Here's a question for the group...

[Owl]

I'll be interested in following your story.

 

I've never yet, in four years here, seen anyone SUCCESSFULLY quash an EA/PA while continuing to work together.

 

I've seen it tried many times, but it's always ended up with the affair resuming.

[Confused father]

I see that it will be very hard to do, as she is small and hot, but I can and will do it. I tend to get what I want, and I have never wanted quite this bad. I am intent.

 

We have a reward in mind for ourselves if this works, and it's worth it. Big Time.

I'll be updating, I'll be good. Patience will triumph.

[OWoman]

I'll be interested in following your story.

 

I've never yet, in four years here, seen anyone SUCCESSFULLY quash an EA/PA while continuing to work together.

 

I've seen it tried many times, but it's always ended up with the affair resuming.

 

Owl I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. I've ended As while continuing to work with the MMs, with no chance of them resuming, and no hostility or animosity after either. Simply, that's it, over.

 

As are no more a life sentence than any other kind of R - and surely it's possible to end those and continue to have dealings with an x in some other context (professional, social etc) without any danger of the R resuming?

 

(And I'm not talking about hostile break-ups here - I'm talking situations where both parties are still interested in continuing, but because of structural factors related to working together, decide that it's not in their best interests to continue.)

[Owl]

Owoman, you were able to end those affairs because there was no EMOTIONAL investment.

 

It was never an EMOTIONAL affair...only some pleasant boinking when possible.

 

It may be possible to end a purely physical affair when the whole emotional side was kept firmly out of the way. Most people can't successfully seperate the two...but...you clearly screened your potential MM for that very trait before you ever started.

 

That's CLEARLY not what's going on here.

 

And it's why he's most likely doomed to failure. And honestly, his talk of "BIG REWARDS" makes me slightly nauseous to think about...if he wants a divorce, he should share that info with his wife, so that there's no reason for her to drag her feet in getting away from him.

[Confused father]

Owoman, you were able to end those affairs because there was no EMOTIONAL investment.

 

It was never an EMOTIONAL affair...only some pleasant boinking when possible.

 

It may be possible to end a purely physical affair when the whole emotional side was kept firmly out of the way. Most people can't successfully seperate the two...but...you clearly screened your potential MM for that very trait before you ever started.

 

That's CLEARLY not what's going on here.

 

And it's why he's most likely doomed to failure. And honestly, his talk of "BIG REWARDS" makes me slightly nauseous to think about...if he wants a divorce, he should share that info with his wife, so that there's no reason for her to drag her feet in getting away from him.

 

Owl, you aren't paying enough attention, or haven't read all the posts in the thread.... my wife has cheated, may now be having an EA, and has talked to me on her own accord about the marriage not working and thinking it might be over.

Our reward is not something ridiculous, it's appropriate. This is a situation accelerated by happenstance. I appreciate your candor and advice, but don't think for a second that while you may have some experience reading posts, you can possibly know all the details here.

 

And as an aside, my new business was able today to arrange for a substantial business loan, on my own individual credit and finances, that makes my financial situation much more manageable. I have customers begging me to be up soon so they can get gifts certificates for my service.

 

And, since we have been friends for years, I think that if during the process we discovered that our relationship will not work, the OW and I can work together.

 

It's so easy to tell who the victims and perps are here, it's a great sociology experiment. A few on both sides of the coin make it possible for the two sides to have amicable conversations.

[Owl]

Actually, I hadn't missed the fact that your wife had two affairs in the past.

 

That doesn't justify YOUR affair.

 

It really is that simple. My wife once had an emotional affair. That would NOT in any fashion, shape, or form make it "OK" for me to have one at some point.

 

Your wife may indeed even be having one now, at this moment. However...that doesn't justify YOUR cheating at all.

 

Her approach to you could be due to her affairs...could be due to a new affair...or could be due to her sensing your withdraw from her as a result of your current affair. The only person who could tell you that would be her.

 

This situation isn't something special, unique.

 

And at the end of the day...your emotional affair is just as reprehensible as hers. Perhaps MORESO, since as someone who's been betrayed before, you're well aware of the emotional devestation this will bring down.

 

Something you'll learn if you happen to stay here for a long time...those "details" often have very little impact on the outcome of things. It doesn't matter how long you and OW have worked together...your relationship NOW is something altogether different since you've both confessed your feelings for each other.

 

Again...please do keep posting...perhaps your situation will be an exception.

 

I agree, btw. It is easy to tell the victims from the perps (interesting that you chose to phrase it that way, btw.) You can quickly see who rationalizes and justifies behavior that otherwise is something that very, very few people condone. You can see the distinctions between those who have been devestated and traumatized by an unfaithful partner, and those who desire to be the ones to be the one to "perpertrate" (nice word, btw) that damage on their spouse.

 

One thought...ultimately, I think you're doing the right thing by divorcing your wife. There doesn't appear to be much of a 'foundation' in your marriage to build from...on either side. I applaud your attempt at waiting until the divorce to have a relationship with someone else, and actually hope that you're able to carry thru with that 'wait'. I do think that a little honesty in the way that you're ending things with your wife would be the right way to go, regardless of how much 'messiness' it might cause.

[OWoman]

It was never an EMOTIONAL affair...only some pleasant boinking when possible.

 

It wasn't emotional for ME, no - though that doesn't guarantee anyone else not getting attached.

 

And, for the record, I don't do "pleasant boinking"... if it's not superlatively spectacular, I'm not interested

 

And, since we have been friends for years, I think that if during the process we discovered that our relationship will not work, the OW and I can work together.

 

ConDad, it's great if it works that way for you. There may though be some disappointment or discomfort if that's not entirely mutual, ie ONE of you thinks it's working, but the other doesn't. That's a risk in Rs that develop out of friendships IME - sometimes one person wants to go back to the familiar comfort of being friends, while the other invests far more heavily in sustaining the developing R... But if you're open with each other and stay on the same page, there's no reason that that can't be resolved, either. It sounds as if you're able to communicate so far, at least.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am possibly a mere 3-4 months from earning enough income to leave my wife and asking for no alimony, and trying to make in as clean and friendly as possible, but how can I keep her from finding out about the OW? Do I have to? How long do I have to wait to make "us" public?

 

Lets get this out of the way first. I have no respect for people who cheat, no matter who was cheated on first. You should have just had the cohones to leave her no matter what your financial situation.

 

Ok, now that that is out of the way, it makes no difference who is cheating on who in a divorce. It makes no difference with regards to the marital assets being split and makes no difference with regards to who becomes the custodial parent. The fact that she is the mother pretty much means she will get custody. others will disagree, but I know the reality. if she wants custody and is not deemed unfit, she will get custody. Its a crappy deal, but thats the way it is.

 

So you could tell your wife that you screwed someone in her bed and it wouldn't make a bit of difference.

 

so it depends on the reason you want to tell her about the OW. I say if you are ready to divorce, go ahead and tell her. Nothing she can do about it legally anyway.

 

But since you pretty much raised your children and was the stay at home dad all those years, that might be the only advantage you have if you want custody.

[Confused father]

But since you pretty much raised your children and was the stay at home dad all those years, that might be the only advantage you have if you want custody.

 

This is the crux of the matter. I have done all the typically female work raising the girls. The girls come to me first with everything. My wife tells them to brush their teeth in the morning and kisses them goodbye and tells them to brush their teeth and night and kisses them goodnight. Thats about it. Sometimes she comes out to see their games, but rarely. I desperately want custody of them, and I am trying very hard to make that a reality. If I have to be less than completely fully disclosed to do so, then so be it.

And we are doing well so far with our deal. We have had no physical contact that isn't work place necessary, and neither of us has broken a rule. It's the start, but we got a clean start on this project, so thats good.

I am not currently sharing any emotion or affection, so technically, I am not cheating. Therefore, I can't get caught.

 

Again, I appreciate all comments made by the board. It has helped me find a path so far, and I will keep y'all updated.

[serial muse]

I have not read your other thread, so forgive me if you explained this elsewhere. But I'm a bit confused about your MC plans.

 

You said that there was a lot of crying (I'm assuming on your wife's part?) and that she wanted the MC. You obviously don't, but are willing to play along in hopes that she'll "realize" the marriage is over.

 

It probably won't happen so neatly or easily, but perhaps whatever does come out will be worthwhile. Still, I'm not sure why people agree to go to MC, even knowing that they're not going to really invest in it. You're obviously not going to talk about your OW - and here's the thing, it's easy to compartmentalize and say that she has nothing to do with your marriage as such, but the truth is she has everything to do with your marriage counseling. In other words, there isn't much point in saying you'll go to therapy to talk honestly about your situation with your wife when you and she both (meaning your wife) aren't planning to be honest. I'm including your wife in that because you say you suspect she's still having at least an emotional affair.

 

Here's an honest question for you: Is it possible you're convincing yourself that her affair didn't really end because that makes it easier to contemplate your own, now? That's not intended as a snarky question, but I think it's important - particularly if you're really planning to "clear the air" with MC - to be willing to look honestly at your own motivations here.

 

If your wife was crying hard and then asked for MC, it seems fairly unlikely that she A) is still carrying on an affair with someone else; or that B) is ready to leave the marriage. That doesn't mean it's impossible, but it does suggest that she's not quite ready for the marriage to end. "This is not working out" can be code for a lot of things - it can be code for "let's end this," but also for "let's try again/start over." Based on what you've said, it sounds like she's interested in the second option. And that means this is NOT going to be a simple matter of a widening gulf becoming apparent in MC.

 

Please, rethink that plan. Honestly, you sound completely done with the marriage - so be done already. It's okay to be done, and it's honest. But agreeing to go to MC is a classic wayward spouse/exit affair move - often, the WS is secretly kind of hoping that the BS will have a come-to-Jesus moment that the relationship is over - and then will promptly do the dirty work of the actual breaking up him- or herself!

 

Going in with that secret agenda is misleading and rather cowardly, not to put too fine a point on it, and I think it really does a disservice to everyone involved if your only motive is to get out. If you do want to go, then please be honest about why. Perhaps you're never going to bring up your OW, but at least be honest that you're only going to MC to show your wife why you should split up. Something tells me she's not really aware of where your head is at. She thinks you're going to try to work it out. Level with her. It's long past time, and you're wasting everyone's time by drawing this out. Be up front now.

[OWoman]

Please, rethink that plan. Honestly, you sound completely done, and agreeing to go to MC is a classic wayward spouse/exit affair move - but it really does a disservice to everyone involved if your only motive is to get out. I think it's misleading. If you do want to go, then please be honest about why. Perhaps you're never going to bring up your OW, but at least be honest that you're only going to MC to show your wife why you should split up. Something tells me she's not really aware of where your head is at. She thinks you're going to try to work it out. Level with her. It's long past time, and you're wasting everyone's time by drawing this out. Be up front now.

 

SM, is that kind of honesty not best presented within the containment of MC? With a neutral, third party keeping the conversation civil and respectful, and on track, preventing hysteria or physical attack or domination of one person over another, etc? When a M has broken down to the point of collapse, often those civilised but important conversations can't happen properly without a MC (or other such) there to contain them.

 

I don't think it matters much what the understanding of someone is that gets them into MC - I think it's important THAT they get there, so that the process forward can be handled as constructively as possible, for all parties but especially for the kids. If ConDad levelled with his W ahead of the MC and said, I'll go but just so as to dump you, chances are they wouldn't land up going and instead things would turn really nasty and ultimately everyone suffers - but especially the kids.

[serial muse]

SM, is that kind of honesty not best presented within the containment of MC? With a neutral, third party keeping the conversation civil and respectful, and on track, preventing hysteria or physical attack or domination of one person over another, etc? When a M has broken down to the point of collapse, often those civilised but important conversations can't happen properly without a MC (or other such) there to contain them.

 

I don't think it matters much what the understanding of someone is that gets them into MC - I think it's important THAT they get there, so that the process forward can be handled as constructively as possible, for all parties but especially for the kids. If ConDad levelled with his W ahead of the MC and said, I'll go but just so as to dump you, chances are they wouldn't land up going and instead things would turn really nasty and ultimately everyone suffers - but especially the kids.

 

But OW, this isn't his plan. He isn't planning to be honest, so it's a moot point. If he were, I'd have a different take on this. But he has already outlined his agenda. It's hardly a rare one - this sort of thing happens all the time. And I do think it's misleading and unfair, to tell someone you're willing to try to work it out in MC and then blindside them by not trying at all, and instead sitting back and hoping they'll just figure out that the love is long gone. It's actually kind of passive-aggressive and a little bit cruel, IMO.

 

And yes, I do think that one's motives on entering therapy are significant. Plenty of people go in with the plan to not reveal anything. And what happens? Nothing, really. What good is it to have a neutral third party present to witness emotions, if no real soul-searching is done? This is clearly not a situation in which violence or hysteria have played a role; they had an apparently civil conversation the other night, in which she displayed emotion and no one got hurt. The point here isn't fear for anyone's physical safety, it's emotional honesty. And that ain't happening.

[Confused father]

Good points....

 

I firmly believe that she wants to do MC to try and keep me as a means to an end to keep the kids. If she gave a crap about me, I'd have seen it by now.

 

Yes, I am hoping to use the MC as a way of showing her that not only is the marriage over, but that if she tries to fight me, she will lose badly. I don't want the fight, I want the divorce to be as amiable as possible.

 

The OW and I have closed the door to extra-curriculars of any kind until such a time arrives when it will have no bearing on the split. We are doing this for the kids, us, her, me, the W. It's a small town, I don't need to have the biggest hottest divorce in it. Neither does she.

[Confused father]

Emotional honesty left this marriage three years ago, and I didn't buy the ticket. I was in the hospital recovering from back surgery due to gutting and rebuilding a Katrina damaged home so the family could have one again while she was emailing the OM (MM too, former patient too) and telling him I did nothing for her and didn't have the body of a force recon marine.

I've tried since then, and it has failed. Anyone that wants to say it is equally my fault can rock the f on, go ahead, and live with those thoughts. It is no longer my concern. I just want a happy life again, and I want my kids safe and secure in a loving home. Then, then I can be emotionally honest.

[2sure]

"Three years ago, while we were rebuilding, or rather, I was rebuilding our home from Katrina damage, I caught my wife having an affair...It was internet based, but I cannot be certain that they had not met in the previous 5 years of our marriage,...

Your wife had an internet affair. You felt betrayed and have been unable to forgive her. Did the two of you ever try together to put the affair behind your family ? There has to be forgiveness and it isnt your fault you can't. Its a 2 person project. To harbor this resentment for three years for financial reasons would kill any marriage.

....We have two daughters which I have raised, and coached, and love, and I did not want to leave them, but I was making no money and could not just up and leave even if I would eventually win custody (my wife is a fighter and will not just let this go when it happens)

You mention your wife is a medical doctor (physician) . We all know the amount of time and committment this takes. The two of you must have planned that she had to be the bread winner and you would stay home with the kids. This is a sacrifice on her part. She has not been home with her kids. Her sacrifice, education, and earnings enabled you to stay home. No court is going to punish her for this by taking away her custody.

 

.... as 300 pounds (but has no had the bypass surgery and is losing weight but is facing more surgeries and that operated on look and forever not being able to eat normally- and I LOVE to cook Southern food), Just when I began thinking of leaving her in 4-5 years on my own, and starting over anew, there was a spark with an OW.

Yeah, that "operated on look" and not being able to eat your southern cooking is a real inconvenience. Granted, no one signs up for a 300 lb partner and I get that.

 

I have read your complete thread from the day you started. I am pointing out the above not to bash you, but to point out just one thing I think you would benefit from being honest with yourself about.

 

Confused - its ok to have not forgiven your wife for her affair. She had an internet affair and you have not been able to get over it. Betrayal sometimes cannot be forgiven. The affair is her fault. Your continued resentment is yours since you did not end the marriage. All of the above information is simply you trying to justify your own affair, or your fianlly leaving the marriage. Your wife is losing weight, and asking for MC. She has continued all these years to support you financially. Stop it.

Your marriage sucks, it is a farce. It is your fault as much as hers.

Stop blaming her. Take the lesson and move on.

I am going to say this as gently as I can, because you sound like a sensitive person:

 

Stop blaming and man up.

[Dexter Morgan]

This is the crux of the matter. I have done all the typically female work raising the girls.

 

If you decide to get a divorce, document this in detail. This would be about the only time, other than an unfit mother or a mother that doesn't want custody, where a man can fight for custody and possibly win.

[travelgirl]

You mention your wife is a medical doctor (physician) . We all know the amount of time and committment this takes. The two of you must have planned that she had to be the bread winner and you would stay home with the kids. This is a sacrifice on her part. She has not been home with her kids. Her sacrifice, education, and earnings enabled you to stay home. No court is going to punish her for this by taking away her custody.

 

I agree with this. Also, you are not going to be able to be a stay at home dad anymore. You will need to work FT to make ends meet and will be in the same boat as your wife as far as a work/family balance. Because of this you will most likely get legal joint regardless of whose affairs come out in the divorce proceedings.

 

And believe me, I get what she did and how she hurt you but you both never gave your marriage a try again. Now, you are justifying all the hurt and resentment and trying to make it seem like you affair has more merit and realness then hers. It sounds like by her weight gain, she fell into a major depression, probably due to guilt. If both of you emotionally checked out and neither of you delved into the problems, how do you truly know what was going on in her mind or even in yours? Don't you think this is what MC is all about? You don't think both you and your wife deserve to know the real truths and feelings about your marriage even if it ends in divorce? You are worried about a knock-down-dragged out battle but at least in the end, there are no more questions and there is closure.

 

Your kids deserve to grow up with parents that understand and respect each other and their relationship, even if they are separated or divorced. Would you honestly want one of your kids to have a spouse that is doing what you are doing to their mom right now? Yes, even if THEY had an affair first, you would still want their spouse to either leave or stay and work it out. Not stay, raise the kids, save up money behind their back, and then go have their own affair and not tell your child or grandkids with the rationale that they didn't want to "disrupt" the flow of divorce.

 

Just be honest with yourself, your wife and your family. This OW is making you feel good and maybe she is the one for you but the way you are going about it is all wrong. It is almost like you are keeping it a secret to go thru MC with closed eyes. I think you are afraid of going into MC with your wife and BOTH of you speaking the truth. I think you are afraid to deal with the marriage shortcomings that led her to stray and why you are also having an affair and keeping it secret. MC has a way of bringing many "A-ha" moments out that you seem to NOT want to deal with. I think you owe it to your kids and family to at least open up and go thru some MC and get some closure with this marriage before you can move onto another women.

 

I read a book on emotional infidelity and one of the quotes was...

 

"You can keep your spouse and change the problems or you can change your spouse and keep your problems"

 

If you walk away with all of these emotions, feelings and secrets bottled up inside you without learning about why they are there, then you are likely to repeat the same pattern with another women. I am sure you don't think that now because you currently view your wife as a fat, deceiving vulture who had this coming. At the same time view this OW as a sweet, understanding, loving person who could do no wrong but you are looking at it thru rose colored glasses.

 

Another quote I read on here:

 

"Well the grass might look greener on the other side, but that's because you're not mowing it yet."

[whichwayisup]

Problem is, he doesn't want to be the bad guy here. His wife has cheated and he is in the midst of an EA with an OW but doesn't want his wife to find out because if she does, she WILL fight for shared custody. For the kids sake, they need both of you and shared custody is fair for everyone.

 

Even if you do get full custody, PLEASE do NOT let the OW move in with you and your kids, not for a long time as your kids have to adjust. They won't be ready for a step mom so soon after a D.

[Dexter Morgan]

Problem is, he doesn't want to be the bad guy here. His wife has cheated and he is in the midst of an EA with an OW but doesn't want his wife to find out because if she does, she WILL fight for shared custody. For the kids sake, they need both of you and shared custody is fair for everyone.

 

I like shared custody. Problem is, one side always wants to be considered the custodial parent, shared custody or not, so they can get money.

 

Its rare that both parents ever agree to have equal time with nobody paying support. It happens, but its rare.

 

 

Even if you do get full custody, PLEASE do NOT let the OW move in with you and your kids, not for a long time as your kids have to adjust. They won't be ready for a step mom so soon after a D.

 

I agree. Let them get use to the idea of mom and dad not being together for a while before introducing that into the mix. Thats something my xW didn't care about and it confused the hell out of my kids and caused alot of crying to me about it.

[serial muse]

Emotional honesty left this marriage three years ago, and I didn't buy the ticket. I was in the hospital recovering from back surgery due to gutting and rebuilding a Katrina damaged home so the family could have one again while she was emailing the OM (MM too, former patient too) and telling him I did nothing for her and didn't have the body of a force recon marine.

I've tried since then, and it has failed. Anyone that wants to say it is equally my fault can rock the f on, go ahead, and live with those thoughts. It is no longer my concern. I just want a happy life again, and I want my kids safe and secure in a loving home. Then, then I can be emotionally honest.

 

Whoa now. I never said anything about who's equally to blame for what. Believe me, I get that you're angry, I get that you feel like you were the good guy for a long time and you're not ready to give that up now, and I get that you're not feeling very charitable toward her. I'm not even saying that you're wrong to feel angry. Go for it - as you say, rock the f on with your anger. But that's where the honesty comes in - admit that you're angry. Admit that you want out. Admit that you're done. Admit that she lost you and she can't get you back. Why not? She did.

 

I was specifically talking about your goals going into the MC, and I'm trying to tell you that your plan:

 

Good points....

 

Yes, I am hoping to use the MC as a way of showing her that not only is the marriage over, but that if she tries to fight me, she will lose badly. I don't want the fight, I want the divorce to be as amiable as possible.

 

just isn't likely to work out the way you want it to. Especially if she is only sticking with you for the kids (and that sounds like anger on your part; don't sell yourself short there), this is NOT going to work. Because in that case, she really won't be swayed by shallow MC discussions that don't elucidate anything and won't change anyone's mind. If all she cares about is "winning" or getting the kids, I fail to see how going to MC is going to change a single thing. And on the off-chance that what she cares about is you and convincing you to try again, then yes, it's kind of cruel to lead her on. Either way - pointless.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, I know you don't want to be the bad guy, I know you want no fuss and you want what you feel is fair. But this isn't the way to make that happen. The way to make it happen is to be flat, straight-forward, honest and unemotional. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, and take action, but without rancor or thoughts of revenge. That makes you still the good guy. Don't be passive and wait around for your wife to come around somehow to your way of thinking, and hope that that will help you avoid most of the unpleasantness. It won't, because divorce is unpleasant and she doesn't want to divorce you. So just do what you have to do. It's possible to be firm and yet still kind.

 

I think that you took my comment about emotional honesty the wrong way - it's not an indictment of your behavior in the marriage throughout, but of this specific issue. And I stand by it - it's emotionally dishonest. But perhaps more importantly, from your point of view, it's also not going to help things end neatly.

 

Edited to add: you know, I was rereading that post of yours that I quoted above, and it occurred to me that what you want just isn't a therapist. How is a therapist going to help you show her that if she tries to fight you she'll lose, badly?? WTF?? In no way is that what a therapist would be there to do. What you want is a lawyer. So go get one.

[Confused father]

Ok, for those of you doubters out there, strong message follows:

 

We are going to shock the world with an upset victory. This is going to work out.

 

It's Christmas. We both have family coming in for the holiday. It is NOT the time to bring a lawyer and full "I want a divorce now please" disclosure into the mix. I am not going to ruin every Christmas for my kids from here on out like that.

 

The first week of January, I am going to start the process. No, the OW will not be brought up. However, the OW and I are having no emotional or physical contact until such a time as we can. That started days ago, and though it isn't easy, each day gets a bit easier.

 

After much thought, I have decided that those of you decrying the lack of honesty about saving the marriage as cowardice are correct. It's taking the easy path for me and hurting another. I am not doing this to hurt, I am doing this to heal. So, again, thanks for the advice, keep it coming.

 

The day to day interaction with the W leads me further each day to believing that I may be over anticipating her willingness to fight, for anything... even the kids. She is constantly telling all of us to leave her alone, to give her quiet and space, and she spends more and more time at work after 5:00, though no patients are scheduled then. And her secretary has stopped being nice to me.

 

Oh, last night we did have a fight, classic too. She had the gastric by-pass to lose weight, right? Well, not wanting to be the fat one in the group, I started dieting myself for the first time. She is unhappy with me about that. She told me she is upset that I didn't let her have this by herself, I mean crying screaming upset. Because her husband is losing extra weight while she is. She said I am doing it to show her she is weak for not being able to successfully diet. Pure projection... I think y'all can guess my motivation (BTW, we are talking 10-15 pounds here, not tons of weight, I'm actually pretty fit and run/lift/eat good food) in reality.

[Owl]

I may have missed this in an earlier post, but I'm curious...what's the marital status of the OW? You mentioned that the two of you coached soccer together...is she married as well? If so, what's her gameplan for moving forward?

 

It'll be interesting to watch this story as it unfolds. I'm especially interested in how the feelings run between you and OW if you're doing NOTHING to feed them.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh, last night we did have a fight, classic too. She had the gastric by-pass to lose weight, right?

 

ya, and I wonder who she wants to be slim for? Sure as hell not you.

 

 

Well, not wanting to be the fat one in the group, I started dieting myself for the first time. She is unhappy with me about that. She told me she is upset that I didn't let her have this by herself

 

 

What??? Oh my, she is a selfish wretch isn't she? She wants to be slim so she can be attractive to other men, but doesn't want you to be attractive too.

 

Yes, as soon as the holidays are over, cancel her.

 

 

I mean crying screaming upset. Because her husband is losing extra weight while she is. She said I am doing it to show her she is weak for not being able to successfully diet.

 

she is guilt tripping you into staying overweight so she can be the skinny one.

 

And again, if you both have a few extra pounds, then who is she wanting to shed this weight for?

 

 

Pure projection... I think y'all can guess my motivation (BTW, we are talking 10-15 pounds here, not tons of weight, I'm actually pretty fit and run/lift/eat good food) in reality.

 

You lose that weight and start looking really good. That way when you are done with her and the divorce, you will be out there!!!

[Confused father]

I may have missed this in an earlier post, but I'm curious...what's the marital status of the OW? You mentioned that the two of you coached soccer together...is she married as well? If so, what's her gameplan for moving forward?

 

It'll be interesting to watch this story as it unfolds. I'm especially interested in how the feelings run between you and OW if you're doing NOTHING to feed them.

 

1. single, never married, one daughter same age as my oldest, they are friends, but not real close friends.

2. her gameplan is to just keep being herself. she is, in addition to working for me, a musician. hopefully soon we'll be doing good enough with my business (growing like mad in this weak economy mind you) for her to quit working and play music and parent. thats that plan as I understand it.

3. NOTHING to feed them? Thats funny. Thats real funny. My business is rocking now and I have no competition. I wish i could go into details with what i do, but I have to be vague in the public forum as I'm sure can understand. But, uh, I can feed my friend. i can feed. And the cajun seafood is the killer my boy.

[serial muse]

3. NOTHING to feed them? Thats funny. Thats real funny. My business is rocking now and I have no competition. I wish i could go into details with what i do, but I have to be vague in the public forum as I'm sure can understand. But, uh, I can feed my friend. i can feed. And the cajun seafood is the killer my boy.

 

???

 

I think Owl meant "feeding" the feelings - as in, he's wondering what will happen between you and the OW (on an emotional level) if you're intentionally backing away from each other, rather than trying to grow closer.

 

Nothing to do with whether you can provide for anyone.