Why does it always come down to being the BS's fault?

[joybean72]

Gee...in a "perfect world"...none of us could ever gain a pound....get a wrinkle...lose hair...have an attitude....(or worse!)...Lose a limb, or even develop a life threatening illness that may take it's toll on our bodies.... I find A LOT of these answers very shallow personally.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, those of us that are body perfect refrain from this. So, the less fortunate should, as well.

On a comparison basis from some of the pics posted here, so true!

 

Realistically speaking, there will always be someone with a lesser or better body. Is marriage all about what you look like? Is it realistic to want your spouse to look like she did 10 - 20 years ago? Also, does the cheater look like what he/she looked like 10 - 20 years ago? I think not!

 

Well, straight up, it bothers me that people who aren't picture perfect, who are affair partners displaying predatory behaviours, want to point the finger at the betrayed spouse as to the dissolution of the marriage for whatever reasons, ridiculous, superficial, whatever, when their information is from a known liar and cheater. This always completely floors me. I mean seriously, how much honest information are you getting from someone who lies almost as an occupation, considering how much they need to lie throughout the affair.

[Reggie]

Gee...in a "perfect world"...none of us could ever gain a pound....get a wrinkle...lose hair...have an attitude....(or worse!)...Lose a limb, or even develop a life threatening illness that may take it's toll on our bodies.... I find A LOT of these answers very shallow personally.

 

Got that Dorian Grey thing going on in my closet.

[herenow]

When I found out that my H was having an affair I automatically thought it was my fault. My mind went right to that place of "what did I do to make him do this?".

 

I now know that his affair was all about him. Not the OW or me or how we look, it was 100% all about him. My H told me the truth and took responsibility for his actions. He never blamed me or the OW. It still took many hours of MC before I understood that there was nothing I could have done to stop him. I also know that there was nothing special about the OW except for the fact that she was willing to have sex with a MM.

 

He told me that he didn't want to see her faults because that would have made it impossible for him to ignore his own faults. Once he faced his issues and we both worked to understand why the affair happened, we were able to rebuild a stronger and happier marriage.

 

IMO an affair is about the cheater and what he or she is missing in themselves and not about the BS or the OW.

[raspberries]

As the OW from a few situations, at no point have I ever put any blame at all on the BS. And to be completely honest, none of the MM have ever done that either. I am also willing to take some blame, as I should have not let the friendships go where they did. One of the MM was in an open marriage, and took the view point that there isn't such a thing as "the one", but that there is more than just one person out there for each individual.

 

Also, as the main trend for cheating "reasoning" in this thread is that the W "let themselves go". This is definately not the case all the time. I am far from being tall, skinny, or eye catching. These W's have been thin, and pretty. I've often wondered "why me", when these men have such beautiful women to go home to.

[bentnotbroken]

I think I look pretty damn good. I have always taken care of myself physically. I actually enjoy the activity, so for me it isn't hard to stay in physical shape. Mr. Messy on the other hand let himself go, got a pot belly, receding hair line, rough dry skin and it didn't matter I loved him and his abusing ways. Yet he found someone who was more like him, low standards, fake persona and less than perfect body. Their A wasn't about me or her BS. It was about them and whatever was lacking in their character. That's all, nothing else.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Because no one in a married is innocent. Two people are responsible for the marriage problems.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

No, its not a valid reason. There are no valid reasons.

If you are dissatisfied with your spouse's weight or odor or shaving or whatever then talk to her. Let them know. To say that I cheated because my spouse got fat and thus unattractive is an excuse - and a flimsy one. Talk to him/her. Help. Diet and exercise. Do it together. Go for gastric bypass. There are many other acceptable options to fix the issue.

 

And if you make a real and true effort to help the spouse understand your dissatisfaction and he/she still will not change - there ya go. Time to end the marriage. Or accept the new dynamic.

 

But don't cheat. There is no excuse for it. Period.

 

I know a man that got gastric bypass and his wife cares less for him. He changed himself so much physically and over the years mentally that there is no attraction whatsoever in the relationship.

 

He thought he would look good (and he doesn't); now he is even more angry because the weight was not his real problem. The real problem is that he has real problems that he will not face. So, he's angry and bitter towards his wife. Complains that she will not have sex with him while she tells him that they don't have sex because he's mean.

 

Emotional blackmail.

 

If the marriage is dead then bury it.

[Trialbyfire]

Because no one in a married is innocent. Two people are responsible for the marriage problems.

So are you suggesting that I'm partially responsible for my ex-spouse's diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder? While no doubt I'm responsible for accepting the proposal of a retard, that's as far as I'm willing to go...

[Woggle]

Cheaters have a complete lack of accountability and blame the rest of the world when life is not the dream they thought it would be. They thought that marriage would be a 24/7 fantasy and when they find out that has it's ups and downs like everything else under the sun they became disenchanted and think this gives them the right to cheat.

[Adunaphel]

I am under the impression that men who justify their cheating by blaming it on the BS's looks are also the ones who are quicker to drop the OW once the affair is discovered because they have no intention of leaving their partner.

If it was really about looks (or about the BS letting him/herself go), they would not have gotten married in the first place, or they would be divorcing.

But it is not about looks, it is about feeling entitled to cheat.

[RecordProducer]

I didn't want to hijack another thread about this. But a few have my head sort of spinning. Their spouse "let's themself go" or some other reason, so it seems like justification for an affair. Is that really a valid reason? I know when I am depressed I gain wait. I am currently battling a 4 year weight gain that added 170 pounds onto me because I ate carelessly and used food to comfort me, plus I had no motivation to excersize. Now I'm paying for it. If my husband had decided that I had let myself go therefore that gave him a free pass to go wrestle with a skinnier, sexier woman, I don't know what I would do. Why does the resolution to the issues always seem to fall onto the bs's shoulders? People say they give and give...but what if they aren't giving the right things? Cooking a meal and doing the laundry is great, I know, but what about date nights and going for walks together? The emotional needs are just as strong if not stronger than the domestic needs. I'm just confused. Since I have started reading these threads, I have seen a whole new world I really didn't know existed. I just find it hard to justify cheating on a spouse by blaming the bs for their weight, appearance, you name it.

 

Is weight, appearance...is that REALLY a valid reason for some people to cheat in their minds? Does the fixing really fall onto the BS's shoulders because the cheating spouse is truly the victim in all this? Or is it just a copout to make people feel better about what they are doing?

Because love is merciless - not merciful. By its nature. Our partners don't love us if we're not good enough (whatever their criteria). Also, letting oneself become unattractive in ANY way (drinking, gaining weight, etc.) is showing weakness. Your spouse isn't your social worker - they want to see a strong, sexy person. Some do, some don't. But they all dream of the perfect woman.

 

Finally, they go for the woman who doesn't really want/need them. The more you are falling apart, the needer you appear to them. When you gained 170 lbs because HE made you feel bad, you showed him that he can control your self-esteem, your life, your feeling of self. You showed him that you had no self-respect if you could do it to yourself (apart from excessive weight being unattractive unless he specifically likes overweight women).

 

I understand your spouse hasn't cheated on you, but do you really think that gaining 170 lbs (is it from 130 to 300 lbs?) during the marriage should not matter? Do you think he is supposed to find you equally attractive as 170 lbs ago? I am really trying to help, not to be mean and I am sorry that I come out that way.

 

Instead of attacking cheaters, I would lose weight, if I were you.

[marriedandsad]

To the person saying my 170 pounds is fraud...you try taking several anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds whose side effects are weight gain, add that to being depressed ANYWAYS, AND getting pregnant four times in 4 years, yeah...it tends to add to the pounds. I'm more upset about it than my husband is, he tells me every single day that I am beautiful no matter what I gain or lose. He said he was glad I had started putting meat on my bones, because when we first met, I was so boney it wasn't funny. He hasn't cheated on me thank goodness...but plenty of my exes did, and 2 said it was because I was too fat (I was 120 pounds tyvm) and the others said I was too damn skinny. Well now I could probably flatten a car if I sat on it

[marriedandsad]

I HAVE been trying to lose weight!!!!!! I ate NOTHING but salad for 3 months straight and walked a mile every single day, drank only water. I went up 2 pant sizes and gained over 14 pounds in that time. The doctors started looking at what I was taking for meds. I am on several, weight gain side effect (as with most anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds) for every single one. So for every pound I lost each week I was going to gain 2. It sucks. But lately my stomach has been really wonky and I can't eat anything but greens anyways, or else I end up on the couch in a ball. No it's not my gallbladder, that came out 2 years ago. Hell I lost about 20 pounds when that happened from all the vomiting and diarrhea that occured. When I lost 150 pounds in 3 months last time, it was thanks to over dosing on ephedrine and laxatives and eating like 3 crackers at a time. I've come VERY close to going back to that, except for when I did that it started to make my kidneys fail and causes some damages I can't fix. I have borderline personality disorder...me going off medications is simply not an option or else next thing you know I am trying to slice my wrists constantly. I can be perfectly happy and fine one second, then the next my husband is prying the knife from my hands.

[Reggie]

BPD is tough. Have you tried DBT therapy? They say it is effective if you work hard. Good luck.

[Lizzie60]

I know a man that got gastric bypass and his wife cares less for him.

 

He thought he would look good (and he doesn't); now he is even more angry because the weight was not his real problem. Emotional blackmail.

 

 

It's true that there could be more problems to the marriage.. but a friend of mine had gastric bypass.. she lost a tremendous amount of weight.. but gain a tremendous amount of sagged skin... I don't think that it's appealing.. I would be turn-off... The problem is.. a lot of people take the 'short-cut' easy way to weight loss (gastric bypass).. but do not exercise.. then they complain about what they look 'now' with all the excess skin.. etc.. and most don't have the money for cosmetic surgery (skin removal)...

 

In most cases, I don't think the person looks better AFTER the gastric bypass..

[Angel1111]

It's not about fault - it's about accountability. No, people shouldn't cheat, but people shouldn't be abusive, uncaring, rude, condescending, cold, etc. in relationships, either. But when most people do these things, they find them to be excusable and they think there should be no fallout from that.

 

The truth is, those things are not any more excusable than cheating. Cheating just takes centerstage because it's more tangible. But to say that a person can ignore their spouse, stop taking care of themselves, stop having sex, continually show ill manners, etc. and then say that they had nothing to do with the downfall of the relationship is nonsense. These people are delusional. When a person cheats, it's usually their way of sending a very clear message to their partner that they've had enough because nothing they've done or said up until that point has gotten through to them. This 'showstopper' usually gets their undivided attention.

[Trialbyfire]

I am under the impression that men who justify their cheating by blaming it on the BS's looks are also the ones who are quicker to drop the OW once the affair is discovered because they have no intention of leaving their partner.

If it was really about looks (or about the BS letting him/herself go), they would not have gotten married in the first place, or they would be divorcing.

But it is not about looks, it is about feeling entitled to cheat.

It sincerely is all about entitlement. You'll find that these superficial types aren't the only types that dine and dash. Perhaps the more encompassing statement is that men/women who play the victim, will always find an excuse to do whatever they feel like doing, regardless of impact to others. It's one thing to point out or remain firm on healthy stances and another to blame the entire world for their own personal miseries and inadequecies, while making unhealthy decisions. No one can make anyone happy. Only the person inside can BE happy.

[Adunaphel]

I'm more upset about it than my husband is, he tells me every single day that I am beautiful no matter what I gain or lose. He said he was glad I had started putting meat on my bones, because when we first met, I was so boney it wasn't funny. He hasn't cheated on me thank goodness...but plenty of my exes did, and 2 said it was because I was too fat (I was 120 pounds tyvm) and the others said I was too damn skinny. Well now I could probably flatten a car if I sat on it

It sounds like your H really loves you and cares about you, and is certainly a much better catch than your exes were!

Your exes would have probably cheated on you even if you had matched exactly their personal preferences on looks. It's not about you... it's about them being selfish jerks.

 

It sincerely is all about entitlement. You'll find that these superficial types aren't the only types that dine and dash. Perhaps the more encompassing statement is that men/women who play the victim, will always find an excuse to do whatever they feel like doing, regardless of impact to others. It's one thing to point out or remain firm on healthy stances and another to blame the entire world for their own personal miseries and inadequecies, while making unhealthy decisions.

 

I do not think I would still be in an affair with a MM if I ever heard him blaming his W for it (or blaming her for the fact that their marriage was no longer a good one). If things will deteriorate when we'll be in an official relationship, it would be unrealistic to expect him to treat me any better than he is currently treating his W.

 

No one can make anyone happy. Only the person inside can BE happy

This is so true. In all situations.

[marriedandsad]

BPD is tough. Have you tried DBT therapy? They say it is effective if you work hard. Good luck.

 

 

I am currently in it actually, one on one with my therapist. I just got approved for Disability/Social Security however. No matter how well it works, I will always have the suicidal tendacies, so I must remain on medications. As I have said in other threads, I've been like this ever since I was a small child. My husband knew this when he married me, but he didn't know how bad it was. I was so freaking nasty to him the last few years, I didn't see it. I even some what cheated on him while drunk (I posted here about that) and was all confused about someone else. Me off medications is not a pretty picture. It took two hospitalizations in a month to make me see that I can't be unmedicated, and that I really was becoming a pretty ugly person both outside and inside. Today I felt a real change, normally on Thanksgiving with my in-laws I am withdrawn and spend my time chasing our son. Today I socialized and had a wonderful time chatting with my Step-FIL's daughter. We swapped e-mail addresses and what not and just over all it was wonderful. I let my son run around and be a toddler without breathing down his neck. I even watched them go sledding down a pretty big hill and didn't stand there yelling for them to be careful every two seconds. I knew he was in safe hands with this father and several other family members

 

I was pretty shocked the night I asked my husband if he knew how much I loved him, he was suprised I had said that and said "Not really hon" and he was serious. I hardly ever say it enough. So I told him I love him and all the things I adore about him. He smiled so big it made me cry a little I was so happy I know he won't cheat on me. He's had every chance, reason...you name it. He still remains by my side. Sometimes I wonder if he's foolish lol!

[RecordProducer]

It's not about fault - it's about accountability. No, people shouldn't cheat, but people shouldn't be abusive, uncaring, rude, condescending, cold, etc. in relationships, either. But when most people do these things, they find them to be excusable and they think there should be no fallout from that.

 

The truth is, those things are not any more excusable than cheating. Cheating just takes centerstage because it's more tangible. But to say that a person can ignore their spouse, stop taking care of themselves, stop having sex, continually show ill manners, etc. and then say that they had nothing to do with the downfall of the relationship is nonsense. These people are delusional. When a person cheats, it's usually their way of sending a very clear message to their partner that they've had enough because nothing they've done or said up until that point has gotten through to them. This 'showstopper' usually gets their undivided attention.

What a great post! I totally agree.

[Reggie]

It's not about fault - it's about accountability. No, people shouldn't cheat, but people shouldn't be abusive, uncaring, rude, condescending, cold, etc. in relationships, either. But when most people do these things, they find them to be excusable and they think there should be no fallout from that.

 

The truth is, those things are not any more excusable than cheating. Cheating just takes centerstage because it's more tangible. But to say that a person can ignore their spouse, stop taking care of themselves, stop having sex, continually show ill manners, etc. and then say that they had nothing to do with the downfall of the relationship is nonsense. These people are delusional. When a person cheats, it's usually their way of sending a very clear message to their partner that they've had enough because nothing they've done or said up until that point has gotten through to them. This 'showstopper' usually gets their undivided attention.

 

I agree with some of this. I think the forms of abuse you mentioned are inexcusable. Not sure if they are as overlooked as you seem to think they are, though. Many marriages end because of this type of behavior. And, in a lot of cases, that behavior accompanies the cheating and lays with the WS rather than the BS. So, many BS's are dealing with the double whammy, an abusive cheater. Infidelity is rampant among the personality disordered and they are some of the most abusive folks around.

As for the claim that cheating follows a history of the WS importuning the BS for change and is a response to repeated refusal, that is clearly not true in many, many cases. In fact, I expect it is the minority rather than the usual, as you claim. No stats on this, but, the writers on this subject claim their research almost universally shows that the cheater was the one less invested in givng to the marriage from the beginning. Typically, the cheater is a conflict avoider and , many times, a poor communicator, expecting clairvoyance from his or her spouse.

No, I don't buy that the typical cheating situation follows the WS having tried and tried.

[joybean72]

I agree with what you are saying Reggie and will also add that passive aggressive behavior is extremely damaging. No one could really understand the dynamics you speak of unless they have dealt with someone like that. It's is not something I care to repeat ever again...that is for damn sure!

[Reggie]

Yes, Joybean. P/A is often one of the main forms of punishmnet used by the disordered. My exNPD/BPD wife gave me the silent treatment so much as her main form of rage.

Only good thing about cheating among the disordred is that it is , often, the last straw and gets one motivated to get out.

[NoIDidn't]

As for the claim that cheating follows a history of the WS importuning the BS for change and is a response to repeated refusal, that is clearly not true in many, many cases. In fact, I expect it is the minority rather than the usual, as you claim. No stats on this, but, the writers on this subject claim their research almost universally shows that the cheater was the one less invested in givng to the marriage from the beginning. Typically, the cheater is a conflict avoider and , many times, a poor communicator, expecting clairvoyance from his or her spouse.

No, I don't buy that the typical cheating situation follows the WS having tried and tried.

 

Reggie

 

No need to suspect it, its just not true that the cheater did any communicating in most cases. Regardless of what they tell their accomplices (sp?).

 

Accountability is another form of blame with some people not really knowing what it means. We are accountable for our own behavior, not for others. We are accountable for our reactions to others behaviors as well.

 

So, the cheater is responsible for cheating if they chose to do it in light of behavior from their spouses. Period.