Why does it always come down to being the BS's fault?

[marriedandsad]

I didn't want to hijack another thread about this. But a few have my head sort of spinning. Their spouse "let's themself go" or some other reason, so it seems like justification for an affair. Is that really a valid reason? I know when I am depressed I gain wait. I am currently battling a 4 year weight gain that added 170 pounds onto me because I ate carelessly and used food to comfort me, plus I had no motivation to excersize. Now I'm paying for it. If my husband had decided that I had let myself go therefore that gave him a free pass to go wrestle with a skinnier, sexier woman, I don't know what I would do. Why does the resolution to the issues always seem to fall onto the bs's shoulders? People say they give and give...but what if they aren't giving the right things? Cooking a meal and doing the laundry is great, I know, but what about date nights and going for walks together? The emotional needs are just as strong if not stronger than the domestic needs. I'm just confused. Since I have started reading these threads, I have seen a whole new world I really didn't know existed. I just find it hard to justify cheating on a spouse by blaming the bs for their weight, appearance, you name it.

 

Is weight, appearance...is that REALLY a valid reason for some people to cheat in their minds? Does the fixing really fall onto the BS's shoulders because the cheating spouse is truly the victim in all this? Or is it just a copout to make people feel better about what they are doing?

[tft]

The OW may think that they are a better catch, for whatever reason, than the BS. This may be because they are looks oriented, or because the WS tells them things lacking from the BS (physical or emotional) and the OW believes this.

 

It is never the BS fault (abusive relationships are somewhat different though). The person who loves him, cleans his underwear, cooks his food and looks after his children is the innocent party.

 

Some people compare themselves to the BS in order to make themselves feel validated in some respect.

 

In my experience, as ashamed as I am in my role as the OW, our A was not the fault of the BS. Its mine and His. You cannot force a man to cheat, or a woman to cheat with him.

 

There is another thread(s) on here somewhere about the reasons for cheating, it makes an interesting read.

[greengoddess]

There is no excuse for cheating. They need to leave first if they are so unhappy. They need to address and finish their marriage first.

 

But honestly 170 pounds in 4 years? I almost consider that fraud. Going into the marriage as one thing and then you are something else entirely. I am sure the weight gain wasn't the only changes you made. People have entire personality changes when they gain that much weight. You can not possibly be the same woman your husband married appearance wise, sexual wants, energy level, desire to go out and do fun things even ability to do things ex roller coasters.

 

I am not saying this to be mean or cruel but your husband married one woman and got another.

[jj33]

Why buy into that? Its not the BSs fault its simply how some people choose to handle their dissatifaction with their marriage.

 

You may read there that its the BSs fault but that is in many cases just OW who parrot what the MM tells them. Yes many people are in less than desirable marriages but that is true even for people who dont cheat. And if the BS was really THAT awful in most cases the WS would simply leave.

 

Have you sought counseling to deal with the issues behind the weight gain. It can be difficult to break the cycle and start when it feels like you have a lot of weight to lose. I gained a smaller amount of weight in the past year but its all relative so I understand to some degree how daunting it can be.

 

And with regard to the weight issue people love you for you. Its clear there is something going on either you are depressed or something else and no not everyone is that looks oriented. But for your health if nothing else its something that needs attention. But I am sure you know that.

[Mino]

Why buy into that? Its not the BSs fault its simply how some people choose to handle their dissatifaction with their marriage.

 

You may read there that its the BSs fault but that is in many cases just OW who parrot what the MM tells them. Yes many people are in less than desirable marriages but that is true even for people who dont cheat. And if the BS was really THAT awful in most cases the WS would simply leave.

 

Have you sought counseling to deal with the issues behind the weight gain. It can be difficult to break the cycle and start when it feels like you have a lot of weight to lose. I gained a smaller amount of weight in the past year but its all relative so I understand to some degree how daunting it can be.

 

And with regard to the weight issue people love you for you. Its clear there is something going on either you are depressed or something else and no not everyone is that looks oriented. But for your health if nothing else its something that needs attention. But I am sure you know that.

Its really not that simple to JUST leave, ever have a ball and chain around your ankle??? Not literally, but all that comes with a D. I believe half of these M do end up divorcing, but I sure dont think it was just that simple

[Reggie]

Yeah, it's very simple to divorce, Mino. You need to get out of that time warp.

As for the responsibility for the affair, it's all on the cheaters. Divorce, counseling, communicating, seperation are so readily available that there is no justification.

[jj33]

Mino I never said it was easy. And I dont know if you were famililar with my situation but I know well the considerations that can keep someone married when in an ideal world they would cut the cord.

 

However its never the BS's fault that the WS cheats. Perahps its a choice of evils so to speak, but it is nonetheless a choice on the part of the WS.

 

Its an understandable choice in some cases but the "I stayed for the children" etc etc etc is real rubbish in my view. There wouldnt be a 50% divorce rate or whatever it is if people didnt leave when they had young children.

 

As a friend of mine once said cheating is the coward's way out - or sometimes the selfish person's way out. Very very few situations in which the circumstances are so extenutating that divorce is not possible. Its always painful but its possible.

 

Edited to add - most of the time its finances and I quite understand why someone wouldnt want to go into financial ruin to get away from a loveless marriage but it is nonetheless a choice. They have chosen finances over freedom to pursue other relationships.

[Ronni_W]

I do agree 100% -- divorce (with or without adultery as part of the equation) is definitely not that simple.

But perhaps it ought not to be "that simple" to just have an affair, instead of resolving the marital problems or getting out of the marriage?

 

The decision to divorce takes one huge truckload of courage, and then to actually go through with it needs ten times more.

 

The figurative "ball and chain" is the BS excuse of those who can't find their courage to be fair and honest with their marital partner. And "I'm having an affair because my spouse has become this, or stopped being that," is also just a BS attempt to mitigate guilt and self-loathing.

 

As JJ says, when people are unhappy enough it is on them to do what is needed to rediscover their happiness -- and they can choose to do that honestly and openly, without using a vulnerable 3rd party to try to fill the voids that they're feeling in one or more areas of their own life.

 

It is a 100% choice by the self, so 100% self-responsibility must be taken.

[OWoman]

Yeah, it's very simple to divorce, Mino. You need to get out of that time warp.

 

Having now lived through this a couple of times, from different sides, I'd say it depends on where you live and the circumstances.

 

For me, D was very simple. It was quick, easy, painless - albeit expensive.

 

Where I am now, in the UK, it's neither quick nor easy and it's certainly not painless - and remains very expensive. And that's a "quicky" D.

 

Even Madonna and Guy Ritchie, supposedly so 'quick', took more than 6 months in the making and it's not even over yet, as they've only read the decree nisi.

 

Where people have kids, have long term Ms and own property together, or have other complex financial or business arrangements, it can be very complex - just on the logistical side. The emotional unwroughting can be something else entirely. Even if one person - the unhappy one, who would "cheat" - is done with the M, that's no guarantee the other person is, and they may resort to all kinds of tactics to keep the M intact, making the D even harder.

 

There may be some people who are bitter or hard-hearted enough to walk away from a begging spouse they once loved, shutting the door forever on any kind of tenderness, but I imagine that for most it's simply not that easy.

[Holding-On]

Well you are on the OW/OM board. This is an area for their support. So here you may see often a reaction against the notion of BS as angelic.

 

If you go to a BS support board, it will seem as though after an affair a bad marriage is always the WS fault no matter the circumstances. On those boards some WS bashing is to be expected.

 

We have hashed this out several times on this forum and the infidelity one.

Basically, you are technically correct, only the WS can walk over the marriage line to an affair.

That grey line is quite a fuzzy one and varies by marriage.

[wildsoul]

It's not true that the blame "always" lands on the BS! Oh my gosh, no.

 

In my case, my MM has never said anything bad about her at all. Similar to my own former marriage, where the person is good but the M is dead, it's actually made it harder for him to leave. He knows that the responsibility is on him, he's the one that wants out, he's the one that cheated. She is innocent as it relates to his affair. (And for the record, she is actually thinner than me.)

 

I'm sorry you've been cheated on. That's a painful experience to deal with on top of whatever has been causing you to gain all that weight.

 

When I got married, I weighed 135lbs. Then with the stresses of my M and so forth, I started drinking more wine and eating too much to comfort myself. I gained 15lbs, which is enough to make me feel UN-sexy, unconfident, and hate the way I look in photos. I think any of us women who tend to gain, rather than lose weight when we're stressed understand how you feel. As I was gaining, I rationalized that I didn't have the energy to stay on top of my fitness/dieting while so stressed. Indeed, I was letting "myself go." I've managed to stop the gaining, but still don't have the consistent energy and focus it takes to lose.

 

BTW, this story gets right to the point. When I was getting ready to end my M, I had the good fortune of reconnecting with friends I hadn't seen in a dozen years. I was very embarrassed over my weight gain, and sheepishly admitted it to one of my guy friends who must have been surprised at my change in looks. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Oh, you've just been gaining weight because you're unhappy." So matter of fact! I felt exposed, as he didn't know that indeed, I was unhappy. Yet somehow that comment catalysed me to address the cause of my unhappiness in a new way.

 

You need to accept that your weight gain is a serious problem for YOU. It's a coping strategy gone very wrong. There's no getting around the fact that now you've got to get that weight back off and also deal with whatever caused you to gain it. It's a hard task, but it is what it is.

 

It's painful, but it seems to me that your unhealthy coping mechanism of gaining weight triggered your H's unhealthy mechanism of having an A.

 

Don't get sidetracked with wondering how your H's cheating dynamic works. I think your energy would be better spent on addressing your weight loss. As you do so, all the unhappiness underneath the fat will come up for your review and you'll heal it. And if you need to get away from him so you can focus on you, then do it. Stop cheating yourself.

[OWoman]

Is weight, appearance...is that REALLY a valid reason for some people to cheat in their minds? Does the fixing really fall onto the BS's shoulders because the cheating spouse is truly the victim in all this? Or is it just a copout to make people feel better about what they are doing?

 

I think it's one of those "it depends" situations. I can very well understand someone - either H or W - getting turned off because their S morphs into someone else under their eyes. However, if the R is solid, this should be something that can be discussed - constructively, and supportively, as one would discuss the impact of ED or diabetes. If there is an underlying issue, like depression, that would need to be surfaced and addressed. As a couple / family. Ignoring it simply drives it underground until it becomes One Of Those Things that drive people apart.

 

If, however, attempts to discuss / resolve the issue have been met with no reciprocity or with outright hostility by the "let go" spouse - and there are a host of threads on the "marriage and life partnerships" board illustrating such cases - then the turned off spouse will start to feel aggrieved. And, if that lack of reciprocity continues, may well check out emotionally and either wander sexually or simply detach. And then, they may well later blame the BS, feeling that they did their damndest to salvage the M but the BS wasn't interested.

 

There are all kinds of permutations. In some cases, yes, it is just an excuse. But in others it's probably a soul cry of desperation for acknowledgement of their own physical (and emotional) needs.

[Trialbyfire]

marriedandsad, it's up to you whether you allow someone else to define your happiness for you. If your spouse is cheating "because of your weight", I wouldn't buy into it. He's cheating for all kinds of reasons and your weight is an excuse. You do have to ask yourself if you married a shallow man. If the answer is yes, then you have to ask yourself why you settled for someone shallow.

 

Having said all that, you do have the power to lose the extra weight, if only for your personal and emotional health. Love yourself enough that you're going to do whatever it takes to make "YOU" feel great. Your spouse is moot in this equation. He's responsible for his own ineptitude.

 

Once someone cheats, they remove themselves from the marriage. It's time to remove yourself from the marriage and use that energy to focus on self. It doesn't mean you have to leave the marriage, if that's not what you want. It just means that you need to take care of you and if you have any children, take care of them. In other words, take care of the people who matter and are worth caring about.

[frannie]

The OW may think that they are a better catch, for whatever reason, than the BS. This may be because they are looks oriented, or because the WS tells them things lacking from the BS (physical or emotional) and the OW believes this.

 

It is never the BS fault (abusive relationships are somewhat different though). The person who loves him, cleans his underwear, cooks his food and looks after his children is the innocent party.

 

Some people compare themselves to the BS in order to make themselves feel validated in some respect.

 

But I think the OP was talking about another thread (or two) in which it was the WS talking amongst themselves about how their spouse was overweight and no longer 'sexy' or attractive to them that, in part, led them to cheat. I.e. it wasn't the OW making a comparison. Nor was it the OW listening to excuses on the part of the WS.

 

Actually, I think both WSs were female too, if that makes any difference.

 

I didn't want to hijack another thread about this. But a few have my head sort of spinning. Their spouse "let's themself go" or some other reason, so it seems like justification for an affair. Is that really a valid reason?

 

Is weight, appearance...is that REALLY a valid reason for some people to cheat in their minds? Does the fixing really fall onto the BS's shoulders because the cheating spouse is truly the victim in all this? Or is it just a copout to make people feel better about what they are doing?

 

Personally yes, I think it's a valid reason for someone to cheat, I mean, two people on here have said it's (at least partly) the reason they cheated, and they are talking about their personal experiences, so I'd say it was valid. I'd also say, 'because I damned well wanted to' is a valid reason to cheat, if that's how the person felt. (hear me out!)

 

But you're asking, I think (?), is it a reasonable justification for cheating, which is a completely different thing. Personally, I don't think anything is a justification for cheating. I think cheating is wrong, I think it's pretty stupid, and it's nothing but disrespectful to every person you involved in it (BS and OP). But that's just my personal opinion.

 

However, I wanted to respond to the thread because I think the two questions are often run together as if they're the same thing. People tell you all the time the reasons they cheated, and yes, if you want to address those I think it's good to know, because you might be able to prevent possible cheating. So in this case, its good to know that your spouse might be tempted to cheat on you if you stopped making yourself attractive to them.

 

Does that mean you HAVE to keep yourself attractive? Does it mean that if you don't it's your FAULT they cheated? No. It's entirely up to you (not you personally, but 'one') how big you get or how often you shower (or whatever). And still, the person cheating has no excuse, and it's not your fault, and it's all, 100% down to them what they do (cheat or not) in the final analysis.

[frannie]

As a friend of mine once said cheating is the coward's way out - or sometimes the selfish person's way out. Very very few situations in which the circumstances are so extenutating that divorce is not possible. Its always painful but its possible.

 

But on the other side of that, how many times do you read/hear that a man divorcing or 'leaving' or even 'abandoning' (!) his W and children is being selfish and cowardly?

 

I mean, he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, by certain sections of the public at least. That's not making excuses for cheating, just looking realistically at the 'selfish man' label.

[jwi71]

Personally yes, I think it's a valid reason for someone to cheat, I mean, two people on here have said it's (at least partly) the reason they cheated, and they are talking about their personal experiences, so I'd say it was valid. I'd also say, 'because I damned well wanted to' is a valid reason to cheat, if that's how the person felt. (hear me out!)

 

No, its not a valid reason. There are no valid reasons.

If you are dissatisfied with your spouse's weight or odor or shaving or whatever then talk to her. Let them know. To say that I cheated because my spouse got fat and thus unattractive is an excuse - and a flimsy one. Talk to him/her. Help. Diet and exercise. Do it together. Go for gastric bypass. There are many other acceptable options to fix the issue.

 

And if you make a real and true effort to help the spouse understand your dissatisfaction and he/she still will not change - there ya go. Time to end the marriage. Or accept the new dynamic.

 

But don't cheat. There is no excuse for it. Period.

[Reggie]

But on the other side of that, how many times do you read/hear that a man divorcing or 'leaving' or even 'abandoning' (!) his W and children is being selfish and cowardly?

 

I mean, he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, by certain sections of the public at least. That's not making excuses for cheating, just looking realistically at the 'selfish man' label.

 

Depends on whether the divorcing spouse has attempted to address his or her issues with the marriage before pulling the D trigger. It matters not what folks not privy to the situation think about justification for divorcing. But, I would want to have at least tried to fix things first.

As for it being simple, I think it is, but that is all relative. I mean, for the most part, the man has little shot at primary custody, absent extreme circumstances. So, that is not usually a big bone of contention,

The rest is accounting, which can get expensive. But, relative to leading a double life, it's simple. It certainly is more honest,

[frannie]

No, its not a valid reason. There are no valid reasons.

If you are dissatisfied with your spouse's weight or odor or shaving or whatever then talk to her. Let them know. To say that I cheated because my spouse got fat and thus unattractive is an excuse - and a flimsy one. Talk to him/her. Help. Diet and exercise. Do it together. Go for gastric bypass. There are many other acceptable options to fix the issue.

 

And if you make a real and true effort to help the spouse understand your dissatisfaction and he/she still will not change - there ya go. Time to end the marriage. Or accept the new dynamic.

 

But don't cheat. There is no excuse for it. Period.

 

Hm. Yes, that's what I said in the rest of my post, which you snipped. But that's fine. I was pointing out the difference between reasons and justifications.

 

There is NO excuse for cheating. Period. There are, however, reasons for it.

[frannie]

... relative to leading a double life, it's simple. It certainly is more honest,

 

I agree. I personally don't think there's anything selfish about getting a divorce. But I'm not the one throwing stones at men 'abandoning their families'.

 

The fact is, that you can't please all of the people all of the time.

[jj33]

Frannie I agree with you it can seem like a no win situation. Its an issue of personal responsibility. If you marry and have children you are taking on certain responsibilities. If you really believe in the death til us part portion of the vows, then you are taking on a huge responsibility which in some jurisdictions and depending on the length of the marriage can be very expensive. Then there is the issue of children.

 

But once someone has taken on these obligations and they find themselves in a position where they are unhappy what do they do? Can they get out? Can they afford to get out? Will they be tarred and feathered no matter which road they choose? In some situations yes.

 

I dont think there is one answer. But maybe some people need to think harder about their choices and their expectations when they enter marriage. I think its naive these days to expect marriage to last forever. Sometimes it does but equally often it doesnt. I dont think there is one answer.

[jwi71]

Hm. Yes, that's what I said in the rest of my post, which you snipped. But that's fine. I was pointing out the difference between reasons and justifications.

 

There is NO excuse for cheating. Period. There are, however, reasons for it.

 

ACK! You are right. I did in fact understand your view. And my post certainly didn't come across right I can see how that reads now. That perfect hindsight.

 

I was in fact trying to support your position. Sorry about that.

[Lizzie60]

Yes I would totally blame the BS for letting him/herself go. It's the same for men AND women...

 

When you get married.. most people are in good shape.. fit and attractive.. then, for some reason, they let themselves go.. they think it's OK since they're 'married' .. they take their spouse for granted.. then they're surprised when their spouse is cheating.. and/or looking for sexier partner..

[Trialbyfire]

I can only laugh at people who aren't even close to being body perfect, making nasty comments about others' appearances.

[Reggie]

I can only laugh at people who aren't even close to being body perfect, making nasty comments about others' appearances.

 

Yes, those of us that are body perfect refrain from this. So, the less fortunate should, as well.

[sadintexas]

Since the OP used weight as an example, I will continue with that theme. I think it is unrealistic to expect someone to love you no matter what. It's ideal, but it denies that people have individual feelings and needs.

 

I've been reading on Marriage Builders and they talk about the emotional needs of the spouses and how detrimental it can be when those needs aren't met. Weight gain may be superficial in some people's eyes, and be very significant to others. Now, that doesn't mean that the other spouse can justify cheating, but it does make it a lot easier for the spouse to disconnect and look elsewhere if this is bothersome to him/her. So in that sense, yes the person who gained the weight is responsible for not meeting an emotional need of his/her spouse, and contributes to the marital problems.

 

You need to look at everything that also goes with that weight gain. Not only is it physically unattractive (to me anyway) but I can't help but attribute a quality of laziness and lack of care and selfishness to that! If someone is overeating because they're unhappy, they have a responsibility to themselves to get it straightened out. They have a responsibility to their children to get it straightened out, lest they have an unhappy, unhealthy parent as a role model. You don't gain that kind of weight overnight, so it's a problem that was ignored for a long time.