I have abandonment issues, low self esteem, a horrible crushing paranoid insecurity

[ZombieWantBrains]

Hi. I've been looking for help for a while now... I read all the previous posts, and maybe someone can offer me some help? I'm messed up. I KNOW that for a fact. I'm a variety pack of textbook psychological problems... I have abandonment issues (thanks alot, dad!), extremely low self esteem, and worst of all, a horrible crushing paranoid insecurity... I'm worried I might lose the best thing that ever happened to me because of it.

 

I've had a history of bad relationships, and I wear the scars from them like war medals. The first guy I was ever serious about cheated on me with 3 girls at once (one of them as young as 13) and I never saw it coming. Since then, I've been cheated on by everyone I was with (present boyfreind excluded) and it hurts. Alot. You name something that can be bad about a relationship, and I've had it happen (other than physical abuse, thankfully)... I've been cheated on, lied to, used, hurt, tormented, controlled, and damaged... perhaps more than I should have been. I can't seem to let it go. I want to, so bad! I don't know how. My current boyfreind is as close to the perfect man as can be humanly possible. I've had a crush on him since I was 15. He's caring, sweet, compassionate, adorable, and utterly perfect... so I can't understand why I cringe at thoughts of his Ex's. Why the idea of his past brings nearly physical pain, and even less why I become extremely suspicious when I use his computer (like I'm doing now) and see sites like "hotornot" in his history. I despise any female he talks to. I look over his shoulder sometimes when his AIM buddylist window is open... I can't help it. I hate myself sometimes because I want to stop so badly... He doesn't deserve this. He'swonderful. He's all I ever hoped for and so much more. I KNOW he loves me... I KNOW he would never cheat on me or hurt me... why can't I just LET GO?!?!

 

P.S. sorry this is so lengthy!

[usaf718]

Zombie,

 

I know what you mean about not trusting b/c of past relationships. Like you, my previous b/fs had all cheated on me, not to the same extreme in age and quantity, but it leaves it's mark nonetheless. The ex's who cheated always lied about it too, making things up about dead cell phones, flat tires, family visits, and god knows what else. This is probably what's the hardest. What do you do when the new b/f's reason for being late, or busy matches the ex's excuse he used for cheating? This takes alot of balance, b/c trust needs to be earned, but at the same time, he shouldn't get the 3rd degree on behalf of every dirtbag you ever dated. my advice is to keep your eyes open so you don't get hurt. At the same time, analyzing every little thing will get you nowhere. Believe what he tells you till he gives you a reason not to. Keep things in perspective and don't fall too fast too soon.

[Farawayfromyoutoo]

Funny, my sister said this same thing to me a few weeks ago...

 

>>Believe what he tells you till he gives you a reason not to.

 

I know it's hard, but that is what you have to do. Zombie, communicate with him openly about the porn. Don't be afraid to do this. Bottling it up won't help and will make things worse. It WILL drive you insane.

 

A few questions you need to ask yourself...

 

Why do you have low self-esteem? Think about this. This could be problematic for you and you need to spin that around. You need to find some strength. My friend always tells me "Treat them mean, keep them keen". And you know, it kind of works. When I feel all weak and soppy, he pulls away, but if I show him my confidence and how I strong I am, he draws me in more. It works! It is one way to keep a man. A lesson to be learned by all.

 

I don't have any idea about your current boyfriend and I understand how you feel about the abandonment, however with me it may be slightly different in that I feel separation anxiety. People have been telling me all my life, "you'll find someone else, you will fall in love". And every time I think I won't, I do. I am starting to believe them. The point I am trying to make is don't be afraid. Let go a little bit, gain some confidence in yourself. Do whatever it takes, dye your hair, get it cut at a really good salon, change your appearance somehow, however slight, wear nice expensive underwear so you feel sexy, feel good about yourself and allow this to radiate. Then let go a little bit. Trust me, if can you let go a little bit of the fear, you will be better off. How do you let go? Talk to him, openly and honestly. If he isn't willing to communicate and share, then he isn't the one for you. Also, don't try not to think in the terms that he is perfect. No one is and you have to accept his faults (porn, if you can even call it a fault) and accept him for who is he is and love him. Be honest with yourself! I cannot stress this enough! Think about what I am saying here, cause it is the key to your happiness.

 

I am sorry you went through all that you have. I can relate a fair bit to that and my scars are deep and nasty, but I am who I am partly because of my past. You can get through this. Be open and trustworthy. If he is as well-suited as you say he is, then he is worth hanging onto, try to understand him by talking to him. Then you can let go a bit, not hold on so tightly and be comfortable. Those other bf's, they're the fools. Not you! They're the ones tricking you into believing something that is not. But you have to be honest with yourself and keep your eyes open...that doesn't mean be suspicious of everything he does or whatever female he meets. Get some re-assurance from him without being needy. Be brave.

 

Hope this helps a bit.

 

FAFYT

[ZombieWantBrains]

[color=blue][/color] I'd like to thank USAF and Faraway for their advice. I feel a bit better already, but I know it will take time to heal completely. It's nice to know that I have somewhere to vent and get help if I need it.

 

Thanks again!

[worried1]

I too have the same issues and put my wonderful bf through hell every day. I am afraid I'm going to lose him because he is getting fed up with the false accusations and the constant grilling. He manipulates me though into these thoughts and feelings by answering questions flippantly and stumbling over his words. He just did this the other night he went to his moms and it takes about thirty minutes to get ther and he said he would call me. And he never called so two hours later I call him and he says I just got here. So I asked him well where did you go before there and he stays quiet for a few seconds the he says um ah 7-11. So there goes my insecurity again. Why did he have to think about the answer for so long before he said it then I start accusing him of lieing and were in another fight. I hate it. I want to trust and I dont know how. I dont trust anyone I mean no one.

[befuddled1]

worried1,

How can you call your b/f so wonderful? Look at what you wrote:

 

. He manipulates me though into these thoughts and feelings by answering questions flippantly and stumbling over his words. He just did this the other night he went to his moms and it takes about thirty minutes to get ther and he said he would call me. And he never called so two hours later I call him and he says I just got here. So I asked him well where did you go before there and he stays quiet for a few seconds the he says um ah 7-11. So there goes my insecurity again.

 

How in the heck can someone who "manipulates" you into these types of thoughts be all that wonderful? From the situation you described above, I'd say your b/f is rude, completely aware of the "game" he's playing, and inconsiderate. It would almost appear that he gets some kind of sick thrill be screwing with your head like this.

 

Of COURSE the above scenario would raise suspicions, it would with anyone. This doesn't make you "insecure"....if anything, it means you're not a fool and that you're really quite sharp.

 

Of COURSE he lied to you: if it would only take him 30 minutes to get there, and he TOLD YOU he would call you (and didn't, that's just rude), but you call him after 2 hrs and he says he "just got there" and you acknowledge, indirectly that he obviously went somewhere first and he gives you the BS story that he went to a convenience store (what, he spent 1.5 hours there?) first, which is why it took him so long to arrive?

 

That my girl, is a red flag. THAT is something to take notice of. Do these kinds of scenarious occur often? If so, instead of labelling yourself as "insecure" and having issues with trusting him (based on your own insecurities_, perhaps the actually truth is that there IS SOME TRUTH to your suspicions and insecurities??

 

Did you know that men who control women do it also by screwing with their heads and purposely sparking their insecurities?

 

Does he go around telling you you're insecure or untrusting or paranoid? Lots of liars and cheats do this sort of thing, to try and make their partners think SHE is crazy, or the one with the problem. You sure that's not the situation here? Before you continue being so hard on yourself, maybe you need to stand back and take a good hard look at this wonderful boyfriend of yours?