Questions about soon to be step-son

[jphillips84]

I have a couple of questions that I would like other's opinions about.

 

1. Is it OK for me to discipline(such as putting him in the corner, grounding from TV for 1 hour, no playing outside) my soon to be step-son for not listening to what I have asked him to do? (Such as take out the trash, turn down the TV, make your bed, shut the bathroom door when your in it, turn off the lights when your not in the room)

 

2. Is it OK for me to treat him as if he were my natural born child? I love him as if he were my own natural born child, but I do know that I am not and never will be his mother, but can't I be his motherly figure and give him that motherly love?

 

His father and I have been together since Nov. 06 and plan on getting married in a year, his father and I also have a daughter together. His father was awarded custodial custody in June 08, and the child's mom hasn't called but one time and hasn't seen the child since June 6th. (Just to give you a little bit of background.)

 

Thank you for your time and opinions.

[Geishawhelk]

If you've been together since 2006, I don't understand how this situation can not have already arisen.....

Just act towards him as naturally as you can.

How does your partner view this situation?

haven't you discussed this with him?

[zhsoj]

Disclaimer: I don't have any kids, but IMO:

 

1) Yes.

 

2) Yes.

 

You didn't say how old he is, but he sounds rather young. As far as discipline goes, he has to respect you as a parent. While you may not be his biological mother, you are the adult. If he is looking at dad to subvert you, then dad needs to make it clear he is behind you 100%. As for #2, I think you should go with your instincts. Those being that it doesn't matter if biologically he is yours or not. Be his mother and with time and effort hopefully he will understand that.

 

It sounds to me like you have accepted him. He may not yet fully accepted you, but then he is the child.

 

Good luck.

[jphillips84]

Thank you. The child is 8 years old.

 

Dad does support me. There were some people on another website that were telling me that I shouldn't have a relationship with the child at all. Period. It just didnt feel right and they were putting me down for being a soon-to-be step-mother.

 

Thank you all for your advice. Do you have any tips for discipline for an 8 year old BOY!! Girls are different than boys, I have found that one out.

 

Thanks again.

[zhsoj]

There were some people on another website that were telling me that I shouldn't have a relationship with the child at all. Period. It just didnt feel right and they were putting me down for being a soon-to-be step-mother.

 

That doesn't make any sense to me at all... As the saying goes: it takes a village to raise a child.

 

I have no idea what the current thoughts on child discipline are... From my own childhood I can remember being in trouble quite a lot... Being sent to my room, having a toy taken away, being grounded, the rare spanking... Ahem

[Geishawhelk]

Thank you all for your advice. Do you have any tips for discipline for an 8 year old BOY!! Girls are different than boys, I have found that one out.

 

Thanks again.

 

This is just my view (although I feel strongly about it) and I'm not suggesting this IS the case, but don't fall into the trap of thinking smacking boys but sparing girls is the right thing.

In my view, smacking anyone is wrong.

I think the best thing, if it really worries you, is to discuss this with your partner, because it's his son..... he's had more experience bringing the lad up.

This said, you must both agree what boundaries you'll set, and agree you'll both abide by them. Any discussion or disputes regarding raising kids should not be had infront of the children.

Of course, this also goes for his relationship with your daughter(s).....

Don't know if that's accurate. you sounded above as if you have girls, but i'm nor clear on that.

 

In any case, as my mother says:

"In matters of taste, swim with the current.

In matters of principle, stand like a rock."

[ThisGuy85]

Well coming from a guy who has a step parent. I think the questions your asking show that your approaching this with the right mind set. You absolutely have to be able to discipline him like he was your own child. And like someone stated above, You and his father have to be on the same page with this. Trust me, when I was little I knew how to work the system. Every time my step dad would ground me, I would run straight to "Mommy" and turn on the waterworks. Worked every time! Remember United you stand, divided you fall.

 

And as for the "love him like he's my own" That is the it has to be, For it to work. I don't know what kind of relashionship the boy has with his mother, But during a difficult transitioning time like this, He's going to need all the love he can get. At 8 years old I'm sure he's got a good grasp on whats going on, But is probably very confused at why it's happening. Try your absolute best to help him through this, Also make sure he knows that you guys love and care for him just as much as your other child. Be patient with him, It may take him a little time to adjust, but he'll warm up to you eventually.