get back together or walk away?

[Hopless Romantic]

I was going out with this really great guy. He would sit down and listen to me and he never pushed me into anything I didn't want to do. The problem was, I wasn't sure if he cared or not. I could have told him I loved him, but I wasn't sure how he would take that. He also has a drinking problem and I, myself, am trying to get away from alcohol. I finally made the decision to break up with him. I still care a lot about him. I thought I was okay until I saw him and found out that he cares a lot about me and doesn't want to loose me, but he wants me to do whatever will make me happy. I don't want to loose him either. I just am not sure if I can trust myself. I don't know if I should just walk away, get back together with him, or to do what I have been doing-pretending that we were okay after the break up. I want to get back together with him and I know he wants to too, but is it the right thing to do? I was hurt in the past by someone I loved really bad and wonder if I broke up with him because I was afraid of being hurt again. Can anyone out there help me? Please help if you can, I would really appreciate it.

[Tony T]

No matter how much you love someone, if that person has a drinking problem you are assured a life of hell. If you are not familiar with alcoholism, get a book about it or call Alcoholics Annonymous and explain your concerns. They will stear you in the direction of information that will help you.

 

You very casually mentioned "he also has a drinking problem." I don't think you have any idea how serious of a problem this is now and can become over the years. If you are trying to get away from alcohol, GET AWAY FROM HIM. I do encourage you with all my soul to get whatever help you need to quit anything but common social drinking where you keep the amount of intake in check.

 

Because of the drinking problem, he probably has difficulty assessing his feelings so he's not likely to discuss them with you. Generally, drinkers come from dysfunctional families where alcoholism runs in the genes. They use alcohol to numb their feelings and to skid through life without living it. Many have gone through a great deal of pain and alcohol is an escape. For others, it;s just a pure addiction.

 

Recovery from this disease can take years (if it happens at all), but only after someone has made the committment to do so, which could also take years.

 

Having a boyfriend or husband who is a drinker can be hell on earth. Every time he is a few minutes late, you wonder if he has been killed in an accident or is in jail. Everytime you go out with him to a social event, you wonder if you will be embarassed in front of your friends. You wonder exactly when he will endure an alcohol related illness. Unless you love alcohol yourself, you wonder how far you will be knocked down by his breath. You always wonder what kind of mood he is in or if he will remember what he has told you. Communication with an alcoholic is ZILCH.

 

Drinkers make incredibly awful fathers (usually). Their drunken stupors make them unpredictable, abusive, etc. The children usually become screwed up, codependent, and sorely in need of therapy for many years. Many do well...but many of these children are pathetically unprepared to deal with life themselves.

 

You are assured of a life of pure hell as his drinking gets worse. There should be no question in your mind of whether or not you should stay away from this man. Please do get more information on this subject so you will understand the details of what you could put yourself through by staying.

 

Love and caring for him has nothing to do with it. The important thing here is do you love yourself enough to want a quality life.

[Jesaco]

I was going out with this really great guy. He would sit down and listen to me and he never pushed me into anything I didn't want to do. The problem was, I wasn't sure if he cared or not. I could have told him I loved him, but I wasn't sure how he would take that. He also has a drinking problem and I, myself, am trying to get away from alcohol. I finally made the decision to break up with him. I still care a lot about him. I thought I was okay until I saw him and found out that he cares a lot about me and doesn't want to loose me, but he wants me to do whatever will make me happy. I don't want to loose him either. I just am not sure if I can trust myself. I don't know if I should just walk away, get back together with him, or to do what I have been doing-pretending that we were okay after the break up. I want to get back together with him and I know he wants to too, but is it the right thing to do? I was hurt in the past by someone I loved really bad and wonder if I broke up with him because I was afraid of being hurt again. Can anyone out there help me? Please help if you can, I would really appreciate it.

Hi!

 

You need to go with your feelings. But in this case, take it slow. If he has an alcohol problem, you already know that he is the one who has to decide to help himself.

 

So be with him as long as you feel good when you're with him. If you care about him, you can be there to support him, but you can't give him advice on what to do about his problems.

 

So far, it's seems like he really cares for you too. He is telling you to do what you want. So he's not trying to drag you down with his problem.

 

And as far as being afraid of being hurt again, just know that this is normal. But don't let your fears control the feelings in your heart. And don't let them stop you from letting yourself be loved.

 

Best of luck, Jesaco

[anonymousF]

my father was an alchoholic, career military, severely depressed. he wasn't always an alcoholic, so mother had no warning. you know this man has a problem. please leave.

 

he died when i was one (suicide). he planned to take us all. even though i did not remember him (youngest of 4 children), i am still feeling the lingering effects.

 

my mother finally left him right before he died. she knew we were all going to die with him. she is still suffering today. we all suffer. i don't want anyone to have to suffer.