How Does One Forget a Partner's Past?

[lightcommas]

Let me begin by saying my boyfriend the most wonderful, generous and caring man I've ever met. We've been together around 7 months, and I'm positive this is the man I want to spend my life with. I'm in love and completely committed, and have no doubt he feels the same way. With that said...

 

I'm so jealous of my boyfriend's past! He's had many more partners than I, much of it I believe to be casual sex. When we were still a new couple, he told me many details of past relationships and his sexual past - his ex that loved anal sex, the night he and an ex drank a lot and had a marathon 12-hour sex session in a jacuzzi suite, the time he was intimate with another woman while her husband watched, how it was kinda cool that another ex was partially lactating though her son was four years old, etc, etc...these details are BURNED into my memory for the rest of my life! I think about these details ALL THE TIME. At times, he's holding me and I need to push him away - these details creep into my mind and I think of him holding them instead of me.

 

I eventually gathered the strength to confront him and explain how these things make me feel. He said he had never seen it my from perspective, that he told me all these things to cleanse his mind of them, be fresh and empty for me, etc. In the months since, he's been very careful to never bring up that sort of thing again. But they're still there in my head.

 

Less than a week after I finally told him the things that were bothering me, I borrowed his phone (couldn't find my phone, used his to call mine). There were SO, SO many girls' numbers. One particular girl even had an attached picture...a nude picture. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong, but burst out in tears within an hour. When I told him what I found, he acted shocked - said he didn't even remember that picture was there, he'd had the phone for years and just never deletes a number, etc. He says he deleted the numbers and picture that day - I haven't checked, I don't want to act distrustful.

 

Soon after we became sexually active, I (A) wanted to begin birth control and (B) began having vaginal discharge. At my GYN office, I learned I had CHLAMYDIA. I hadn't had a sexual partner other than him in a few years, so I immediately confronted him. He had no idea he'd been carrying it, but agreed that must have passed it to me. We went in together for treatment, and I've tried to forget it...but I can't. Makes me feel yucky, dirty and cheap.

 

I honestly don't believe he would cheat on me. I believe him when he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and only me. He's even been hinting about engagment rings and such... But HOW do I forget these details of his past?? In ten years, I don't want to still be thinking of his past sexual conquests when he tries to hold me. I wish I could just blank my mind of these details.

[OnTheEdge]

id honestly say leave him and move on...becuase these things will stay with you forever

he sounds like he was such a dirty man having sex with everyone and them thoughts will stay with you...

plus he gave u a std...a dirty disease he caught from a dirty woman

i personally wouldnt be able 2 get past this

[AAlike]

I've written enough about this, but in short, there's no way to just "get over" it, it takes a long time...unfortunately longer than 7 months even.

[PrincessPeach]

This is why I don't ask, don't tell and stop them from telling when they try to talk about past relationship things like this. Ultimately it doesn't matter, but it's something that will always stick around in your mind once you know it.

 

As for how to forget it... I don't think there is a method for doing this. It more of an issue that you just have to accept it as his past. Once it's fully accepted by you as a part of his past you'll feel better about it. But I don't think it's something you can hope to just forget.

[Steve L]

You dont have to forget about his past because you must absolutely dump him immediately. Chlamydia!!! you have to be kidding! Why are you even spending time on the computer when you should be packing his/your clothes. Come on girl....get movin

[movingonandon]

Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with some people here (i'm refering to the all the "dump him immediately" responses).

So this is a guy that treats you great, and who had some serious sexual past, and you should dump him because of that? Please....

The jealoucy part is somewhat understandable, but here's a way to think about this: these things are *parralel universes*. None of that matters right now. None. He's with you, he treats you great, he loves you. Base your decidions on how he treats you, not on what you assume about him based on his past.

 

All of the women I've been in relationships with have had WAY MORE partners than I've ever had, and this has never bothered me AT ALL. Why? Because they're with me, not with somebody else. why would I waste time thinking about all the stuff they did with their ex? also, this in no way affects the dynamics of the relationship - having slept with less people does not make me "less powerful" man, and it certainly works the other way around (i.e. the OP having more limited history)..

 

As for the chlamidiya part: this is the most common and among the most harmless diseases that many people are even unaware they're caring. And it is also easily curable. My very first girlfriend - a perfectly nice girl with good morals gave me chlamidya.

[OnTheEdge]

. My very first girlfriend - a perfectly nice girl with good morals gave me chlamidya.

 

lmao @ that

[AAlike]

lmao @ that

 

ummm...why? STD's are a fact of life, and to assume that only "dirty" people get them is both naive and childish.

[OnTheEdge]

i didnt assume anything about people being dirty

[AAlike]

a dirty disease he caught from a dirty woman

 

I was alluding to this.

[HokeyReligions]

You can't un-ring a bell. You have to come to grips with breaking up with him because you cannot accept his past; or learn to accept his past. Keep dating for a year or so and maybe even try some short-term counseling to help you deal with the reason you can't let go. Then decide to break up or stay. He may end up dumping you anyway because who wants a partner who crys over his past. Your feelings (nothing wrong with your feelings - they are what they are) may not be compatible with his, especially in the long-term. You two haven't been together very long anyway. Its not an unreasonable or unusual reason for ending a budding relationship.

[OnTheEdge]

I was alluding to this.

 

well it sounded like he was with dirty people lol

[tinogrrl]

I had a good friend go through a similar situation. She was dating a perfectly nice guy, but she could not get over his past sexual relationships (granted he had only been with 6 or 7 other women, and had experienced nothing as kinky as the things you mention your current bf engaging in). She brought it up so much that he finally dumped her because he could no longer handle her insecurity. The point? Either you need to come to terms with his past and realize he is no longer that person anymore because he is with you now, or it will tear your relationship apart.

 

As for the clamydia, WTF? As a sexually active person who was intimate with a lot of other women, he should have known better; he should have gotten tested prior to your relationship. That's just plain irresponsible. Tsk, tsk...

[berrieh]

The clamydia is the only thing that would really bother me, I think. (Because he hadn't been sensible enough to protect himself and/or get tested.) That would definitely sour me a bit. I don't know if it qualifies as a "Dump him immediately" (that seems extreme), but it would definitely make me a bit resentful.

 

As for the rest of it? Basically, if you want to be with this man, you have to accept that the past is past. You have to figure out why his past is bothering you so much and deal with it, within yourself.

 

It sounds like he was trying to do the right thing, by being honest. Everybody has their own way about these things. Some people are don't ask, don't tell, but some people will open up to you as an expression of intimacy and trust.

 

You have to be secure with yourself and your relationship, or you have to be secure enough with yourself to leave the relationship. If you don't feel he will cheat, what precisely is making you insecure?

[Walk]

When I started dating my H, he would talk about his past gf's and sexual experiences. He had numerous sexual partners, one night stands, casual sex, kinky, exciting... and a great deal of things I am either too closed minded to try, or too represed to attempt.

 

It bugged me for about a year. The relatioship was new, I felt insecure about my sexual abiliities, I was scared that he'd grow bored of me sexually because I wasn't like the woman in his past. It made me feel replaceable, discardable.

 

Outside the subject of his past, he treated me great. He was all things I wanted in a SO.

 

Let me make this clear, I did not have an issue with what he did in his past. I didn't feel it made him dirty, or show a lack of morals on his part. If you feel that way, then at the core of the relationship the two of you have different beliefs and that makes for a huge strain on a relationship. You can't love someone you don't respect, and if you can't accept his past without judging poorly, then you can't respect him. If you feel his behaviors were in poor taste, were wrong, were morally not up to your standards, then you won't be able to get past his past. You aren't a bad person for that. It comes down to morals and what you can and can't accept in your life. Don't make this more complicated then it needs to be.

 

If however, you don't have an issue with his past except that it's causing you to question your value to him, then you may have a relationship worth fighting for if you think you can work through you issues. If you don't think you can work through them, then out of respect for him you need to let him know that.

 

Anyway... it took me over a year to really come to terms with my H's past. Not sure how to describe this... but with men I've been with in the past, the ones who haven't had much sexual experience place a huge importance on the physcial aspects of sex. They place a bigger importance on the action of sex then the value of the person they're having it with. The men (like your bf) who've induldged in experimenting with sex find out that sex is more fulfilling, more exciting, more intense when you love the woman you're with. So even if he's had a 3 way with 2 double D women and their midget companion, he's still going to find sex with you to be at a higher level then he could ever attain with others.

 

Did that make sense? I'm not sure I described it very well. Long and short of it... sex with you doesn't compare to previous sexual experiences. It's like trying to compare a body massage by a stranger with how you felt when your very first love kissed you for the first time. The massage may have felt good, but the kiss was power.

 

Note: I'm not addressing what you found in his phone because I couldn't even guess if he was truthful or lying about it. So I'm setting that issue aside.

[Haruka]

Hey there,

 

I wanted to answer too. I can completely see from your point of view the hurt he has handed to you. When I met my boyfriend one of the first converstaions we had was about when he lost his virginity. (Mind you I only knew him a few hours)

 

Then gradually almost two and half years went by and he would tell me about most of the girls he was with. One example: He was with some girl who he thinks he might of gotten pregnant however the girl was raped around the same time he was dating her. (This one sticks in my mind most, because there could be a child involved etc).

 

One night he was telling me that he went to a movie were he proceeded to take his pants off. I was laughing until he went to say that his then girlfriend at the time was bottmless too.

 

I turned to him and told him that I didn't like that he always bought up his exs. He gave me a shock look and I explained futher that it was something that I wasn't happy about and that it hurt me even more when he would bring them up out of nowhere. He denied ever bringing them out of no where but I said that he did and that there was no excuse into always bring them up and that today is the present and I am the one that he is dating not those other girls. I also warned him that if he ever bought up his exs I would bring up about the time when we were seperated and he went off with some middle aged woman who had a six kids and she was a grandma. I also said I would bring up my ex-boyfriend and tell my BF what my ex and I did.

 

From then on he doesn't mention the exs. Although I did catch him out telling my cousin and her boyfriend all about the girl that was pregnant.

 

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't mean to be the way he is. He is open at telling you he had been with a lot of ladies before he met you. I understand that it makes you feel less then when he tells you about these ladies.

 

As for the STD well that particular std can be misleading for men. Sometimes symptoms don't show up on men and unfortunatly it transpires to women who get the brunt of the symptoms. Like most stds it can be cured.