Why does it always come down to being the BS's fault?

[OWoman]

Ask yourself which you'd rather be accused of: being too busy bringing up the kids to attend to a self-absorbed child of a husband, or being a morally-deficient sex-worker intent on splitting up a home and ruining the childhoods of innocent children.

 

My first thread here was a case in point - it got deleted (not just closed) because of all the vicious name-calling by BSs at OWs. I may have missed it through time-zone differences, but I don't recall ever having seen a thread get deleted because OWs slagged off BSs in that way (and I'm not referring to troll threads here).

[greengoddess]

Have you read Lankyguy's threads over on the Marriage board? I'd hazard that it's a combination of "nice guy" syndrome, "knight in shining armour" aspirations and youthful naivete. When my MM became the unwitting OM of his BW, he was the same age my son is now - a mere child! But I've not sat in on his counselling, so of course that's mere speculation...

 

 

:laugh:Oh my my my it just gets better with your stories. So the mm you are shacking up with was the om to his wife? I can't imagine they didn't have a happy ever after if true love won out and she left her then husband for her other man and married him. Gosh you mean he wasn't happy after he got his married prize? I love this. This is truly full circle karmicly funny. Beware owoman.

[OWoman]

:laugh:Oh my my my it just gets better with your stories. So the mm you are shacking up with was the om to his wife? I can't imagine they didn't have a happy ever after if true love won out and she left her then husband for her other man and married him. Gosh you mean he wasn't happy after he got his married prize? I love this. This is truly full circle karmicly funny. Beware owoman.

 

It's not a "story". It's sadly true. MM was a student who was seduced by an older woman he didn't know was M, until the H arrived at his door one day threatening him with bodily harm. At which point he dropped her. Shortly thereafter she washed up at his door with some story about being thrown out by her H - possibly true - and he took her in because she was in such a state and he felt sorry for her. Her H Dd her, and my MM tried to nurse her back to sanity (before he realised she was a complete basket case, needing professional help) and did the "knight in shining armour" thing without realising - or acknowledging - that her behaviour was abusive, and that he couldn't fix her. It took the protracted advice and support of friends and family, short-lived MC and subsequent IC for him to get to the point of thinking he also had a right to his own happiness, and that his role on earth wasn't simply to try to make things OK for everyone else.

 

So now, for the first time, he gets his "prize". And his BW gets the opportunity to realise that her happiness isn't the responsibility of some man to try to provide, but something she needs to fix within herself.

 

Thanks for the warning, but I'm by nature a very skeptical person and overly cautious when it comes to other human beings, so am going in very aware of the risks. He, on the other hand, has a track record of more than three decades of sexual exclusiveness and fidelity, commitment to duty and an ingrained tendency always to put others ahead of himself - and knows my views on sexual exclusiveness, and my track record R-wise. If there's anyone who needs to beware, it's him.

[Marteka]

I suppose the problem with this debate is that all sorts of views are represented on these boards, and so one could argue that yes, everyone gets blamed (by someone, somewhere), everyone gets excused, everyone gets name-called by some one.

 

 

Agreed. There is as much variety in types of affairs as there are marriages, surely, so there are lots of reasons why they start and lots of people who could be blamed in the differing circumstances. I have heard many affair stories and even different versions of the same "story", enough to know not to judge the 3 (or 4) players in it.

 

"Fault" is a loaded word too; I personally think it is unhelpful in identifying the real issues and allowing us to learn why particular messy situations like affairs happen, and what we can learn from them.

 

The real issue here is the weight gain and the OP's determined attempts to get herself back on track. Whether her H is the grounded, steadfast guy she describes or had decided to cheat/bail out should not obscure the fact that the OP has had a rather rough time in her life and her previous relationships and is now trying to deal with her problems upfront (IMHO - sorry if I'm putting words in mouths).

 

BTW, to add to the empirical data on OW/BS comparisons, I once had an ONS with an MM whose wife weighed 110 pounds and was quite stunning in a wispy Keira Knightley kind of way! He said he had been waiting for over a year to get together with me. If I were to base the "success" of his M purely on her looks, that would be quite a surprising statement!!

[NoIDidn't]

I suppose the problem with this debate is that all sorts of views are represented on these boards, and so one could argue that yes, everyone gets blamed (by someone, somewhere), everyone gets excused, everyone gets name-called by some one.

 

So yes, you do get OW who blame the BS for their husbands cheating, because the BS is supposedly this or that (usually old, or 'let herself go', wrong colour hair or some other ridiculous reason). I suppose I don't pay a lot of attention to such shallow posting; to me the posters are either very young, naive or simply trolling. Amazing how often the younger-than-the-wife, mouthy, designer-clothed OW disappear after a few outrageous posts.

 

I suppose also that the 'blaming' attached to a BS seems somewhat tame to my eyes (never having been in the position) - 'she didn't pay him enough attention' 'too busy with the kids' blah blah, when I compare it to the morally-currupt, 'homewrecking ho', predatory OW, wanted to steal my life!, may you rot in hell that is routinely encountered on any OW thread. But of course again those posters are few and far between (they just seem to crop up on every thread with the same old accusations).

 

Ask yourself which you'd rather be accused of: being too busy bringing up the kids to attend to a self-absorbed child of a husband, or being a morally-deficient sex-worker intent on splitting up a home and ruining the childhoods of innocent children.

 

I think you're right that the MP do come in for flak on these boards, yes, we've all seen that. I suppose I had in mind Surviving Infidelity where of course the majority are trying to reconcile and so have more reason to vent at and denegrate the OP than the surely more accountable (in their own marriage) man sitting across the breakfast table. I always find that amusing, since both male and female BSs are posting about how it was ALL the OP's fault, their spouse was somehow tricked into it, blah blah... where both cheaters are married, they're all finger-pointing at each other's WS, in effect!

 

Basically, the only person responsible for cheating is THE CHEAT.

 

Oh, I agree Frannie. I would rather deal with what's at hand than with that other person in the triangle that does or doesn't know what's going on without all the blame being thrown around.

 

BTW, I'd much rather be the fat, out of shape, exhausted mom - but hey, that's me already. LOL. Or was that not supposed to be funny.

[marriedandsad]

Agreed. There is as much variety in types of affairs as there are marriages, surely, so there are lots of reasons why they start and lots of people who could be blamed in the differing circumstances. I have heard many affair stories and even different versions of the same "story", enough to know not to judge the 3 (or 4) players in it.

 

"Fault" is a loaded word too; I personally think it is unhelpful in identifying the real issues and allowing us to learn why particular messy situations like affairs happen, and what we can learn from them.

 

The real issue here is the weight gain and the OP's determined attempts to get herself back on track. Whether her H is the grounded, steadfast guy she describes or had decided to cheat/bail out should not obscure the fact that the OP has had a rather rough time in her life and her previous relationships and is now trying to deal with her problems upfront (IMHO - sorry if I'm putting words in mouths).

 

BTW, to add to the empirical data on OW/BS comparisons, I once had an ONS with an MM whose wife weighed 110 pounds and was quite stunning in a wispy Keira Knightley kind of way! He said he had been waiting for over a year to get together with me. If I were to base the "success" of his M purely on her looks, that would be quite a surprising statement!!

 

You are EXACTLY right. When my husband met me, I was doing ballet, running every single day, I mean I was in shape. To me beauty=loved....so the better I looked the more likely a guy was to love me and want me and stay with me. I did whatever it took to remain that way, even overdosing on ephedrine and laxatives to keep me "perfect". My husband taught me that beauty doesn't promise love, he loves me even like I am now. Even now, he says I am beautiful, and I have started to lose weight FINALLY. I haven't been able to eat very much at all the past few weeks. If I do I get horrible stomach pains. I even went to go get sized for a new bra. I went from a 46G to a 44DDD I was stoked My clothes are getting baggier, hell today I wore leggings with a long shirt and long sweater, I felt somewhat good about myself.

 

Now my mom....she is extremely overweight. But not in the sloppy let herself go kind of way. She carries herself VERY well and dresses beautifully. She has curly black hair and these amazing green eyes. To me she is stunning. My father however had other thoughts and cheated on her. My grandparents rode her to lose weight. My now ex-stepdad I don't think I ever heard him say she was fat, but I know he never protected her from the blasting she got from her parents in front of him, but I did. My mother is strong, beautiful, successful and talented. She made a LOT of mistakes with me when I was younger, she wasn't able to protect me from my father or from me getting molested, and I know she regrets that every single day whenever she looks into my eyes. But I think any guy who is privileged to have her affections is a damn lucky guy. She may be overweight, but what she "lacks" in physical perfection, she makes up everywhere else.

[CAMAYPARK]

In comparison, I am much fatter than MM's W. She wakes up at 4/5am in the morning and come rain or shine, she would go running for an hour before going off to her part-time work. After work, she would once again run for another hour at least. And she is at least 10years older than I am.

 

She is a skinnier than her daughter,who is 19. I am a UK size 10, she must be a US size 0 or UK size 6. She eats really healthly, she doesn't eat meat, no oil, no sugar, no caffeine, no salt. Oh, only a little or no carbs. One meal per day, dinner, of boiled/poach fish in water and that's it. She doesn't go out to restaurants anymore, other than the annual work Christmas dinner, but she will run twice as hard the following days to lose all the weight she believed that she gain.

 

So, if beauty equates to love, then I am FAT. I think that despite what the general consensus are, there are just too much generalisation. Sure, to some people, beauty and being skinny as a rake is top priority but its not always.

 

So, did she let herself go and that made MM eyes wonder? In terms of beauty, then no. If in terms of she having a "problem", acknowledging it and getting help, then yes, MM has indeed wondered.

[herenow]

In comparison, I am much fatter than MM's W. She wakes up at 4/5am in the morning and come rain or shine, she would go running for an hour before going off to her part-time work. After work, she would once again run for another hour at least. And she is at least 10years older than I am.

 

She is a skinnier than her daughter,who is 19. I am a UK size 10, she must be a US size 0 or UK size 6. She eats really healthly, she doesn't eat meat, no oil, no sugar, no caffeine, no salt. Oh, only a little or no carbs. One meal per day, dinner, of boiled/poach fish in water and that's it. She doesn't go out to restaurants anymore, other than the annual work Christmas dinner, but she will run twice as hard the following days to lose all the weight she believed that she gain.

 

So, if beauty equates to love, then I am FAT. I think that despite what the general consensus are, there are just too much generalisation. Sure, to some people, beauty and being skinny as a rake is top priority but its not always.

 

So, did she let herself go and that made MM eyes wonder? In terms of beauty, then no. If in terms of she having a "problem", acknowledging it and getting help, then yes, MM has indeed wondered.

 

Could it be that her H has been cheating on her and she feels that it's because she isn't attractive enough for him? Could it be that he makes her feel unattractive and she is over compensating? This goes to the point of this thread. Sometimes women who are cheated on feel that it's because they are deficient in some way. Maybe this BW is driving herself crazy trying to fix herself and she doesn't realize that it's not at all about her or what she looks like, it's all about her self centered H.

[CAMAYPARK]

Could it be that her H has been cheating on her and she feels that it's because she isn't attractive enough for him? Could it be that he makes her feel unattractive and she is over compensating? This goes to the point of this thread. Sometimes women who are cheated on feel that it's because they are deficient in some way. Maybe this BW is driving herself crazy trying to fix herself and she doesn't realize that it's not at all about her or what she looks like, it's all about her self centered H.

 

HN, that's too much generalisation once again. In her case, no, she isn't over compensating. She has always been like that, though, she hasn't cut out food groups until last 5years.

 

Know what I think, I think and I know that MM believed that she was by way more attractive when she had more "meat" on her. Now she's all skin and bones. Tbh, I reckon she has a problem with food, not blumia but a form of it, the overly healthy type of bulimia. And as such that has manifasted itself with other problems. Abusive behaviours, OC behaviours etc.

[herenow]

Wow. GREAT points!

 

Thanks!

 

It's very interesting that the majority of what we are talking about is superficial looks. In MC, I found that one of the major issues with my H is that he needs a sense of worth, I guess we all do.

 

As a very strong, independent woman, I never asked for help and rarely accepted it when offered. By contrast, the OW was very needy. She allowed my H to be her knight in shining armor.

 

I felt that is was reasonable for me to make some changes it that area. I'm much better at accepting help, not only from my H, but from friends and family as well. I don't take advantage of anyone, but it's great knowing that the people I care about are there if I need them. Not only is my life better because of the changes I have made, but all of my relationships are stronger. People like to help and then they feel more comfortable asking and that results in a stronger bond.

 

I just use this as an example of something that is so much more important than weight or hair color.

[marriedandsad]

The woman you just mentioned, the one eating only poached fish and what not. I sort of know how she feels when it comes to food. My stomach says "EAT!!!" and my brain says "STOP!" Today all I have eaten is a few (think 20) cheezits my husband put in front of me and a cup of decaf coffee. I am very very hungry right now, but I just can't bring myself to eat. I try to eat some yogurt, I get 2 or 3 spoonfuls in and all of a sudden I have completely lost my appetite. Food=enemy. I've tried everything, and at the moment all I can really stomach is salad. I try to eat a normal supper, and I engorge myself....then I am in SO much pain after wards and curl up into a ball. Only if she's been like this for years, it could be ingrained into her head. But the no carbs or oils...HOW?????

[CAMAYPARK]

MAD, ((hugs)), please eat something. You cannot be like that. With her, I reckon she has some unresolved issues about her own self confidence, self worth and her own body. She won't touch cheezits, she won't even drink decaff coffee, no coffee, no tea at all, only herbal drinks, not crisps, no oil, no carbs, no meat, no salt and no sugar. She proclaims that she's healthy, however, until she recognise and acknowledge that she has a problem, there's nothing anyone can do.

 

I am fairly strong and independent woman. I won't say that I don't need help but I am not emotionally needy, emotionally dependent or "needing a man to take care of me". I don't mean financially, I mean like calling a plumber when the pipe has burst, that sort of thing. MM's like that. Or, calling MM and said that its urgent, when she was stuck in a roundabout, and there's a traffic diversion due to the Pope's visit, so which turning do I want? I am not being cruel here, but this is truly the way it is.

 

And due to all these food restrictions through the years, she was on this health fad since she was in her 20s, I guess. She came off it during the years when she had children till her children were 5years old. She then went back on it with a vengence. And I truly believe that since these prolong health fad, eating restriction she imposed upon herself, it has manifested tons of other disorders as well now. She cannot travel in a car longer than an hour, she doesn't travel at all- boats, trains or planes. She gets physically ill if she does. Even on family holidays, she cannot give up her faddy food restrictions nor will she relax until she has given their accomodation a thorough clean, she will still stick to her regimented exercise. She is obssessed with cleaniness in particular with water. So, she will wash a plate 3times or entire bathroom a thorough clean at least twice a day.

 

I feel sorry for her. I really do. This is what I believe she has, "Orthorexia nervosa is a term coined by Dr S Bratman in his book ‘Health Food Junkies - Orthorexia Nervosa’ to describe the outcome of compulsive dietary behaviour based on eating only certain ‘health’ foods. It is not a recognised medical term."

[NoIDidn't]

Man, this woman sounds like she has some kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'm not diagnosing her, but that's what it sounds like.

 

I am not going to say that I understand why he cheats on her, but I imagine that a person that has such restrictions on themselves can come off as unbelievably bossy, judgmental, and extremely stubborn. None are good enough reasons to cheat, but I can see where he might be feeling like she just doesn't listen to him.

 

This seems like one of those cases where the MM isn't a conflict avoider, but really has tried and tried and tried only to keep hitting the same wall and finally gave up.

 

If I was going to be an MP, this is the kind I would be. But my H has learned that there are unwanted consequences for getting your own way all the time.

[herenow]

Man, this woman sounds like she has some kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'm not diagnosing her, but that's what it sounds like.

 

I am not going to say that I understand why he cheats on her, but I imagine that a person that has such restrictions on themselves can come off as unbelievably bossy, judgmental, and extremely stubborn. None are good enough reasons to cheat, but I can see where he might be feeling like she just doesn't listen to him.

 

This seems like one of those cases where the MM isn't a conflict avoider, but really has tried and tried and tried only to keep hitting the same wall and finally gave up.

 

If I was going to be an MP, this is the kind I would be. But my H has learned that there are unwanted consequences for getting your own way all the time.

 

NID,

 

As I said in another thread, it's very possible that her behavior is due to the way her H is treating her. In many cases, even when the BW doesn't know about the OW, she becomes obsessed because her H is treating her in a way that makes her question her own self worth. It may effect different parts of a BWs live, but if she doesn't have any control (or answers) in her marriage, she may obsess on the things she can control about herself.

 

There may be questions about why her H no longer wants to be with her. She may wonder what she has done to cause his infidelity (even if the answer is nothing). These type of internal conflicts that the BW may have can cause even the most sane of us to do irrational things.

[marriedandsad]

Her situation could also be a control issue. She has to have control over SOMETHING, so she chooses her body, what she puts in it, and then her environment. I can't imagine what she looks like...with that diet I can't image she looks very healthy And seeing your wife like that every single day and if she's refusing to see a doctor...yeah...could be traumatic for everyone in the household. Her children could start to act like her as well, especially if she has daughters. They see how mommy is and think THAT'S normal.

[herenow]

Her situation could also be a control issue. She has to have control over SOMETHING, so she chooses her body, what she puts in it, and then her environment. I can't imagine what she looks like...with that diet I can't image she looks very healthy And seeing your wife like that every single day and if she's refusing to see a doctor...yeah...could be traumatic for everyone in the household. Her children could start to act like her as well, especially if she has daughters. They see how mommy is and think THAT'S normal.

 

So maybe the marriage is toxic to this BW and the best thing for her H would be to have complete honesty and let her have control of her own life. It may be hard in the beginning, but it sounds like this woman is killing herself inside.

[CAMAYPARK]

NID,

 

As I said in another thread, it's very possible that her behavior is due to the way her H is treating her. In many cases, even when the BW doesn't know about the OW, she becomes obsessed because her H is treating her in a way that makes her question her own self worth. It may effect different parts of a BWs live, but if she doesn't have any control (or answers) in her marriage, she may obsess on the things she can control about herself.

 

There may be questions about why her H no longer wants to be with her. She may wonder what she has done to cause his infidelity (even if the answer is nothing). These type of internal conflicts that the BW may have can cause even the most sane of us to do irrational things.

 

HN, she has been like that since her 20s, even before marriage. Its not due to the way her H treats her. In fact they had many a shouting match about her condition and how she really need help.

 

She stopped for a few years till the kids were 5years old. Don't forget she is in her early 50s and has been maintaining this health fad since her 20s. That's why I reckon, this control over her food through the years have manifested into other areas; like the inability to travel.

 

The kids seem ok, though the daughter is being ultra healthy too but has regular meals. Ultra healthy meaning meals are mainly sushi, I don't even mean sashimi, teriyaki, just plain sushi. But the kids, daughter is 19now, all of them are never at home, whenever she is at home.

 

Control over her own life, that's what H has been trying to do, not much success. Not much success if the W calls up the H asking for directions on aroundabout just because of a traffic diversion. She is not emotionally needy, she needs someone to take her of her and take control of her life.

[herenow]

HN, she has been like that since her 20s, even before marriage. Its not due to the way her H treats her. In fact they had many a shouting match about her condition and how she really need help.

 

She stopped for a few years till the kids were 5years old. Don't forget she is in her early 50s and has been maintaining this health fad since her 20s. That's why I reckon, this control over her food through the years have manifested into other areas; like the inability to travel.

 

The kids seem ok, though the daughter is being ultra healthy too but has regular meals. Ultra healthy meaning meals are mainly sushi, I don't even mean sashimi, teriyaki, just plain sushi. But the kids, daughter is 19now, all of them are never at home, whenever she is at home.

 

Control over her own life, that's what H has been trying to do, not much success. Not much success if the W calls up the H asking for directions on aroundabout just because of a traffic diversion. She is not emotionally needy, she needs someone to take her of her and take control of her life.

 

OK, if she was this way before they got married and he doesn't like it, why did he marry her in the first place?

[OWoman]

OK, if she was this way before they got married and he doesn't like it, why did he marry her in the first place?

 

Maybe, like my MM, he thought he could fix her...

[EnigmaXOXO]

Why does it always come down to being the BS's fault?

 

Because people will always need someone or something else to blame as a means to justify their choices and behaviors. Just like the affair partner will often become the new scapegoat once they trade places with that negligent spouse who was once to blame for the affair in the first place.

 

Without some tangible bad guy to “unite against” there’d be nothing left of these empty relationships worth fighting for. No liar worth fighting over.

 

“Lovers in triangle not on square.”

 

I actually got that cheesy bit of Confucianism in my stale fortune cookie last night.

[CAMAYPARK]

Have you personally know his W all this time? I mean YOU, not what your MM has told you, 'cause we all know how they will lie or exaggerate to lessen their culpability.

 

Kinda off. Since both MM & his W are much older than I am..... I know his younger brother and sister quite well and I knew them for years. I only met MM 3/4years ago.

[CAMAYPARK]

Maybe, like my MM, he thought he could fix her...

 

Now, OWoman, is that a sarky comment? I think he did think that he could fix her

[NoIDidn't]

OK, if she was this way before they got married and he doesn't like it, why did he marry her in the first place?

 

Yeah, I caught where she said the BW had been like that when they first married.

 

It could be that she has always overcompensated because of her own father or other situation in her upbringing.

 

I don't think that every insecurity that a W faces is because of the way that her H treats her. If so, she's in an abusive relationship. We all come into our relationships with some insecurities. Some get better, some get worse.

 

Its unfortunate when folks have a bad relationship with food for me though. I love eating too much to starve myself. Food = good.