I want out of this affair!!

[rulumni]

[font=century gothic][/font][color=indigo][/color]

 

I have been involved with a married man for a little over two years. I do now know how much detail to include here, but suffice it to say that we have broken up many times, but he has always come back into my life and I have foolishly let him back in. I am married as well, getting ready to hit my 15th anniversary next week and hate myself because of it all.

 

You see, we made plans about 2 months into the relationship that we were going to leave our families (I know, totally unrealistic) and be together. I went as far as to find a new place to live and start the separation process from my husband. B/F got cold feet or something and decided at the 11th hour that he was unable to leave his children and couldn't promise me a future (could he have not told me this before I moved forward with our plans??). Anyway, I halted my plans and finally turned around the financial stress, but he continued to re-insert himself into my life.

 

I went to counseling over everything and was basically told that I have a self-esteem problem (who knew?) and that I had to overcome that before I could ever disattach myself from this affair. I stopped going, he wasn't telling me anything I didn't think I already knew.

 

About 2 weeks ago, I found out that while he and I were separated (b/f), during one of his supposed "I need to work on my marriage" stints, he became involved with someone ELSE!!!! I found this out quite by accident, but we had become re-involved at the time I found out.

 

Basically, I am dealing with a liar and a cad. I, however, am no better than he because I am a cheater, just like he is. I have played the victim for so long, that it has become my way of life. I have spent so much time blaming him and going over all the promises he made to me that he never followed through with and using that to cushion my own blame.

 

We are currently still involved, though I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with the relationship and the distrust that I already had in him (because we both cheated to find one another), but now with the other "relationship" that he has supposedly exited from.

 

This is a complete addiction and I want out. I do not know how to get out. He will never leave his wife, he will never be faithful to anyone, not even me (duh!), but he is such a charmer, such a sweet-talker, he can make anyone believe anything.

 

I used to tell myself that I was the overall winner because after all, I was the one he kept coming back to, but I am the big loser in the end, because he will use me for as long as I will let him. That is my unfortunate dilemma. He led me to believe so many things and pushed me to see how far I would go for him and now, I am the one left holding any empty bag.

 

I have a bad taste in my mouth for counseling now. because I have had two unfortunate experiences with counselors and just don't feel that they can help me. What I am looking for now, is a conversation with people who have been the "other woman/other man" who can tell me how they got out and got out for good. I see this man every single day of my life, we work together, rather closely at times, and I feel this will contribute to an overall situation of continuing on in this deceiptful relationship, over and over and over again. It already has. I do not want to leave my job and feel it is unfair if I should be expected to do so. I like what I do, and the job market isn't exactly bounding with opportunities.

 

Can someone please help me get out of this entanglement with him?

[luvmyboys]

I just wonder where your husband fits into all of this. Certainly he must be aware that something is going on, doesn't he?

 

If you truly want out of your extramarital affair, you need to gather up the courage to tell the cad that it's over and over for good. There is no future in a married man and you are married as well, so that's a double whammy. This guy has even told you that he sees no future with you, and he still can knock your socks off?

 

If changing jobs isn't an option, can you transfer to another area within the company? If that isn't an option either, you need to make the choice that YOUR future is more important to you than the fantasy this guy brings to your life and limit your time to him on a professional basis only. Stand up to this guy with some backbone and love yourself first and regain your self respect.

 

Maybe you need marriage counseling with your husband to see why you strayed in the first place.

[willow]

It sounds to me like noone is going to offer you any better advice than you are supplying yourself with.

 

There are no magick answers to this type of situation...Oly YOU can make the decision to alter things...

 

Just remember...nothing changes if nothing changes.

[rulumni]

You are so right, but I can't seem to understand what has me so attracted to this person. He is horrible! Not only am I dealing with the situation of an affair, as a whole, which is totally difficult, but now I am dealing with the fact that I am not the only one.

 

We had yet another conversation yesterday where he told me that he realizes that I will one day move on to something else and leave him, is amazed each day when I don't. What causes us to do such stupid things?? He makes it more than clear on some occasions, that we have no future together, while at others, he swears that he can't live without me. I am lost.

 

I wish, so much, that I could turn off these feelings and stop caring for him at all, but our relationship is very deep (at least it is for ME) and we have been through a great deal together. We have broken up so many times before and when he rears his head again, I fall right back into his arms.

 

I can't understand why I give back in to him every time, nor can I understand why he keeps coming back to me. I used to think that it was because he loved me and wanted to be with me. It sickens me to realize that it is only because he knows that I will take him back...that I am a sure thing, basically.

 

That's why I came here, I was sure I would find some folks that this has happened to and maybe by talking through things, learn to let go and move on. I can't seem to do it on my own.

[km82794]

I'm sorry, but I can't point out anything to you, that you haven't already pointed out to yourself.

 

I mean look at your words.....

 

Basically, I am dealing with a liar and a cad

 

he will never be faithful to anyone, not even me (duh!),

 

I used to tell myself that I was the overall winner because after all, I was the one he kept coming back to, but I am the big loser in the end, because he will use me for as long as I will let him

 

He is horrible

 

Personally, by caving in to this guy, I see it as your way of punishing yourself for having an extramarital affair. You are self-inflicting pain upon yourself for the wrong you are committing against your husband, his wife and his children.

 

I can't offer you any more advice than the fact that if something leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I spit it out and into the trash where it belongs.

 

Sorry I couldn't help you more, but I think you already know what you have to do... QUIT!

 

If it's any consolation, you are on the right road, now it's up to you to stop the car and put it in park.

[km82794]

On another note, Willow, I love that "nothing changes, if nothing changes". It makes perfect sense.

 

Hope you don't mind if I borrow that. I could use it in my own life.

 

[rulumni]

That is exactly why I am here. I do know what needs to be done, there is no doubt in my mind at all about that, the question is how to do it.

 

That's why I came here, to hopefully find people who had found a way out of these dead-end situations so that I could get advice about how to move away.

 

I appreciate what you said about my being on the right track. It makes me feel as though I have made SOME progress, though there are days when I feel that I have totally regressed. Thank you for saying what you did. The emotional roller coaster that this kind of situation puts you on is torture. It's like your emotions change with the passing of mere minutes.

 

It is a good thing I found this website, because I can say with all certainty that reading it has started to make a difference in the way I look at things...the way I even see him, and I only found it yesterday! I can only hope that I can make a difference to someone who may be considering a situation like this one, make them stop before they go through this. People just don't realize, like I didn't, that the majority of these relationships does not end like a fairy tale.

[km82794]

Dear Rulumni,

 

Maybe this will help.

 

I'm a smoker and I need to quit because I know it is damaging my health.

 

One day soon I plan to quit cold turkey. I'm going to smoke my last cigarette and say goodbye to my "addiction". I'm not going to buy them anymore, nor am I going to do the things that make me crave my addiction, coffee, drinking, being in bars, etc.

 

I know if I want to quit, I also have to rid myself of the things that remind me of my bad habit. I'm going to throw away my ashtrays and my Marlboro miles. I'm going to scrub my walls and get the stinch out of the air. I'll rid myself of anything that reminds me of the nasty habit I once had.

 

To me, a bad relationship is just like a bad habit that needs to be broken. In my opinion, I think you need to explore the reasons that made you have an affair in the first place. Were you bored, feeling neglected, tired of the ho hum married life and needed excitement? Was it your husband, or you? No one makes you have an affair, but there are factors that may lead one to seek having one, so only you can answer what drew you to this guy.

 

You say you work with him very closely. Well, when he starts his sweet talk game remember that's why God gave you two ears, one to take it in and one to let it blow out of.

 

In my opinion, you're thinking with your heart right now, not your head. Turn it around. If he touches you, move away. If he calls, don't answer. If he comes knocking, don't open the door. If you are working side by side and you get that "let's rip each other's clothes off" look to your faces, get the hell out of the room. Get rid of all reminders of him, pictures, novelties, etc.

 

I had a person I was weak to once, we broke up because he cheated. God it broke my heart. This may sound freakish to you but, who cares if it helps, someone told me to try it and it actually worked for me.

 

I took a thick rubber band and put it around my wrist. Every time I started to think of him and feel sad or start to cry, I snapped myself and made myself think of atleast one bad thing about him, if not more.

 

I mean imagine me, snap, ouch, the d*ck said he was out with his friends. After time it worked, I guess maybe you could call it shock therapy, lol. Look at this guy and think of the hurt he's caused you, not the good times you once had and remember, all things end bad, or they wouldn't end.

 

From there, I think you need to ask yourself, "Do I want to work at my marriage", "Could it be saved?" If so, throw yourself back into it dear. You have already learned you mistake here. Rekindle that fire that made you marry your husband.

 

The quickest way to get over one man, is to throw yourself into the arms of another, in your case, make it the one you already made a life with.

 

Me, if my fiance dumps me, look out Vin Diesel!!!

 

I hope I've helped a little more this time!!!

 

[ILuvAJ4Life]

When I read your story I feel like I am reading about myself. I was in the same situation only two montyhs ago. I would leave, he would come to me and I would take him back. At the time I believed he loved me which was bullsh*#!.

 

The first thing you have to do is cut off all ties with him. Find a new job, that is the most important thing. There is no way I would have been able to make the progress I have made if I had to look at his face everyday and listen to him tell me he loves me. No matter what he did. You must find another job.

 

Fill all your spare time doing things you love to do. Spend more time with your children, go back to school, spend more time with your friends. (make sure they know you are no longer associated with the loser and not to bring him up.) The less time you have to think the less time you will have to think about him.

 

Realize that you are worthy of true love no matter what MISTAKES you have made. You deserve to be someones one and only. You also need to realize that as long as you let him come back to you that you are giving him what he wants. Not only does he get to keep his wife. He gets to have you on the side and someone else. Why would he leave any of you when you all allow him to have all of you.

 

Realize when you are making progress. For example My loser used to be the first thing on my mind when I woke up everyday and the last thing on my mind before I went to sleep(if I got any sleep). After a little while of filling up my schedule and haveing no contact with him I began to realize He wasn't always on my mind. Trust me this help if you don't realize your progress you won't believe your making any and that is discouraging.

 

You will not be able to move on unless you cut off all ties. That is the only way. You MUST find another job if you really want him out of your life. Trust me it is the only way... I hope you find this helpful. If you start thinking of him think of something else that makes you smile and do that everytime he comes to mind..

[rulumni]

These posts are really helping me. They are. Yes, I am still involved with him, but I look at him so differently ever since I found this website. Several times, I have cringed at his touch. To me, and those of you who have been through it, that is MAJOR progress!

 

km, you are so right - he is a total addiction. And I don't think your idea was freakish at all, especially not if it helps. The one thing I have to realize is that until I am ready to give him up, I will fail every single time. I used to be a smoker, and until I realized that I just didn't want to do that anymore, I was unable to give it up completely. I have to understand myself in order to understand the addiction. I have to come to realize that he is no good for my health, mental or physical...just like I did with cigarettes. I realized that I might die if I continued to smoke, so I finally quit. I have to realize that I am dying inside because of this man and if I don't stop, the damage might be irreversible.

 

I have felt neglected. My husband and I married because I was pregnant and several bad things have happened to us over the years, like him choosing his mother's wants over mine many, many times until I just gave up. Unfortunately, when I gave up, he decided he wanted to keep me. My problem is that I am just not interested anymore. I have to work on that, too.

 

ILUVAJ, thank you so much for your words. I know that in order to get 100% away from him, I have to get out of this job, but I love my job and I love where I work (plus, the job market around here isn't that appealing right now). I guess I am proud and stubborn. He had another affair years before me with someone here and she left the company. I feel that is totally unfair, he wins. No matter what I do, he seems to win. I break up with him, he wins. He comes back to me, he wins. I leave the company, he wins. It all seems so unfair, doesn't it?

 

I can't go back to school. I already have my MBA (too bad I don't have common sense to go along with it). I have looked in to teaching, though, so that I can perhaps occupy my time a little better...to keep me busy. Luckily, my kids keep me relatively busy and they actually provide me with a respite - a hiding place.

 

I guess, to me, if I can show my face to him each day, *I* win. I am FAR to stubborn, aren't I? I want to make him look at me and want me every single day, and know that he can not have me. Whenever I withdraw from him, he goes nuts. I tend to use that to my advantage to keep him begging, maybe that's my problem. I have a desire for control, who knows? All I know is that I HAVE to get myself in check and realize that he is nothing and that this will never go anywhere. He is a cheater, he has always been a cheater and will always be a cheater. As someone said in another thread, "If he will do it with you, he will do it TO you."

 

The fact that he has been involved with someone else with me somewhat in the picture should clue me in to the fact that he is absolutely nothing that I should want in my life. Now, not only do I have to deal with the fact that I am in an illicit relationship, I also have to wonder if he is cheating on me, too! What kind of life is that?? I have a man at home who cherishes me and wouldn't ever cheat on me (that I know of), so why do I find myself wanting such a lowlife as he? I guess it is akin to physical abuse - some people are just prone to finding relationships that are abusive and once they are in them, they are addicted to them and have trouble getting out, if they ever do.

 

I need a BIG HEAD SHRINK!!!! You guys really are helping me.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Hey Rulumni!

 

Here's an interesting article about "relationship addiction" that elaborates a little more on what KM was talking about.

 

Not a lot of "pop-ups" or advertisements, so it should be OK to post the link here.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

 

http://www.imagotherapy.com/therapists/Articles/loveoraddiction.htm

[ILuvAJ4Life]

You should also use some of that " i'll show him" attitude to your benifit. Use it to motivate yourself to be a better more sucessful person.

 

Thats what I did. I am so motivated now to suceed just to shove it in his face. It may not be right but, motivation is motivation. Regardless.

 

You need to make sure that you really want to keep your job because you love it and not him. It may be easy for you to say you want him to see your face everyday and want you but you must be honest with yourself.

 

You may be scared that if you do leave he won't chase you where as if you work there he might as well chase you and has a better oppourtunity to do so.. It seems to me like you know it would be good to get away but you don't really want to. I say this because I was the same way. I didn't want to be with him but I really truly did and until I realized that I was lying to myself nothing changes.

 

You have to make a desision that you truly want to be rid of him or you never will. The fact that you want him to see you every day tells me that you still want a connection to him even if it isn't romantic. When you get to the point where you don't even want to see him. Then you will be ready. But for now.. baby steps. ; )

 

Theres a quote that I came across that was like a smack in the face. but a good one as weird as that sounds.

 

"Never grow a wishbone where your backbone should be"...

[ILuvAJ4Life]

KM82794 the idea about the elastic is great. I just put one on. I wanted to comment about your advice

 

"The quickest way to get over one man, is to throw yourself into the arms of another, in your case, make it the one you already made a life with."

 

I have tryed this many times and it never worked. If you try to jump into another relationship it will only make you long for him more.

 

You will automatically compare every male to your ex loser and the new maybe even better man will always seem insufficent because you haven't allowed yourself time to move on.

 

It will only make you miss him more. It will seem as if no one can fill his shoes and that is NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO TRICK YOURSELF INTO BELIEVING.

 

Even if the man is better you won't have an instant connection therefore it will seem less appealing and make the new and better man seem not as good as the loser.

 

Do you understand?

[rulumni]

Enigma, thank you for that article. It was really great. I do believe that it is an addiction. I think my entire motivation is the fact that I can't have him. Hopefully, that is pretty natural, it seems to be human nature to want things we can't have and to lean toward that which is "wrong" or "taboo".

 

I find myself looking at him frequently, when we are in meetings, and feeling disgust and literally, nausea. Sometimes, the sound of his voice or the sight of him will make me sick with dread. I think this is progress. I don't want to hate him, I don't want to hate anyone, but if hate is the only thing that will drag me out of this relationship, then so be it.

 

ILuvAJ, you are so right and I love that quote "Never grow a wishbone where your backbone should be" That is GREAT! I really do love my job and I love the respect and the position that I have obtained and I have some wonderful friends here. I sincerely do not want to leave, so I know that part is genuine. The part about him, yes, I guess I still want a connection to him for whatever reason, but I also realize that not wanting that connection will take time and distance from him.

 

The thing is, I break away from him, just like he says he KNOWS I will do, and I get really good at letting go and moving on and then BOOM! He comes right back in to my life, weaseling his way in. He always does it in the guise of missing my company and our friendship, but then we end up romantically involved within just a few days after contact resumes.

 

I fall back into it, foolishly hoping that he has decided that he can't live without me and may reconsider leaving his wife, but it always comes back to this ending. He is extremely possessive though he will tell me that he realizes that I need to move on and find a better relationship, whether with my husband or elsewhere, but when I start moving on and talking with other people, he gets totally jealous.

 

I am addicted to him because I can't have him. He is addicted to me because he is afraid he won't have me. This whole situation just SUCKS!

 

The worst part is that not only do I have this affair to deal with and the repercussions of it, but now I have this jealousy and this lack of trust, knowing that he cheated on me, too! What a DUMMY I am to put up with it! But, like any other addiction, I guess I will have to wait until I decide that I have had enough and then I will have to move on. I have to get over this cheating thing. He swears that it is over, but how can I ever believe him? I don't even have a relationship upon which to re-build trust. I don't know his comings and goings, so I can verify that what he says is true. I can only shake my head in disbelief and shame - regret. Men like him never change, the sooner I realize that and accept it, the better off I will be.

 

I do really appreciate all of the words of wisdom and the experiences that you all are sharing. This has truly made a difference in my outlook and I feel like as long as I continue to participate, I will see results and will eventually be able to make the break.

[ksd]

I too am in a situation similar to yours. I have been in a realtionship for 3 years that I can't seem to get out of. I have never felt such passion before until I met him. I have strong desires (very strong) for him. I have been back and forth with him several times - reasons leaving are because he has anger issues and is not interested in my daughter and is very self centered. At one time I wanted to marry him and I still DESIRE him sometimes because he fills a burning desire of passion . He calls me his soul mate and that he has never felt the love he feels for me with anyone else. He is very self absorbed and loves me because I "give" him something he longs to have in his life I shop for clothes for him, I cook, clean, I offer him spritual advice, I am soft in my heart, I am honest and good with his 2 step daughters (which he is very strict and degrading to them) and we have unbelievable sex together - a very strong sexual connection. Just to hear his voice melts my heart and it makes me so damn angry because I know he is all about HIM his needs and he has this twisted way of trying to make me think he cares about what is best for me and my daughter. Anyway there is a lot more I could say about this but I wanted to go on to say that it has been about 3 weeks since I have left again, I am trying to work things out with my ex husband who is very stable and loving and giving and a wonderful father!! My ex (JD) has a lot of love for his family and wants me to get my **** together and come back home. I have come back home but I am longing once again for the other and neglecting the good guy. I have come to the conclusion that I HAVE TO CHANGE THE WAY I THINK!!! I HAVE TO BE VERY STRONG AND TEACH MYSELF HOW TO THINK HEALTHY. I HAVE TO THINK WITH SENSE (MY HEAD AND NOT MY HEART) I HAVE TO PUT MY FOCUS ON THINKING HEALTHY. I have spoke to the other many times since I have been back home. He continues to invite me into his life even though I have told him to respect my descision to move on, he continues to tell me he loves me like no other and that he will never ever let me go. Now, does this make me angry or does it tempt me to go back? My healthy thinking tells me that he is obsessed and so selfish and that he needs to respect my decsion and see the torment I am going through and just stop. But my un healthy thinking tells me that I dont matter and that this man "desires me so much" and thats all that matters.

My advice to you is that you ( like me) put 110% effort into your thinking process and realize that it is unhealthy AND MAKE THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. I would love to chat with you more. It makes me feel so not alone to know that someone else suffers as I do. Maybe we can help eachother.

[amerikajin]

>>>Basically, I am dealing with a liar and a cad.<<<

 

You are a liar.

 

You're addicted to him because you can't have him?

 

Bullsh*t. You can have him, and you've had him for two years. You come here and get all of this support from people who want to sanction adultery for all sorts of reasons. You still haven't acknowledged the real reasons why you're failing at your relationships and why you're getting into illicit relationships on top of the one important relationship you already have. Read all of the articles and support messages you want. See all of the counselors you want. You can claim that none of them or none of the information is working, and you're right, it isn't. It won't unless you begin to take some real accountability for your mistakes. I bet there's a part of you that's blaming your husband for all of this, too. Maybe he's not exciting enough. Not loving enough? Is that it?

 

Justify your stunts however you want to. You're NOT an evil person, but you are doing some very immoral things. You're living a lie. You're incredibly dishonest. You're not worthy of trust. YOU need to take accountability for your behavior and start acting like an adult.

 

Sorry if that wasn't the soft, gentle "understanding" or "compassion" you were looking for, but I'm just trying to be something you're not - HONEST!

[amerikajin]

Look, I'm sorry. I overreacted at first.

 

Not trying to stain anyone here or say I'm holier than thou. We all make mistakes. I don't know you so you may very well be trustworthy otherwise; I'm just saying that in this situation you're not being truthful. You know that already and you've said as much. For your sake and that of your family, please stop with this guy. My father cheated on my mother when I was a child and it hurt her and me for a long time. I guess I'm bringing some of that into this discussion.

 

Peace.