you act on this in desperate and undignified ways, it is as repellent to your ex as if you covered yourself in rat feces. The only thing you will *regret* is acting like a complete and total wussbag and making yourself even more miserable.

 

Be sad on your own or with your guy friends. Just stop depending on her (or any woman) for you happiness.

[Oscar51]

Listen to Sam. I'm going on 4 months, and I'll be honest. I miss her every day. I pray that I may some day get another shot with her. BUT I know that probably won't happen. So I put on a happy face and I'm moving on, and I NEVER let anyone see me down. I save the "down" times for when I'm in the privacy of my room. I don't talk about it with anyone. When I think about it, I let the pain sink in, because I know it'll make me stronger for my next relationship. WHICH may be with her, OR NOT. I understand there is a chance that she is gone forever. I trust in God that he knows what is best for me. If it is in his plan for us to be together, one day things will work out. If not, I am 100% certain there will be another girl that will completely blow this one out of the water.

 

Trust me. It takes time. This will not happen over night. Like I said, it took me 4 months just to be able to say, "I don't care anymore. This pain isn't worth it." The only way I got here was by no contact. AND I MEAN NO CONTACT. Absolutely none. Zip, zero, NADA. Do you get my point?

 

Any effort you put towards getting your ex back will be seen by her as a desperate attempt. She will think that she can have you whenever she wants.

 

Only talk about the relationship if SHE brings it up. Trust me. She asked for this time and space. So YOU GIVE IT TO HER. It's that easy. It's ironic, but the best shot you have at getting her back is by NOT DOING ANYTHING. If she doesn't come back, then atleast you didn't waste any time and you know she isn't the one.

[mcson]

Dear Samspade and Oscar,

 

First of all, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support and advice. Thank youf or being there and writing.

 

To give you abit more info.,

 

I was planning to propose to her and when she got that I was becoming serious after 2 years, she just fell apart..so I just did not propose to her obviously...I know what she is doing is unaccaptable but on the other hand do you guys think that she might be playing a game for me to go on to propose? or She is just scared of marriage?

 

I still agree with your statements ''if she wants to come back, she would''

 

As I am not sure if she has really given up or testing me..I want to tell her what I want to say eventually then let her go...

 

Samspade,

 

YEs she will let me down once more...it will most probably happen...she may not come back...but you know I do not want to keep such feelings inside..I have to express somehow I wanted to propose to her..and believe me I am not going to do this because I want her back...I just want her to know and I will let her go!! I will do it for my sake, for my sanity!

I do not wanna keep it inside! Whatever then she thinks about me; desperate, needy, repellent..I would not care as I am not going to contact her ever!

 

I will just throw the balls to her side and let her think...thats it...any approach from her will not be responded by me unless she comes for another chance.

 

While that is happening on her side, I will be healing myself, moving on and improving mentally and physically.

 

Obviously, she may think the other way around and hate me and be mad at me...whatever...I will not give a sh.t anymore.

 

Do you guys think I should tell her that? and what she would then think?

 

Or I should keep that feeling inside until she contacts me

 

or if women do such things and go for a break up when they really need time and decide for marriage or to decide if he is the one ?

 

 

Please tell me about your thoughts...

 

Many thanks my friends

[samspade]

but on the other hand do you guys think that she might be playing a game for me to go on to propose?

 

No. Your logic is all over the place. If a woman was bent on getting married to a man, she wouldn't be playing games like this.

 

You seem to be in an awful hurry to get married. I've got nothing against marriage, but you're putting the cart before the horse. Don't you want to marry someone who wants to be with you? What good will telling her you were going to propose to her REALLY do for you? You'd get some kind of "closure"? Overrated. Make your own closure - stop pining and close the door on this one.

 

And, for future reference: Don't press stages of commitment with a girl. Becoming exclusive, moving in, marriage...Let her bring them up so she feels comfortable with the idea first. You should be easy going and happy regardless of your status. Like I said...the change you need goes beyond this one girl. And re-read Oscar's last post....he knows what he's talking about.

[mcson]

No. Your logic is all over the place. If a woman was bent on getting married to a man, she wouldn't be playing games like this.

 

You seem to be in an awful hurry to get married. I've got nothing against marriage, but you're putting the cart before the horse. Don't you want to marry someone who wants to be with you? What good will telling her you were going to propose to her REALLY do for you? You'd get some kind of "closure"? Overrated. Make your own closure - stop pining and close the door on this one.

 

And, for future reference: Don't press stages of commitment with a girl. Becoming exclusive, moving in, marriage...Let her bring them up so she feels comfortable with the idea first. You should be easy going and happy regardless of your status. Like I said...the change you need goes beyond this one girl. And re-read Oscar's last post....he knows what he's talking about.

 

Samspade,

 

Firstly, I am not ina hurry at all. It has been 2 years we are together and we really did it quite good in a way to marriage. It was not only me who wanted to be together. I always played it easy going and cool!!

 

However, when things started to get in to the reality, she fell apart...I did not really pressure on her! It is obvious that I want to get married with someone who want to be with me, so she was also keen on that idea eventhough I never gave a rise to the subject.

 

You may be right that I pressed the stages of commitment somehow and that was push. However, I never pushed her to decide for a marriage which I believe is a foolish thing to do, especially to some kind of women.

 

It seems that I'd better do my own closure really. Eventhough I did not put any pressure on her I agree with you that it should be women who should be bring up the subject.

 

I know I need to change somehow...like many of people over here who are left alone, dumped. We all need to change somehow...but I just do not like the ide of ''changing for a woman'', I can change for my self..for my sake but not because a woman asks me to do.

 

And yes I will change, for my own sanity...for the good-healthy-happy future

 

Thank you for your advice my friend

 

Keep posting plz

[Oscar51]

Let me get this straight. She caught wind that you were getting serious and she fell apart? The same thing happened to me. After a year together, she thought I was taking it to seriously and she got freaked out. So she got freaked out and you think telling her about a proposal will help the situation? If you want to send her running for the hills forever by all means do it.

 

I understand that desperate feeling you have right now Mcson, but you have to listen to your brain right now, not your heart. Life isn't a Hollywood movie that has a script written. This is real, the pain you feel is real and its being caused by this girl. DO NOT tell her you were going to propose. Sometimes things are just better left unsaid.

[mcson]

Let me get this straight. She caught wind that you were getting serious and she fell apart? The same thing happened to me. After a year together, she thought I was taking it to seriously and she got freaked out. So she got freaked out and you think telling her about a proposal will help the situation? If you want to send her running for the hills forever by all means do it.

 

I understand that desperate feeling you have right now Mcson, but you have to listen to your brain right now, not your heart. Life isn't a Hollywood movie that has a script written. This is real, the pain you feel is real and its being caused by this girl. DO NOT tell her you were going to propose. Sometimes things are just better left unsaid.

 

Dear Oscar51,

 

Exactly! You made a really good explanation of the situation! When she felt that I was getting serious, she just run apart.

 

My frriend, I just cannot have a better advice then yours right now. I need to realise what is really worth in real life.

 

I am not going to tell her mate!! It should be left unsaid!! I agree with you to the every extend. Thank you for making me realising the truth, both of you guys, Samspade and Ocar, I really appreciate what you are telling me here.

 

However, I feel that I still need to change for better. I will work on my self to improve. I hope this upcoming days and months will help me to get better fast.

 

Besides, love is love and it stays rigt her ein my heart but still it does not mean anything if she doe snot love me...and if she is not back for good..

I wnat someone who comes back for ''love'', I mean truly love. Basically, what is repeatedly said over here seems very true; '' if you love someone, Let her go, if she comes back, hold on to her forever...''

 

Love is painful sometimes but that is real life like you say Oscar...

 

I have to get over this pain myselfs...and I will

 

How is your sşituation going by the way?

[againstallodds]

mcson,

 

work to better yourself for you not for her. Also the next few months will be tough, it's like a rollercoaster. You'll get the urge to contact her. Try to resist all of them if you can and it'll make you feel better.

 

if you love someone, Let her go, if she comes back, hold on to her forever...'' The truth is mcson, it rarely works out if she ever come back, i think the success rate is only 5%. I had a few friends that got there ex back too but end up breaking up again. Move on and find someone better who want you as their best not second best. Right now you don't feel that way but you'll be ready soon. After 4 months of nc and 5 months breakup I feel like I am almost ready. You'll get there too.

 

Good luck.

[paperchase]

Professing your love works differently in different circumstances. If someone is afraid of committment and you tell them you were planning to propose then you will surely send them running. If someone is frustrated that the relationship is moving fast enough, telling them about plans to enhance the bond might help.

 

Whether you should raise marriage or moving in versus your mate is a tough question. Some women I've been with will hint, while others will want but not hint. I always was told that a closed mouth doesn't get fed, but still if you love a woman with a closed mouth you need to feed her.

 

I think my ex really wanted me to invite her to move in. At the time of our breakup her lease was ending (she never stayed there anyway) and she had no money and no hopes of a new place. But she had so much pride and she would never ask me for financial help. Right before I could propose we live together, she broke it off. I'm sure there were other reasons and this may not have even been one, but I wonder if it was a factor leading to her frustration with the relationship.

 

Hope this helps.

[mcson]

Professing your love works differently in different circumstances. If someone is afraid of committment and you tell them you were planning to propose then you will surely send them running. If someone is frustrated that the relationship is moving fast enough, telling them about plans to enhance the bond might help.

 

Whether you should raise marriage or moving in versus your mate is a tough question. Some women I've been with will hint, while others will want but not hint. I always was told that a closed mouth doesn't get fed, but still if you love a woman with a closed mouth you need to feed her.

 

I think my ex really wanted me to invite her to move in. At the time of our breakup her lease was ending (she never stayed there anyway) and she had no money and no hopes of a new place. But she had so much pride and she would never ask me for financial help. Right before I could propose we live together, she broke it off. I'm sure there were other reasons and this may not have even been one, but I wonder if it was a factor leading to her frustration with the relationship.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Dear Paperchase,

 

In my case I think, she is both scared of commitments and may be frustrated of my actions or that the relation is going fast. Therefore, I believe I have to find the most proper way to tell her about my feelings

 

It is really difficult to guess what women think sometimes. That makes it almost impossible to know if she will hint or not. Even if she is your long term GF or your wife. However, I agree with you saying ‘’ Closed Mouth Does Not Get Fed’’. Accordingly, I feel that I have to tell her what I feel at the end...

I do not care about NC or getting hurt because I am not going to beg her or something, I will explain my thoughts relatively and let her go…that will help me to put an end to it and go on with my life. In order to have a piece of mind I have to do theat. Otherwise I know that I will always be suffering of the things I haven’t said and kept inside.

 

My friend, I understand your situation perfectly. I think there is a breaking point in every relation. Without knowing if you ever reconcile again or not, that breaking point hurts you. As I previously stated Women are strange and they prefer not to say the things STRAIGHFORWARD…They just expect you to understand from their actions! So I think that might have been the reason she broke it off. She thought, you should have already realised that she was in a bad financial situation and invited her to move in. Obviously she would not ask you to invite her to move in, no women do that!! She expected you to see the reality!! And I see from your point that you also realised her bad situation but as far as she was concerned, time was up! I don’t know how long that lasted but it seems that she could not wait more.

I have the same problem sometimes. I understand what She needs, I know what I need to do…but I fail to do it on Time!!! So that really sucks at the end...

I believe we have to be more time conscious in terms of women’s needs. There might be such small things, such little details which seem to us as if we can do them all the time. But when we miss the train, we come to realise the truth…Never Miss the Train!! Even if you miss try to catch it in another station…

[againstallodds]

Dear Paperchase,

 

Never Miss the Train!! Even if you miss try to catch it in another station…

 

 

Unless you're superman and can fly you can never catch the train at another station. I know you want your ex back badly right now and want closure. It's still early into the breakup that's why you are feeling this way. In a few more months of NC you won't be wondering about closure. Think about when you dumped your ex, what when on in your mind, did you take her back when she begged and try to contact you or you just contact her on your own? NC is tough and if it's your first time then you will have doubt about it just like anything else but it's the only solution you have right now.

[Oscar51]

You want to know why women are strange? Because even they don't know what the hell it is they want. Don't even bother trying to figure it out, just be yourself and the right woman will come along.

[mcson]

You want to know why women are strange? Because even they don't know what the hell it is they want. Don't even bother trying to figure it out, just be yourself and the right woman will come along.

 

Totally Agreed!!

 

They do not know what they want!!!