why can't i stop . .

[flmomma]

new here, this is going to be long. every time i googled "husband won't come home" or "how to fix my marriage by myself" it brought me here so i finally signed up =). a little about whats going on:

 

I have been with my stbxh for 3 years, married for 1 1/2. We have a 2 year old son and 1 year old daughter. after my son was born i got ppd then got pregnant with our daughter 2 1/2 months later so i never got the chance to fully recover from the depression then had the pregnancy hormones and newborn stress. . after my daughter was born, things got bad between us. some days or even weeks we would be fine. then we would get into a fight, he would leave or i would, we would fight until i could get him back home. well in july we got into a VERY heated argument and i told him to leave. he did. went 4 days ignoring my calls. so i started doing silly desperate things, telling him i was with another guy when i was just laying in our bed crying, telling him im going to "rob" him in court with the divorce, when all along i should have told him how much i needed him and wanted him to come back so we could work on things. well, i filled for the divorce 2 weeks later in hopes of scaring him home! (stupid, i know) didn't work. it has been a roller coaster for the last 5 months. he got his own house with his brother 3 months ago! SHOCKER, i thought it would be like all the other times and he would come back to me. after that i realized that there were some serious things i need to work on if i ever wanted my marriage to work. i started seeing a councelor and have gotten my depression under control. when i would go to his house to drop the kids off, i would hang around, he says he wanted me to leave, but would talk back with me, and it would pretty much be me begging and pleading to get another chance. we would have sex. then i would leave. well the begening of november, some bad news got thrown my way ( i was asking for it ) i got into his e-mail account. turns out he had an EA soon after we separated. told this OW that he loved her and stuff. . it lasted like 2 weeks between then and i over looked it. then i found e-mails from him and his ex. tore me up! he always new that i felt "Compatetion" with her. he would tell her things like "yeah shes loco, she calls me ALL the time trying to get me to come home." i found e-mails between him and his mom. her giving him advice on divorce, and custody ect. (she has been married and divorced 4 times, none of the marriages lasting more than 4 years) his mom always hated me. she has always been dependent on my huband whenever she was in between marriages or relationships and he felt like it was his place to take care of her. after we got married he did an amazing job being a provider and taking care of us, but i still felt his mom was number one. i understand that you are to honor thy mother and father, but i still felt threatned by her, and now i know i had every reason to. when we were together she would call him and after every conversation she would say " you need to come back to me, where you belong" that always pushed my buttons. we had a few heated arguments through e-mails our selves, but we always worked them out and i always bent over back wards giving her another chance. the only thing that she really can say about me is that, when my son was an infant, i wouldn't let him go stay over night with her and her bf. she is an alcholoic and lived 45 mins away!! H would argue with me, while he was on the phone with her, and i tried to tell him that she would see that as him not respecting me, and cause her to do the same. any way when we split she was all over the opp like a volture on road kill. being there all the time, quitting drinking (not really) buying him things for his new house, calling him every day. it sickens me to see the e-mails. have i been perfect this whole time, heck no. i've slept with another man, but i told him about it. i've been grouchy. but my intentions have been the same all along. he knows that i love him and want to work on things. he uses that to his advantage. one day he would tell me that if i could just leave him alone for a while he would come home, he wanted counceling. the next, he hates me, never wants to see me. well on the 6th, he actually came over to my house when i asked him to, the first time in 4 months. he held me and told me he wanted to come home and that he loves me. it was the first time hes said ilu in 5 months. i was shocked/excited/nervous. he said in two weeks, if i could give him his space he would be back. ( turns out he was about to have to move out of his house, and the only option was to move in with 2 other females and a kid) well, the weekend after that, i go over to his house late one night thinking we could hang out and chat (have done it before, the kids are there, and they should be sleeping, right?) well, the two females were there, (they have all known each other for a long time, and are really good friends with his brother) and i got REALLY pissed. said things, and he said in front of them " i never said i was coming home" i tried to go inside his house, and he shoved me back, causing me to fall off the porch. (he didn't purposly hurt me, but the way he shoved me made me fall) bingo, me being the one to try and threat to get what i want, i call the law, try to press charges for DV. didn't work. the deputy told me, in front of him, that since i was on HIS property he could keep me out. ughh. . i went home, completely hurt. then the next day i thought, maybe they were just there with his brother hanging out. i've had guy friends over since we have separated (the kid were there, it was his weekend) so i go back to "drop off" my sons shoes. GIRLS are STILL THERE, they stayed the night, i was so po. hit his truck as i was leaving with a shovel. ( i know i know again) it is marital property. any way i went and got a RO on him, not a NC one, just no DV. the hearing came last wed and it was the first time he had seen me or heard my voice since the events. i had a complete makeover and woke up SUPER early to look as good as possible, he didn't even reconize me. he checked me out, and when i got right next to him he realized it was me and looked away. any way, i did not drop the order, just extended it. and he went and got one on me the next day. saying that i have been harrasing him and his family. up until that weekend when the girls were there i did call him alot. always trying to talk about our problems. but after that i didn't. and i always talked to his family. they always talked back. offered advice. i sent his mom one letter and told her how i was back at my church and wanted to apologize (AGAIN) for everything "I have done to her". she came back with "your grasping on straws, not even god can save you, i will never let H come back to you" . . . so, haven't seen him since the hearing. we have another one on wed for his DV on me. i've talked to him twice about the exchange on the kids. today i called and he had the girl he's living with answer and say he wasn't around. he is trying so hard to hurt me, i don't know why. . he should know im already hurting because i lost him. turns out he has his paid vacation this week, and isn't asking to spend extra time with his kids at all. but he is around this other girls kids all day/night. he tells every one how much he loves his kids, but he only sees/talks to them 24 hours a week. i sent him a text last night and said, what happened to my understanding husband? he text back with "your husband died with your sanity". . .i told you this would be long =) every one tells me to let go and get over him. i agree, but i just can't. i'll think of something else he's done and want totell him about it and message him. he reads but dosen't respond. ignores me at all cost. am i crazy for still wanting this to work? of course his life now is better than the one before, i was depressed, pp and had a 11 month old and a newborn, H worked out of town all the time, and i was extremely hormonal. now he dosen't have to "answer" to anyone, doesn't have to do "Chores" or put the kids to bed. but ihave bettered my self and he still don't want me, but i still say to my self " i have pushed him away, i should have never asked him to leave and he would be with ME right now, i shouldn't have done this or that" why don't he just admit he dosen't want to be married anymore?? and why can't i let go. . . any advice will be appreciated, even if you take the time to read all of this.

 

oh yeah, his MOM has been handling all of his divorce things for him, picking up the paper work, filling it out, everything. it makes me question so much. why can't he be his own person, he's more scared of letting his "friends" down than his kids and wife!!

[Davey McG]

Wow, that's quite a story!

 

Its pretty long too and not divided into paragraphs so people might struggle to read it.

 

The best advice I can offer is to let your husband go and work on yourself. Yes, you pushed him away. Yes, he probably feels free after the emotional roller coaster you've put him through. Yes, he probably does still have feelings for you, but that doesn't mean he'll come back.

 

Trying to force entry into his home (after you threw him out of yours), calling the police when he stopped you and then vandalising his car!?! Hacking into his emails, messaging his mother? Why would he want to go back with you if this is how you act? Get help, get your self some professional and long-term help and let the poor man go. It may hurt considerably, but he's not going to want to come back to you if this is the state you're in.

 

Work on yourself and let him see you're sanity isn't dead and has hope for further revival. Leave him alone and concentrate on fixing yourself.

[flmomma]

yeah, i think i said that in there. but i didn't paragraph it so maybe you didn't see it.

 

guess i was doing more of blaming myself once again. pushing me out of the house was NOT ok. seeing as how every weekend before we would hang out and my kids were over there. he was trying to "show off" in front of his new company.

 

his e-mail was LEFT OPEN at my house, he's done the same to me.

 

 

this story is way more complicated than i can expect any one to understand, shoot, i don't even understand half of it.

 

 

i just wanted to get input as to why he would treat the mother of his children that way. not to say i didn't do anything. but he purposly did things to upset me.

 

i don't know if i put it in there, but his MOTHER wrote me first.