Girl pulls my boyfriend's hands into her breasts at pool hall, I'm pissed...

[steffany]

OK I don't know if ya'll remember me from the past. But I am back and feel like I am a hypocrite!

 

Last night my bf and I went out to the local pool hall as usual. Thing is I went to go to the bathroom and found a mutual friend (female) cornering my bf in the hall to the bathroom. I confronted her because I could hear him telling her to back up and that she needed to lay off that he was in love.

 

I felt some what proud of him. So I took control and told her she needed to back of my bf. She looked shocked and apologized and blamed the alcohol.

 

Then again I noticed when he left she left behind him a few seconds. I waited a few to see what would happen if I didn't appear right away. And she was grabbing his hands and putting them on her breasts. I felt instantly so sick and furious! And the fact that he didn't do much to stop it added salt to the wound!

 

I pushed her and slapped him and demanded I be taken home right away!

 

He sat outside my door all night apologizing and confessing his love and that he will never let something like that ever happen again.

 

He never brought it up but if you remember who I am; you will remember I cheated and lied to him in the begening of our relationship. And many of you thought he should leave me and that I could not be trusted. But I have never even been tempted by that path again.

 

But all in all while he was apologizing and confessing to getting caught up in the moment. He said he is sorry it just isn't every day some girl puts a guys hands on her boobs and tries to seduce him and he just lost his judgment! I felt like a hypocrite by not wanting to except his apology!

 

 

I don't know what I want to hear from you guys but I am so hurt this morning! I loved this man! And I feel so dumb because although I am hurt and confused I still do love him. I don't want to be in a bad relationship and it has been great up until this. (well since my wrong doing) I really hate feeling like a weak person. And I don't know if it's my pride but I feel like accepting his apology and taking him back will make me weak. I hate that this has happened!

 

I used to believe that everyone deserves once to make a mistake. But it has happened so far into our relationship that I just don't know what to think.

 

I need you guys to help me think rational and level headed about this and not on instinct, pride and judgment.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Hi Steffany!

 

Glad to see you're back!

 

My question is, does your boyfriend know you cheated on him?

 

And if so, did he accept your apology?

 

And if so, again, did you think he was "weak" for giving you a second chance and taking you back??

[moimeme]

You now know how he felt when you did what you did. He was big enough to forgive you - are you saying you aren't big enough to give him the same consideration?

 

And now you know how horrible it feels, perhaps that will also keep you from making him or anyone else feel that horrible ever again.

 

As for pride - what pride? Is it something worthy of pride to act hypocritically and to not treat someone else the way you want to be treated? I'd be ashamed, not proud, of such behaviour.

[Tony T]

moimeme said it as good as it can be said. Furthermore, it showed no class at all to make the scene you did at the club. Simply walking up to him and letting him know you were ready to go would have been the ladylike thing to do.

 

I can't judge this episode because I wasn't there and I'm sure there are a lot of sides to the story. I get sort of sick of these little drunken dramas happening at bars. But it would seem that if your boyfriend allowed his hands to be put against the girl's breasts for a prolonged period of time with you in full view, his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

 

Back to what moimeme said, if you can't forgive your boyfriend after you have received forgiveness from him in the past for a worse transgression then you are surely going to pay in karma from here until the end of your life. Paybacks are hell.

[Leikela]

Do you think that maybe you over reacted just a little bit? Slapping him is borderline physical abuse right there. I can understand you were caught up in the moment of fury and frustration and sometimes we do things without thinking, but still...

 

He already told her initially to back off and that he was in love. So obviously he wasn't looking to actively CHEAT on you. However, you actively cheated on him so what he did is nothing compared to what you did to him. Men get carried away sometimes when women tempt them like that. Like he told you, he was shocked and got caught up in the moment. He's human. He didn't go out looking to cheat on you. It's forgiveable.

 

Maybe you feel so hurt because you realize what your previous actions probably did to him and a little bit of guilt is kicking in? We tend to over react to situations when it hits home more then we realize. What he did really isn't grounds at all for ending a relationship. Look deeper into your own reactions and you'll see your emotions are probably more about you then about him.

[steffany]

To be honest I had already forgiven him before I even slapped him...I'm just hurt. And that is fair enough for me to feel hurt.

 

I didn't by any means make a "big" scene. I had not been drinking. When I say I pushed her. It was more of a moving her A** from rubbing on my bf's.... Not pushed like flinging her away but moving her. And I didn't slap him while she (who quickly ran) was there. That was my reaction to his dumb ass appology! I needed to soak in what I just saw, not hear some stupid stumbling words. And neither of them saw me until I was a right there.

 

But I have been here reading posts even when I'm not active. And I have read time and time again from ppl on here not to accept this kind of behavior. So that is why I am posting. I felt weak when in my heart I knew I was going to forgive him. Because I thought I was learning from here that going back to a guy or girl that is acting like this is as stupid as him doing the act itself.

 

I mean ya'll thought he was a fool for taking me back! You guys didn't think he should ever trust me.

 

Which is why I came to you guys. I know you will be brutally honest.

 

I'm not saying That I am not a big enough person to forgive him. Forgiveness is a must. I have not ever held a grudge. I just am so hurt. The biggest hurt is that this was a girl that knew me and him. She never knew one of us without the other. She met us as a couple...actually as a date of one of our friends.

 

You know I am just so shocked! I feel like laughing at how dumb she/they must have thought I am!

 

Look I'm sorry if I am coming across as hardened and one sided. But this did just happen last night. I can't expect myself not to feel any pain. I just wanted to hear what ya'll thought. I respect your opinions because they are from an out side source.

 

And now I know that although ya'll have talked to some people like they are dumb for taking their boy/girl friends back that there is always a different answer to each new scenario.

 

I just don't want to make any blind or heat of the moment mistakes.

 

Arrrggg! I know what I did was wrong when I did it and I know he knows. But it makes it so difficult when we just proclaimed our love for eachother just not too long ago. Not that it makes what I did any better but it surely takes some meaning from his words of love to me last month.

 

Time is all I need.

[moimeme]

This was one small transgression conducted in front of you and he has apologized profusely. The people who say that an otherwise great person should be dumped over something like this are fools. Somewhere Tony posted a terrific response saying, basically, that you don't throw away a good relationship over one small thing. Maybe he'll be kind enough to post a link to that post.

 

I think you were more hurt by your friend, that you over-reacted, and that you want to dump him because your 'pride' is about making a scene and slapping him and you want to continue acting outraged because you started out acting outraged. You want to 'save face' is all. And if you are the sort of person who would choose 'saving face' over a good relationship with a good guy, he probably doesn't deserve you.

 

HE didn't put his hands on her boobs - SHE grabbed his hands. Honestly, here we have yet another case of assigning blame inappropriately.

 

The person you should dump is your 'friend', not your boyfriend.

[steffany]

He didn't stop from grinding on her A**. or breathing on her neck as if about to kiss it. It looked as if I would have stood there and not interacted that it would have taken a new turn.

 

I don't want to be a fool and let a good guy go. And as for her...Cathrine who? She was never either of our friend just a girl we were acquaintances with. I'm not outraged. I am hurt. There is a difference. And I still don't feel I made a scene.

 

I think I know what is bothering me here. The fact that what I did, ya'll are right about I made a conscience decision and effort to go out to the movie with thguy and kiss him. But that allows me to make the conscience effort to not do that again.

 

What he did he acts like it was not on purpose. That it just happened. So please help me understand how can someone who didn't mean to do something promise not to do it again?

 

If he didn't mean to bump and grind and feel this girl up then how can he promise he won't get caught up again?

 

Does that make sence? I can whole heartedly and honestly say I have never thought of or will never do what I did ever again. It is a decision, a conscience effort to be true and honest to the guy I love. But how can someone promise not to do something they never meant to do?

[midori]

I heartily concur with what moimeme, Tony & others have said.

 

While I'm sure you were and still are hurt by what you saw, I think you should try not to blow this out of proportion. Your boyfriend did NOT plan this, and he resisted this woman's advances at first -- as you yourself witnessed. So it's silly to imagine that "they" were "thinking you were dumb."

 

I absolutely understand that you're hurt, and I agree that you have a right to be. But keep it within reason. Your boyfriend did not deliberately undertake to cheat on you. That's not the case with what happened earlier when you cheated on him, right? That was a deliberate, knowing choice on your part. So while you've had a taste of your own medicine, remember it's a taste.

 

I'm just wondering if maybe you're trying to "even the scale" of wrongs you've each done the other. You know, by latching onto this admittedly bad act you can in effect cancel out what you did to him in the relational reservoir of who-did-what-to-whom, and who's-the-better-person. If so that's foolish: forgiveness is either whole and complete or it isn't at all. If your boyfriend has forgiven you for cheating, you have to be big enough to accept that, and live with whatever guilt you feel about hurting him. And now he has something to feel bad about too, and you have to decide if you'll forgive him. The two transgressions aren't related except for the fact that they invovle the two of you. His straying doesn't make yours any less bad, nor does yours make his any less bad. But obviously if you compare the two, your deliberate act was more hurtful than his bad judgement.

 

If you know you can trust him, why wouldn't you forgive him?

 

Lastly, as others have said, this woman is NOT a friend. I would freeze her out of your social network.

[steffany]

So no I am not trying to even out the scale. If I were I wouldn't be here talking with you guys instead I would be beating the dead horse with him. I wouldn't be here at all.

 

I agree with all of you. I really do.

 

I just wish I didn't see what I saw.

 

Your right that it wasn't the worse thing to ever happen to a person.

 

And I do forgive him.

 

And I am not a friend with this girl.

 

But like I said I am hurt. I feel a little taken back.

 

But I really am interested in hearing how can someone promise to never do something they never meant to do?

[moimeme]

Does that make sence?

(sic)

 

No. What makes sense is that you might want an excuse to dump him and you're trying to cling desperately to this one thing to use as an excuse to do it. You have come up with more rationalizations for dumping him than Bush did for invading Iraq and you're not listening to what you're being told. So dump him. But don't then come back moaning about having dumped a great guy and wanting him back.

[steffany]

Thanks for all your comments.

 

I will do what I want to do now.

 

I was just looking for some veiw points.

 

And I have found them.

[vaughan]

First of all Steffany, I am really sorry that this all took place. I do not know the whole story as I am new to this board but I think the problem is this happened in front of you. You saw it happen where I am assuming your discretion was never in front of his eyes. That being said, I do agree with everyone else that you finding it hard to forgive and move on comes from something within you. I am not condoning his behavior but if your heart is really 100% with him, I feel you would be more on the side of moving on.

[steffany]

really I would. But to think that after watching my boy and someone we know do this at a place all our friends are that I'm just supposed to wake up happy is obserd to me.

 

I think I have the right to call for a few girls nights and watch '2 can play that game' and 'waiting to exhale' and other girly movies that may help me let some tears out I haven't been allowed yet.

 

And I think I have the right to feel hurt.

 

I gave him time and respected his feelings.

 

Anyone in this sort of situation deserves to feel hurt and time to feel that hurt.

 

I just don't understand how he could tell me how much he is in love with me and blah blah blah and then disrespect me.

 

I'll get over it but first I want time to feel hurt and maybe cry a few tears.

[midori]

Originally posted by steffany

 

I think I have the right to call for a few girls nights and watch '2 can play that game' and 'waiting to exhale' and other girly movies that may help me let some tears out I haven't been allowed yet.

 

And I think I have the right to feel hurt.

 

I dont' think anyone here has suggested that you should be cheerful and chipper as if nothing happened.

 

Go ahead and cry, have your girls' night out, whatever. At whose expense would that occur?

 

But if you're proposing that your boyfriend should stay in the doghouse, so to speak, until such time as you feel you have been sufficiently indulged ... I think you might be in for an unpleasant surprise. I can't imagine anyone putting up with that for very long.

 

I really am sympathetic to how you must be feeling, and in your shoes I would want to wreak some unexpected and terrible revenge on this awful girl. But something about your posts strikes me as weird. I've already suggested that maybe you're trying to lessen the load of your own transgressions -- it's for you to decide whether there's any validity to that. But I also think it's weird that you're concerned with what you're "entitled" to, as if this were a scripted, formulaic moment.

 

Your boyfriend got caught in circumstances that better judgement would have avoided altogether. And you got hurt. You know he's very sorry. Why are you determined to milk this for all the sympathy you can get? Just seems like you're not actually concerned with being connected to your boyfriend. You seem to be more concerned with playing the role of Wounded Girlfriend.

[Tony T]

midori said it well above. We all enjoy being victims when we should be taking responsibility for our feelings. That's the easy way. Yes, it's OK to be hurt and pissed. But not into eternity.

[steffany]

I'm not milking anything. If I wanted to keep him in some dog house and have him feeling bad that he hurt me for my own gratification I definantly wouldn't be ranting here. This is the cyber world. I can vent and rant and no one else will know but ya'll and I can get somethings off my chest so I don't say them at a not so optune time.

 

This is a place I can express some feelings. That is it. I have already told him I'm not breaking up with him and that we will move on and that I'm not mad just hurt. He hasn't heard any of this...you guys have. So I'm not by any means taking advantage of the situation.

 

But once again I feel as though by me wanting to cry...since I have not done that yet...and wanting to mope around for the day that I am a cold hearted person for this.

 

 

I have been more than understanding towards him. But before I just went on with my merry life I wanted to come to you guys because I value your opinions.

 

So just because I am questioning things to you and trying to understand somethings does not mean I have put my bf on an unfair trial.

 

I love him and don't understand how he could do this. That is it. I'm hurt. And it wasn't by anyone but him and her. So who should I place my hurt on? I guess me. I don't know. And I don't beleive that he gets a strike because I got a strike. I am forgiving him because I love him not because I have messed up before.

 

Eternity? My goodness people it has not even been a day.

 

You know what thank you for letting me vent. I just wanted to make sure I shouldn't be ending this with him.

 

And if you feel as though I was pushing you to say that I should end it, you are right. I wanted to know if for any reason any one felt that way. Because I am forgiving him and I am staying with him. And I wanted to hear from the other side. From someone who might think I shouldn't and hear why.

 

Not because I want to leave him but because I want more than one opinion so I can make my ultimate decision a good one. I don't want to be blinded by love.

 

Now I'm going to go ahead and mope. And cry. I can only get over the hurt if I truely feel it.

[Tony T]

I pray to every God who ever existed that the Internet never becomes a substitute for the offended to communicate hurt to the offender or to express any other feeling that should be most appropriately directed at an individual. However, I do understand your desire to rant. You might want to mention next time that things have been worked out...and that you just want to rant. That way we'll take it a little less seriously.

 

If your post here is an indication that you have not sufficiently resolved your feelings with your boyfriend, talk to him again until things are ironed out and you can put this behind you.

[steffany]

I for instance did not want to talk to my girlfriend about this.

 

And everyone needs someone to talk to and rant with and vent to. And I find that boards like this are just the place.

 

Sometimes what we say to our girlfriend or who ever we lean on in times like this is not what we want to say to the person who hurt you. But yet you feel it and want to get it out.

 

I think that the internet is a great place to get somethings off your chest.

 

And your right I should have said that I had already told him we can work on this.

 

But I wanted to know what you guys would have done in my position.

 

I think my trip to vegas this week is just on time. We need time apart.

[Tony T]

I do agree that there are some things that are much better said on the Internet than directly to a person. There are many people out there who have very big mouths. After reading some posts on this board, I am terrified of talking to friends about personal matters which, if compromised, could mean major problems for me.

 

Yes, tell us you have a rant and we'll shut down the airport for your exclusive landing priviledges. (Which means that you can take as much space as you like to get things off your chest...just let us know that's what you're doing. I feel stupid giving advice to somebody who's just ranting. I rant all the time and the last thing I want is somebody telling me not to.

[steffany]

Your advice was still very much needed is the thing.

 

I just tried to keep myself calm as much as I could last night. I said to him last night before I went to bed that I am sorry it has come down to something like this and we will talk this over and work it out if we can.

 

So when I go to talk with him before I leave outta town is when the real dicesions will be made.

 

I just didn't like how I felt like ya'll thought I had yelled at him and scolded him and left him waiting my decision.

 

I am mad but I do love him.

 

And to be honest I have always admired the opinions and advice given on here. I wanted to know what you would do. I didn't just want to rant. I wanted to know how you would handle this.