How Do You Step Off the Roller Coaster Gracefully?

[wildsoul]

I'm so caught up in my R drama that it's feeling unhealthy. It seems that every time we take a step forward towards being a couple, we end up having a fight or some kind of step back. Am I causing this? Is he? My heads awhirl today.

 

Bottom-line (for those that like the punchline first) my guy and I had a fight last night, that resulted in him storming out. While he was gathering his belongings I managed to say, "I think we need a time out. I don't want to break up, but we need to reevaluate. I don't like fighting with you."

 

There are hurtful and confusing things about last night swimming in my mind. He hasn't called me today. (I did leave a message last night asking him to.) I feel that this emotional roller coaster thing we've been doing is chipping away at my sense of self and definitely affecting my income (I'm self-employed in a hard economy.)

 

I need to get my head on straight again. I'm feeling like I need to be very careful about increasing my internal drama right now. For example, could easily get worked up if I start thinking about Thansgiving and whether our plans stand or not.

 

The thing is, I don't know whether the roller coaster with us is largely situational or if it's a fatal flaw. The book I read on dating a seperated man talks about the importance of taking an emotional step back when your guy's moods go wonky.

 

The crux of our argument last night is that he says I'm the one with crazy moodswings and he can't handle it. (I got cranky last night while cooking us dinner because my house was cluttered with his stuff everywhere, he had a movie on that was blaring loud, and he refused to turn it down when I told him I was feeling overwhelmed. I also told him I was frustrated that I've been doing all the cooking and all the clean up for us and it was wearing on me.) From there it escalated into him yelling at me for my "mood swings." He has said this many times before, enough that I'm starting to question whether I'm acting worse than I realize or is him trying to control me? (Someone else here referred to it as me having to walk on eggshells around him.) Due to his own stress, he has zero tolerance for me to be anything less than happy/positive all the time. But as all you OP understand, it's a Catch-22 because the stress of our situation also makes me emotional.

 

When in it, I feel that all I need to calm donw is for him to help ground me with a hug, some love, or reassurance. I try asking for that, and he will flat-out refuse, then he gets angry, yells, and makes it all worse. Ugh. I told him last night that he is missing the compassion gene and I meant it. He is SOOOOO sweet to me when things are going well. But one bit of conflict or an upset mood from me and he disconnects from his heart and starts shouting rapidfire accusations. This has happened 3 times now: When I broke up with him in July, when we had tickets to the theater, and last night. It's got to STOP.

 

So how do I first get myself centered again, and secondly stop this thing where he has an angry outburst and leaves when I express dissatisfaction with him over something?

[whichwayisup]

I don't know whether the roller coaster with us is largely situational or if it's a fatal flaw.

 

Well, it's certainly become a habit and the norm between you two. It'll take alot of effort on behalf of both of you later on to fix this when he is finally divorced.

 

He is acting like a child, then reacts like a child, then you two feed off of eachother, which isn't good or a healthy dynamtic. If he can't handle the ups and downs of moods at times in a relationship, then things WILL not work out between you two. Life isn't perfect, people aren't always happy go lucky, so it's foolish of him to put that expectation on you.. Sounds like too, he's picking fights on purpose, being a jerk so you will end it and he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

[Owl]

WS, I don't know how to say this gracefully, so being my normal self, I'm going to be blunt about it.

 

I think what you're seeing now is what it's like to REALLY be with him.

 

I don't think this is situational...I think it's who he is.

 

I think the affair is starting to turn into a more "normal" (whatever the heck that is) relationship. You're starting to see what LIVING with him is like, rather than what the affair/courtship was like.

[whichwayisup]

Thansgiving and whether our plans stand or not.

 

It is possible that he is having second thoughts about Thanksgiving. Seems when your MM is stressed out and feeling pressured he picks fights, acts like a schmuck, and makes you feel bad.

 

Why not take control and UNinvite him to Thanksgiving before he backs out on you? I know you probably don't want to do that, but think of this way, he hasn't called you today or tried to fix things - He's run away and avoided once again.

[jwi71]

When in it, I feel that all I need to calm donw is for him to help ground me with a hug, some love, or reassurance. I try asking for that, and he will flat-out refuse, then he gets angry, yells, and makes it all worse. Ugh. I told him last night that he is missing the compassion gene and I meant it. He is SOOOOO sweet to me when things are going well. But one bit of conflict or an upset mood from me and he disconnects from his heart and starts shouting rapidfire accusations. This has happened 3 times now: When I broke up with him in July, when we had tickets to the theater, and last night. It's got to STOP.

 

Not gonna like this -

 

OK. This guy is a loser. Plain and simple. You asked him for love and support and a hug and he basically told you to F off. What cold hearted callous heartless SoB does that? That's just unreal to me.

 

I understand heated arguments. I understand being mad. But to so totally lose focus that you turn away when your gf offers an olive branch (or perspective) is...is...is... unforgivable. Even in our darkest hours I never lost my humanity. Not true. For almost 24 hours I was inhumane. My shame. The tempest of betrayal swallowed me. But I recovered myself and haven ever acted like that since.

 

And he has done this in the past? Its his pattern? This is how he handles conflict? I hate to say it - but if this is what you want from life, then proceed forward with this twisted dance. But the dance cannot end until you end it. You set boundaries. Stand up for yourself.

 

I don't see him being able to change. When faced with this, he reacts violently. He throws words like weapons. He walks out to hurt you. Returning only after you ask/beg. Its what he has done with his W - and now you. He is unbalanced at best. And no one deserves to be in an R with an unbalanced person.

 

I do not think this is situational. I think the situation exacerbates it, but at its core is an unbalanced man and you.

 

You deserve better.

[wildsoul]

If he can't handle the ups and downs of moods at times in a relationship, then things WILL not work out between you two. Life isn't perfect, people aren't always happy go lucky, so it's foolish of him to put that expectation on you.. Sounds like too, he's picking fights on purpose, being a jerk so you will end it and he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

On your first point, I agree. And it's worth noting that both of us have incredible stress this year. You might remember that I left a M, bought my own house with my own meager self-employed income (we had a prenup, so no community property or support) and am trying to make it in a downturned economy. I've got no family or anyone to catch me if I fall, and I'm scared witless. My R with him has been a huge source of happiness that has helped with my stress, but then this dynamic has also been stressful. Another way of putting it is that I'm doing a bit of a cost/benefits analysis. Overall, when the R is good and we've taken steps to become more committed, it's really worth it to me. But these dramas are taking a huge toll too.

 

On your 2nd point, I've thought about that too. For sure I was thinking about it related to T-day. Was he subconsiosly trying to get me to break up so as to make his decision easier? I came to the conclusion that I don't think that's it exactly. What I think it's more about is that he is testing me. Although he says he's made up his mind, I think he is still trying to see if he'll be better or worse off with me. And this sounds sick, but I wonder if he might also be trying to make me into his perfect girlfriend, seeing if he can break me of any disagreeable habits while he still has so much power. If I lose him, I'm single again and starting over. But if he loses me, he simply goes back to her until he's ready to find someone else. God, I hope he doesn't actually think that way, but the power differential is there none the less. In a few ways, I have more to lose.

[Owl]

I don't think that you've got more to lose...he does.

 

You've ALREADY lost a lot of the things that he's still not willing to "give up". Spouse, family, etc...

 

Again...this doesn't sound like he's "testing" you. It doesn't sound anywhere near that thought out or premeditated.

 

I think you're seeing him as he really IS...not as the person you thought he was.

 

Now that he CAN leave his junk laying around, he doesn't stand to lose anything if he doesn't turn the sound down, there's no requirement for him to compromise with you on things...he's showing you that he doesn't care enough to do so.

 

It makes me wonder if he treated his wife the same way, too.

[wildsoul]

WS, I don't know how to say this gracefully, so being my normal self, I'm going to be blunt about it.

 

I think what you're seeing now is what it's like to REALLY be with him.

 

I don't think this is situational...I think it's who he is.

 

I think the affair is starting to turn into a more "normal" (whatever the heck that is) relationship. You're starting to see what LIVING with him is like, rather than what the affair/courtship was like.

I completely agree that part of what's going on is that we are starting to enter the "normal" phase (since he's been separated.) I've noticed the small shifts in coziness and ease that come from that, as well as things like him wanting to watch tv while eating sometimes, instead of at the candlelit dining table like we always did before.

 

The extended courtship phase in affairs, as romantic as it is, screws up the R timing. By the time the M person separates and "normal" phase kicks in, it may be months or years. So there is ALL this investment in the R before you know basic things such as how domestically compatible you are, have met each others friends/family, etc.

 

Allegedly, my guy's been married for 16 years and they never fought until this last 2 years or so. Eh, but that's heresay. Who knows.

[Owl]

I completely agree that part of what's going on is that we are starting to enter the "normal" phase (since he's been separated.) I've noticed the small shifts in coziness and ease that come from that, as well as things like him wanting to watch tv while eating sometimes, instead of at the candlelit dining table like we always did before.

 

The extended courtship phase in affairs, as romantic as it is, screws up the R timing. By the time the M person separates and "normal" phase kicks in, it may be months or years. So there is ALL this investment in the R before you know basic things such as how domestically compatible you are, have met each others friends/family, etc.

 

Allegedly, my guy's been married for 16 years and they never fought until this last 2 years or so. Eh, but that's heresay. Who knows.

 

I'm impressed that you recognize that...it amazes me that so many people refuse to acknowledge this.

 

Your comment about them only having fought for the last two years or so makes me ask...remember I'm horrible for keeping stories straight...how long have the two of you known each other?

 

Does it raise any question as to whether or not there is a correlation between the downward spiral in his marriage and his involvement with you?

[wildsoul]

OK. This guy is a loser. Plain and simple. You asked him for love and support and a hug and he basically told you to F off. What cold hearted callous heartless SoB does that? That's just unreal to me.

 

I understand heated arguments. I understand being mad. But to so totally lose focus that you turn away when your gf offers an olive branch (or perspective) is...is...is... unforgivable. Even in our darkest hours I never lost my humanity. Not true. For almost 24 hours I was inhumane. My shame. The tempest of betrayal swallowed me. But I recovered myself and haven ever acted like that since.

My boundaries are getting spongy because we've had SUCH great compatibility in so many areas that I'm very motivated to keep the R. But in the area of conflict resolution, we're not doing well as a team. It seems to me that I've been doing more of the R "work," of mending fences and building bridges.

 

I could use improvement in conflict resolution skills myself, and I'm very open to learning. I try to remember things like lowering my voice when we start yelling. I offer things like, "Let's try calming down; I don't want to fight." These things seldom appease him.

 

He said something very startling to me last night. I was telling him that I feel that I often make efforts to destress him, but when I need such a gesture from him he refuses to do so. I explained that those things need to have more give/take. Then he said, "You're the taker! All you do is take..." I was stunned, not just because I don't think that's true, but also because I had been thinking those exact words about him last week. Sometimes he says things that I swear are him projecting what he does onto me. It's really confusing.

 

Do you think someone can be taught to have a different reaction in a disagreement? When I was cranky in the kitchen last night, all he had to do was turn down the loud tv as I asked then come over and be gentle with me. I was too agitated to calm myself down, but I was trying to still tell him what I needed. His outbursts are the opposite of what I need.

 

I have a philosophy that it doesn't matter so much who is right and who is wrong, but that in the heat of the moment the person who has the greater awareness has a duty to calm things down. I definitely try to do that, even if I was the one who got upset in the first place. I believe in calming the upset first, then fixing the problem second.

 

I wish my guy could share that philosophy and practice with me. I hear what you're thinking, "wishful thinking." *sigh*

[jj33]

I think you are very wise to call a time out. And agree with what others have said that you are now seeing the same him.

 

Whether or not it is situational really doesnt matter right now insofar as he is only just beginning the process of divorcing. This "situation" (the stress of the divorce, stress of the economy etc) is not something that is going to go away next week. It could be months.

 

And you dont want to live this way for months. One alternative is to take a time out until after the holidays (so you dont have the sword of Damocles hanging over your head as to what is going to happen is he going to show up etc etc)

 

and then if you still want to see him, sit down with him and talk about the manner in which you both fight. Talk about the downward spiral feeding into each other's stress and about ways you can get past that. Part of being a successful couple is knowing how to fight without wounding each other so badly each time.

 

I think it would be a mistake to plan to spend the hoildays with him, much as you want to. He is too volatile and whether it is a he is too volatile right now or he is too volatile in general, you are better off finding out in January when you dont have your Xmas worries on the line.

 

As for power, so what that he gets to go home to his W. His W who he threw under a bus for you. If he goes back to her then he is a coward and his leaving was not for real. It was in fact a trial separation to see if he liked being with you better than being with his W - that is a man treating everyone as an option, not a man who is finihsed with his options and ready to start a new life with you.

 

If he runs back there when you take a time out, then I would say there is nothing left to discuss. Whether its just his W allowing him to use her as a rest stop or not, that means he is not done with the marriage.

 

You have taken the brave step of moving on with your life and you didnt do it to get into a really stressful relationship.

 

Hang in there. You are looking at this very clearly.

[jj33]

We cross posted it looks like you did try to talk to him already about how you fight... and the response wasnt good.

 

He does seem to be projecting onto you. This idea that you are a taker. If he really thought that he wouldnt be with you. It sounds more like he doesnt like to give more than he wants to in a particalar moment and when asked, he goes immediately into his most defensive mode.

 

I would not take that on board. You have acknowledged your weaknesses when you too fight, he does not seem to be open to exploring the whole dynamic at the moment.

[Mino]

I don't think that you've got more to lose...he does.

 

You've ALREADY lost a lot of the things that he's still not willing to "give up". Spouse, family, etc...

 

Again...this doesn't sound like he's "testing" you. It doesn't sound anywhere near that thought out or premeditated.

 

I think you're seeing him as he really IS...not as the person you thought he was.

 

Now that he CAN leave his junk laying around, he doesn't stand to lose anything if he doesn't turn the sound down, there's no requirement for him to compromise with you on things...he's showing you that he doesn't care enough to do so.

 

It makes me wonder if he treated his wife the same way, too.

I have to agree with owl, While I was in the A, I thought my mm was close to perfect:love: After he moved in to his own place, I started seeing his flaws, I could literally piece together the evidence of how and why their M fell apart...Comunication was the biggest. My sm is perfect until there is an issue.. then he cant deal very well, withdraws instead of confronting. I assume that in the m, when there was an issue, his w probably tried to comunicate, but he didnt want to deal with it, he withdrew and over time she quit talking and trying, he swept it away, she swept it away too, until finally there was a disconnect. She didnt give a sh*T anymore, and he had A.. Its funny you think you know them after all this time, but really we only know the good side and dont really see the other side till later... then we can see were the problem was in their M and they are not so inocent after all, because they rather run away from the issues then deal with them in a mature way...

[Mino]

My boundaries are getting spongy because we've had SUCH great compatibility in so many areas that I'm very motivated to keep the R. But in the area of conflict resolution, we're not doing well as a team. It seems to me that I've been doing more of the R "work," of mending fences and building bridges.

 

I could use improvement in conflict resolution skills myself, and I'm very open to learning. I try to remember things like lowering my voice when we start yelling. I offer things like, "Let's try calming down; I don't want to fight." These things seldom appease him.

 

He said something very startling to me last night. I was telling him that I feel that I often make efforts to destress him, but when I need such a gesture from him he refuses to do so. I explained that those things need to have more give/take. Then he said, "You're the taker! All you do is take..." I was stunned, not just because I don't think that's true, but also because I had been thinking those exact words about him last week. Sometimes he says things that I swear are him projecting what he does onto me. It's really confusing.

 

Do you think someone can be taught to have a different reaction in a disagreement? When I was cranky in the kitchen last night, all he had to do was turn down the loud tv as I asked then come over and be gentle with me. I was too agitated to calm myself down, but I was trying to still tell him what I needed. His outbursts are the opposite of what I need.

 

I have a philosophy that it doesn't matter so much who is right and who is wrong, but that in the heat of the moment the person who has the greater awareness has a duty to calm things down. I definitely try to do that, even if I was the one who got upset in the first place. I believe in calming the upset first, then fixing the problem second.

 

I wish my guy could share that philosophy and practice with me. I hear what you're thinking, "wishful thinking." *sigh*

WS,, Of coarse he is the taker, MM are selfish people..They are use to being given too, jmo. Think about that. And taking resposibility is rare, they are better at blaming others.... Its all part of that charming personality that we didnt see before:sick:

[jwi71]

But in the area of conflict resolution, we're not doing well as a team. It seems to me that I've been doing more of the R "work," of mending fences and building bridges.

 

This startled me. Honestly. I said the exact same thing to our MC. The response - "What must she say/do to convince you she is working on this and wants the M to continue?" Same question to you - what must he do to prove in verifiable and concrete ways that he wants you? Do you even know?

 

I could use improvement in conflict resolution skills myself, and I'm very open to learning. I try to remember things like lowering my voice when we start yelling. I offer things like, "Let's try calming down; I don't want to fight." These things seldom appease him.

Huge red flag dear. Huge. Gargantuan. He gets upset and you can't talk him down. You can't even offer hugs and peace - he turns it away. This to me is a serious "I can't handle conflict nor the emotions it brings out". He surrenders rationality to emotion. Its all good when its love and romance, but when its fear and anger....

 

He said something very startling to me last night. I was telling him that I feel that I often make efforts to destress him, but when I need such a gesture from him he refuses to do so. I explained that those things need to have more give/take. Then he said, "You're the taker! All you do is take..." I was stunned, not just because I don't think that's true, but also because I had been thinking those exact words about him last week. Sometimes he says things that I swear are him projecting what he does onto me. It's really confusing.

Hello emotional abuse. The emotional gaslight. Insidious. Shadowy. "Your not the giver, your the taker. You offer nothing, always only I offer to you. Look, I even left my W for you! I did everything you wanted. You always demand and I always deliver." Stinky load of horse crap. Its manipulative, controlling and calculated.

 

This is the real him under stress. In anger, he lashes out blindly w/o regard for consequences. It utterly controls him. Blinds him to reason. He may be fine in the "happy" times, but introduce anything which spoils his perfect world - lookout! I fear this is the tip of the iceberg. And you are far to committed to this. Not healthy all things considered.

 

Do you think someone can be taught to have a different reaction in a disagreement?

Yes. Behavior modification works. So does cognitive modification. The tricky part is recognizing your failures and wanting to fix them. Your MM doesn't meet either prerequisite.

 

I have a philosophy that it doesn't matter so much who is right and who is wrong, but that in the heat of the moment the person who has the greater awareness has a duty to calm things down. I definitely try to do that, even if I was the one who got upset in the first place. I believe in calming the upset first, then fixing the problem second.

Even better, to me, is to not allow the emotions to explode and dominate the person. Heat of passion is great on celluloid but it sucks in reality. Both parties need to learn constructive ways of venting emotions - angry? Hit the pillow. Go jogging. Take a hot shower. Shut up even. Say nothing for 60 seconds. Then, when the rational mind checks back in, open your mouth. And yes, this can be learned provided one is receptive (and I know you are).

 

 

Why do A's work? Fantasy. Escape. Each can be perfect in their stolen moments. But now as you begin to settle in, you begin to see him as he truly is. The outbursts. The anger. The childishness. The utterly lack of caring for you. Cheating partners are labeled selfish for a reason wild.

 

At the very, very least - take a 90 NC break. And I am being overly generous here. Know what, that doesn't serve you at all - dump the childish, anger ridden conflict avoiding lying cheating SoB.

 

The best thing going for you wild is you. Your head. Do not suppress rational thoughts for the wild tempestuous outcries of your heart. Here, it is leading you astray.

 

Walk dear.

[Mino]

So back to how to get off the rollarcoaster gracefully... You go NC..SM needs time, needs time to sort himself out, heal and grow up.. Suggest t to him. He needs to learn from his mistakes too. I know its crappy, you have waited and endured so long to get to this point, but he is not in a place to be in a R, not a healthly one. He needs to reflect on his mistakes and want to do better in the next R..I dont think he can do this himself, its not easy to look at oneself and see our mistakes. Therapy would help him.. And only after time has passed and he has done the hard work, is there a chance to start a NEW R...If you continue on this road, you could end up hating each other.

[wildsoul]

Your comment about them only having fought for the last two years or so makes me ask...remember I'm horrible for keeping stories straight...how long have the two of you known each other?

 

Does it raise any question as to whether or not there is a correlation between the downward spiral in his marriage and his involvement with you?

Gosh, no worries. Even tho the stores are all similar here, there's no way to keep 'em all straight.

 

We met this last January, so 10-mos now.

 

Did I contribute to the breakdown of his M? Sure. In one respect his M was already over, but he was out there testing the waters of single life. He made the choice to have an A before committing to getting a D, but obviously I enabled that choice.

 

In my defense, I'd like to add that I was firm about not wanting to be in an A from the get go. Yet I didn't really hold that line. When he said at the beginning "My wife knows," and "I'm going to separate in a couple months," I believed him. In February, when it seemed she didn't know/approve I broke up with him. Then he DID separate (into a room rental) within 3 mos of us meeting. So it seemed like we were on track with being out in the open, until she lost her job (again) and he said he couldn't proceed with a more permanent S/D. I broke up with him again, until he moved out into his full apt this September.

 

He and I have had a lot of ups and downs based on the fact that I've been insisting we not be in an A. I'm sure that his moods have affected her. I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't have moved out this last Sept if it hadn't been for losing me. So while it's fair to say that I'm not the cause of their M problems, I've been mixed up in there more than feels good.

[2sunny]

so let me recap:

 

you cooked dinner

you did dishes

 

he watched tv

tv was too loud

he made a mess around the house with total disregard

 

you could see that things seemed one sided...

 

you pointed out how HE could make things a bit more comfortable for YOU

 

he said NO - this will be MY way or I will make you miserable

 

he went away because you asked for him to be a decent person and he can see that he's not capable of that simple request

 

YOU are the one sitting and trying to figure out HOW TO FIX IT...

 

 

hmmmmm, what's wrong with this picture?

 

HE is selfish and self centered. HE just expects that YOU will put up with it because HE'S SUCH A GREAT GUY... and because you love him. news flash - love doesn't look like this.

 

get used to this because it seems the only way he knows how to do a relationship... you will give and he will take from you. oh yah, and he will slap you on the backside when you don't follow suit according to his plan...

 

still want him?

[2sunny]

or the other option to the titled question would be:

 

wait until the rollercoaster gets slooooowly to the top - then very gently push him out!

 

i couldn't help myself!

[wildsoul]

or the other option to the titled question would be:

 

wait until the rollercoaster gets slooooowly to the top - then very gently push him out!

 

i couldn't help myself!

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

Thank you for that laugh.

[Angel1111]

It's been my experience that what you see is what you get. Stress brings out a person's true character. If he can't handle stress more creatively than this, then you're going to get this every time problems come up and you'll start to feel like a punching bag - particularly in times when you need a man you can depend on to keep a level head. I can understand something negative happening every once in a while, but this is pretty frequent. He's also insensitive to your needs. This isn't good.

 

Btw, the next time he behaves inappropriately, think twice before you pick up the phone and call him. Let him be the one who does that.

[BrotherD]

Wild

 

Just go AWOL.

 

I know you're emotionally involved...

 

There's much intensity that we offen mistake for love/attraction

 

The intesity is highest in the "limerance" period...

 

That's why these affairs are so intoxicating. Cuz literally we are drunk. Drunk with passion and intensty with our MM/MW

 

Every relationship eventually progresses to a different stage that usually has less intesity and involves nest building, companionship etc.

 

It also involves wether or not the toothpaste cap was replaced in a timely matter...icky boring stuff I know...

 

After the white hot intensity cools off, every day life creeps back and you realize what you got yourself into...

 

What your left with is a simple matter of needs and compatibility.

 

You want affection and sweet words from your partner...He sounds like he's not that kind of a guy...

 

So there are compatibility issues here.

 

I dont know how old you are but from my 40ish prespective a realtionship begins to look more and more like a job interview...

 

You have to look very carefully at the "qualifications" of this guy to assess what your chances are of having a successful union.

 

I know it sound cold and passionless, but after the screwing on the kitchen table has taken its course, your left with alot of time spent together, warts and all..

 

Weed and screen is what I say.

 

When you reach a point when you gut is aching, your brain feels like there is a vice on it, and it you begin to obsess over it, may I suggest simply stepping off silently and return to your old life?

 

From my recent experience, when I 'stepped off," it was a relief!!!!

 

Whats scary here is if you had a sliver in you toe, or a pebble in your shoe removing it would be relief! In these dumb relationships, we allow these irritations to continue! Think of jettisoning this relationship like taking a rock out of your shoe...That might help visualize what life would be like with out a irritating (yet addicting) affair/realtionship....

 

Just go silent. It will be a relief.

 

Hope that helps

 

It helped me to write it...Thanks

 

BroD

[2sunny]

weed the garden... he just keeps popping up with these nasty sprouts that keep irritating you.

 

go for beautiful flowers - not weeds.

[wildsoul]

Hello emotional abuse. The emotional gaslight. Insidious. Shadowy. "Your not the giver, your the taker. You offer nothing, always only I offer to you. Look, I even left my W for you! I did everything you wanted. You always demand and I always deliver." Stinky load of horse crap. Its manipulative, controlling and calculated.

 

This is the real him under stress. In anger, he lashes out blindly w/o regard for consequences. It utterly controls him. Blinds him to reason. He may be fine in the "happy" times, but introduce anything which spoils his perfect world - lookout! I fear this is the tip of the iceberg. And you are far to committed to this. Not healthy all things considered.

"Emotional gaslight," thanks for labeling it. This is why I feel so freaking confused! When he's mad, he spins things back around on me. When he's doing it, I have enough awareness to notice it, but he talks so fast it still makes my head spin. The thing that really concerns me is the long term potential. That stuff can eat away at a person, where after hearing it enough times both people start believing it's true.

 

Even today, I had to call a couple girlfriends and ask, "Do I have excessive moodswings?" One of my friends said, "Well maybe you don't know how it comes across to him." (She's a beacon of calm who never gets passionate.) Another friend's response felt more accurate. She said that she just had the exact same upset herself, when her partner wasn't helping with anything in the kitchen & the TV was blaring. LOL, but her partner actually turned the volume up for a second to be super-annoying. Sagely, she said that everyone gets upset now and then and couples have stupid misunderstandings, but that him storming out of the house over it is taking it too far.

 

That really is the crux of it. I think his overreactions are really inappropriate. Even if I'm cranky or sad or whatever, verbally punishing then abandoning by leaving is crossing healthy boundaries. This has to stop.

[2sunny]

i wouldn't call or accept his calls at this point.

 

let him sit wondering what is supposed to happen for T-Day.

 

he's creating all kinds of chaos and expecting you to act like this is ok and normal...

 

it's NOT normal in a healthy R with healthy boundaries.

 

i don't care how great he is on a good day. all his crap that he dishes out on the bad day and for days after is canceling out anything that was previously great.

 

he acts like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way. then he expects you to stand there and be happy about it? he's got some nerve!

 

he needs to grow up.

 

*** set more rigid, healthy boundaries for yourself and stick to them. that's the only way to get your happiness back on track.