Why does it always come down to being the BS's fault?

[silktricks]

there is no accidentally getting pregnant.

 

Of course there is. a lot of people have gotten pregnant when they didn't intend to.

 

 

 

To be honest, I haven't read this whole thread, but nonetheless, here is my opinion.......

 

 

Cheating is the "fault" of no one but the person who cheats. However, that doesn't mean much in the end. In most cases the "reason" someone cheats is because they are unhappy in their marriage. That unhappiness is the cause of both the cheater and the soon to be betrayed spouse. The person who cheats should, of course, deal with the issues in the marriage, or even divorce prior to cheating. That, however, is making an assumption that is usually not valid, in other words, assuming an ability to leave simply for oneself, and ones own unhappiness. Most people cannot do that.

 

It's important for both people to take care of the marriage and the happiness of each other. Unfortunately, though, most people when unhappy don't look into themselves to figure out what's wrong. They just blame everything on their partner. They they either cheat or skirt the edge as closely as they can. Sometimes the cheating is because they really want out, sometimes it's because they want to pay back their spouse for the pain they are in (and blame their spouse for).

[serial muse]

Of course there is. a lot of people have gotten pregnant when they didn't intend to.

 

 

 

To be honest, I haven't read this whole thread, but nonetheless, here is my opinion.......

 

 

Cheating is the "fault" of no one but the person who cheats. However, that doesn't mean much in the end. In most cases the "reason" someone cheats is because they are unhappy in their marriage. That unhappiness is the cause of both the cheater and the soon to be betrayed spouse. The person who cheats should, of course, deal with the issues in the marriage, or even divorce prior to cheating. That, however, is making an assumption that is usually not valid, in other words, assuming an ability to leave simply for oneself, and ones own unhappiness. Most people cannot do that.

 

It's important for both people to take care of the marriage and the happiness of each other. Unfortunately, though, most people when unhappy don't look into themselves to figure out what's wrong. They just blame everything on their partner. They they either cheat or skirt the edge as closely as they can. Sometimes the cheating is because they really want out, sometimes it's because they want to pay back their spouse for the pain they are in (and blame their spouse for).

 

I agree that both partners are responsible for what happens in the marriage, and both should be willing to look honestly at themselves, as partners, as lovers, as people. And although it may be brutally hard for the BS to excoriate him-/herself for problems within the marriage when s/he's already feeling torn apart and battered by the affair, ultimately it has to happen if the marriage is going to heal - or even if the BS wants to move on to a new phase of life.

 

However. On these boards, I think that the "who's to blame" issue often gets reduced in a truly bizarre, tit-for-tat way: to wit, WS is willing to take "sole" responsibility for an affair...as long as the BS takes the responsibility for the bad stuff within the marriage that caused it to fall apart and so forth (the BS neglected the spouse, the BS didn't want to have sex, the BS let him-/herself go, the BS is a nag, yadda yadda).

 

And somehow this is "fair," because this way everyone's taking responsibility for their own stuff and being mature and whatnot. Not so much, IMO. I understand that we all ought to be honest with ourselves, and that maybe nobody's innocent and everyone contributed. But does that mean that, for things to come out 50-50, the BS should take on more of the load when it comes to what went wrong marriage-wise, simply because the WS has to bear the burden of the affair?

 

The ending impression is sometimes that the only thing the WS feels s/he actually did wrong is the affair itself, and that that mistake is somehow mitigated by the BS being the primary jerk in the marriage. It's maddening and nonsensical, but there it is. People instinctively want things to be "fair," but somehow this is the road it tends to go down.

[marriedandsad]

I think you misread my not possible to get pregnant on accident, like I said, it happened to me to the first time while on I was on the pill. What I mean is the people who use NOTHING for protection and declare "Oh my goodness...it was an accident!".

 

When I was discussing getting a tubal with my doctor, she was telling me what they do and what not, and she said that they do tests and what not a few weeks and a few months afterwards to make sure you are indeed snipped correctly. Maybe it's just her practice. But seriously....if two people are 100% on the same page about NOT wanting children, then it shouldn't be an issue getting spousal consent to have it done....and if one of them is pretty unsure about it...then you know, the issue of children is not resolved and you have much to talk about. Dh and I did have a point on contention after we had ds. I wanted like 3 more children....he said he didn't want anymore, our son is perfect and he was happy with just our son. Well so am I, but I would really love to have another child someday. We had agreed on 4 children when we got married. We fought and argued over it when he changed his mind. We finally came to an agreement on 2 children. Well that isn't possible for me anymore due to medical conditions.

[herenow]

In most cases the "reason" someone cheats is because they are unhappy in their marriage. That unhappiness is the cause of both the cheater and the soon to be betrayed spouse. The person who cheats should, of course, deal with the issues in the marriage, or even divorce prior to cheating. That, however, is making an assumption that is usually not valid, in other words, assuming an ability to leave simply for oneself, and ones own unhappiness. Most people cannot do that.

 

It's important for both people to take care of the marriage and the happiness of each other. Unfortunately, though, most people when unhappy don't look into themselves to figure out what's wrong. They just blame everything on their partner. They they either cheat or skirt the edge as closely as they can. Sometimes the cheating is because they really want out, sometimes it's because they want to pay back their spouse for the pain they are in (and blame their spouse for).

 

With the divorce rate as high as it is I can't agree that "most" people can't leave a marriage when they are unhappy. IMO, people who have affairs do so because of what they are missing within themselves. I don't think it has anything to do with anyone other than the person who is cheating.

 

There are many people who have happy marriages that, for some reason, still cheat. Who's at fault for that? No one but that cheater. Many marriages have problems, but neither partner cheat. They work out their problems or get a divorce before moving on to a new relationship.

 

IMO, people who cheat do so because that is their own personal way of dealing with their own issues. To blame the BS or the marriage for the choice of an individual is either justification for the affair, or lack of the ability to place or take responsibility for the choice of the cheater.

[herenow]

I

The thing is, I never hear anyone ask, 'Did I do anything to help create this mess?', or 'Did I do anything to drive my partner away?' All I ever hear is, 'Hey, he cheated on me therefore he's the scum of the earth and never deserved me...'.

 

Wrong! There are many of us BW that have gone down that road only to be told by our therapists and our H's that we are not to blame. Actually, it took a while before I was able to stop asking those questions and realized that it's my H that made the choice to cheat and he is the only one to blame. He has always taken 100% of the blame for his choice and has never blamed me or the OW.

 

Blaming anything or anyone other than person who made the choice to betray is absolutely justifying the affair. Just my opinion.

[serial muse]

Wrong! There are many of us BW that have gone down that road only to be told by our therapists and our H's that we are not to blame. Actually, it took a while before I was able to stop asking those questions and realized that it's my H that made the choice to cheat and he is the only one to blame. He has always taken 100% of the blame for his choice and has never blamed me or the OW.

 

Blaming anything or anyone other than person who made the choice to betray is absolutely justifying the affair. Just my opinion.

 

Yeah, I don't know where people get the idea that the BS isn't beating herself up. Everything my exH said, I internalized until I felt entirely worthless, undesirable, haggish, witchy...you name it. I thought I was the worst person on the planet for a while there. And slowly, over time, I was able to see things in a clearer light. That doesn't mean I now think I was perfect and did nothing wrong. But I now can accept what I was responsible for...and more importantly, what I wasn't.

 

Seriously...I'm sure there are people who can't find a way to accept responsibility for anything. That category includes OW/OM, BS and WS.

 

But believe me when I say that plenty of BS take it on themselves - and often, they take on far more than they should. For one thing, accepting an unwarranted amount of responsibility for things actually provides a temporary illusion of control over the situation - makes you think that if you had done things differently, you could have altered the outcome. But it's just not that simple - you CANNOT control the other person. And if the other person's way of dealing with relationship issues is to seek a third party, then that's out of the BS' control as well.

 

Believe you me, that is a HARD thing to accept. Apparently, it's hard for everyone involved to accept. But it's the truth.

[herenow]

Yeah, I don't know where people get the idea that the BS isn't beating herself up. Everything my exH said, I internalized until I felt entirely worthless, undesirable, haggish, witchy...you name it. I thought I was the worst person on the planet for a while there. And slowly, over time, I was able to see things in a clearer light. That doesn't mean I now think I was perfect and did nothing wrong. But I now can accept what I was responsible for...and more importantly, what I wasn't.

 

Seriously...I'm sure there are people who can't find a way to accept responsibility for anything. That category includes OW/OM, BS and WS.

 

But believe me when I say that plenty of BS take it on themselves - and often, they take on far more than they should. For one thing, accepting an unwarranted amount of responsibility for things actually provides a temporary illusion of control over the situation - makes you think that if you had done things differently, you could have altered the outcome. But it's just not that simple - you CANNOT control the other person. And if the other person's way of dealing with relationship issues is to seek a third party, then that's out of the BS' control as well.

 

Believe you me, that is a HARD thing to accept. Apparently, it's hard for everyone involved to accept. But it's the truth.

 

There is a big difference between taking responsibility for your part in a relationship and taking the blame for a choice that your spouse made behind your back.

 

You are absolutely correct that no one can control another person's actions.

 

It's amazing how much power some people believe BW's have. How can the same person (BW) be so vile that her H is reduced to having an affair and at the same time have such control that he cant leave the marriage?

 

All this talk about the cheater staying married because the BW will take the kids, the house, the money, etc. is also justification. The cheating spouse stays because that is where he wants to be. IMO, a person who cheats does what they want without thinking about how it will effect others. Until they are faced with the reality of actually losing something they care about, they will justify their actions by blaming others. The BW, the kids, money are all justifications to allow the cheater to shift blame onto others and do what he or she wants.

 

Again, with the divorce rate as high as it is, and laws in place to protect children and finances, there is no reason a couple who is unhappy should stay married. I'm not saying that divorce is easy, but it's certainly easier that living life with someone who you find unattractive and don't love. Especially if the cheater loves someone else, why stay? I would bet if you asked, most BW would tell you that they would rather get a divorce than be married to someone who doesn't love her.

[SueBee3490]

With the divorce rate as high as it is I can't agree that "most" people can't leave a marriage when they are unhappy. IMO, people who have affairs do so because of what they are missing within themselves. I don't think it has anything to do with anyone other than the person who is cheating.

 

I agree. Though we were dating when my bf cheated on me over and over, he never in the 2 1/2 yrs of dating, gave me any indication that he was unhappy, that something was missing in our relationship, etc. He would tell me how happy he was to have found me, etc. And I, in turn, was happy too. I loved him very much. I asked him at one time if he wanted to break up, or give our relationship a break, did he want to go out with other women, because he said he just "had coffee" with another woman. He profoundly said that was a mistake, how sorry he was, he didn't want to lose me, etc. Stupid me gave him another chance, giving him the benefit of the doubt, and thinking to myself that he made a "mistake" and realized it only to be cheated on more. Also, I did all kinds of things for his 2 kids, because he said his ex was not a good mother and did not even want to be with them on Mother's Day. I was so sad for them as knowing how much I love my 3 kids and couldn't imagine some of the things he said about her. Again, probably all lies.

 

So I think he has a problem within himself - had nothing to do with me. Someone that knows the other person loves them and can see that in everything they do, but can turn around and cheat, knowing how this would crush their SO, is not mentally right, IMO.

[Impudent Oyster]

I think the better question to put to OW on an OW support board is this...why in god's name would an OW EVER want to get involved with someone who can't or won't take responsibility for their own actions?

 

Do you think a person who blames their spouse for their infidelity is going to behave any differently with you? Hell no.

 

Oh sure, he might think you're fantastic now, but when the novelty wears off and god forbid, you might gain ten pounds or get a few wrinkles or stop stroking his ego (which is the more likely scenario BTW, even Christie Brinkley's husband cheated, and IMO, she's one of the most beautiful women in the world), or don't hang on his every word all googly-eyed...well, he's just going to get himself some new woman who will, and trust me, there are a lot of stupid women who will, and then he'll cheat on you and blame you for it.

 

But then again, I could be wrong. Your MM is different. YOU are different. It'll be different with your relationship, he would only treat his wife that way, never you. He'll become a whole different person once he leaves that shrew!

[Impudent Oyster]

Oh yeah and, if a spouses dramatic change in appearance is so unbearable to a man, then he divorces her, he doesn't wimp out and use it as an excuse to cheat.

[Dexter Morgan]

I didn't want to hijack another thread about this. But a few have my head sort of spinning. Their spouse "let's themself go" or some other reason, so it seems like justification for an affair.

 

Thats because it is

 

 

Is that really a valid reason?

 

There is no valid reason for an affair, only valid reasons for leaving the marriage. But someone not looking as good as they did in their younger days, no, to me is not a valid reason. otherwise it wasn't love to begin with.

 

 

If my husband had decided that I had let myself go therefore that gave him a free pass to go wrestle with a skinnier, sexier woman, I don't know what I would do.

 

Divorce him and take 1/2 his s##t.

 

 

Why does the resolution to the issues always seem to fall onto the bs's shoulders?

 

Because cheaters look for any excuse to blame the BS so it looks like it wasn't their fault they strayed. its called a sense of entitlement. They feel entitled to cheat, the BS pushed them to it.

 

I just find it hard to justify cheating on a spouse by blaming the bs for their weight, appearance, you name it.

 

Well it happens, its a fact. Well, if ever in the future your husband loses his hair, tell him he's an ugly bald f##k and you feel the need to get it from a man with a full head.

[Reggie]

I agree that both partners are responsible for what happens in the marriage, and both should be willing to look honestly at themselves, as partners, as lovers, as people. And although it may be brutally hard for the BS to excoriate him-/herself for problems within the marriage when s/he's already feeling torn apart and battered by the affair, ultimately it has to happen if the marriage is going to heal - or even if the BS wants to move on to a new phase of life.

 

However. On these boards, I think that the "who's to blame" issue often gets reduced in a truly bizarre, tit-for-tat way: to wit, WS is willing to take "sole" responsibility for an affair...as long as the BS takes the responsibility for the bad stuff within the marriage that caused it to fall apart and so forth (the BS neglected the spouse, the BS didn't want to have sex, the BS let him-/herself go, the BS is a nag, yadda yadda).

 

And somehow this is "fair," because this way everyone's taking responsibility for their own stuff and being mature and whatnot. Not so much, IMO. I understand that we all ought to be honest with ourselves, and that maybe nobody's innocent and everyone contributed. But does that mean that, for things to come out 50-50, the BS should take on more of the load when it comes to what went wrong marriage-wise, simply because the WS has to bear the burden of the affair?

 

The ending impression is sometimes that the only thing the WS feels s/he actually did wrong is the affair itself, and that that mistake is somehow mitigated by the BS being the primary jerk in the marriage. It's maddening and nonsensical, but there it is. People instinctively want things to be "fair," but somehow this is the road it tends to go down.

 

This is right. 50/50 is arbitrary. Clearly, it could just as well have been the WS that was the major contributor to the pre-A problems in the marraige. Studies have shown, in fact, that is most likely the case.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree that both partners are responsible for what happens in the marriage, and both should be willing to look honestly at themselves, as partners, as lovers, as people. And although it may be brutally hard for the BS to excoriate him-/herself for problems within the marriage when s/he's already feeling torn apart and battered by the affair, ultimately it has to happen if the marriage is going to heal - or even if the BS wants to move on to a new phase of life.

 

However. On these boards, I think that the "who's to blame" issue often gets reduced in a truly bizarre, tit-for-tat way: to wit, WS is willing to take "sole" responsibility for an affair...as long as the BS takes the responsibility for the bad stuff within the marriage that caused it to fall apart and so forth (the BS neglected the spouse, the BS didn't want to have sex, the BS let him-/herself go, the BS is a nag, yadda yadda).

 

And somehow this is "fair," because this way everyone's taking responsibility for their own stuff and being mature and whatnot. Not so much, IMO. I understand that we all ought to be honest with ourselves, and that maybe nobody's innocent and everyone contributed. But does that mean that, for things to come out 50-50, the BS should take on more of the load when it comes to what went wrong marriage-wise, simply because the WS has to bear the burden of the affair?

 

The ending impression is sometimes that the only thing the WS feels s/he actually did wrong is the affair itself, and that that mistake is somehow mitigated by the BS being the primary jerk in the marriage. It's maddening and nonsensical, but there it is. People instinctively want things to be "fair," but somehow this is the road it tends to go down.

 

I have noticed that too. This is a great and insightful post. I hope the readers are paying attention to what you wrote.

 

When my hubby and I went to MC, we talked about our marriage and both of our parts at many things. Funny thing was, we found most of the issues to be his. Good thing we had such a great and disarming counsellor.

 

My H took responsibility for his actions in engaging in the EA AND for his contributions to the decline in our marriage. I believe in living as authentically as possible, so I could not have stayed married to him if he thought he was only going to say "I'm sorry I had an affair but I am still the perfect H" when I knew that he wasn't.

 

I think the way things usually go here and even on the Infidelity forum is because of the players - the OPs and the cheating MPs. They want to believe it was love and unavoidable and that the issues in the marriage must belong to the betrayed as they couldn't achieve such a great love with the MP (hence the cheating). Its nothing more than circular reasoning from a premise that's a lie to begin with.

[frannie]

On these boards, I think that the "who's to blame" issue often gets reduced in a truly bizarre, tit-for-tat way: to wit, WS is willing to take "sole" responsibility for an affair...as long as the BS takes the responsibility for the bad stuff within the marriage that caused it to fall apart and so forth (the BS neglected the spouse, the BS didn't want to have sex, the BS let him-/herself go, the BS is a nag, yadda yadda).

 

And somehow this is "fair," because this way everyone's taking responsibility for their own stuff and being mature and whatnot. Not so much, IMO. I understand that we all ought to be honest with ourselves, and that maybe nobody's innocent and everyone contributed. But does that mean that, for things to come out 50-50, the BS should take on more of the load when it comes to what went wrong marriage-wise, simply because the WS has to bear the burden of the affair?

 

I think the whole 'percentages' idea of who is 'to blame' for problems in a marriage is spurious in any case. How are these percentages assigned? Who is and isn't 'to blame' for the various factors that destroy a relationship? If you do something I don't like, but I don't tell you about it, whose 'fault' is that?

 

But I have to say, that I don't see very much of this supposed blame being heaped on the head of the BS... maybe I'm just not as sensitive to it as someone who has been in that position, feels somehow 'guilty', and therefore sees any comment about something they could have done differently as an attack? I don't know. I can only say that from the 'outside' of that, I see very little blaming of the BS at all. It seems to me that the ones denegrated, name-called and vilified are always the OP, and to a lesser (for some reason) extent, the MP.

 

Oh yeah and, if a spouses dramatic change in appearance is so unbearable to a man, then he divorces her, he doesn't wimp out and use it as an excuse to cheat.

 

Just to point out that the comments that lead to this thread were both made by female WS, who said that the weight gain of their male partners had caused them to lose their attractiveness.

 

All this talk about the cheater staying married because the BW will take the kids, the house, the money, etc. is also justification. The cheating spouse stays because that is where he wants to be. IMO, a person who cheats does what they want without thinking about how it will effect others. Until they are faced with the reality of actually losing something they care about, they will justify their actions by blaming others. The BW, the kids, money are all justifications to allow the cheater to shift blame onto others and do what he or she wants.

 

I agree with so much in your post, herenow. I've just snipped this bit, however, because while what you say makes undeniable sense, it's just not that easy. To see how difficult it seems to be to those 'caught' in that situation, read a thread by WickedandWeak in Infidelity today.

 

Yes, to an outsider it's all very straightforward, yes, I have no doubt that IF his W knew how he felt then she'd (probably?) want a divorce too, but in my opinion you have a typical MM there: he does think about 'how it will affect others', but the thinking is totally different from how others not in that situation might see it. He's all about how he's going to be letting his W down, disappointing people. Yes, we can say that that's selfish and about how others see him, but its also about perceived (misplaced, probably?) responsibility.

 

I don't know, I'm not going to try to defend it, my days of defending the mind of the MM are hopefully long behind me. It's just not as easy to untangle as we'd all really like it to be (MM included, I suspect).

[Impudent Oyster]

 

 

 

Just to point out that the comments that lead to this thread were both made by female WS, who said that the weight gain of their male partners had caused them to lose their attractiveness.

 

 

In that case I have the exact same advice for a female WS as I do for a male WS....if your spouse repulses you, move on and allow them to do the same, but you have NO RIGHT to deceive them, and no excuse.

[frannie]

In that case I have the exact same advice for a female WS as I do for a male WS....if your spouse repulses you, move on and allow them to do the same, but you have NO RIGHT to deceive them, and no excuse.

 

I completely agree with you. Well, I'd let them know what the problem was first, and see if it could be fixed. Might put it a little more subtly than 'you repulse me'

 

But yes, there is no excuse whatever for cheating. I don't think many people are arguing that there is. There are reasons why people cheat, though, and a repulsive spouse is one of those reasons, evidently.

[SierraRose]

It's easier to place blame then to accept blame...

[OWoman]

But then again, I could be wrong. Your MM is different. YOU are different. It'll be different with your relationship, he would only treat his wife that way, never you. He'll become a whole different person once he leaves that shrew!

 

Odd you should mention that - I had just such a conversation with one of MM's long-time friends earlier, who was commenting on how very different our (me & MM's) R is compared to how he was with BW. How he's really come out of his shell, he's happy and present in a way he had never been over all the years (more than a decade and a half) they'd been friends, and how it was as if a great huge blanket of depression had been lifted off MM's shoulders. But, he continued, he'd been out with his W the other night and had seen BW out with the kids, shrilling at them and belittling them in public and being thoroughly unpleasant, and, he said, it was clear that some people will never change.

 

And I was thinking, that's true in part but not yet completely - while it's true he's "a different person" away from the abuse, he does still have some of his former responses deeply programmed in. Because I recognise where they're coming from, it's easier for me to step outside of the dynamic and point out to him what's happening, and that I'm not her and that I'm not about to attack him or whatever - which restores things to normality. But I could imagine that if I didn't do that, things could easily fall into those familiar (to him) patterns and a whole new cycle of abusive behaviour could arise. I'm sure he will eventually "unlearn" his damaged responses, and I hope over a shorter period than the three-plus decades she hammered them (pretty literally) home in him, but it does take constant vigilance and hard work from us both.

[pelicanpreacher]

You're making your MM sound more like a "cause celebre" than a true soul mate. Be careful that you don't confuse the two!

[NoIDidn't]

But I have to say, that I don't see very much of this supposed blame being heaped on the head of the BS... maybe I'm just not as sensitive to it as someone who has been in that position, feels somehow 'guilty', and therefore sees any comment about something they could have done differently as an attack? I don't know. I can only say that from the 'outside' of that, I see very little blaming of the BS at all. It seems to me that the ones denegrated, name-called and vilified are always the OP, and to a lesser (for some reason) extent, the MP.

 

 

Most OPs or former OPs are desensitized to when the BS is dumped on constantly by other OPs. The little things like "his loveless marriage" or the constant claims that the BW is turning a blind eye to things or doesn't notice her H in any real way. Those are things that blame the betrayed.

 

On the other hand, I don't see much blaming of the OP for the A. I do see people stating their honest displeasure that anyone would willingly choose this position in life, but I wouldn't call that blame. If an MP does come to the boards, they get filetted (sp?) and don't come back very often. So I can't say that I agree that they don't get blamed either.

 

I guess it depends on which side of the triangle you occupy for your perceptions of blame for one of the other legs.

[Married One]

No, I think it is completely wrong to betray, talking as OW myself. And no, there is no reason or justification good enough to start cheating. So, no, you do NOT have to suffer from any of it. It is NOT you only that prompted the whole event.

Whatever it is, just take care of yourself first. Make yourself happy, then only you can start sorting out others' problems.

 

I confess I did not quite read your post carefully, but from the quick glance, I just wanted to say to you first, I do strongly believe married couples must sort out their problems, instead of looking outwards and cheat etc. In my case, that is exactly why I'm not happy cheating. But fortunately my OM is separating as I type now (ie. having the separation conversations with his wife these few days), and despite others' fears for me, he always decided to leave his wife, even before meeting me. So, it had been based on that fact that we continued with the affair. And in his case, his wife had been cold to him, knowingly, for more than 15 years, and gave no chance for conversation or suggestion for help.

 

Please just start thinking ahead for yourself, rather than dwell on what is wrong, what went wrong. You deserve better than that. All the best.

 

I didn't want to hijack another thread about this. But a few have my head sort of spinning. Their spouse "let's themself go" or some other reason, so it seems like justification for an affair. Is that really a valid reason? I know when I am depressed I gain wait. I am currently battling a 4 year weight gain that added 170 pounds onto me because I ate carelessly and used food to comfort me, plus I had no motivation to excersize. Now I'm paying for it. If my husband had decided that I had let myself go therefore that gave him a free pass to go wrestle with a skinnier, sexier woman, I don't know what I would do. Why does the resolution to the issues always seem to fall onto the bs's shoulders? People say they give and give...but what if they aren't giving the right things? Cooking a meal and doing the laundry is great, I know, but what about date nights and going for walks together? The emotional needs are just as strong if not stronger than the domestic needs. I'm just confused. Since I have started reading these threads, I have seen a whole new world I really didn't know existed. I just find it hard to justify cheating on a spouse by blaming the bs for their weight, appearance, you name it.

 

Is weight, appearance...is that REALLY a valid reason for some people to cheat in their minds? Does the fixing really fall onto the BS's shoulders because the cheating spouse is truly the victim in all this? Or is it just a copout to make people feel better about what they are doing?

[frannie]

Most OPs or former OPs are desensitized to when the BS is dumped on constantly by other OPs. The little things like "his loveless marriage" or the constant claims that the BW is turning a blind eye to things or doesn't notice her H in any real way. Those are things that blame the betrayed.

 

On the other hand, I don't see much blaming of the OP for the A. I do see people stating their honest displeasure that anyone would willingly choose this position in life, but I wouldn't call that blame. If an MP does come to the boards, they get filetted (sp?) and don't come back very often. So I can't say that I agree that they don't get blamed either.

 

I guess it depends on which side of the triangle you occupy for your perceptions of blame for one of the other legs.

 

I suppose the problem with this debate is that all sorts of views are represented on these boards, and so one could argue that yes, everyone gets blamed (by someone, somewhere), everyone gets excused, everyone gets name-called by some one.

 

So yes, you do get OW who blame the BS for their husbands cheating, because the BS is supposedly this or that (usually old, or 'let herself go', wrong colour hair or some other ridiculous reason). I suppose I don't pay a lot of attention to such shallow posting; to me the posters are either very young, naive or simply trolling. Amazing how often the younger-than-the-wife, mouthy, designer-clothed OW disappear after a few outrageous posts.

 

I suppose also that the 'blaming' attached to a BS seems somewhat tame to my eyes (never having been in the position) - 'she didn't pay him enough attention' 'too busy with the kids' blah blah, when I compare it to the morally-currupt, 'homewrecking ho', predatory OW, wanted to steal my life!, may you rot in hell that is routinely encountered on any OW thread. But of course again those posters are few and far between (they just seem to crop up on every thread with the same old accusations).

 

Ask yourself which you'd rather be accused of: being too busy bringing up the kids to attend to a self-absorbed child of a husband, or being a morally-deficient sex-worker intent on splitting up a home and ruining the childhoods of innocent children.

 

I think you're right that the MP do come in for flak on these boards, yes, we've all seen that. I suppose I had in mind Surviving Infidelity where of course the majority are trying to reconcile and so have more reason to vent at and denegrate the OP than the surely more accountable (in their own marriage) man sitting across the breakfast table. I always find that amusing, since both male and female BSs are posting about how it was ALL the OP's fault, their spouse was somehow tricked into it, blah blah... where both cheaters are married, they're all finger-pointing at each other's WS, in effect!

 

Basically, the only person responsible for cheating is THE CHEAT.

[marriedandsad]

I need to clarify my own position here. My husband has NOT cheated on me...EVER. My exes did, a ton, and as a result of their actions, I've become one of those people who sees suspicion everywhere she looks. My husband has had plenty of "reasons" to cheat on me if he chose to, but he hasn't. I've asked him why he hasn't, and he says he takes his vows very seriously.

 

Earlier this year when I was an emotional wreck and popping sleeping pills constantly and drinking like a fish to deal with my own demons (this all played a HUGE part in me going into the psych ward twice in a month..just took several months to happen), one of our best friends kissed me. And I didn't stop him until I smartened up and then I actually threw up. I sat on that guilt for three days. I was physically ill the entire time and cried a LOT. My husband was so worried. And during that time I took sleeping pills every few hours to try and knock me out so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I finally told my dh when I just could NOT look at him every single day and know I was lying to him. He said he was angrier I didn't tell him right away than what had happened considering I was drunk as a skunk when it happened. But the next week or 2...even month I think...he took several pot shots at me. They REALLY hurt too. But I deserved them. I went no contact with our friend and he moved across the country to get a new start I guess. I had to deal with it for THREE DAYS....I can't imagine the WS who do it for months or even years. I mean the guilt just from that kiss tore me apart from my heart to my soul. Made my throw up constantly. How do people live with that guilt???? I mean honestly!!!!

[OWoman]

You're making your MM sound more like a "cause celebre" than a true soul mate. Be careful that you don't confuse the two!

 

 

:confused: Peli I'm afraid you've completely lost me - you're going to have to explain that one.!

[OWoman]

And what happens to a person to cause them to be the type to meekly take abuse like that year after year? I mean, really, what kind of man allows himself to be dumped on like that?

 

Have you read Lankyguy's threads over on the Marriage board? I'd hazard that it's a combination of "nice guy" syndrome, "knight in shining armour" aspirations and youthful naivete. When my MM became the unwitting OM of his BW, he was the same age my son is now - a mere child! But I've not sat in on his counselling, so of course that's mere speculation...