Does he not love me?

[neveragain2493]

When I was 3 months old, my parents divorced. My dad lives in Tampa, and I live in Alabama with my mom and grandfather. My mom has full custody of me.

 

I visited my father on several occasions as a baby/toddler, and remember them vaguely. I remember sobbing, begging my mom not to let me go. I didn't want to leave her.

 

Until this day, my mother tells me that my dad was not a bad man. He was smart and funny, just like me, but he was lazy and told lies. He sold some of the important valuables to my family that were supposed to be handed down to me for money, and forged a check with my mother's signature.

 

Whenever I tell a lie or do something wrong, if my mom is angry enough, she tells me that I'm going to be 'just like my dad'. I've told her it hurts to hear that, but she still says it. She tells me to be thankful that I have such a great grandfather, and that he is a good enough father to me than my biological dad will ever be, and I am thankful.

 

But I don't understand. My dad remarried, and now I'm sure he has a family of his own. It's been almost 16 years, and he hasn't tried to contact me. No e-mails, letters, or phone calls. Not a 'Merry Christmas', 'Happy Birthday'... Nothing.

It hurts that he would not want to be a part in his child's life. Who wouldn't want to love their own flesh and blood?

[Ronni_W]

A different possibility is that perhaps your Dad is afraid that you do not love him. He might be afraid that you've been told of his "reputation and wrong doings" and that you might be harbouring negative judgment or even hatred towards him.

 

He could be saying, "Well, my child is old enough now and still hasn't tried to contact me. I guess maybe I haven't been forgiven yet...maybe that is too much for me to hope for."

 

These are only possibilities, of course. And there are still others.

 

If you have a way to contact him, it would be okay to give yourself permission to do so. It will not mean that you are betraying your Mom, or not grateful for the life you have had, or not appreciative of the love and support that you have received from your Mom and other family members.

 

It will just mean that you want to explore the possibility of building an adult relationship with your Dad. You have the right to explore it...whenever you are ready to do so.

 

Hugs and best wishes.

[vintagecat]

Your father may or may not have another family. He may not have stuck with his second marriage or any other children that he may have fathered. It certainly makes more sense in light of the lack of contact with his first child that he still has not managed to get his life together and to become an adult that takes responsibility for both his present and his past actions and that fully cares for the people in his life.

 

By all means find a way to contact him when you are ready to do so because you do need answers to your questions but I wouldn't expect too much after you do. It would be great to think that the world is filled with good people that are simply the victims of silly misunderstandings ala The Parent Trap, but unfortunately it's not. Quite likely your father is still the immature and self centered person that sold your family heirlooms and forged checks in the past. Maybe not perpetrating criminal behavior now, but rather incapable of caring for anyone for any length of time other than himself and maybe not even himself.

 

If he is still married and/or has children, he may or may not be a good parent or husband. You will need to see for yourself. If by all measures your father seems to be functioning with a second family as a responsible caring parent/spouse, I wouldn't take his lack of contact as a personal rejection. Very likely he took too little time and effort to bond with you early on and at this point it may seem better from his vantage point, without thinking about what you might be feeling, that it's better to leave well enough alone as you have been well cared for.

 

Frankly I consider this last scenario a very long shot, but I would definitely attempt contact at some point if for no other reason than to either get on with your life after being disappointed or to reunite with a missing parent and possibly half siblings or some semi-satisfying state between those two extremes. Be emotionally prepared for the worst (to be outrightly rejected or completely disappointed) and if things turn out very well then you've possibly gained another family.

 

Good luck to you.

[jphillips84]

When I was 3 months old, my parents divorced. My dad lives in Tampa, and I live in Alabama with my mom and grandfather. My mom has full custody of me.

 

I visited my father on several occasions as a baby/toddler, and remember them vaguely. I remember sobbing, begging my mom not to let me go. I didn't want to leave her.

 

Until this day, my mother tells me that my dad was not a bad man. He was smart and funny, just like me, but he was lazy and told lies. He sold some of the important valuables to my family that were supposed to be handed down to me for money, and forged a check with my mother's signature.

 

Whenever I tell a lie or do something wrong, if my mom is angry enough, she tells me that I'm going to be 'just like my dad'. I've told her it hurts to hear that, but she still says it. She tells me to be thankful that I have such a great grandfather, and that he is a good enough father to me than my biological dad will ever be, and I am thankful.

 

But I don't understand. My dad remarried, and now I'm sure he has a family of his own. It's been almost 16 years, and he hasn't tried to contact me. No e-mails, letters, or phone calls. Not a 'Merry Christmas', 'Happy Birthday'... Nothing.

It hurts that he would not want to be a part in his child's life. Who wouldn't want to love their own flesh and blood?

 

 

Well to tell you a little about me. I am adopted by my step-father when I was 8. My biological father wouldn't pay child support, would only get me when it was convenient. He remarried and had adopted his new wife's children and they had a daughter together. So when I would go to his house for visitation I felt like I was an outcast.

 

When I was growing up my mom told me the exact same thing your mom told you "he's not a bad man, he's just lazy and won't quit lying." I would wonder why he didnt call on my birthday, Christmas, nothing. I understand what your saying.

 

I am 24 and I realize as a new mother that it is HIS fault and HIS loss for missing out on knowing who I have become.

 

It's hard to understand why he didn't want to be with his own flesh and blood. I can only say that it is HIS loss.

 

I hope this helps a little.

 

Try writting a letter to him about everything you have ever wanted to tell him and make sure that's all that you've ever wanted to him to know, and then burn it. That's what I did.

[ThisGuy85]

I'm just going to throw this out there, And I hope nobody takes any offence to it. Maybe your father does love you and has tried to contact you, But maybe his letters and phone calls didn't make to you. It is not completely unheard of for mothers to "intercept" letters and phone calls, In an attempt to keep the father out of their child's life. Usually this happens when the mother has bad feelings towards their ex. She feels that because he wronged her, That he is going to do the same thing to their child. Basically trying to protect you from them.

 

he was lazy and told lies. He sold some of the important valuables to my family that were supposed to be handed down to me for money, and forged a check with my mother's signature.

 

Whenever I tell a lie or do something wrong, she tells me that I'm going to be 'just like my dad'. I've told her it hurts to hear that, but she still says it.

 

Things like this are what make me think that this may apply in your situation. It seems pretty obvious that she still holds some form of resentment towards your father. She may compliment him from time to time, But she also puts him down to you. All I'm saying is that their are always two sides to the story.

 

Please understand that I'm not questioning your moms character or integrity, Your dad very well may be just a selfish jerk. But you owe it to yourself to find out for sure.

 

Just my 2 cents

[vintagecat]

Certainly a possibility Guy. It seems that the consensus is to contact the father when the OP is ready and get the answers that she needs. Just go in with zero expectations is my only advice.

 

Good luck.

[SierraRose]

I am going to give you the short, short version...

When I was little, I was always "Daddy's Little Girl..." I was 11 when my parents split; sadly he slowly cut me out of his life. At first, he came for visitation for a couple of hours, one a week on Saturday. Then it gradually stopped. Visitation, paying child support, the phone calls, everything. I got 1 birthday card mailed to me since the day he left. (I am now 39) I was the one always calling him, begging him to come see me. This went on for a few years. After several years of counseling, I gave up on him, yet STILL never understanding why.

FF to 2001...I was now an adult and I needed answers. I hunted him down (he lived 4 states away) and called. We talked for about an hour. I got my answers, whether they are truth or not, only he knows. I filled him in on my life, I let him know he had a grandson. We talked about the Yankees, the good childhood memories. We had a great conversation. I finally after 23 years I had closure with dad. We never spoke again. He died shortly thereafter.

 

Understand, you are still the child. Whatever your dad did to your mother and vice versa was between them. They are the adults with adult situations.

I suggest finding a professional to help you deal with your emotions, including your mom. When the time is right, and you are strong enough you will get your answers.