He can't make up his mind.

[neveragain2493]

Hi,

I have a guy who's been a friend for awhile. We've talked about dating, and I've liked him a while back, but the other day he told me he might be liking me.

 

Everytime we start this, he gets upset if I take too long to respond, and assumes I'm talking to someone else. He says that I'm not being serious and don't want to talk to him.

 

The other day, he and another close friend of mine got into a huge argument. He became angry with me, saying "Now I know how much your friend really means to you, and I don't think I can deal with that.", but he said we would go somewhere and talk about it.

 

At the end of the night, he said "Let's just stay best friends." I told him "You get upset because you say I don't take you seriously, but when I do, you always back away. I didn't get my hopes up because I knew you were going to say this, or that something would mess it up."

And he just said "I don't want to argue."

 

He always talks sexually with me and has stated that he would really want to have sex with me, but when it comes to a relationship, I think he backs away when he starts to get into something serious.

I think he does like me, but doesn't want to get into commitment.

What's going on?

:|

[UnamedSeven]

He may just be the type of person who doesn't want to commit? Or, finds it hard to comit? i too am quite confused as to whats going on.

 

The main problem may be that he doesn't want to make such a big commitment, only for you and him to never get anywhere far. He feels insecure about where the relationship would go.

 

Whereas, he may just want to have sex with you and thats it. Stay best friends and, to him, 'everyone' wins.

[Geishawhelk]

He's controlling.

Unless it all goes his way, he's not happy.

By throwing a fit of the sulks, he knows you pander to him, and try to lick his wounds. So actually, he's got you right where he wants you.

 

He's blowing hot and cold, and you're sucking up to that.

 

The best thing to do, is to completely ignore him.

I do mean, completely.

By shutting him off, you're telling him you won't put up with his childish behaviour.

 

Doesn't he sound a bit like a 5-year-old stamping his foot?

[neveragain2493]

Geishawhelk, the more I think about it, the more I agree.

A long time ago, I used to suck up to the way he acted, but lately I've told him that I don't care what decisions he makes [since I have more of an insight now as to 'how he is'].

 

I think he has grown up somewhat, but still has his ways. I do think he is controlling, but I also think he is insecure ["You must be talking to someone else", "You must not want to talk to me"].

 

Most to all of his relationships don't last but a couple of days to a week, so yes, I understand where you're coming from.

[Anna G]

I am in a sort of similar place. I have been friends with a guy for 9 months. He has been so sweet, burned me a CD of love songs and bought me little gifts, but then I would not hear from him for a few weeks and then it would start up again. I know for a fact he is not seeing anyone else as we have several mutual friends and I would definately know. Last month he kissed me for the first time and I was over the moon. He was really upset about some stuff when it happened and I was kind of comforting him. A few weeks later he apologised for the kiss and said he meant nothing by it and it only happened because he was feeling so emotional! I am so confused because I really like him! I have told him this has hurt me and he is a bit upset I think, but why would a guy give all sorts of positive signals and then not follow through? I am so confused

[neveragain2493]

I agree.

 

And what's sad is that I finally got over him and moved on, but when he told me he was interested in me, I must have subconsciously gotten my hopes up, because now I really do feel an attachment to him.

 

And I'm trying to make it go away.

[You'reasian]

he always talks sexually with me and has stated that he would really want to have sex with me, but when it comes to a relationship, i think he backs away when he starts to get into something serious.

I think he does like me, but doesn't want to get into commitment.

What's going on?

 

talk to him.

[neveragain2493]

We have talked about this, many times. I've stressed to him that I feel he only wants me sexually, and he said this wasn't the case. He said 'As for the sex thing.. I'm hoping, not expecting'.

 

He told me he liked me, or whatever it was.. because I was pretty, smart and sexy.

Lately he's been flirting with me again like nothing happened.

[Angel1111]

I do think he is controlling, but I also think he is insecure ["You must be talking to someone else", "You must not want to talk to me"].

 

Control and insecurity are twins - they're a package deal. If a person feels like they have to control, that stems from insecurity. The more controlling, the more insecurity.

 

The fact that he gets into arguments with people and then gets angry with you tells me all I need to know about this guy. I know people argue but he seems very confrontive on a regular basis. Don't ever get into a relationship with him. He will not change and he'll make every argument look like it's your fault. Even when he says that you're hesitating or talking to someone else - again, this seems to be about pointing the finger. I actually think he's beyond just being controlling, I also think he's very angry. That's a really bad mix.

[9Lives]

We have talked about this, many times. I've stressed to him that I feel he only wants me sexually, and he said this wasn't the case. He said 'As for the sex thing.. I'm hoping, not expecting'.

 

He told me he liked me, or whatever it was.. because I was pretty, smart and sexy.

Lately he's been flirting with me again like nothing happened.

 

What this guy is after is "Commitment Free" Sex. Dont fall for the bull.

He is hoping you can be friends with benefits ..but no commitment...just sex when he needs to get laid by someone he likes and is attracted to. Called

Commitment-free Sex

[neveragain2493]

Control and insecurity are twins - they're a package deal. If a person feels like they have to control, that stems from insecurity. The more controlling, the more insecurity.

 

The fact that he gets into arguments with people and then gets angry with you tells me all I need to know about this guy. I know people argue but he seems very confrontive on a regular basis. Don't ever get into a relationship with him. He will not change and he'll make every argument look like it's your fault. Even when he says that you're hesitating or talking to someone else - again, this seems to be about pointing the finger. I actually think he's beyond just being controlling, I also think he's very angry. That's a really bad mix.

 

Just to let you all know, thank you for your advice.

I personally found the above advice, along with 9Lives and GeishaWelk, most correct.

 

I was going through a health book today, and encountered a section on healthy relationships. I came across a paragraph entitled 'relationship abuse'. It stated that people often mistake controlling actions from their partner for caring. It said that jealousy and insecurity is unhealthy.

 

Relationship abuse includes using manipulation, guilt trips, jealousy, etc. in order to control you.

I'm understanding now. Thanks.

[9Lives]

You are going to feel so good about yourself for not letting this guy set you up for heartbreak and disappointment. A man knows what he wants not a boy. He is immature. Way to go Girl. HIS LOSS!!!!