My fiance's 'best friend' is a girl...and they have had sex!

[Misty1979]

My fiance and I are to be married in June, but I am having issues with the fact that his 'best friend' is a girl he has had sex with. He has only known her for a year and a month and they had sex only two months prior to he and I getting together. He says it was only 'casual' and only happened once, but I can't help but to be jealous. She moved out of state four months ago, but they continue to speak on the phone daily, send text messages, emails, she even sends him 'I miss you' cards. Last month he asked if he could go to Missouri to visit her and I told him not without me. Am I being crazy? Almost every man I have dated in the past has cheated on me, so I know I have some trust issues. I guess if he had never slept with her it wouldn't be so hard for me to deal with.....

[norajane]

How long have you known your bf? Do you trust him around other women?

 

I can totally understand why you're concerned. If they had sex, even once, even once during a drunken hook-up, there's an attraction there between them. It doesn't just disappear. However, if he's marrying you and you have a strong relationship and you do trust each other, you have less to worry about.

 

He should take your concerns into consideration and should want to make you comfortable with their relationship. If he tries to blow it off or tells you that you're overreaction, that's a red flag.

 

What did he say when you told him you didn't want him to visit her unless you were there, too?

[Misty1979]

I have know my fiance since high school, so for about 13 years. However, we have only been together for 9 months. I feel the same as you said, "If they had sex even once, there's an attraction there between them." And no, they were not drunk when it happened. He said he was at her house, they were bored, they had sex, and decided to never do it again because it made things 'wierd' between them. She has a new boyfriend now in Missouri, but continues to talk to my fiance every day! I just can't see what all they have to talk about. I have NEVER been in a serious relationship with a man who has a girl as a 'best friend'.

 

He did not put up a fight when I said I didn't want him going to see her alone. He did just tell me the other day that he wants to send his 7 year old daughter to Missouri to stay with 'her' and her daughter for a week in the summer.

[AAlike]

OP have you met the girl?

[Misty1979]

Yes, I knew her for a few months before she moved.

[soconfused01]

you don't trust him. you're not secure in the relationship. don't get married until you are both of these things.

[in_absentia]

It strikes me that he's only known her for a year and a month and he's wanting to send his daughter to stay with her for a week assumedly far away? That seems kinda crazy and irresponsible. I believe people can be best friends of opposite genders (i'm female and in a happy long term relationship, and one of my two best friends is a guy, we have tonnes to talk about after about 5 years knowin each other and I've never liked him 'in that way', I have only eyes for my bf) but it seems so weird to suddenly be best friends with someone in a year, it takes longer than that.

 

Also if they were just purely friends surely she's realise how innapropriate it was to be talking and sending cards every day, I wouldn't do that to a best friend because a) it's a bit over the top and b) really disrespectful to their partner.

 

I don't think he's done anything wrong but I'd watch it and be careful if I were you. The length of time makes it seem like he probably likes her romantically/sexually on some level.

[XNemesisX]

This should send red flags up in all directions. I don't know how you can tolerate this at all. He needs to sever all contact with her. That is so disrespectful to you for him to even suggest going and visiting her. He should know better, although I do give him kudos for at least being honest enough with you to admit there had been a sexual relationship. I would keep close watch on this and ask yourself if you can really put up with knowing he has a "best friend" he has screwed around with and hasn't even known that long. Do you want her to be in the backdrop in your relationship? I sure wouldn't! And I bet if the tables were turned and you had a "best friend" you had had sex with he wouldn't be feeling too good about it!

[loveratud]

I've been the guy in your situation. My "best friend" was a girl that I had hooked up with briefly prior to both of us starting serious relationships. We still hung out all the time, much the consternation of our significant others. And truthfully, there was always a massive undercurrent of attraction and sparks between us when we would hang out. It was a dangerous situation and we're lucky we never went beyond friendship while we were both in other relationships. Eventually my friend got single and I stayed in my relationship, and I thought that was cool until she tried to tank my relationship one night and nearly succeeded. It was a very very complicated situation and I'm fortunate to have come out of it with the right girl.

 

On the other hand, I have great girl friends from high school that I never slept with and I'm perfectly fine around. But I would say as a general rule, if people have slept together in the past, that means that there's at least the potential for it to happen again. Be wary.

[Gremio]

On the other hand, I have great girl friends from high school that I never slept with and I'm perfectly fine around. But I would say as a general rule, if people have slept together in the past, that means that there's at least the potential for it to happen again. Be wary.

 

I absolutely agree with you. If they still maintain a strong friendship, I would be wary.

[loveratud]

I absolutely agree with you. If they still maintain a strong friendship, I would be wary.

 

And if you really take a look at the situation, it's like having another relationship waiting in the wings. I had this other girl that I was totally into, hung out with and adored, but we were just friends. I ended up qualifying it as an emotional affair of sorts. My point being that if at any time your primary relationship ends, there's about a 98% chance of you falling into a relationship with your "friend" that you've slept with before.

 

The best solution is for the guy to walk away from that friend, and I say that from experience. Because you build that sort of friendship up over months or years, all the while it's detracting from your real, primary relationship with your SO, and it simply can't be that way. There's a breaking point you'll reach where you're either going to destroy one of the relationships, or cheat on your SO, or both. I managed to break off the friendship before things got to that point, but I can't tell you the heartache that I feel over losing that friend, even though in the same breath I can tell you that in the long run, that friendship would have been for the worse.

 

You need to take all those feelings and fondness you have for your friend and put them into your relationship with your SO. Make new friends that you haven't slept with.