How Do You Step Off the Roller Coaster Gracefully?

[2sunny]

oh - and as an afterthought...

 

on occasions (not always, but only when he thought he was in DEEP trouble and i would leave him) my xH would woo me after his bad behavior was duly noted. he would act super nice or take me out to a nice dinner/special trip or buy me expensive things. :sick:

 

just saying so you are on the lookout for this as well...

[NoIDidn't]

PS: NoIDidn't, thanks for being my tipping point today. Everyone is making great sense, and I'm getting it. But your pointing out how this example is concrete (related to T-day) makes it all less vague and more obvious.

 

Sheesh. I'm really mad right now. :mad:

 

I'm glad I was able to connect something for you, but I am sorry you are now mad.

 

It just that Thanksgiving is this Thursday, so it seemed calculated.

[jj33]

IThe innocent part of me still wants to believe he loves me.

 

These things are not mutually exclusive there is NO DOUBT he loves you, but that still doesnt mean that being with him serves your highest good

 

The hopeful part of me still wants this to have a different outcome.

The outcome is already different than you thought it would be. As you said one day at a time. For now the outcome is I need to step back and not see him. The hopeful part of you knows that whatever the best future is for you, it lies with not being with him now. Whether that means being with him or someone else later only time will tell.

 

The scared part of me is afraid that I'm going to fall apart.

 

Youve already proven you are not going to fall apart. It FEELS like he is a safe haven but he is not. Hence the edginess the worry that the ups and downs of being with him will impact your state of mind and your productivity.

 

What you are feeling is the disappointment that you are "alone" but you will be no more alone without him than you are with him because he is not consistent and cant be counted on for big things like the holidays. And you have wonderful friends who love you and are there for you. Social conditioning makes it feel better to be in a couple at all costs but you know better.

 

You know the old french saying c'est mieux etre seul, que mal accompanie excuse my butchering of the french language) but it means better to be alone than in bad company - and not that he is bad but right now its not good)

 

The smart part of me thinks I should LET this fall apart.

 

It sounds like a part of you is focused on success - that is what you do. You work things out, make the best, look at the positive. But rather than looking at it as falling apart how about saying I now have more information and I am making a different choice. I now think its better for me not to be with him right now. And the future will take care of itself.

 

The wise part of me thinks it already has.

 

Semantics arent the point but I wouldnt say it has fallen apart, I would say you now have more information and now you are saying oh my this is important information. I think I now feel differently about spending time with him.

 

 

 

As for how to break up with him, it sounds like you dont need to worry about that as he is doing his time in the cave thing. When he bounces back, which he will, its a question of how you want to handle it.

 

Why not just be honest and say that you feel that you havent been handling conflict well together and it may be because of the separation process but its not good for you and he didnt seem open to discussing it so you feel its best to be apart.

 

The thing is I think that will only buy you a tirade of anger and accusations that this is your fault.

 

Alternatively you could simply say that the fact that he stormed out for a few days really doesnt work for you and you dont want conflict in your life over the holidays and you think you need time out until after the holidays. I think less is more with this guy as if you say anything too complicated he dissects it and throws it back at you with venom.

 

Then you can see where you are. By January you may look back and say good transitional man but I dodged a bullet. I so wanted this to work out for you, but its looking like he was your transitional guy.

 

And you learned a lot of good things from it. I moved about 10 years ago and I spent time with this guy who was moving to the same city (independently). We had 4 fabulous months and the night I was getting on a plane to move thousands of miles away where I had nothing but a job he broke up with me. I was at his apt in NY leaving for JFK in the AM to start my new life and he dumped me.....

 

When I looked back months later I realised that the fear of moving so far away where I knew noone was made easier by the idea that we would be there together. At the time it hurt like hell (and ps he never moved here as far as I know) but his "purpose" so to speak was done.

 

The end of your story is not yet written, but transitional guys come in all sorts of forms. And if he is not transitional and gets a hold on his anger issues maybe he wont just be a transitional guy.

[wildsoul]

jj33: I <3 you!

 

"I now think its better for me not to be with him right now. And the future will take care of itself."

 

That a good example of "in the moment," and not in the overwhelm.

 

Good god, that guy who broke up with you on the night of your move is too much! That must have been one loooong flight. Wow.

[angie2443]

Due to his own stress, he has zero tolerance for me to be anything less than happy/positive all the time.

 

This isn't due to his own stress. This is due to who he is. He'll never change.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The innocent part of me still wants to believe he loves me.

 

You're missing something important here. He does love you as much as he can love someone other than himself when reality sets in.

 

You are thinking of a healthy kind of love. I think his love of self gets in the way when he is dealing with someone other than himself. As long as you submit to his fantastical idea of how a girl friend should respond (only to his wants and needs) he will be fine and happy. Its all about HIM WS, and you have the type of giving personality he needs.

[2sunny]

the requirement to be happy and positive all the time is a set up. how can you realistically live life everyday this way? it's not possible unless you are a robot.

 

it's not possible. for him to require that of you in order to be in this relationship is a set up for failure at a very basic level.

 

how about if he tries to do that for you? meanwhile YOU get to go off on him whenever you see fit and expect HIM to put up with your unacceptable reactions... think he would go for it?

 

not in a million years... it's all about him and his wants, needs and desires.

 

you are only involved when you play like a good girl and follow his rules... otherwise he "punishes you" in a childish way by disappearing until you play his way again.

 

this guy is a real cake eater... i'd bet money this is what he's done to his wife all these years too.

 

i still think a lot of truth can be found in an honest conversation with her. she has a right to know the truth too. he probably has her second guessing what the truth is more than you are.

[jj33]

I think that is the tough part. Heartbreak and disappointment from the guy you thought was the guy is bad enough but when you compound it with the fact that you feel like you are bouncing on the waves without a safety net, recently divorced, bad economy... it all becomes overwhelming. I know the feeling all too well. And with everything else feelilng fragile your mind can wander and say this has to work or my whole world will collapse.

 

But that is just a trick of the mind which gets me from time to time as well. Its not the truth. Be sad. Be disappointed. But as soon as you can muster it. Be happy.

 

You have 2 days until Tday which is one of your favorite holidays. Yes it would have been nicer if he had followed through and everything went to plan but you now have vital information. Information that you didnt have before or that you overlooked as being just one of those things that happens when you have an affair.

 

You are an open giving person and you give people the benefit of the doubt. But at a certain point the same information comes at you again and again. In this case its his way of dealing with conflict, his anger and his gaslighting.

 

He puts you in a position where you have to be the enforcer. He misbehaves. You have to lay down the law. And then when he realizes he has no other choice he comes around. That is a very exhausting way to live. And now he has compounded it by gaslighting and projecting his misbehavior onto you as mood swings.

 

Someone lets your kitten out repeatedly and annoys you with the TV? Of course you will get angry. Those are not mood swings. That is a response to provocation. You are not a Stepford Wife ignoring his bad behavior with a smile. And since passive agressive provocation is his game, when you dont respond to the little things, (like the kitten problem) he escalates.

 

It sucks that he is doing this. And I am so sorry you are having to go through it.

 

And thanks. As dramatic as it sounds the guy when I moved wasnt the end of the world a week or so later I was over it. He wasnt the guy for me. He just realized it before I did.

[mental_traveller]

You don't. There's no way to end things nicely or gracefully. You just end it and walk away, then never look back. Leave grace to ballet dancers.

[beautifullove]

It's been a while since I've logged in, but tonight I decided to look for updates. However, reading your post today seems strange, because it seems as though he is controlling the relationship at this point, dictating the direction of things. I haven't read through all the postings, so forgive me for making such an assumption. It's just such a huge difference from when I last logged onto LS. I remember when you first broke up with your MM, because it was around the same time as I broke up with mine. As I read through your post, I am reminded of the cloud that I was standing under for so long, and I can totally sympathize. Whether, you find happiness with him, or without him, I wish you the best, because you deserve to be happy. Maybe if you go back and re-read your story from the beginning, it may help you to find your center.

[2sunny]

HE WINS.

 

1.The innocent part of me still wants to believe he loves me.

 

2.The hopeful part of me still wants this to have a different

outcome.

 

3.The scared part of me is afraid that I'm going to fall apart.

 

4.The smart part of me thinks I should LET this fall apart.

 

5.The wise part of me thinks it already has.

 

 

no he ultimately doesn't win. he's only cheating himself and others from the truth. there is no way to win at anything when any cheating is involved.

 

1. i'm sure he loves you as much as he's capable. sometimes it's just not enough for things to look happy or for a future.

 

2. that can only happen if he changes a great deal, but the reality is if it continues it will get worse and not better.

 

3. you will be fine. you are a strong gal and we will be here to lend support and love.

 

4. well, then be smart about this. you would tell that to your best friend.

 

5. see #4...his actions have really shown that for a while... but the choice was made to overlook the facts and give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

so, the question remains... what are you going to do about it?

[mytruelove]

i hate to say this, but i saw this coming i'm sorry, but i think he planned on spending thanksgiving with his W all along. he couldn't tell you this, so he had to find another way out.

 

all along when i read that he told you he would spend it with you i had a sick feeling in my stomach that he would definitely start a fight before that and you know that i'm the one who always sees both sides and trys to be fair and you know i was rooting for the best for you and have had faith that things would work out.

 

it's not the mature way to approach things. its calculated and manipulative.

 

i have been married also to the same type of guy. doing the exact same things with the cat, tv, and much much more. trust me, doesn't get better in the future until better conflict resolution and communication is learned and whatever past childhood issues that create this type of personality are addressed.

 

it sucks the life out of you being involved with someone abusive like this. it makes you believe that you are the crazy one and before you know it your seven years down the line, without the strength or self esteem to leave, and having completely lost yourself and who you are as a person and you are completely numb.

 

to battle back from something like this has been the hardest thing i have ever done and still a work in progress. grrr......

 

anyway, that being said, for the record, i think you are handling things great. you think through things and consider all things before you react. you have a great desire to be a better person and make your relationships better. you have a very open heart and are not afraid to express it. you haven't lost the part of your vulnerablity that can be a good thing. very wonderful qualities.

 

i try to remember that the holidays are only a few days of the year. so much focus is put on them when in reality they are just like another day that we get up and try to make the best of it.

 

i don't know what it is about the holidays and winter in these type of relationships, but it always seems like they are too much and seem to always be a good time for a break to gain perspective for the new year and move on, soo....

 

i say take the time to grow and come back stronger next year

 

progress with my guy has been a lot slower than i would like, but each year i look back and think okay "has there been progress?" yes, okay then more progress next year. i think as long as things keep progressing and not going back it is a good thing.

 

the other thing i try to remember is if the guy truly loves you he is not going anywhere no matter what. if he doesn't love you then you really don't want him anyway right? no sense in a loveless relationship, better off alone and open for that kind of love to come along.

[mytruelove]

you know how i'm handling this thanksgiving that really made me feel good and is helping me cope with things...

 

i wrote a letter to my guy telling him all the things i am thankful for in our relationship. he has not exactly been acting perfect right now, has been busy, distant, and withdrawn, and i miss the way he was before...which was causing me anxiety and hurt, so i didn't exactly do it for him. i did it for me.

 

it really helped me put things in perspective for this thanksgiving. it was kind of cleansing and is helping me come to some terms with the way things are right now and hopefully be able to be okay with it.

 

it sounds like you have gotten some of the same things from your mm that i have gotten from mine, so maybe that would help you to make a list like this. you don't have to give it to him as he is being a jerk right now.

 

we have to set boundaries to protect ourselves.

 

it is really tough struggling when you see a persons true colors when you have them soo built up in your mind. i guess you have to ask yourself, if the reality of him is what you really want. warts and all. can you accept all of him the way he is?

[wildsoul]

Thank you!!!

I'm feeling weary and don't have the energy to type replies to everyone right now. Please know I appreciate and am processing all of your insights and kind words.

 

I pretty much lost yesterday by obsessing over this. I started my day feeling motivated to take care of my life/business tasks, but instead wasted it with reading articles and trying to diagnose/understand what happened. Today, I feel utterly drained.

 

At least I haven't had any desire to contact him. I think there's a lot of sadness underneath my surface, but what I feel right now is an angry revulsion.

[norajane]

At least I haven't had any desire to contact him. I think there's a lot of sadness underneath my surface, but what I feel right now is an angry revulsion.

 

It's ok to feel sad. You're mourning the loss of your illusions about him.

 

It's also ok that you're now evaluating him for who he really is and how you two are together. You should have been doing that from the start, and you would have, had you not gotten caught up in needing someone to help you through your post-divorce period. Sometimes, we let people into our lives for a reason, and they leave once that purpose is served. Sounds like his purpose has been served and it's ok to let him go now.

[Shannon2008]

Try not to dwell on him for now...Go to your friend's house and enjoy Thanksgiving. Do not call him or it will seem like begging...and his ego has been stroked enough. Try to put it in your mind that you chose to enjoy Thanksgiving without him, you are tired of his bs and you are going to put your happy face back on, even if you're faking it....Eventually, you will feel happy again for real and you'll look back and think."WTF was I thinking obsessing over a man that is not worthy of the gum stuck to the sole of my shoe.."

Trust me, it will happen...

[OWoman]

WS, you sound so stressed. Is this R really good for you?

 

(((((hugs)))))

[2sunny]

you deserve a happy day tomorrow with friends.

 

go on your own and have a great time! this will prove to yourself that you can have fun without depending upon him.

 

think of ways today that you can contribute to the gathering that will make it special for all of you that are there.

 

this will keep you busy between now and then and also get your mind out of your self.

 

it also brings happiness to the people that you will gather with - which is the point of T-Day.

 

big hugs WS (((((WS)))))

[Die Hard]

Thank you!!!

I'm feeling weary and don't have the energy to type replies to everyone right now. Please know I appreciate and am processing all of your insights and kind words.

 

I pretty much lost yesterday by obsessing over this. I started my day feeling motivated to take care of my life/business tasks, but instead wasted it with reading articles and trying to diagnose/understand what happened. Today, I feel utterly drained.

 

At least I haven't had any desire to contact him. I think there's a lot of sadness underneath my surface, but what I feel right now is an angry revulsion.

Please please please! Dump this guy WS. I KNOW how hard it is to do, but trust me, it will be easier than if you let this piece of garbage dump you first.

 

I know from experience. I waited around until the MW I was seeing dumped me. Of all the regrets afterward, having not been the one to stand up and end it first bothered me the most. And had she not called trying to get it going again, I don't know how I'd be doing. She gave me the opportunity to get my dignity back. Not everyone gets that chance, but you have it RIGHT NOW. Please, for your own sake down the road, be the one to end it first.

 

Not because I don't want to see you and the MM together ...that does not bother me the way it bothers some here. But because it's what you need to do to become a happier person again. I know you're alone right now and don't have a support system. However, you are a STRONG woman who can take care of herself. You just need to quit cheating on YOURSELF!

 

I'd be willing to bet a year away from MM and you will have friends and a new support system developing.

 

as for you're original question regarding the roller coaster and how to step off: I really cannot help there as I did not step off gracefully as I waited until she did it. I do know how to do it though: just end it and walk away. You will look back at this time in your life and you will be so proud of yourself ...and if he ever calls wanting you back ....my bet is you won't even want him anymore. The MW I was seeing called to say that she was ready to leave. That she hadn't been able to get over me, blah blah blah. Guess what? I didn't want her anymore. And yes, I thought she was my soul mate previously. I've still never loved anyone the way I loved her, and yet, I got over her. It can and does happen!!

[2sunny]

any update WS? i hope you are ok and able to enjoy your day tomorrow.

[CAMAYPARK]

WS, nothing much to add. ((((hug))))))))). Thinking of you

[GreenEyedLady]

What happened? I thought you two were spending T-day together? (From your other thread.)

 

Happy Thanksgiving either way!

 

((HUGS))

[whichwayisup]

I thought you two were spending T-day together?

 

Go back afew pages..He picked a fight with her earlier in the week and was acting like childish and treated her badly. His way out of T-Dinner with her..

 

WS, I hope you try to have fun tonight reguardless of MM.

[wildsoul]

Go back afew pages..He picked a fight with her earlier in the week and was acting like childish and treated her badly. His way out of T-Dinner with her..

 

WS, I hope you try to have fun tonight reguardless of MM.

Ack. I just typed out a couple paragraphs when my rambunctious kitten jumped up on the keyboard. Now it's lost.

 

Here's the recap:

• SM got upset Sunday nite when I got irritable while cooking dinner for us. He'd been acting passive agressive on/off since Friday. When I got cranky, he flipped into a verbally abusive rage and stormed out.
  
• As he was gathering his belongings, I told him "We need a relationship time-out. Not a break up, but some time to reevaluate things. We can't keep fighting like this."
  
• Trying to end the night on a civil tone, I called him later. He didn't answer, nor did he return my call.
  
• He hasn't called since, nor have I called him.
  
• I don't think he's not calling as a way of honoring my time-out or doing it for the good of the R. No. I think he's doing it to punish me with abandonment, and doubly-so because it involves the holiday plans.
  

I'm easily triggered by abandonment, and while I do feel a twinge of anxiety in my belly, I'm more angry and revolted than anything else. This is the 3rd time he's done this verbally abusive rage then storm out number on me. It's not okay.

 

Up to now, I was still very in love with him and eager to maintain the love/romance/sex that we had. I was motivated enough to try to accept the difficulties that come with dating a separated person. He's done a lot to keep me motivated too, by lavishing me with time/affection/praise and promises of our great future together. But this raging & abandoning crap is overt negative manipulation, designed to control me through fear. Fu*k that. He has to FIX that defect in order to be in my life. It's a boundary issue.

 

God, I'm so mad at him right now. Not only for being a jacka*s and ruining the holiday, but because I think he delivered the fatal blow to our R.

 

On a more positive note, I've got friends around. After family dinner, I got invited to drop by a party if I feel like it. Another friend invited me to sleep over if I don't want to go home alone. Tomorrow, I've got plans with friends for lunch. And someone else just invited me to a tree-trimming party Sunday night. My social policy right now is "YES." I don't really feel festive, but I'm going to make a point of not isolating. There's a whole world out there with longtime friends and new ones, too.

[whichwayisup]

Let that anger guide you into not calling him. Let him call you and when he does (and he will) don't let him off the hook. TELL HIM that everytime he pulls the disappearing act, tries to make it seem like he's punishing you by ignoring you, it chips away at the love you feel for him. And with that being said, IF he continues to act like a f-head, the less you're going to feel for him as well as lose respect for him as a person in general.

 

Definately have fun tonight, don't let him take that away from you, nor ruin your holiday. Glad to hear that you're not isolating yourself either.