She Said She Doesn't Love Me....after 14 years!

[What Now]

Well, it happened. I love my wife, I think she is beautiful and sexy and I want nothing more then for us to be together but I guess that is not what she wants.

We have been married for 14 years, have 3 kids 13, 9, and 5 and life is just plugging along. Things were not all rainbows and sunshine but I didn't think it was all that bad either. We have "settled" for a lack of better word but no real problems.

Two weeks ago she tells me she doesn't know who she is or what she needs, she needs to re-find herself and she is going to counseling but she doesn't know if the future involves me. She wants space, she wants time. I am hurt, mad, crying, shocked......

We don't talk, she won't. Untill last night when she finally admits that she just doesn't love me and she needs to move on. She says she understands the pain and consequences of a divorce but she just can't pretend and live life without love. We are older, over 40, have houses cars etc....lot's of things to decide in the future but not right now. We have talked and everything is sort of calm today (Happy Thanksgiving!) but our (her) plan is to do nothing drastic but just carry on for a few months and see what happens.

I love her. I want her. But it is not returned, I don't know how long I can live with a women, in the same bed, without love and sex until when?

What about the kids? What about her? What about me?

 

Thanks for letting me ramble, she has a friend that just divorced and she talks/texts her all the time!

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I'm no therapist, but you don't suppose she is seeing someone else??

 

That "find myself" keyword always makes me thing of a similar experience I had in the past.

[whichwayisup]

For the sake of your kids, she owes it to you and to them to TRY to work through this, get counselling and also when she's feeling abit, do marriage counselling with you. (Though make sure the counsellor she uses also does marriage counselling.)

 

It could be she is overwhelmed of being a mom and feels like she doesn't have her own life. Your youngest is 5 and probably started school not too long ago, so that's a big adjustment for her to not have a child at home during the day..

 

Is she depressed? Or seem down? How long has she been feeling unhappy with you and the marriage?

 

OK, this divorced friend..Male or female? Could be this 'friend' has had some pull over her and has filled her head up with stuff.

[skinman]

What Now,

I feel for you man.. my wife of close to 16 years said the same thing to me a couple months ago.. We tried the lviving together and giving her space thing but it didnt work she finally asked me to move out a month ago. I know all the thoughts that are running through your head seeing all your dream and plans for the future disappearing before your eyes. Its tough man knowing that your cildren will be affected and she doesn't seem to care.. Same way my wife is all she cares about is herself. My advice would be to give her the space... the more you hold on and pressure her and saying Ilove you and all is just going to push her away farther... It did with my wife.. She changed right before my eyes to someone I didnt even know... The hateful things she said after spedning so many years together have torn me up...

 

During this time look at your self and see what you need to do to help change for yourself... Take care of you and do stuff that will occupy your time and make you happy.... if she is going to be selfish then you should to.. Make sure your kids know that you love them and its not their fault.

If you can get her to counseling try and do that for the sake of saving your marriage... My wife totaly refused counseling she said she was done

and was hoping to find someone she had more in common.. as for the friend my wife has quite a few that have been divorced over the past 5 years and they more than likely are feeding her advice...

 

keep plugging away and take care of yourslef... best wishes for you I hope you find happiness.

[What Now]

Thanks for the responses, I really need the support right now even if it's from total strangers! I need to know that I am not alone and this happens to normal people....

Whichwayisup, I think you have it nailed pretty well, she is depresed, she is lost. For years we had things in life to focus on, we were in the military and moved every few years, the kids came and then we moved back home 5 years ago. She finished her Masters and is looking for a full time teaching job and hasn't found one yet.....budget cuts everywhere ya know!

She says she has to find herself again, she says it's her fault, her problem and she does feel guilty, angry whatever for doing this. The "friend" is another female and yes, she has had a little to do with this. Basically my wife talks to her and she is a good listener and of course offers advice. I don't think she is telling her how great things are being divorced with kids but more like the option is there and maybe that she could explore it?! Don't know!

I told her last night that it is she who must move out, not I. This is her choice, not mine. I told her she has a few months to figure out what she wants but I can't live together/apart. (Does that make any sense?)

Anyway I think that hurt her a bit, I don't know what she expects but I have to stay put, keep my life together, I won't move out. In my case I want her to stay and am sort of trying to show her just how difficult it is going to be to leave us.

My wife got up early this morning, I got up with her and asked if she wanted coffee (I make it better!!) and she said she justs want to be alone.....then about 1/2 hour later she got showered and dressed and went shopping.....on Black Friday....how alone can you get with that!!?? Hopefully she will enjoy her morning!

 

I do love her and I am going to have a real hard time "giving her space" but I know I have too, this hurts.

[whichwayisup]

she is depresed, she is lost

 

Then she needs to deal with this before it gets worse. She just THINKS it's you and the marriage, and her first reaction is, "I'm unhappy so therefore I don't love my H" when infact the depression is messing her mind up and affecting her in so many negative ways.

 

Help her get counselling and tell her now isn't the time to be making such serious decisions and choices..Once her D is under control and she's found herself again, I'm sure she'll be happier and not want to walk away.

 

You're handling this well, even though it hurts, allow her that time and space. Continue to make her meals, help out around the house, try to stay upbeat and positive because right now YOU are the stable parent and the kids need that.

[RecordProducer]

I am hurt, mad, crying, shocked......

Okay, pick up yourself NOW and cut that melancholic crap. Women want to see a strong man and the best way to show her that you're strong (and become strong, because you will preserve your self-respect) is to NOT let yourself fall apart. If she sees that she can break you in a million pieces, she knows she can control you and she can't respect you.

 

Act as though you don't care too much. Let her see that you're fine without her and you can manage your life and still have fun. Focus on other things, go out with your friends, and act happy. This could be just a temporary crisis and if she sees that you're strong, she will come around.

 

Are you sure she's not seeing someone?

[Eyeofthoth]

I really feel for you. I too went through the disintegration of a 15 year marriage with kids. No matter which way it eventually turns out, you have just had the door opened to a long hard path in front of you. Remember though, even when you are hurting the most, that change in relationships is inevitable, and that we can show courage and grow personally from how we handle the changes, which is the only thing in our control.

 

I just wanted to tell you that you are doing great. Absolutely hold firm to not moving out and be there for your kids. You are so right that if she wants out then she has to be the one to move.

 

Be kind, be strong, be altruistic even, but take care of yourself first and then your children. (Remember what they say in the air safety talks -- attach your own oxygen mask first so that you will be breathing when you turn to assist your children.)

[What Now]

Are you sure she's not seeing someone?

 

Well, I can't be 100% positive but I am fairly certain she is not!

 

I've had a very short time to deal with this, I know I am going back and forth with emotions and I'm sure that is natural. I will try and remain strong and in control yet allow her to have her space, it's a very fine line and sometimes I can't see it!

For now I am going to try to stay quiet and calm at home, I'm not going to press the situation and let her and her counselor have a chance to discuss this. I already have a place to live about 60 miles away in January if there is no progress. Maybe she just needs to see how stupid a decision it would be to live life as a divorced family. I really don't think she see's the big picture, her "friend" and her husband are going through a divorce except he is still here and they have not truely separated, for the sake of their 5 yr old. She has moved out but stays with them at least a night or two per week. If my wife thinks that I will do the same she is in for a big surprise! I have told her I will move, she then accuses me of abandoning our children........hmmmmmm, isn't she the one that is not happy and wants change??

Goodnight y'all and thank you very much for listining and offering advice and support! I do appreciate it.

[jman66]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Pretty much the same thing happened to me two years ago. My wife turned 40, and after 16 years of marriage, two kids, and what seemed like a great life decided she no longer wanted to be married. I later learned that she had a married boyfriend.

 

Everyone is different, but if I could go back in time the one thing I would do differently is not fight her so strongly on the decision. Like you have read, and probably know, trying to pull her back will only push her away.

 

I think your decision to have her move out is great. I wish I had done that. If she wants out, let her make the sacrifices (finding a new place to live, etc.). Stick to your principles, take care of yourself and the kids, and start moving on without her. Moving forward is going to put you in a much better mental state, and make you appear strong to her.

 

Whatever happens, it's going to be a tough road. Best of luck to you.

[What Now]

Yes, it's going to be a tough road.

This has all happened so quickly, not the problems but the realization. The wide swing in emotions is incredable, I have never felt like this before and hope never again! I think right now I am more calm, ready to just keep my mouth shut and let things work out. I have told her repeatedly that I love her and I want us to work this out, she says there isn't much chance of that. So okay, no use beating a dead horse and no reason to continue to cry and beg her to reconsider. Her mom is having surgery in a week, she will have to stay with them for a week or two. I am planning on taking the kids to my sisters the week of Christmas and being back home Christmas Eve, she wouldn't let them be away for Christmas and I sort of agree. She thinks we can do all this and settle things out in an adult, friendly manner. I think we can too even though I hurt and am angry but I can deal with it and I know that in time it will get better.

[RecordProducer]

Your situation is weird. It's funny that in both your posts you mention the friend, which means you suspect that this friend has influence on her, even though you didn't state that explicitly. Is it possible that your wife is a lesbian and has a crush on her girlfriend? She told you she can't live without LOVE; yet she wants to stay with you under the same roof. I understand that this might be merely out of convenience (children, finances), but usually people want to make drastic changes when they aren't happy. Is this perhaps just a way for her to avoid sex?

[What Now]

Now thats funny! No, not a lesbian, I don't think she is looking for sex. I think she really truely needs to find out what is missing in her life. It could be that she has spent the last 15 yeras being a mom and wife that she forgot who she is, hell, I forgot who she was and I think that is the problem. I'm just jealous that she can talk to this other lady and not to me!

I don't know the future holds, all I know is that we have said all we can say and now it's time for time to do it's thing. Eventually she will find what she needs, that spark, that something that makes you get up in the morning happy to face the day. If that includes me, great. If that doesn't include me then I guess I will move on and start a new life. Either way I am resigned to the fact that it is out of my hands and it will be up to her to heal herself and find whatever she needs to find. I will do whatever I can to help................

[2sunny]

WN-

 

you need to stay in the house and keep the kids on a regular schedule. she is not interested or capable of this right now.

 

is she willing to do any counseling? seems appropriate to at least be open minded enough for her to try after all these years.

 

yep, the decent thing would be for her to bring those emotions to YOU - not the friend. doesn't sit well with me.

 

i hate to say it, but you need to dig deep and find out for sure she's not seeing someone else. something else is going on here and your eyes are closed to it. check her cell phone for texts, and phone calls outgoing and incoming. also check her bill. check the computer for the history and her email for any incoming and outgoing email. also the trash section of email and computer. place a voice activated recorder (they make ones that look like a pen or a lighter) in her car. retrieve it after she's been in the car and see what she says while driving or on the phone. you can also place one in the house while you're gone. check what money she's been spending. check where she's spending her time while the kids are at school. she may SAY she's one place... but may be another.

 

has she changed any habits lately? clothing style, working out, hair or makeup... lost weight? these are clues to what may actually be going on.

 

when you can tell us more about this kind of back ground then we will have the facts or more info to determine what is actually happening here.

 

in a high percentage of folks that post here - what they actually think is happening at the beginning isn't actually the truth until the spouse uncovers what the truth is or isn't.

 

good luck, you've got some work to do...

[What Now]

You know what, I'm not so sure I care anymore! I was thinking about this all night, the past few months I have been like a single dad anyway. I am retired military, we both substitute teach, her more often then I. It is me that gets the kids ready for school, it is me that takes care of the house (because I am home all day) it is me that makes dinner, it is me that does most everything. I don't mind, I like it most of the time. We haven't had real sex in years, there hasn't been any real passion, so basically I have come to the realization that maybe it's fine if this doesn't work out.

I know I am on an emotional rollercoaster and this feeling may pass but maybe I should start getting out and finding new friends and things to do. At least now I still have my wife to stay at home with the kids while I go out! Works both ways right!?

I just wonder how long two people can live separate lives under on roof, in one bed. I'm sure there are many out there that do it, but it's not going to be easy. I guess I've had it easy for many years and this is my time to suffer?! I don't know. All I know is hat my mind, mood and thoughts change from moment to moment, day to day........

[hopeful26]

I tell you what, I can't sympathize enough. Laying in bed next to your wife who "doesn't love you" is painful...as hell. But, after going through the "I don't love you anymore" thing myself, falling apart, and ending up single anyway I can say this...it's time for you to make some changes; falling apart won't help anything.

 

How long do you wanna live like that? You've made it clear that you love her and are willing to do anything for the marriage but she isn't? Bull****! If she refuses work on "fixing" anything it's time you man up and start making the decisions; time to live your life, not hers. It's going to hurt no matter what (you're losing someone you love!) but don't lose sight of the fact that you deserve to be happy. You'll probably need to fake it until you make it, for a while at least.

[What Now]

I heard this song this morning, made me feel better.

 

Hinder – Without You

 

I just wanna be alone tonight

I just wanna take a little breather

Cause lately all we do is fight

And every time it cuts me deeper

 

Cause something’s changed

You’ve been acting so strange

And its taking its toll on me

Its safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

 

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday

Without you, I’m seein myself so differently

I didn’t wanna believe it then

But it all worked out in the end

When I watched you walk away

Well I never thought id say

I’m fine

Without you

 

Called you up cause’ it’s been long enough

And you said that you were so much better

We have done a lot of growing up

We were never meant to be together

 

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange

And it’s taken its toll on me

It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

 

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday

Without you, I’m seein myself so differently

I didn’t wanna believe it then

But it all worked out in the end

When I watched you walk away

Well I never thought id say

I’m fine

Without you

 

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange

And it’s taken its toll on me

It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

 

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday

Without you, I’m seein myself so differently

I didn’t wanna believe it then

But it all worked out in the end

When I watched you walk away

Well I never thought id say

I’m fine,

Without you

Without you

Without you

Without you

I just wanna be alone tonight,

I just wanna take a little breather.

[carhill]

OP, sorry to hear about this. Shyte always happens at the holidays

 

Some thoughts...

 

Does she seem emotionally detached? IOW, talks to you in a relatively straightforward manner and isn't visibly upset?

 

Is it possible she repressed a lot of emotion over the years to "get along" (I'm alluding to the everything not being sunshine and rainbows part here) and now you're seeing the results?

 

What's your role in this?

 

One final thought, considering your family dynamic. I would advise not moving a distance away unless absolutely necessary, like for a required career move or similar. Also, before you make any moves, get legal advice. That way, you can align your personal goals with ones which make the most legal sense for your situation. Very important to do this in the beginning, IME.

 

Absolutely consider counseling. Also, you need emotional balance. Sure, women are attracted to calm, unemotional men, but you're not a robot. Find a place and people with whom you can be open and release the stress and emotions of the day. Sometimes that's with friends or family; sometimes it's with a therapist. Find a channel which works for you. Internalizing it will kill you. Trust me

[danny407]

Im sorry to hear the trouble your going through. I hope things workout. Take care of yourself, I have not been doing a job of this myself. My prayers are with you!

[What Now]

It's amazing how things change each week........first it was "I need my space to find myself, I'm not happy and I don't know why". Then a week later she says, "I don't love you anymore and I need to fix myself before we can fix us". Now, today it's "I don't love anything or anyone, I am so depressed I feel empty and deflated, if I were a suicidal person I would be dead!".

Now, all of this stuff is MY FAULT, of course. Well, maybe not all but she is blaming me for not seeing it and doing something about it.

I think this last revelation is a summation of everything. She is very depressed, she has lost interest in most everything and there really is no joy in life. So, now what. My current plan is to try to be as upbeat as possible and hope her counselor can fix her. If that doesn't happen then I guess I will be a divorced guy this summer!!!

[carhill]

So, how do you feel? See, even though it's very disconcerting to you, she's verbalizing her internal process. What's your internal process? What's going on in there? Women give a lot of lip service regarding wanting a man to share his feelings but, when push comes to shove, it appears a robot is all they want when they're having a tough day/week/life. That's not fair and it's unacceptable (that's a new word our MC taught me).

 

Get your legal ducks in a row and tell her how you really feel. All of "this" being your "fault" is unacceptable. Show her how unacceptable it really is

[What Now]

How do I feel? Who cares!! Not her.....

She says it's needs to be for her, everything. It's not about me or how I feel, it's her turn. Or something to that effect. Everytime I try to say something I get a blank, empty look. Whatever I say or do is the wrong thing, if I leave her alone or if I talk to her, if I snuggle next to her (no touching!) or if I turn my back it doesn't seem to matter. I am accused of not doing the right thing but she claims she doesn't know or she won't "give me a roadmap". Yes she is depressed, there is absolutly no joy in her life. Not me, not her job, not the kids, not the church, not the holidays, but she doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. She says I said some mean, nasty stuff the past two weeks, stuff like "move out" or "you are throwing away 15 years" or "you will regret this if you continue". Yes, I have not been the nicest person to live with but she doesn't seem to understand that I just found out about all this in the past few weeks while she has had months to come to her realization.

What am I going to do? Try to be all smiles and sunshine of course!! Continue banal, lame meaningless small talk and pretend all is well. What am I supposed to do?

[carhill]

Do? Be honest with yourself and her. FWIW, I get similar reactions from my wife. I simply expect her to be angry with me when I'm honest about my feelings and I simply ignore that anger and move forward. IMO, by internalizing (I'll bet you've done this too), we've done them a disservice by leading them to believe everything was hunky-dory when it really wasn't. We (I know I for sure) have been poor communicators. Expecting them to adjust to this newfound communication style without reaction is unrealistic. Expect a reaction and expect it to be negative.

 

Then, as if nothing has happened, go on with the business of the day. Show her you are not a robot but are in control of yourself. She won't like you; she might grow to respect you and that's a start.

 

BTW, "inappropriate emotional attachments", as described by our MC, can exist with same sex friends like your W's girlfriend. It's not sexual, like she's bi or lesbian, but rather anytime she prioritizes another relationship over that of her M. This is sometimes an issue for women as they can see their girlfriends as their primary relationships and men as transitory, hence lower on their ladder of priority. I don't know if that is the case with your W. If so, it's disrespectful to you and to your M. I drew a real hard line in the sand with my W on this subject and I've seen positive changes in her behavior wrt her girlfriends. Our MC reinforced this aspect. It was part of the quid pro quo wrt my emotional attachment with my longtime female friend, which resurfaced during the period when I felt my W was putting me last in line. I went out and found someone who valued me, since she apparently didn't. Inappropriate and wrong. So was she. That's growth, I guess

[What Now]

Thanks Carhill, you're right.

I'm not the best communicator, maybe it's a guy thing!

She knows all is not hunky-dory and it's not going to be but I can and need to be smiles and sunshine now that she is playing the dark cloud. We have 3 kids in this house the youngest being 5. Someone has to be there for them. I think going on with life is a respectful thing to do, she can either work a little and come with me or she can mope alone and go away. I have told her that I want her to work on "us" but she says it's always the same old arguement and she can't live like that anynore. She acusses me of mentally beating up on her this morning because of all the negative things I have said over the past few weeks. I guess she thought that she could throw my world into a blender and I would just sit there and nod my head......sorry. She cut me pretty deep and I reacted, in anger sometimes and said some stuff I probably shouldn't have but she did too and we both have to get over it. I'm over it already and can and will carry on.....with a smile!!!

[What Now]

Well, guess what?! You idiots were RIGHT!!! I really didn't think she was seeing someone else but she was! I found out on Christmas Eve, I found a torn up letter buried in the trash, I had been gone with the kids for a few days visiting my sister and giving her "space". Well she used the space between her legs to entertain her "boyfriend" while the kids and I were gone. So, I kicked her out. Now she is gone, moved in with her parents and we have an appointment with an attorney on Wednesday. After much discussion she is going to go into this divorce uncontested, I get what I want she gets whatever is left, the kids go 50/50 custody and we are done, no child support/alimony/maintenance etc. Should be short, simple and cheap.

 

After 15 years....game over.