My boyfriend is a "solitary person"

[frenchypolynesia]

So, my boyfriend dropped a bomb yesterday. He says that he's having a lot of conflict because on one hand he 'totally loves me' and on the other, he's a solitary person, who can't seem to reconcile his past solitaryness with wanting to be with me. Neither of us are interested in seeing other people, or having the freedom to see other people. Sex isn't the issue at all. It's all about a level of comfort he had in the past when he didn't have someone in his life. I give him endless freedom, but it appears that even that is part of the problem. We do love each other. There is no benefit to either of us going back to being solitary. Still, this has become a big issue. I am very afraid that this is going to break up my 2-year relationship. Can anyone please help me figure out how to overcome my bf's old ingrained patterns?

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Can anyone please help me figure out how to overcome my bf's old ingrained patterns?"

 

YOU can't overcome your boyfriend's anything. That's something he has to do in his own way and his own time. Furthermore, being comfortable in a committed relationship is a decision that he must make for himself. Personally, I think it's a matter of maturity and timing. When he is ready to finally settle down with someone, and this has absolutely nothing to do with you, he will do it. It has all to do with the fact that he is not yet ready to do that. Some men are ready at 18, others at 50. But you must learn that the direction that relationships go in has much more to do with timing than with love or anything else.

 

Sure, there may be some crap in his background that makes him afraid. But, mind you, when he is ready his past won't be an issue. Your problem is deciding if you want to wait around for the time to be right. You might have to wait six months or it could be six years...or more.

[frenchypolynesia]

Originally posted by Tony

YOU can't overcome your boyfriend's anything. That's something he has to do in his own way and his own time. Furthermore, being comfortable in a committed relationship is a decision that he must make for himself. Personally, I think it's a matter of maturity and timing. When he is ready to finally settle down with someone, and this has absolutely nothing to do with you, he will do it. It has all to do with the fact that he is not yet ready to do that. Some men are ready at 18, others at 50. But you must learn that the direction that relationships go in has much more to do with timing than with love or anything else.

 

Well, so where does that leave me? I've spent a lot of time and energy on the relationship... only to basically have him tell me that he can't promise that he won't choose being alone to being with me. HE was the one that initiated the relationship, I have patiently played along because I love the big lug. I understand about timing, and all that - this didn't seem to be a case of timing, though. He caught me, and now that I'm in the bucket he doesn't know what to do with me.

 

I'm definitely not pressing him to settle, marriage (if at all) is years away - he has his own place/life, I have mine. We basically couldn't be any more free of each other. Background on this is that he's always been surrounded by friends. He's got overwhelming emotional support from all sides. When it comes to giving back, though... He can't cope - he's never had to. This is what I'm really dealing with. Is there any way to break through this and get him to open up?

 

It seems really unfair that I just have to sit back and take what amounts to his stubbornness. I will, if I have to, but it's getting really, really old.

 

Anyway - thank you for your help. I do appreciate it - I'm really trying to fathom a foreign species here. BTW, Pee-wee Herman ROCKS.