4 hours to decide next move

[pleasejustdont]

I'm too paranoid to post my whole story on this board, but I wonder if you all can give me some insight. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this, and I'm suffering more than I ever have in my life.

 

We fell for each other fast. Made each other very happy. Talked about being together. Never said love, but we felt it. Texted constantly and had two hotel meetings. He separated from his wife 3 weeks into it (he was unhappy before me, and I never presured him to do that.). He then had pressure from everyone to go through counseling and felt like he needed to establish a relationship with his 2 y/o who didn't see him much while he worked 60 hr weeks (his wife was stay at home until just before they separated). We decided to split and give our marriages a real try, but that hurt me more then I predicted. (I've never done this before, but he has once a few years ago.) I told him we could make things work. I told him I missed him too much. I told him if he waited too long to end things. I was too attached to him and detatched from my husband, and he said this is what he's decided. I told him he's an *******, and I hate him. And I haven't spoken to him since. That was 3 weeks ago. Even when he talked to me at work asking for a copy of something or if we've updated our numbers, I didn't look at him or communicate more than nodding. I know this hurt him. I know he was hurting then. So now we haven't worked together in 13 days, and I just saw last night that he has altered his schedule to not work in the same area as me tonight and to not work the same days as me next week (we had 3 together, now none).

 

I feel like I did three weeks ago when I made him admit that he didn't want to be with me. I feel like I'm at square one. I want to know why he changed his schedule. How could he not want to see me? I don't want to talk to him if we can't be together (bc it's different and painful), but I feel better knowing he's in the building.

 

I should mention we were both completely honest with each other (decent people aside from all this), and that I've never loved anyone before my husband so this is my first heartbreak. I'm having a really hard time, and I just want him to tell him it hurts him as much as it does me. I want him to still want me.

 

So, the question is: How should I act tonight to make him want me? What should I do to make him unable to get over me? OR how should I act to hurt him the most?

 

I realize this is not the right thing to do, or the most healthy approach, but will you humor me and tell me from your experiences how the other person acted to make you want them more?

 

I can stay in my area, or I can switch with the someone and spend the shift in the same area as him, but it's going to be hard pulling off the cold shoulder when I opted to be near him. But I want to be near him...but I want the upper hand too.

 

Thank you all for your time.

 

**I realize this whole thing was wrong. I'm ashamed even as I type. I have learned my lesson. If you're wanting someone else badly enough to risk your current relationship, it's time to leave the one you're with or address your issues and fix it. Cheating ruins two relationships.**

[2sure]

He is making an effort to make his marriage work. He has chosen to eliminate you as much as possible for the sake of his wife and children. He cared about you, but has made a choice.

 

As you said, you know what you are doing is wrong regarding your own marriage and husband.

 

You have been scorned by the OM and want to hurt him or win him back.

This is called being a Bunny Burner and you are edging very very close for someone who says they are otherwise a decent person.

[noforgiveness]

You want him to want you? Go home now and pack your bags. Tell your husband you re leaving and why. Then when you see this man tell him you have left your husband and told your husband the truth for him. He will realize you were willing to sacrifice your family for him and will know how much you love him. Try it. I think it will work wonders.

[bentnotbroken]

You sound like you are in junior high instead of a grown woman. Get a grip, and let your husband go. Then go tell his wife you want her husband, then take it from there. If you are woman enough to cheat, be woman enough to be upfront.

[Trimmer]

**I realize this whole thing was wrong. I'm ashamed even as I type. I have learned my lesson. If you're wanting someone else badly enough to risk your current relationship, it's time to leave the one you're with or address your issues and fix it. Cheating ruins two relationships.**

I can't add a lot more than this. I'm glad you came to this realization, because your questions were starting to sound a lot like obsession - how to keep him close but hurt him, make him want you, but deny him...

 

You are probably best served by getting yourself straightened out, and working on your own emotional stability before trying to manipulate anyone else's.

 

I should mention we were both completely honest with each other (decent people aside from all this), and that I've never loved anyone before my husband so this is my first heartbreak.

You can call yourself honest and decent when you are honest and decent with all those around you, including those closest to you. Somehow "honest and decent... except for that little matter of betraying my husband" doesn't come off as being quite completely credible.

[whichwayisup]

First things first. Settle your own personal life first before going ahead with this MM. Your husband deserves to have a life with a loving and faithful wife - So reguardless of what your MM does or doesn't do, you STILL need to divorce your husband. Maybe you need to be alone for a while..

[norajane]

So, the question is: How should I act tonight to make him want me? What should I do to make him unable to get over me? OR how should I act to hurt him the most?

 

I want the upper hand too.

 

You can't. Because of this:

I made him admit that he didn't want to be with me.

 

If he doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make him want you, and there's nothing you can do to gain the upper hand, and there's nothing you can do to hurt him, not really.

 

**I realize this whole thing was wrong. I'm ashamed even as I type. I have learned my lesson. If you're wanting someone else badly enough to risk your current relationship, it's time to leave the one you're with or address your issues and fix it. Cheating ruins two relationships.**

 

Have you learned a lesson? If you're still with your husband and you're still wanting to get this MM to be yours, then no, you haven't learned it.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

You need to do one thing, and WhichWayIsUp nailed it. You need to be alone.

Your marriage is over. So leave it. But do not pursue your MM. Take some time, maybe find a good IC, and spend time with yourself.

 

And forget the childish plans you are making with the OM...

[pleasejustdont]

I appreciate your responses.

 

I felt better the second I posted (more stable, that is). The pack your bags one actually made me laugh (at myself really, but still laughing).

 

I never thought I'd be in this situation, but I'm really going to try to do what I can to fix things.

 

I'm proud of him for wanting to fix his family. I said it all along; I just wasn't aware of how much I'd miss him when he did. It hurts to think it's easy for him when I'm suffering so, but I know it is hard for him and he has more strength from experience to do things I can't like switch his schedule. I realized earlier he switched his schedule because he's actually trying to heal, not like me ignoring him just to hurt him.

 

I'll get to where he is emotionally. He always seemed a step ahead of me in that way.

 

Thank ya'll again.

[lkjh]

If I read this right you are his second affair. He was never that into you he just wanted some action on the side. He switch shifts because you are acting weird and hes worried about it escalating and others may notice. Get over it because he isn't going to chase after you. You need to divorce your H so he can finds someone worth spending the rest of his life with.

[Trimmer]

I just want to amplify what the poster above pointed out:

(I've never done this before, but he has once a few years ago.)

So this is his second time, then.

 

I'm proud of him for wanting to fix his family. I said it all along; I just wasn't aware of how much I'd miss him when he did. It hurts to think it's easy for him when I'm suffering so, but I know it is hard for him and he has more strength from experience to do things I can't like switch his schedule.

Do you realize the implication of this statement? You are saying that he is getting experienced at having affairs and dealing with the emotional damage they cause. Are you proud of him for that? Do you see that as an admirable "strength?"

 

I'll get to where he is emotionally. He always seemed a step ahead of me in that way.

Again, given that he now has a second affair under his belt, I'd recommend you set your sights a little bit higher than to follow in his footsteps. You seem to admire his strength and emotional resilience, when you see it from the perspective of breaking off his affair with you. I know you need to see your relationship with him as something special, and it's near impossible for you to see it more objectively, but when I look at the big picture, I have to wonder if this is affair #2 of ? ? ? ? ? From that perspective, he doesn't seem so strong or admirable.

 

Aspire to something better. Stop at one.

[Owl]

Why NOT leave your husband?

 

Why not make yourself available FIRST, and THEN see where things are with MM?

 

If you feel the way that you do...then do as has been suggested. Pack your bags, tell your H it's over, file for divorce, and walk out the door.

 

THEN see where things are with MM.

 

Why NOT do this? Right now...today. Seriously, this isn't a 'trick question'...but if this is how you feel, and you're no longer "attached" to your H...then both you and your H deserve to be free.

 

Just do it...there is NOTHING stopping you from doing this.