In Love with a Friend who has a BF

[xnccx]

I generally don't post on forums like this, but it helps me to write things out. I'll try to write as clearly and as succint as possible to keep everyone from lapsing into a coma.

 

Some Background

 

I started my first job out of college in September 2007. Since then, I've been pretty much alone--living by myself, having few friends at first, etc. In July, I was introduced to a girl at a work happy hour. She had interned with the company I work for and she was hired back this past summer.

 

Since our first meeting in mid-July, we've become closer. At first, she would just come into my office and sit down across from my desk. We'd talk and laugh about pretty much anything. It wasn't long before her visits became more and more frequent.

 

We'd e-mail back and forth while at work, which eventually translated into talking over Gmail's chat. We don't actually work on the same projects, so all our interactions at work are pretty much unrelated to work.

 

I asked her to lunch twice and both times she willingly agreed. Eventually, we started eating lunch together with a two of our friends (a married couple) and have kept the tradition since early August.

 

Our group of friends outside of work consists of me, her, the married couple, and an engaged couple. The six of us are always going to movies, going out to eat, and generally just hanging out.

 

As it is with most groups, it became a little more complicated for the others to commit to plans. This resulted in she and I hanging out by ourselves a lot of the time. Eventually, we were just planning things together. We've gone to dinner and a movie, watched the World Series together, gone to each others' apartments to watch football games on Sundays. We've both cooked dinner for each other on multiple occassions.

 

When we talk on the phone, they were always long coversations. We'd talk late at night and go to sleep right after hanging up. She would text me frequently, sometimes to say "Hi," but also because she saw or heard something that reminded her of me.

 

When I was playing softball a month and a half ago on my friend's (the married guy), she would come to the games and sit with my friend's wife. At first, all 4 of us would drive together, but then it became easier for just she and I to drive there together after work.

 

We also started working out at the gym together on Tuesdays and Thursdays with our 2 engaged friends. Afterwards, the four of us usually go out and eat or stay in and watch a movie.

 

Okay, let me refocus here. Here's when I first started feeling for her.

 

When we first started talking, I didn't really have feelings for her. I started noticing I had feeling about a month in. There was a football BBQ we both went to at our friends' house. We did end up being around each other most of that time.

 

But, before that day, she had come over to my apartment. We ended up watching a really bad Lifetime movie that made us laugh our asses off, but we were going somewhere, so I DVRed it.

 

So, after the football BBQ, she asked if we could go back to my apartment to finish watching the terrible movie. We were both kind of drunk, but my place was only up the street from our friends' house.

 

So, we get back to my place and watch the rest of the movie, but she starts saying she has a really bad headache. I wanted to help her, so I got up off my couch and let her lay down on it. It was pretty late at this point so she was dozing off on my couch. I sat on the floor next to her while she rested and we talked on and off. This lasted for about and hour or so until she said she felt better. I walked her to her car and told her to call me when she got home so I knew she was safe.

 

That was the when I first realized what was happening to me. The next day at work, she told me she wasn't feeling well. A little later, I found out that she wasn't feeling well because she was feeling confused about how she felt about us.

 

I Told Her How I Felt

 

We kept hanging out like usual after that and things were as good as they had always been. But, I noticed myself thinking about her a lot. People at work were starting to think we were dating or talking. Rumors were floating around big time.

 

Then... well, then I found out she had a boyfriend. And not just a boyfriend, but a boyfriend for 2 years. Some guy who went to the college she did. She lives an hour and a half from the college, and she is still there getting his Bachelor's. By the way, the dude is like 26 or 27. She got there after him, graduated, and has already got her Master's.

 

Anyway, I told her how I felt and she pretty much said that she was flattered but that I know her situation, meaning she is in a relationship. Ever since then, we've pretty much been the same as always. We've gone to dinner, movies, watched football games, cooked dinner--all of it.

 

At that point, none of us (our 4 friends) had ever met her boyfriend. That is, until one day after work, he showed up at a happy hour. So there I am, with 3 other couples and the odd guy out. I guess I had gotten so used to being that part of her life when it was the six of us. So this dude is sitting on the other end of the table next to her. Me? I shook his hand and was polite enough, but couldn't help but feel just about every emotion possible.

 

Since that day, it's been up and down for me. She has either made me happy or sad, depending on what is being talked about etc. Every time her boyfriend's name comes up or is mentioned, I fall quiet and turn inside.

 

She always notices when I'm being this way and asks me what's wrong. I feel like I shouldn't even have to say, but I let her know anyway. All I get is an I'm sorry.

 

Recent Events - Changed Everything

 

I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally talked to her and came out with it. I asked her if she had feelings for me at all. After an initial dodging, I closed in with a do you or do you not. She said no.

 

Shattered.

 

That was last Friday. Since then, we haven't spoken to each other. Today is her last day at this company because she got a different job at a different company nearby.

 

I guess my problem is that I just can't imagine that it was just nothing to her the entire time. That it was just a casual thing for her... that nothing we said or did together was anything, more.

 

Sure, I wasn't expecting her to just cut her boyfriend loose for some guy she's only known for a little over 4 months, but to tell me she had absolutely no feelings for me a certain way... I just can't believe it.

 

I don't really know if I have a specific question necessarily. I guess I'm looking for some outside opinions/perspectives. She said she feels like all the nice things I did for her were just some ploy to be with her, and that they weren't because of friendship.

 

Should I just ignore her? We'll end up seeing each other if we're both hanging out with our friends. I know time heals pain and that feelings eventually fade. But the latter usually applies to things like break-ups. This wasn't a break-up, but it really feels like one to me. I feel like we had something and now it's all gone.

 

But, reality is, she said no. Is it just that simple? Time to go? Was our relationship just a matter of convenience with me being 25 minutes away and her boyfriend being and hour and half?

 

I need some insight.

[lazlow99]

I can sympathise with you. The worse thing you can do is go over the questions of why she said what she did, or did what she did. I've done it myself and it doesn't get you anywhere other than being confused and hurt.

 

She must've known you had feelings for her, I'm guessing you were supplying companionship that she wasn't getting from her boyfriend while he was studying. After all that time you spent together she must've had some similar feelings for you, or at least toyed with the idea of dating you, but simply couldn't leave her boyfriend of two years.

 

Trust me, you'll get over her, it just takes time. I've been there. And you'll meet someone else so don't beat yourself too much!

[sscutie]

one of the things you should learn to do is not overthinking things... sometimes when you overproblematize things you tend to create more complications... letting go might be good for you

[wisebutnotperfect]

dude,

a couple of years ago i took a part time job and got to know a really nice lady who was in a similar life stretch as me and we talked alot.. i really felt like we related well. as soon as i worked up the nerve to ask her out she responded by first indicating that we could go out sometime and then being cold and actually kind of snotty. she could not bring herself to just say "no, i don't think so". i saw her the other evening and she wouldn't even speak to me .

anyway, as difficult as it is to accept the fact that she is involved with the other guy and can't move toward you, at least she is being honest and somewhat nice about it. don't press it.. move on.. five years from now your life will be so much different that you will just have good memories of the nice things that you had with her and you will respect her for being honest and not side stepping your advance.