Regret because? and does reason matter?

[michelangelo]

If a spouse who cheated expresses regret, does their reasons for regret make a difference? Does the each having unfinished business with their spouse have a clear path to fixing things? Presuming, of course, their spouse is receptive.

 

Example A. Spouse is caught, says they are sorry they hurt you, swears they didn't mean to hurt you, won't do it again. Can't really explain their actions. When pressed, gets defensive.

 

Example B. spouse is caught, says they are sorry they hurt you, admits they did want to hurt you, but now? Mortified that they had the capacity to inflict such pain on the one they vowed to love faithfully. Wracked with anguished guilt at their sidestepping of their core values to indulge in a self-indulgent attack on their marriage.

 

Example A talks a good line about making it better, going to counseling or reading marriage books. Never really finishes a chapter or contacts a counselor. Something is always more important to do.

 

Example B is paralyzed with their sadness, wants to do the right thing but can't face their fears.

[Trialbyfire]

michelangelo, is your post more directed at spouses who've remained in their marriages?

[michelangelo]

My perspective is of a spouse who stayed, but I don't want to limit commentary.

 

This is more of a running commentary it seems.

 

I'm looking at the differences between people who cheat and are sorry or regretful at harming, but only in reaction to seeing that they hurt their spouse (presuming they have seen it) and people who cheat and then regret that harm but are also sseing their internal disharmony.

[sadintexas]

If a spouse, such in scenario A, does not recognize or admit why the affair happened, then history is likely to repeat itself IMO.

 

You can have all the regret in the world, but if steps aren't taken to fix the problems that lead to the A in the first place, I don't think the marriage can be rebuilt.