Love and Run

[Love-and-lost?]

I was hoping someone, probably female, could help me understand what is going on in my relationship. We are both in our mid-twenties...

 

I met Allison at a bar (cheesy, I know) and we hit it off right away. After a few dates, we ended up spending every weekend together for 5 weeks to the point where she pulled out the "L" word, which I reciprocated. Yet, after that weekend, she withdrew to the point where I have only seen her once a week for the following 4 weeks. I confronted her about this, and she stated that she needed time away, but eventually things would get back to normal and we would just forget about this bad blip in time. We speak about 1/3rd as much as we used to, and I am sometimes not sure if we are even seeing each other anymore

 

She has had bad previous relationships, but she has never gotten so close to somebody so quick before, and I think it really scared her.

 

I am completely dedicated, yet I question to whether I am possibly getting used or whether she is distancing herself from me to make it easier to break up.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks.

[Totally Confused]

No she is not scared. The only thing she's scared about is how to tell you that maybe she made a mistake telling you she was in love with you. How long ago was the break-up with her ex? If it was recently, there may still be feelings still lingering or she may have met someone else and realized, "wait a second, I was so caught up with this new guy (meaning you) cause it was nice to have a boyfriend again, that I didn't give myself a chance to explore other guys, which is something I might want to think about. Oh great, maybe I committed to this new guy too soon ... Great, now I don't know how I feel and I'm starting to find other men attractive too." She's not totally using you, she's either just trying to hold on to you just in case she doesn't meet someone better or she's holding on to you to see if she will really fall for you or not(uncertainty). That's what dating is about. It's testing out new people, so as not to make a big mistake. Unfortunately, you two have shared deep feelings in such a short period of time and before you really knew how you truly felt, that if someone now questions their real feelings and backs off, it's going to seem cruel to the other.

 

Now what you have to do is let her go. Don't be completely vailable to her anymore, and don't confront her, she'll only resent you. How can someone use you, if you don't allow it. Don't jump everytime she wants to see you. Don't yell at her and don't tell her that she's being cruel. Be cool. Tell her that she seems to be pulling away for whatever reason (she's not going to tell you the real reason, to spare your feelings) so you feel she should decide what she wants and give you a call when she knows. DO NOT CALL HER. Then tell her, in the mean time, you've got to do what's best for you and move on. If you're still available when she's decided, then great...if you're not, then you're sorry, but it will be too late for her. This will at least make her think things through and she'll realize she can't string you along and play head games with you. This will be more attractive to her, a man that respects himself and won't wait for her. Believe me, there is nothing sexier than a guy who respects and stands up for himself.

 

Like i said, playing it cool is really the only thing you can do right now. That's usually the best thing. If anything you'll walk away with pride. Good luck and I hope it works out.

[Love-and-lost?]

I would agree with you, but she has been single for two years, and definitely isn't carrying a torch. THe previous relationships were nothing she was happy about. And she talks about us being together Forever. She even willingly stated that she would sell everything and move overseas with me next January, though who knows now.

 

I would generally agree with you, but I really think we have a future. And I know there is no other man in her life that she loves like me.

 

I can't imagine that I could so wrong about something that seemed so right. especially when the pace wasn't even set by me, but that I was willing to go along.

 

I did confront her last week, and stated that "I could be the best thing that ever happened to you, and when you get comfortable again, we'll have fun on a level you've never experienced before." She was very impressed, and thanked me for understanding. She still believes that we will be together for a long time.

 

So either she's really got me convinced for no reason, or there's something genuinely there. What do you think?

 

No she is not scared. The only thing she's scared about is how to tell you that maybe she made a mistake telling you she was in love with you. How long ago was the break-up with her ex? If it was recently, there may still be feelings still lingering or she may have met someone else and realized, "wait a second, I was so caught up with this new guy (meaning you) cause it was nice to have a boyfriend again, that I didn't give myself a chance to explore other guys, which is something I might want to think about. Oh great, maybe I committed to this new guy too soon ... Great, now I don't know how I feel and I'm starting to find other men attractive too." She's not totally using you, she's either just trying to hold on to you just in case she doesn't meet someone better or she's holding on to you to see if she will really fall for you or not(uncertainty). That's what dating is about. It's testing out new people, so as not to make a big mistake. Unfortunately, you two have shared deep feelings in such a short period of time and before you really knew how you truly felt, that if someone now questions their real feelings and backs off, it's going to seem cruel to the other. Now what you have to do is let her go. Don't be completely vailable to her anymore, and don't confront her, she'll only resent you. How can someone use you, if you don't allow it. Don't jump everytime she wants to see you. Don't yell at her and don't tell her that she's being cruel. Be cool. Tell her that she seems to be pulling away for whatever reason (she's not going to tell you the real reason, to spare your feelings) so you feel she should decide what she wants and give you a call when she knows. DO NOT CALL HER. Then tell her, in the mean time, you've got to do what's best for you and move on. If you're still available when she's decided, then great...if you're not, then you're sorry, but it will be too late for her. This will at least make her think things through and she'll realize she can't string you along and play head games with you. This will be more attractive to her, a man that respects himself and won't wait for her. Believe me, there is nothing sexier than a guy who respects and stands up for himself. Like i said, playing it cool is really the only thing you can do right now. That's usually the best thing. If anything you'll walk away with pride. Good luck and I hope it works out.

[Jesaco]

I was hoping someone, probably female, could help me understand what is going on in my relationship. We are both in our mid-twenties... I met Allison at a bar (cheesy, I know) and we hit it off right away. After a few dates, we ended up spending every weekend together for 5 weeks to the point where she pulled out the "L" word, which I reciprocated. Yet, after that weekend, she withdrew to the point where I have only seen her once a week for the following 4 weeks. I confronted her about this, and she stated that she needed time away, but eventually things would get back to normal and we would just forget about this bad blip in time. We speak about 1/3rd as much as we used to, and I am sometimes not sure if we are even seeing each other anymore She has had bad previous relationships, but she has never gotten so close to somebody so quick before, and I think it really scared her. I am completely dedicated, yet I question to whether I am possibly getting used or whether she is distancing herself from me to make it easier to break up. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks.

Hi!

 

Chances are that she decided that she doesn't really love you. But that doesn't matter and shouldn't make a difference as to whether or not you still want to go out with her.

 

If you have fun going out with her, then go out with her. But also date other people. Dating is a time to have fun. Meet people and enjoy their company.

 

And the only time you should commit to any one person is if you fall in love. And when that happens, the commitment will come naturally. You won't have a desire to go out with anyone else.

 

So right now, just have fun. And go out with anyone you're attracted to. And anyone you're interested in meeting and geting to know.

 

Good Luck,

 

Jesaco

[Totally Confused]

OK, so maybe she's not carrying a torch for an ex, but the other stuff I said, may still ring true. I know you’re crazy about this girl, and I know you shared something really special with her. I also know that you can’t understand how you two shared sooooo much, and all of a sudden she’s pulling away, and you feel that it is impossible for her to not feel anything for you. Well it is possible. I’m a female and I’m giving you honesty. It’s not even just female honesty, it’s human honesty. I’ve done it to men and they’ve done it to me.

 

I had met this really sweet guy 2 years ago. He was so nice and we had a lot of fun together. We spent practically everyday together for 2 months. We talked about marriage, how we felt like we had known each other our whole lives, cause we were so comfortable with each other. How we thought that maybe we were soul mates (if you believe in soulmates). I really liked him so much and even thought I was in love with him. About 2 weeks after sharing all these feelings with each other, I started to pull away. I realized that I didn’t know if I liked him as much as I had told him and I was starting to feel guilty. I was so confused, because I knew I had felt so much for him 2 weeks prior...how was it possible that I was a bit skeeved out by him 2 weeks later. I was confused and asked for time and space, so I broke up with him. Another 2 weeks later (he had totally left me alone) I started to feel a little something for him again. I actually was able to have my space and I realized, maybe I did like him...so I called him and we got back together....for another 2 weeks and I thought - wow, I really missed him. Then after the 2 weeks, I didn’t feel anything for him, at least not enough to stay with him . I told him, again, that I was confused (cause I really was) and needed time and space. I never went back to him. I just couldn’t bring myself to want to be with him romantically. A mutual friend told me that my ex knew I would come back to him, and that I really loved him, cause we had shared so much and I had told him how I felt. He was saying the same thing that you’re saying, which is, you don’t understand, we are meant to be. We talked about marriage, soulmates and how comfortable we were with each other. Well, he was wrong. I don’t know why, but I just realized I didn’t like him as much as I had originally thought. I knew I would never feel for him strongly enough again. I wished so bad that I could, but I just couldn’t feel it. I didn’t know why, it just happened.

 

Anyway, I’ve also had the reverse, where I’ve shared so much with a guy, only to have him pull away. I was so sure that they were in love with me, cause of everything we had been through together, but...I was wrong. I’m not telling you all this to hurt you, I’m just trying to prepare you for what may or may not be the truth. If you sit there and think that this girl is totally in love with you, you may actually be fooling yourself and you’ll end up hurting more in the end (not that it doesn’t hurt now). Let’s face it, if she loved you, she’d be with you...it’s that simple. Put yourself in the reverse situation. You love this girl so much. Would you ever pull away from her like she’s pulling away from you? NO - of course not. That’s because you are crazy about her and would never want to be without her. Whether it’s from confusion or fear or whatever...the point is, she doesn’t want to be with you right now. The fact that you are even writing this posting, shows that she is questioning her feelings for you, especially if she’s this confused after only being with you for a short period of time. It’s not as established a love as you think or want it to be. Now let’s look at it this way.

 

That doesn’t mean you have to give up all hope. It also doesn’t mean she won’t change her mind. But you have to accept what’s in front of you at the moment. If she’s not with you, it’s cause she doesn’t want to be with you. If she did, she would be. Her using fear as an excuse is a bunch of bull. It’s what it is...an excuse to bide time until she can decide what she wants. So let her have her time. She may come back, but you’ve got to leave her totally alone, so she can figure it out. Otherwise she’ll get annoyed with you and then you’ll never have a shot.

 

So, give her a couple of weeks. if she doesn’t come back within 2 - 4 weeks, chances are she won’t.

 

Again, I’m sorry if I sound negative, but I’m only trying to be honest with you. I hope you do hear from her...and I hope you two can work things out, but I just want you to see things for what they really might be.

[Love-and-lost?]

Thank you very much for your advice, however much it may hurt to hear it.

 

This past weekend though, I think things got resolved. I told her that she possibly passing up the greatest thing that could have ever happened to her, and she melted. That weekend, she apologized for ever hurting me, ever, and various other good things including the "L" word. So hopefully this is a sign that she is coming back around. Yet after being hurt so bad, I'm wary of anything now. Yet the frequency of our visits together is still quite low. She wants to take it slow, which is understandable, but this is still leading to very little "alone" time between us. But I have heeded your advice, and have started somewhat "dating" elsewhere. Nothing at all serious, but invites out are not being turned down.

 

Thanks for being a personal advisor of sorts! I hope to hear many other pearls of wisdom as time goes on from you!

 

:-)

OK, so maybe she's not carrying a torch for an ex, but the other stuff I said, may still ring true. I know you're crazy about this girl, and I know you shared something really special with her. I also know that you can't understand how you two shared sooooo much, and all of a sudden she's pulling away, and you feel that it is impossible for her to not feel anything for you. Well it is possible. I'm a female and I'm giving you honesty. It's not even just female honesty, it's human honesty. I've done it to men and they've done it to me. I had met this really sweet guy 2 years ago. He was so nice and we had a lot of fun together. We spent practically everyday together for 2 months. We talked about marriage, how we felt like we had known each other our whole lives, cause we were so comfortable with each other. How we thought that maybe we were soul mates (if you believe in soulmates). I really liked him so much and even thought I was in love with him. About 2 weeks after sharing all these feelings with each other, I started to pull away. I realized that I didn't know if I liked him as much as I had told him and I was starting to feel guilty. I was so confused, because I knew I had felt so much for him 2 weeks prior...how was it possible that I was a bit skeeved out by him 2 weeks later. I was confused and asked for time and space, so I broke up with him. Another 2 weeks later (he had totally left me alone) I started to feel a little something for him again. I actually was able to have my space and I realized, maybe I did like him...so I called him and we got back together....for another 2 weeks and I thought - wow, I really missed him. Then after the 2 weeks, I didn't feel anything for him, at least not enough to stay with him . I told him, again, that I was confused (cause I really was) and needed time and space. I never went back to him. I just couldn't bring myself to want to be with him romantically. A mutual friend told me that my ex knew I would come back to him, and that I really loved him, cause we had shared so much and I had told him how I felt. He was saying the same thing that you're saying, which is, you don't understand, we are meant to be. We talked about marriage, soulmates and how comfortable we were with each other. Well, he was wrong. I don't know why, but I just realized I didn't like him as much as I had originally thought. I knew I would never feel for him strongly enough again. I wished so bad that I could, but I just couldn't feel it. I didn't know why, it just happened.

 

Anyway, I've also had the reverse, where I've shared so much with a guy, only to have him pull away. I was so sure that they were in love with me, cause of everything we had been through together, but...I was wrong. I'm not telling you all this to hurt you, I'm just trying to prepare you for what may or may not be the truth. If you sit there and think that this girl is totally in love with you, you may actually be fooling yourself and you'll end up hurting more in the end (not that it doesn't hurt now). Let's face it, if she loved you, she'd be with you...it's that simple. Put yourself in the reverse situation. You love this girl so much. Would you ever pull away from her like she's pulling away from you? NO - of course not. That's because you are crazy about her and would never want to be without her. Whether it's from confusion or fear or whatever...the point is, she doesn't want to be with you right now. The fact that you are even writing this posting, shows that she is questioning her feelings for you, especially if she's this confused after only being with you for a short period of time. It's not as established a love as you think or want it to be. Now let's look at it this way. That doesn't mean you have to give up all hope. It also doesn't mean she won't change her mind. But you have to accept what's in front of you at the moment. If she's not with you, it's cause she doesn't want to be with you. If she did, she would be. Her using fear as an excuse is a bunch of bull. It's what it is...an excuse to bide time until she can decide what she wants. So let her have her time. She may come back, but you've got to leave her totally alone, so she can figure it out. Otherwise she'll get annoyed with you and then you'll never have a shot. So, give her a couple of weeks. if she doesn't come back within 2 - 4 weeks, chances are she won't. Again, I'm sorry if I sound negative, but I'm only trying to be honest with you. I hope you do hear from her...and I hope you two can work things out, but I just want you to see things for what they really might be.