Be cool or tell him how I feel?

[Jazzy]

I recently reunited with an old friend I had not seen since our high school graduation. I had placed an ad (no photo) on a popular singles website and had selected the option to have the website email me mutual matches. While I generally deleted these emails because I wasn't taking meeting someone this way seriously, I decided to open the email this particular day. There he was (he had included a photo with his ad)! The website had emailed me his profile as a perfect match for me! I couldn't believe it!

 

I pondered whether or not I would contact him. I contacted a mutual friend from high school to see if she knew what he had been up to over the years. I didn't tell her my reason for wanting to know but, she didn't have anything positive to say about him (physical appearance, mental state). I waited two weeks before I said "What the heck?" and sent him an anonymous email via the website that had emailed me his profile. In my email, I told him I had not kept in touch with many people from back home and could understand if he did not want to either. I told him I would tell him who I was only if he wanted to know, otherwise I would not contact him again. He responded and said he would like to know who I was but, wanted to make a game out of it. He wanted me to keep emailing him giving him clues as to my identity so he could guess who I was.

 

After about 4 days of emails, he guessed correctly and let me know when he addressed me using the nickname they used to call me in school. We began emailing one another daily -- two and three pages. Then we began talking on the phone. We began calling each other pet names, mailed greeting cards to one another, wrote poems, etc. I was feeling so good! We both agreed that we felt that we were interested in being more than friends but, time would tell. At this point, he still did not know what I looked like and had not asked for a photo. We agreed to meet one month later from our initial contact. (By the way, he is a military man and was out of the country during the whole time we were in contact).

 

Now that you have the background information, I'll get to the point. Since he has been back in the U.S., we have spent 4 weekends together over the past 3 months -- yes, we had sex. We still talk on the phone. I am in one state, he is in another, and he has children and an ex (live-in) girlfriend of 7 years in another state. He has lived away from her state now for 7 years. I had asked him during one of our weekends if there was any chance they would get back together and he said "No." The problem is, he has not expressed how he feels about me or us becoming more than friends. Or, should I say he has not verbally expressed his feelings.

 

Based on what I have picked up, he is not interested in a relationship with me but he still calls me everyday -- except when he goes to visit "the other state". When he is there, he may call me three days straight and then I don't hear from him for the next four days. He has not given me a phone number where I can call him when he goes there -- even though he says he stays with his brother (he has lots of family there). However, when he gets back home, the state where he is presently staying until he decides where he wants to live, he calls me immediately and every day after that. He is always telling me his mother says "Hello" and she has sometimes answered the phone when I've called him. She always asks how I'm doing but, nothing more than that. But, then he'll go back to the "other state" and its the same process all over again . . . 3 or 4 days he calls, 3 or 4 days he won't call. Also, since he has been back in the States, he has not sent me any greeting cards. When we are together, he doesn't make me feel special -- outside of the bedroom. We have fun together -- we play games, go to the movies, etc. However, there's no hand holding, he walks a little in front of me, he doesn't open my car door or pull out my chair. Yes, I have gained weight since high school (from a size 7 to a size 12, most of my weight in my abdominal area). During one of our telephone conversations, before he came back to the States, he said that he could not date someone who is "fat". I have to believe that is (part of) the problem. We really connected in our written communication and telephone calls. When I told him that I think that I like him a little more than he likes me, he said that may be true but he does like me and is interested or he wouldn't call. He said he is just not settled yet. We both did say, we kinda like things the way they are at present -- no real commitment -- but I think I am ready for more. Anyway, that's all he has said -- that he is interest -- but, his actions lead me to believe differently. I like him and can see having a future with him if he showed me a little more attention to let me know that's what he wants too. At this point, I just feel like his "Mrs. Right Now." Oh -- another thing I should say, he is looking for work in my state (city) as well as "the other" state (city).

 

Any advice on what I should do? I think I know the answer.

[clia]

This whole situation is really strange.

 

The problem is, he has not expressed how he feels about me or us becoming more than friends.

 

I'm not sure how to put this tactfully, but you are his f***buddy. Friends (generally) do not sleep together. You obviously want more. He does not. He calls because he knows he has booty action with you. I'm sure he has a nice time with you as well, but nothing about his actions indicate that he ever wants anything more.

 

I think you need to cut him off and stop contact. This is not going anywhere healthy for you.