New perspective

[robaday]

I have read in a lot of these forums that abusive men do not change and that it is wrong to stay with them. First off I am not sure if I am an emotionally abusive man-I have read the symptoms and whilst I certainly have had my moments, I'm not sure if what I did constitutes abuse, and also I'm not sure how to go about changing my ways although I genuinely want to.

As a bit of background, my father emotionally abused me all my youth, and my mother turned a blind eye. Last year in a period of 3 months I lost my sister, and 2 friends all in untimely deaths. At the same time my sister passed away I met my ex-she was my sister's best friend. I’d never fallen in love before but it was instant. This girl checked up on me everyday, and I was besotted. Unfortunately I knew I had fallen for her in a big way and wasn’t sure whether this was a good thing or a bad thing to be happening with all the turmoil that was going on.

The relationship was volatile to say the least. We argued constantly. This girl looked out for me when whilst my family looked after themselves. I became dependant. A text message from her was powerful and brightened me up. Whenever we argued I’d say it was because I was depressed, or was an outside factor. The arguments happened when I was drunk, and I rarely remember the reasons behind them-she would shut off emotionally, and the next day I’d ask what we had argued about-she never told me, and I beat myself up asking myself how can I argue with this person?

I knew it was my fault for the arguments-I think in some way my neediness and reliance on her, made me lash out on her for some reason. If you’ve never given your heart to anyone, it’s mad experience, especially under the stress we were both feeling. The next day I’d apologize profusely-she always forgave me. It hurt me that I could lash out at the person I loved more than anything-I couldn’t understand it. It was like I was pushing her away on purpose. The few arguments I did remember were basically along the lines of:

ME: Why are you persisting with me when your moving abroad in the summer?

HER: Well if you like I won't bother coming anymore

ME: Well I like you a great deal, and just am not sure where I stand, I'm really depressed at the moment, and am just wondering how you can speak to a guy every day, sleep with him every weekend, and then plan to just **** off the face of the earth after a year-I don't begrudge you wanting to move away but I'm feeling a little unsure at the moment

HER: So you resent me for coming here?

ME: No of course not, I just think things are getting a little out of control, I've started to get nervous as ****, and I'm very confused-I like you a great deal, but I've known you for 6 months now and you still won't let me have sex-what is this we are doing? we sleep together but nothing else

HER: Sorry for the confusion, we are friends

ME: Yeah who sleep together, we slept together after the ****in funeral, can you not see how confusing this is to me? I am very depressed, I like you a great deal and need to know what is going on

This would go on until she would shut down emotionally. I would keep on getting agitated and would lose my temper because she wouldn't respond. I hate myself for it.

She split up with me 4 months ago. I went crazy and said some things I shouldn’t have done. I then spent 4 months in a suicidal rage, at everyone and anything, blaming her for my state, blaming outside factors for my behavior, and everything else. I od’d on crystal meth, drank for over 30 hours straight consecutively every weekend, couldn’t focus at work, and generally behaved like an immature idiot. In addition a number of my texts to her made her feel guilty as hell-I am not proud.

I was on a death trip, and didn’t care whether I lived or died; I felt that life had dealt me a **** card and I couldn’t get out of this horrific slump. I walked around with a black cloud over my head. People could feel my presence when I walked in a room. It was strange, I couldn’t shake it

I got on anti-depressants just after the split. I started going to therapy, and take zanax every night. It has taken me this long to see my own role in all this. I recently had another row with my ex. I blamed my depression for the relationship ending. She said “I’ve heard it all before, I’ve been through some **** in my life but that’s of no consequence”. I realized when I read that my role-I am not free of blame for my behavior.

I am still trying to work out how much of a role outside factors played in my behavior. I liked to think the arguing was due to my stress and suicidal depression, but I’m still not sure. I’m working through this in therapy trying to find answers. I don’t want to repeat the patterns of abuse my Dad gave me, which leaves me with the horrible feeling I may end up more like him than I ever dreaded. I am trying to be honest here-I know that it is up to me to control my actions. I also know it is up to me to deal with overwhelming pressure like being in love for the first time, and experiencing the loss of 3 loved ones. I also know that it is up to me to curb my drinking and drug use. This was my first relationship so I am trying to work out if it was just because me and the girl did not get along, or whether its something deeper inside of me that makes me argumentative or otherwise.

By blaming outside factors my ex thinks I take no responsibility for my argumentativeness. I have never argued with anyone before except this woman, and it just happens to be the first person I fall in love with. Maybe therapy will show me how much of this was depression or something else. I’m still trying to figure it out, as I don’t want my next relationship to be so traumatic for both people, and I certainly don’t want my next partner to experience anything that may constitute emotional abuse. Has anyone got any advice? I am prepared for any criticism that comes my way, all I want is to learn somehow

[Fun2BMe]

I am still trying to work out how much of a role outside factors played in my behavior. I liked to think the arguing was due to my stress and suicidal depression, but I’m still not sure.

What about the drinking? Don't you think that played a major role in it? You said you'd drink so much you never remembered what the fight was about and she'd have to tell you.

 

 

 

This was my first relationship so I am trying to work out if it was just because me and the girl did not get along, or whether its something deeper inside of me that makes me argumentative or otherwise.

The drugs and alcohol play a big part. Also like you said you might be repeating the patterns you yourself suffered and now are inflicting the verbal abuse on to your gf. You also kept blaming everything but yourself, always saying it was due to the depression you said all those things to her, when someone who is depressed I don't think would've done that...

 

By blaming outside factors my ex thinks I take no responsibility for my argumentativeness. I have never argued with anyone before except this woman, and it just happens to be the first person I fall in love with. Maybe therapy will show me how much of this was depression or something else.

Don't put too much faith in therapy, sometimes it gets you no where, but the fact that you see your faults is a big step. Some of the stuff you said was really bad and I wouldn't put up with it at all. I think you have to stop making excuses and take responsibility otherwise you are blaming the depression, or drugs, or alcohol or your father for your actions when at the end of the day, it is you who is responsible for the way you treat somebody. Speach is one of those things you can't take back once it comes out of your mouth.

[robaday]

I appreciate your comments, love2be me. I accept that alcohol and drug use would accentuate the problem-we never once argued when we were sober. However the fact that we argued everytime I was drunk worries me-yeah I was drunk and I can blame it on that but what worries me is the sub-conscious reasons for pushing someone away who I loved. It seems to be something deep down.

 

Like I say, I don't want to be like this. It's taken a lot of soul searching to accept how much of a role my behavior constituted in this, and I genuinely want to learn and not inflict anymore pain on anyone else. I'm carrying a great deal of emotional baggage. I genuinely don't know what to do. Therapy is showing me the reasons for my behavior. I need to leave the baggage at the door and try and be a new learned person.

 

The things I said were unacceptable. I need to account for my actions somehow. I didn't think I'd be like this-I genuinely didn't. I'm loved by my friends, family and ex-girlfriends, but for some reason I got really close to this girl and everything went wrong. I know its a classic excuse-outside factors, i know I can blame loads of stuff on her, or that I was really drunk whatever. What I need to discover is why, at that time I felt the need to attack the person I loved more than anything? I can pretend that I am not a bad guy, I can scream how good a person I am, but do I know? I've never been in this situation before. I'm trying to work it out.

 

I feel horrible for my actions. I know I acted badly. But has anyone had experience of this? I genuinely want to change. I've cut down on the booze and quit drugs, however I just don't want to repeat the patterns of my Dad

[robaday]

Sorry I meant Fun2BMe-cool name, I need to rediscover fun somehow

[amaysngrace]

What I need to discover is why, at that time I felt the need to attack the person I loved more than anything? I can pretend that I am not a bad guy, I can scream how good a person I am, but do I know? I've never been in this situation before. I'm trying to work it out.

 

I genuinely want to change. I've cut down on the booze and quit drugs, however I just don't want to repeat the patterns of my Dad

 

You have been through so much and I'm sorry for your losses.

 

I don't know of many who could keep it together without some kind of meltdown so try not to be so hard on yourself.

 

You are trying to be better and in my opinion that's half the battle right there. So good for you. I don't think you will repeat the patterns of your father if you are determined not to. You seem too smart and too insightful to allow that to happen.

 

As for the abuse on your girlfriend, you may have self-esteem issues due to the abuse you've endured at the hands of your father. When esteem issues happen they totally screw with your head and how you feel about yourself and how you feel about the very people that care about you.

 

In some part of your mind you don't trust someone if they like you for you because deep down inside you believe you are no good. So if they like you they are no good. It's easy to not like someone when you see them as no good. The thing is you see them as no good simply because they chose you. It's a vicious cycle.

 

You try to avoid getting close at all costs. The abuse may come as a coping mechanism to keep you from getting too close. It's a learned behavior which means it can be unlearned too.

 

Just keep going through therapy. You will get well if it's what you want to do.

 

You seem to have a lot on your plate and I think you are handling it well. The therapy seems to really be working for you. Stick with it.

[robaday]

That was an amazing analysis, thanks. It brought a tear to my eye because it was spot on. I have huge intimacy issues, so once I opened up to my ex, and she still stayed, I couldn't understand it, I just couldn't see how anyone so beautiful could stay with me. After every argument I'd go to my room and cry non-stop because I knew I was pushing her away.

 

Sometimes I felt like maybe sub-consciously I was testing her, to see when she would leave, to kind of tempt fate. Whilst this has made me even more upset because I know I could never just relax around her, and I know the underlying reason for it, at least I have the consolation of being able to work through this.

 

She did dump me once by email, which hugely dented my self confidence. When we got back together I suspect that I never quite let the first time go-I knew that if she upset me again I felt like I had some entitlement to get angry. I need to let things go. I have apologised so many times to her, and at present she won't speak to me. She finished the relationship because she said she did not want to hurt me, so she may not be contacted me through fear she will do again.

 

I have to emphasise that I was never physically violent to her, and am not capable of hitting any woman-it would never happen. I knew she adored me through her actions and body language but she was completely uncommunicative-never once giving compliments, never once saying "I love you" or anything for that matter, whilst I am shy with my actions but was always forthcoming with my feelings, i.e. "I like you a lot", "you're beautiful" etc. So it was mismatched.

 

She took her presence with me to be demonstrative enough, whilst when she was gone I felt completely empty-it was an LDR, hence my wanting to see her more and more often.

 

Can I ask a quick question though. We kept in touch when I went traveling, and every day she would text me-I would reply as soon as I could. When I would text her however asking how she was, it would take up to 2 days for a response. This happened on several occasions. So after the 5th time, I sent a message saying "I'm not sure why you carry on texting me, when you can't be bothered replying to my texts. I'm merely showing an interest".

 

This infuriated her, and she went ballistic at me. Does my text constitute emotuional abuse? or am I needlessly tearing myself apart over something minor? to be honest I would have given the same response to any of my friends who I was in regular touch with.

[amaysngrace]

Can I ask a quick question though. We kept in touch when I went traveling, and every day she would text me-I would reply as soon as I could. When I would text her however asking how she was, it would take up to 2 days for a response. This happened on several occasions. So after the 5th time, I sent a message saying "I'm not sure why you carry on texting me, when you can't be bothered replying to my texts. I'm merely showing an interest".

 

This infuriated her, and she went ballistic at me. Does my text constitute emotuional abuse? or am I needlessly tearing myself apart over something minor? to be honest I would have given the same response to any of my friends who I was in regular touch with.

 

She was rude to not respond in a timely fashion in my opinion. I usually think an hour or two is a sufficient amount of time to get back to someone.

 

And if it takes me longer I apologize, not lash out at the person for being kept waiting.

 

Remember something. You hooked up with this girl when you were not in your best frame of mind. Seeing how most people attract the mental stability of their partners to be equal to their own it says a lot about what a mess this girl is mentally.

 

If you grow and she doesn't you will outgrow her. You probably already have.

[robaday]

I am slowly starting to grow, and that is through appreciating myself as a human being, with positive traits. However, I am paranoid reading through these abuse forums that some of my traits I displayed are characteristics of the "loser" described in other sections.

 

I am extremely self-conscious, and if you give me enough rope I'll tend to be my own worst enemy. I have a history of alcohol and drug abuse, and although I have never been violent toward other people I am very self-destructive. I think in retrospect these are all red flags to people who want to get close.

 

One of my ex's common complaints was that she couldn't do anything right with me. She couldn't understand how she hurt me all the time. I am trying to work out how I got upset over things which for normal people would have been perfectly normal. One thing I did notice with her was continuous teasing. She'd say things like "oh you loser" jokingly throughout the day, or "you're a liability". I think when sober I can handle things like that pretty well and rarely reacted, however I think i used to reach a point when it would really effect me when I was drunk and I would lash out.

 

She also complained I didn't listen to her. I did take a very active interest in her life but she rarely told me anything,whilst she knew everything about me.

 

I didn't threaten to commit suicide when she finished it. However that's how I felt. I took xanax to sleep, and really was a terrible mess. When she recently got back in touch, I reacted really badly and I'm working through therapy to work out why.

 

I don't think she could work out why I liked her so much after such a short space of time. I told her last time I spoke to her, I was suicidal when my sister passed away and she saved my life so I'd always respect her regardless of everything that had passed since. I also told her I'd been forced into quitting drugs after taking too many one night. I finally said that the relationship had had to end because I needed to learn to love myself.

 

I realize how intence all this sounded, but it was all true. I also realize that this could constitute emotional abuse what with talk of suicide and od'ding. I also realize it must be terrified and creepy for a woman to realize she gave a guy a reason to live. But it was true.

 

Through therapy I am starting to learn to appreciate myself which can only help me in future relationships-I also think it will stop anything that may constitute emotional abuse. I did try phoning the girl several times after these last texts just to try and apologize-I realize that this is also a trait of abusers-saying somthing bad and then trying to apologize. She won't speak to me and I don't blame her. It's human nature to run away from dark things.

 

In the future, say in 6 months or so, once these changes I'm making start to take effect on a day to day basis, I'd really like to get in touch with her and apologize for my behavior. I don't want to seek friendship, nor a relationship, but I want her to understand I'm taking account for my behavior. What is your perspective?

[amaysngrace]

What is your perspective?

 

Wow...like I said earlier you are dealing with a lot. I am not so certain I'd want to be in her shoes. It's a lot to make another person feel responsible for your life. Which is what you did when you told her she saved your life. It may be the way you see it but it puts her under enormous pressure. Imagine feeling solely responsible for another person's worth? That's a big cross to carry. And it can cumbersome for anyone. It's hard to know if she is resisting you because you're you or more likely she's resisting the expectations you're placing on her.

 

If you apologize down the road I would mention this. Thank her for how she helped you but apologize for this heavy weight you put on her shoulders.

 

When she wouldn't open up and share herself with you that could be for a number of reasons. One you were intoxicated. Two you were dealing with your own problems. Three she didn't want to because something about you made her feel unsafe in speaking to you. Four she recognized that being in a relationship with you was unhealthy for her. I can't really say and you shouldn't really think too much about it. Her reasons were valid to her and you need to respect that.

 

As for the feeling of being pulled between self-loving and self-loathing you should know that nobody thinks they are perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. And everybody has something about themselves they are dissatisfied with.

 

Try your best to acknowledge and appreciate your strengths while you offer yourself patience and/or acceptance in your weaknesses. That's what self-love is all about.

 

[robaday]

Thanks amaysngrace,

 

she is resisting me because for some stupid reason I am incapable of communicating with her without bringing up our previous relationship. She is a doctor, very busy and I believe just wants a quiet life. I never realized how much stress I gave her until after things ended. I'm going to wait a long time until I contact her, too many scars at present for both of us. I'm going to hopefully move on soon and stop dwelling on what could have been.

 

It was very peculiar having said that though. She was very very needy herself in terms of wanting to know what I was doing at all times, who I was hanging around with etc. She also displayed signs of jealousy of other women as well. If I went out to a bar with her she would smother me-I mean literally climb on top of me and not let me move or look at anyone else-it was kinda crazy as I'm not a touchy feely person in public, but her actions convinced me she was in love with me, whilst her words never said anything of the like. I have never met a woman who displayed such smothering behavior.

 

I can't help trying to psycho analyze this, even though it fell apart some time ago. Her father deserted her at a very young age, and she has had next to no contact with him in her life. As far as I am aware, her mother is a very strong woman who my ex referred to as a feminist. My ex frequently complained that she had been hurt very very badly in previous relationships. This was the part that I couldn't understand. I know I had major problems, but there was no way in hell I would have ever hurt her, in terms of cheating. In fact the main cause of arguments was that I wanted to get to know her better and spend more time with her.

 

The fact she frequently brought up how badly she'd been hurt in the past, meant I always re-assured her. I let her chase me all the time-when I played hard to get she chased and chased and chased. As soon as I got close, she ran. It was a really strange dynamic and that's why I've had such endless self-reflection after.

 

My therapist has indicated that I am suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from all the things that happened last year. Also fear of abandonment is linked to my childhood when I was put into the care of Nannies for up to 6 months at a time-we moved around a lot as kids. So that describes my reaction.

 

Looking forward, I am now worried that this relationship will prevent me from opening up to anyone again. I may end up similar to my ex-fearing commitment, fearing anything serious. For some crazy reason I can't get over her, so am not going to get involved with anyone for some time as I don't think it's fair to anyone else. However I do need to stop dwelling on the past which is the hardest task for the immediate future. My therapist told me today that the reason I dwell on pain is so I can actually feel something rather than being numb. She may be right

[robaday]

my ex won't speak to me anymore, I doubt she ever will again after my recent outburst. I want to reach out to her, but know if she doesn't answer her phone or reply to texts its a bad idea. Here is a proposed letter I want to write but don't really want to send. Any idea?

 

This is my last attempt to reach out to you, I’d appreciate if you read it, but don’t expect a response as I realize my behavior recently would give anyone a cause for concern, and its human nature to run away from dark things. I’m sorry for flipping out a couple of weeks ago with you. I really really appreciated you getting in touch and was happy that you didn’t think ill of me after all the insults I leveled at you after our argument in Darling Harbor.

 

I know you were trying to do the right thing and at such an emotional time it was horrible for me to lash out. I was a mess and have been for awhile now. I’m trying to battle a lot of demons from my past, and so far therapy has been the only thing that’s helped.

 

I’ve blamed my temper on depression, post traumatic stress, alcohol and everything else, and I can imagine you’re sick of my excuses. Truth is I think subconsciously I was trying to push you away when I needed your support most, this is really something I need to deal with on my own, although I always will appreciate your support from last year

 

Don’t worry I’m not under any delusion that we are going to get back together ever. It was stupid of me to bring that whole thing up 2 weeks ago. I guess in my messed up mind I was trying to say that I am learning from my mistakes through therapy, so my next relationship isn’t so traumatic for me or the other person.

 

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed you as a friend these past few months. Maybe you think that’s strange as we only knew each other a year, but your support was invaluable throughout a really bad period of my life. I only wish we’d left things in Manchester when we got along well. I never thanked you for the support you gave me last year. I hope I helped you too.

 

I showed a distinct lack of respect for your wish to move on after a really bad year for both of us. I understand why now. I guess I wore you out emotionally, as I know you’re job is stressful as it is, without your personal life being the same. I don’t know when things got so serious. I guess with all we’d been through a nice fun relationship was impossible-you realized that months ago. I still feel sick about offending you, and using guilt and sympathy when we argued. I need to grow up, I know.

 

It’s taken me a long time to realize what everyone did a long time ago. I’ve got a great deal going for me-a good job, a cool flat, intelligence etc etc. I just need to start enjoying life after so many false starts. All this dwelling on the past has made me realize a lot of things I wanted to change, like always looking at the world as a glass half empty, instead of showing optimism about living in a great place.

 

Why am I writing all this to you? Well you know me better than anyone does, at my best when we first met, and I was a cocky, happy, cool, calm pseudo Manc, and at my worst when I’d arrived in Sydney a mess. I regret falling out with you, and would do anything to make amends as a friend in the future. I know you cared about me a lot, and it must have been tough seeing me behaving like such an ass-hole. I only hope in time you can forgive me. If I never see you again then I’d like you to remember the guy you first met, before all this **** took over.

 

I feel an overwhelming sadness when I look back on last year. It was the most important year of my life, 3 deaths, a great new friendship with you, a promotion, traveling for the first time, and moving to the other side of the world. I genuinely thought the traveling would sort me out-a break, a change, new people. Unfortunately I felt isolated and decided to live in the past instead of the present.

 

I’m trying to be honest here xxxxx, you always valued that about me. I think about Rachel constantly, I think about my mate Lewis laughing with a cigarette in hand, and I can still picture the tortured face of Ben’s brother weeks before he topped himself. I’m writing a book about all my crazy experiences over the past year and hopefully this will put an end to my endless soul searching. Maybe I can send you a copy one day if it gets published?

 

Laters, and take care, and I would appreciate it if you can give you a call in a couple of months when my emotions have calmed down