Should I be worried about my bf's ex?

[Charli99]

Okay, so I'm new to this but I guess I need to get this down and maybe open myself up to some unbiased feedback.

 

My bf of 3+ years had a very intense, somewhat toxic relationship with his ex (they were together about 6 years) and probably within the last year or so they reconnected and have been communicating again. She got married last year, is in the military and is abroad but her family is still in my town. What is disconcerting is that I've read past emails from them both (I know, not good of me) but they still care a great deal for one another although they both admit that it just wouldn't work between them both. They both did some really horrible things to one another when they were in a relationship so it's really difficult for me to understand what it is that still connects them? In all fairness, I still have contact with a past ex of mine that's married, has two kids and lives several states away. I don't hold any residual romantic feelings, nor he for me...he's one of my oldest friends (we've known each other since the 7th grade.) But in no way is it any way similar to what he's told me about his past with her and some of what he has shared with me currently.

 

I'm concerned that he sporatically tells me that they talk or email one another, but I know that it's pretty regularly. As of a couple of months ago, he mentioned that she is planning on divorcing her husband of only a little over a year and that she has been unfaithful with other men where she is currently stationed. The only reason I can think she'd share something like that is to see if it might "hook" his interest and try to get him thinking about possiblity getting back together. That or maybe because she's just really messed up and is trying to start crap for the sake of the attention.

 

I don't want to believe that my only course of action is to confront him, try to get him to explain why he still is so hell bent on staying connected to her when although I'm sure there were good memories to reflect on fondly, there is the fact that it was not the healthiest of pairings plus the fact that he himself has said that she's really not that nice of a person nor a good friend.

 

So, I'm at a loss!! Yes, she's a part of his past but isn't the point of having an "ex" is that there was a reason that things didn't work out in the first place and that's why we move on?! I want to focus on the present and future, not dwell on past relationships that really should stay there. He has told me that our relationship is the healthiest he's experienced, that I'm the "best thing that's ever happened" to him and I do believe that. But again, it's still disconcerting what has been going on and although I've made my feelings perfectly clear about him still talking with her, he's unwilling to disconnect from her. He's said that he had a past gf give him a similar ultimatum and will not do that again. He would always pick the friend in question over the gf. That's hard for me to digest too.

 

Ultimately, if he wants to be with her that's his decision and I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to save a relationship that I wouldn't be happy in if he's still pining away for some other woman.

 

Okay, so after that long rant.....anybody have any ideas, feedback, anything?????

[Geishawhelk]

This hacks me off.

You've been with this guy for 3 years, and you still don't know how to communicate with him that this worries you?

 

Talk to him!

Tell him exactly what you've put here!

Is this too hard?

if so, why - ??

 

Communication is one of the essential - if not the most essential component of wny relationship.

 

Talk

To

him.

[Charli99]

Been there, done that. And yes, I agree with you that communication is essential to any sort of relationship. I'm not one for giving ultimatums and we have discussed this in the past. He assures me that it's over but it's still irking me. I don't want to beat a dead horse with this subject but on the several occasions we've talked, and I've been as direct with him as I was here, only bits and pieces seem to get resolved. :/

 

I think that much of my anxiety or frustration or whatever would be lessened if I had a chance to meet her and her husband, just to at least be able to talk with her about non-relationship topics. It's difficult because she's half way around the world. I'm hoping the opportunity will present itself, I think it could be helpful all around.

 

Or, I suppose I could just be spinning my wheels.

[LittleDove]

Id be fuming....

So he would choose a friendship with an x over making his current gf happy?? the gf he claims is the best thing to happen to him..why doesnt he want to see you relaxed and feeling more loved, by leaving the past behind, of what sounds like a volotile and addictive relationship...wtf?

There are no kids, there is NO reason for contact.

 

(i was the x recently...i met up with my x, and we had sex..-bad move, but you get the idea, right? its wayyy to easy and comfortable and if you cant let go...)

 

Id dump him. Let him have her. Id be jealous, id be feeling like my wishes didnt matter, id feel disrespected, is feel like he sees me as second best...

 

JMHO..

[Geishawhelk]

Meeting her isn't necessary.

If she's that far away, your partner won't be in any position to do anything about it anyway.

 

You need to let go, and stop being threatened by a ghost....

When - and if - she moves back into the country - THEN insist on meeting her.

Until then, put it aside.

[soconfused01]

I am in the same boat. My boyfriend's reasoning is that he's just not the kind of person that can cut people off. It makes me feel disrespected, second-best, etc. It seems like you're not uncomfortable with him having a connection to the past, but that you don't trust what he says his feelings are about this ex. You've been together three years, what has made you not trust him? is your relationship pretty good otherwise?

[Charli99]

There have been at least two occasions that I know of when she has come back to town from leave to visit her family here, and they had gotten together without my knowledge. His rationale is that if he had told me about it in advance I would have flipped out, forbid him to go, etc. Can't say that I wouldn't have reacted that way but at least he could have informed me about it, would have known they were going to be in the same "air space."

 

I made it clear in no uncertain terms, that this was disrespectful as well as incredibly hurtful to me and that I would not tolerate it if it happened again. If there is nothing to hide, then it shouldn't be an issue, right?

[Charli99]

Geishawhelk,

 

She does live in Southern California, we live in Las Vegas but her mom and dad and some other extended family are here. I actually emailed her, with my bf's knowledge, back in April because he mentioned that she was coming into town for a brief visit before deploying again. I did introduce myself, at least via email, and asked if she would consider and had the time to meet us both for like lunch or something. She declined, saying that she just wasn't ready for it or soemthing like that. I accepted her answer and did not pursue futher. But she did say that she would be coming back here in December and if things changed she'd let me/us know.

 

Since I posted this last night, he and I did talk a bit but need to do more and in person. We don't live together, we're both busy with work and school, but this needs to be an ongoing convo. What I need to remember is that he is not one for offering up info without being prompted. I on the other had, feel disclosure without always needing to be asked over and over works best for me.

 

I'm more than willing to let a good deal stay in the past and I'm certainly not looking for a new bff with her. Lol.

[soconfused01]

if she's not ready to meet you, she's not over him.

 

it's little wonder you have trust issues with him when he intentionally didn't tell you he was going to see her. they are both disrespecting you and I think you should at least discuss some guidelines about what is acceptable to you and what is not regarding this girl and see if he can at least stick to those

[Geishawhelk]

Geishawhelk,

 

She does live in Southern California, we live in Las Vegas but her mom and dad and some other extended family are here. ......asked if she would consider and had the time to meet us both for like lunch or something. She declined, saying that she just wasn't ready for it or soemthing like that.

 

I suspect here, that soconfused01 is on to something.

It sounds as if meeting you would make her nervous, because then, you're real.... maybe she's trying to give herself time to come to terms with stuff.

Also, maybe the red flag isn't on his side of things but hers. he really may be complewtely sincere about never going anywhere with this, but she may have different ideas.....

Hey, look....you know what?

Let's be honest.

We're all guessing here.

We have as much way of knowing what gives, as you have.

less, really, as we obviously don't know you 3.....

 

Try to stay calm and confident.

be dignified and serene, and keep your composure.

 

be well.

[XNemesisX]

What he is doing is unacceptable. Maybe they had a volatile relationship, but sounds like neither one of them is completely over it. If they were, they wouldn't feel so desperate to keep in touch. This is just weird to me. He should find your wishes to be more important than keeping her in the wings. I don't see how you are putting up with this as well as you are. I guess you can't make him stop contacting her if he is so hellbent on it. Maybe you just have to be honest with yourself and really look at whether or not you can accept having his ex-girlfriend forever in the picture? Sounds like he's telling you to pretty much just get over it. That's very disrespectful to you.