She Said She Doesn't Love Me....after 14 years!

[teerockness]

Man... it's just uncanny.

 

It's really wild to watch guy after guy show up here, say the same things about what their wife is saying...

 

"I need space..."

"I love you but I'm not in love with you..."

"I see you as more of a friend..."

"Let's separate on a trial basis..."

 

Inevitably, one or two months goes by... and she's found out - there's always another guy in the picture. It happened to me too!

 

We should come up with a name for this pattern...

 

Anyway, what did the letter say? How did you confront her? Did she continue to deny it?

[carhill]

Damn, OP, I'm really sorry to hear that

 

BTW, there is a name for the "pattern". I've seen it on LS identified as "walkaway wife syndrome"...

[teerockness]

I've seen references to the "Walkaway Wife Syndrome"...I don't like that though, because it implies she's simply walking away.

 

Typically she's scr***ng somebody else, all the while claiming "she doesn't know how she feels...you're more of a friend to me..."

 

It's way worse than just walking away IMO.

[What Now]

It gets even better!!

Let me fill you in on a few details I left out......

 

So, she went to church for Christmas Eve service, she is really into church stuff. So I called her after I found the letter and asked her if she was still in the church, the same one we were married in, and to tell me right then, in front of God who she was having an affair with!!! She was sooooo pissed!! She was sooooo guilty!!

 

How did I confront her? Well, after we met at MY house, I flat out told her I had found a letter. Their was no denying it. She was busted, but she tried to blame me and I almost bought into some of it until I talked to my nieces....those girls are great! They gave me a whole new perspective that I had not looked at. I don't have to take her cheating a$$ back, I don't have to believe it was my fault, I didn't take her pants off.

 

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!!

 

Karma.......guess what?! The guy she screwed had a heart attack on Christmas Eve, yup, about the same time that she finally admitted she was seeing someone else!

 

I am sad, I am angry that this is the outcome of our marriage, but you guys were right, and I am just glad I found out fairly soon. I am going forth with a positive outlook, a positive attitude and if she ever comes crawling back I might consider her.....unless I am involved with someone else!!!!

 

.

[RecordProducer]

Well, guess what?! You idiots were RIGHT!!!

Why are THEY idiots?

 

I am sorry you found out the hard way. It sucks, but I am glad she's out of the house and you're getting what you want. However, I must warn you, she might have agreed to whatever, but when she talks to her attorney, he might persuade her to go for what belongs to her legally. If your state is no-fault (which most divorces nowadays are), she can get half of all the joint marital assets. Of course, this is if you don't have a nuptial agreement.

 

I am just curious as to what she's going to do: does she have a job, savings? Will she be living with her parents? What about seeing the children? Is she going to be close enough to you? Are you going to sell the house (if you own one) and split the money in half?

[signedin2008]

If you want her affair to end regarldess of what happen to your marriage, you need to expose her to anyone whom she respect including her parents, pastors, uncles, etc. Affair feed on darkness and secrecy. Once it's exposed, it's no longer fun and exciting, but instead wrong and sinfull.

 

You need to get yourself tested for STD.

 

How did your wife meet this other guy and how did you find out that he has a heart attack? Is he going to survive?

[replicator]

Damn.. That sucks to hear.

 

As I read the original post, I knew right away some other guy was involved.

 

Same **** happened to me after ten years. I wasn't married, but I refused to believe that someone else could be there. I really couldn't even imagine her having someone else, but that's just how the cookie crumbles almost in every case where I've heard this same story repeat itself.

 

It's sad how people can give up so much on a whim, and without trying to work things out.

[What Now]

Let me try to answer some of these questions!!

 

Why are THEY idiots?

 

I am sorry you found out the hard way. It sucks, but I am glad she's out of the house and you're getting what you want. However, I must warn you, she might have agreed to whatever, but when she talks to her attorney, he might persuade her to go for what belongs to her legally. If your state is no-fault (which most divorces nowadays are), she can get half of all the joint marital assets. Of course, this is if you don't have a nuptial agreement.

 

I am just curious as to what she's going to do: does she have a job, savings? Will she be living with her parents? What about seeing the children? Is she going to be close enough to you? Are you going to sell the house (if you own one) and split the money in half?

 

As far as I know we are seeing the same attorney, the assets are being split to each others satisfaction. I spent a lot of time and money so she could go back to school and get her Masters Degree and teaching certification, she should be able to get a teaching job as soon as one opens up…..she has an interview tomorrow. If that doesn’t work out I guess her parents will support her. I am keeping this house, I am not leaving. One of the best pieces of advise I got was not to leave, she did this, make her leave.

 

 

If you want her affair to end regarldess of what happen to your marriage, you need to expose her to anyone whom she respect including her parents, pastors, uncles, etc. Affair feed on darkness and secrecy. Once it's exposed, it's no longer fun and exciting, but instead wrong and sinfull.

 

You need to get yourself tested for STD.

 

How did your wife meet this other guy and how did you find out that he has a heart attack? Is he going to survive?

 

I don’t care if the affair ends, I don’t care if she moves in with him. I have talked to her family and they know what she did. He is a school teacher that she started working with this past school year, I found out about the heart attack because my wife told me! Unfortunately he will survive; he was released from the hospital a couple days ago!

 

I really did not think she could do it. It’s funny how everyone else said that she was seeing someone else and I just could not completely believe it. Who’s the idiot now??!!

[Owl]

Realize one thing...an attorney will typically represent ONE or the other of you.

 

If it's an "amicable" divorce, they may agree to file paperwork for both of you...but at the end of it all, they have to 'officially represent' one or the other.

 

And that means that whoever they 'officially represent' are going to be the one that they are required to assist/defend/protect.

 

In other words...go talk with your attorney about this...and make darned sure that they are representing YOU...or have some mechanism in place to ensure complete neutrality.

 

Don't wait and find out that they're representing HER.

 

From my perspective...it sounds like you've got a good handle on things. I'm sorry that it all came out like this...but this is the kind of thing we've seen a lot on these forums, and that's why this comes as no surprise to most posters.

[What Now]

Yes, I understand the attorney really only represents one person, that would be me! She is going to sign off on whatever he draws up based on my wishes and concerns. I do think I have a pretty good handle on it and she is incredibly organized, she already has banking/credit cards, insurance etc. being straightened out. She really must just want this to be over! I still can't believe this is the same women I spent the last 15 years with......even her family thinks she has gone off the deep end!

 

Oh well. The cards have been dealt, I wouldn't throw in the whole pot at this point but I will play the cards I have. That's life for ya!!

 

.

[skinman]

Yes, I understand the attorney really only represents one person, that would be me! She is going to sign off on whatever he draws up based on my wishes and concerns. I do think I have a pretty good handle on it and she is incredibly organized, she already has banking/credit cards, insurance etc. being straightened out. She really must just want this to be over! I still can't believe this is the same women I spent the last 15 years with......even her family thinks she has gone off the deep end!

 

Oh well. The cards have been dealt, I wouldn't throw in the whole pot at this point but I will play the cards I have. That's life for ya!!

 

.

 

Wow.... I sure wish I had your optimism What Now... glad to hear that things seem to be working out and your spirits seem to be high.... I wish you luck friend but with your confidence it doesn't sound like you will need much..

 

Take care and Happy New Year to you !!!!

[laley0524]

You say you love her correct, you say she isn't stable right know. She is the mother of your children give her time to figure it out. Be her best friend again, take care of her in these hard times. You married her correct you remember the sacret promises you made, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, well your wife is not feeling to good about herself and may not be feeling to healthy, so HELP her find her way. its going to take time and patiences but you love her and remember she did it for you and your children for many many years so am sure she deserves it. So for you to say she needs to move out, is what you as her husband should be thinking about.

[Ramrod]

You say you love her correct, you say she isn't stable right know. She is the mother of your children give her time to figure it out. Be her best friend again, take care of her in these hard times. You married her correct you remember the sacret promises you made, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, well your wife is not feeling to good about herself and may not be feeling to healthy, so HELP her find her way. its going to take time and patiences but you love her and remember she did it for you and your children for many many years so am sure she deserves it. So for you to say she needs to move out, is what you as her husband should be thinking about.

 

Scr8w her running in the snow. If she didn't get what she wants she got what she deserves. What I hate about reading these stories is there is always THAT FRIEND who instead of supporting the marriage, assists in leading their supposed friend away from the marriage. Too much boulderdash about unfulfilled lifes and other irrelevant nonsense.

 

When all is said and done. It's family that matters most. She will have regrets and one day, she will wish she had done everything possible to salvage the marriage. This guy isn't blameless, but he at least acted in good faith, which is far more than his duplicitous wife did for their union. And the friend? You know what they say, misery loves company.

[pelicanpreacher]

You say you love her correct, you say she isn't stable right know. She is the mother of your children give her time to figure it out. Be her best friend again, take care of her in these hard times. You married her correct you remember the sacret promises you made, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, well your wife is not feeling to good about herself and may not be feeling to healthy, so HELP her find her way. its going to take time and patiences but you love her and remember she did it for you and your children for many many years so am sure she deserves it. So for you to say she needs to move out, is what you as her husband should be thinking about.

 

Lord have mercy! She went out and got sick on d!ck and you somehow think that falls into the realm of "sickness and in health" or "better or for worse"? There is a powerful reason that "foresaking all others" is included in most marital vows just so guys like you don't get yourself confused on what constitutes an obligation when one undertaking vows!

[Justanotherschmuck]

Scr8w her running in the snow. If she didn't get what she wants she got what she deserves. What I hate about reading these stories is there is always THAT FRIEND who instead of supporting the marriage, assists in leading their supposed friend away from the marriage. Too much boulderdash about unfulfilled lifes and other irrelevant nonsense.

 

When all is said and done. It's family that matters most. She will have regrets and one day, she will wish she had done everything possible to salvage the marriage. This guy isn't blameless, but he at least acted in good faith, which is far more than his duplicitous wife did for their union. And the friend? You know what they say, misery loves company.

 

While I find that loving post moving and probably morally correct, I don't believe the wife will react in a similar, loving manner. It would be great if you got hurt by your spouse, instead of lashing out, became more loving and supporting and in return he or she would realize their mistake and wake up out of the fog. Its definately a great thought, but in reality, I think the wayward spouse would look at the loving as annoying and gutless. I think ANY show of affection and caring will simply be made fun of. Face it, when they are messing around, they are hating you. And when you hate someone, EVERYTHING they do bugs you. The OM could give her a dried up piece of dog chit and she would see it as the most romantic thing she's ever experienced. You could break your back supporting her and she would see it as "clingy" and "so not attractive". I swear, its like they morph into the worlds worst human being. You really look and say to yourself "how the hell is THIS THING the person I married?"

 

But ramrod, that statement about "friends". OMG. Its so true. MY wife has a best friend, married to a REAL azzhole of a husband. All she does is complain about him, and rightfully so. But she still sleeps with him and she hasn't left him. But she does push my wife into leaving me. All the things she hates about her husband she pushes on me. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about her relationship with my wife.

 

Even at work, all the "friends" are pushing my wife to "find herself" "grow as a person". NEVER even a THOUGHT about trying to work it out, remembering your wedding vows, NADA.

 

ANd my wife once asked "if a miracle happens and we stay together, are you gonna hate these guys too?" How the hell am I supposed to answer that? "UHm, no honey. Just because they wanted to break my family up and change my life against my wishes and wanted you to do something the kids would hate..........No, I would welcome them open arms! Sheesh.....

 

I guess guys are the only ones with bad friends.

[Woggle]

Isn't it funny how in all these cases the women have friends cheering them on? My mother had friends that influenced her and my ex had friends who did the same. There are certain women that seem to take pleasure in destroying marriages. My advice to you and men like you is to just let her go and move on with your life. She wants to be on her own so let her. Your happiness does not depend on her.

[Gunny376]

Isn't it funny how in all these cases the women have friends cheering them on? My mother had friends that influenced her and my ex had friends who did the same. There are certain women that seem to take pleasure in destroying marriages. My advice to you and men like you is to just let her go and move on with your life. She wants to be on her own so let her. Your happiness does not depend on her.

 

Hell they don't even have to be friends, you could be at the mall, have an argument with the wife, and women that you and the wife don't even know will chide her own,................."You ain't got to take that from some man! Divorce his @ss and clean his plow Honey!"