BF Disappeared . . .

[Copperkitty007]

Last weekend my BF and I did not have a nice weekend, but we had a long heart to heart and decided to try and work on our issues. He then took me to lunch, held my hand, called me his baby girl and kissed me goodbye (also looked back as I was leaving and blew me a kiss).

 

Monday evening we had a nice conversation and the next day he was leaving to go out of town and said he would call me when he gets settled. That was supposed to be Tuesday evening. I have not heard from him since Monday evening and I dont really know why.

 

It could be he just needs space and he is busy with his friends/family (plus its a hard time for him - thanksgiving was always at mom's house and she passed away a yr and half ago).

 

So I decided this morning to call him. he didnt answer and I left a message saying, "Hi, happy thanksgiving, I hope all is well. I havent heard from you in a couple days and wanted to know if you are ok or that you just needed space. If its a space issue thats ok but it would have been nice to get the heads up. Either way I hope you have a nice trip. Gobble Gobble"

 

Anyone have any clue what mght be going on in his head? Does he need time alone to think or is he trying to distance himself to break up. I am at a loss, especially since I used to hear from him multiple times a day.

 

Thanks for any advice, thougths etc . . .Happy turkey day.

[Geishawhelk]

When is he due back?

[Copperkitty007]

he is due back saturday evening and we had discussed previously that we would try to get together and do dinner then, but now i guess that might be off. i am at my parents house for turkey day (3hrs away) and was going to leave early to spend saturday night with him, but i have decided even if he calls i am staying until sunday.

 

any clue what is going on? he hasnt returned my call even from this AM.

 

i am hurt to have been ignored without even a heads up but i didnt let on in my message, i was upbeat . . .

[Geishawhelk]

carry on being upbeat.

THis is a rude and inconsiderate thing to do, deliberately, and it seems a very odd way to behave.

 

Keep an open mind, and wait until he touches base.

This should be interesting, huh?

I mean, who knows what goes on in the minds of people when they do things like this?

 

Not trying to be negative or anything, but you are sure he got to where he was going ok?

[Angel1111]

Maybe something happened to him. Has anyone else heard from him that you know of? Before you jump to conclusions, first make sure nothing has happened. If it turns out that he is just ignoring you, then don't see him again. This is his chicken way of ending things. Let him end it this way, and don't waste another minute on him. There aren't enough conversations in this world to excuse this kind of stupid behavior.

[Copperkitty007]

i know he is OK b/c i saw he posted on facebook yesterday . . . i am very, very hurt but i guess you guys are right. he is disrespectful and rude and i deserve better . . . i just hope i find it . . . the problem is i love him.

[Angel1111]

i know he is OK b/c i saw he posted on facebook yesterday . . . i am very, very hurt but i guess you guys are right. he is disrespectful and rude and i deserve better . . . i just hope i find it . . . the problem is i love him.

 

Yes, it's a problem because it hurts you deeply. But it's been my experience that if you've been with someone for awhile and they decide they don't want to be in the relationship anymore, or they're confused, this will never change. I'm sorry, I'm just not really hopeful about this situation.

[Copperkitty007]

So this is the reply I got, do i dump him, let it slide or have a talk later?

 

"hi Copperkitty

 

happy thanksgiving to you and your family. i hope you are having a good time with your family. you must have enjoyed the ride in your new car.

 

sorry i have been reclusive. i needed my space.

 

we just had a nice feast and now am hangin with my sibblings. gary is sleeping over so it will be nice to end the day and start one together. this hasn't happened in probably 20 years.

 

back to football.

 

ttyl"

 

Thought or advice on how to handle?

 

Thanks!!

[shadowplay]

So this is the reply I got, do i dump him, let it slide or have a talk later?

 

"hi Copperkitty

 

happy thanksgiving to you and your family. i hope you are having a good time with your family. you must have enjoyed the ride in your new car.

 

sorry i have been reclusive. i needed my space.

 

we just had a nice feast and now am hangin with my sibblings. gary is sleeping over so it will be nice to end the day and start one together. this hasn't happened in probably 20 years.

 

back to football.

 

ttyl"

 

Thought or advice on how to handle?

 

Thanks!!

 

I would talk about it later, but that email was pretty cold. Also he can't spell siblings...that alone is dump worth, imo.

[Geishawhelk]

The only personal (between-you-two-guys) remark he made was "sorry i have been reclusive. i need my space."

 

(First person singular should always be a capital "I" - ! Agreed, Shadowplay? )

 

All the rest of it was chit-chat, a filler, to just lengthen the message and fill the space on the 'paper'.....

 

The comment above, is the clincher.

he's telling you to back off. He didn't contact or respond, because frankly, he didn't want to.

 

You know what I'd do?

I'd comply.

I'd personally kick him to the kerb, pick up my life, and enjoy it.

 

I know you have feelings for him, but he's not 'on the same page' as you.

He doesn't feel the same way.

So investing time, emotions and energy into a relationship that is all from you and zero from him, is pretty soul-destroying, and thankless....isn't it.....?

 

Go complete, total No Contact.

 

Do the delete/erase/block thing.

Wipe him off everything, and every means to contact you.

 

In this case, it will be the best thing you've ever done.

 

Hugs and hang in there.

You can do better, bigger and more loving than him.

[Copperkitty007]

Thanks Geisha, Angel and Shadow.

 

The only problem I have with you saying he is not on the same page is that this is the first time he has acted like this. Up until our very bad fight last weekend (and the weekend before) he contacted me numerous times a day, said he wanted to spend all his free time with me (and we did) and was very loving and affectionate.

 

Could it be that to get back to a healthy place we needed space to reflect and miss each other?

 

I still think the way he did it was childish and immature, and would need to have a conversation with him about better communication skills. But, this being a 180 degree turn around in the way he is normally with me after a bad couple of fights might not mean that he is "just not into me"

 

For now I think I will continue to give him his space, go out on a few dates and see how much i really care about him and see if he can get back to a more loving place.

 

Dating sucks!

[Copperkitty007]

this is the e-mail i was thinking of sending, what do you think?

 

hey _____,

 

i hope you are enjoying your time in NY. My drive over (to my parents) was very nice, smooth and relaxing. (i got a new car)

 

I am having a very nice time with my family and last night was actually a lot of fun.

 

I hear ya about the need for space and actually welcomed it. But the problem i have with this is I could have sworn that on sunday, during our heart to heart, you promised to work on better communication skills.

 

and on sunday I could have sworn we left on very sweet terms.

 

and on monday i could have sworn that we ended our nice conversaton with you saying "ill call you when i get in and get settled"

 

i am quite acommodating and want to give you (and myself) all the space you want and need, but if you want a loving healthy relatonship with me you will need to hold up your end of the bargain. its not right, fair or respectful to not even give me the heads up that we need some space.

 

well, i am off to the beach (_______ is named one of the top 10 beaches in the country). I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip.

 

take care, copper-

[Geishawhelk]

Very nice.

 

But -

 

Don't send it.

 

Wait, if you must talk to him, for his return.

But I'd not contact him again, until then.

 

To contact him now is doing exactly what he's asked you to NOT do.

He wants space.

This is crowding him.

 

leave him be.....

 

[Copperkitty007]

great advice geisha, i actually feel i need space too. i need to think about if this is someone i really want to be with - someone that cant communcate and doesnt take my feelings into account or respect me.

 

i know he will want to see me sometime next week and i will say it then, until then I will have NO contact.

 

hugs and thanks

[Shygirl15]

Aargh. Yes I agree with Geisha. Don't send that sweet, kinda desperate email to him. Go NC. Let him learn the hard way.

[Angel1111]

In case you need for anyone else to chime in here, I agree - do not respond to that email. It was cold and uncaring. Give him even more space than he asks for and don't respond to anything until you've distanced yourself for awhile. You need to go into stealth mode for awhile.

[Walk]

I agree with the other posters. Do not respond to him. His lack of response from monday through thursday could have been accepted due to the craziness of holidays, but then his only communication was that email?? Not even a thought about your safety, your feelings, your thoughts... not one. He couldn't even sign it saying he cared, or he was thinking about you.. nothing. Just "ttyl".

 

His "sorry i have been reclusive" was like some one kicking you in the gut and saying "sorry I hit you". In my book, anyone who starts an apology with 'sorry i..', doesn't mean it. When you realize you did something wrong and you want to apologize for it then you state "I am sorry for doing x, y or z" and then you elaborate on why you realize it was hurtful to do that. He didn't. All he's saying is 'I needed space. Deal with it"

 

<rant over>

Anyway... you won't accomplish anything positive if you attempt to reach out to him before he's ready. You might as well scream at a rock for all the good it would do.

 

Also, this is just my experience, but do NOT communicate with him by email until you two have a face to face discussion about the past week. The only communication you should have on the phone is to set up a time and place to meet to discuss the issues. Don't allow any other form of communication.

 

Last thought: don't pretend everything is hunky dory. It's not. He obviously has issues he's not willing to discuss with you at this point. That's fine, but he does owe you the common curtesy of informing you of what he's planning on doing (i.e. not talking to you indefinitely). Don't drop everything to talk to or see him. He's shown he's not willing to give you a modicum or respect by calling you to say he's okay. Don't wait for him like a puppy who's happy with any little shred of attention he'll give you. Go out and have fun, make plans, don't wait around for him and don't respond to him until he's showing that he's serious about talking with you in person about what's really going on. It's not about playing games though.. so don't do it out of spite. But show him that you're a smart, capable, confident woman who's happiness is not dependant on him being in your life. (even if it feels that way right now, you know your not co-dependent on him to feel happy with yourself)