The dreaded "Can we be friends": She feels that I'm possessive

[crazyB]

Early this summer I was pursued by a girl who was leaving a 10 year relationship. I was very unsure about getting too involved for a number of reasons, I felt it was too soon for her to get involved with someone new and she is much younger than me (I am 44, she is 30). But a relationship did develop, even though I had my doubts. A mutual friend, and very good friend of hers, encouraged me to pursue the relationship and we would have discussions from time to time.

 

Now a couple of weeks back I get a call basically saying that she would like us just to be friends because she felt the things that I discussed with her friend indicated that I was possessive. I honestly never made any jealous or possessive or controlling comments. I thought that was a very weak reason, but did not comment. After this "lets be friends" thing, I did say that it would be very difficult for me to think of her as a friend at this point so maybe we should let the relationship go. That was the last thing we said to each other. (One thing that I really like is that our arguments involve no yelling and no harsh words ever!)

 

I have not called her and she has not called me since.

 

On a side note, she is going through a major transition in her life, I do think she has the right to enjoy a single, free life. Her ex apparently was VERY controlling.

 

I also lent her a CD player and various other things, I thought that it would be appropriate for her to return these things but she has not. Should I ask for them back? (they are not that important to me, but the principle is).

 

I do miss her, should I call? Can we be friends, even though I feel "more"? or should I just let it totally go?

She seemed very serious about the "lets be friends" thing, I feel that I should respect her wishes and not bother her but I do have feelings.

[Tony T]

You were correct in your first assessment that is was much too soon for her to get in another relationship after her break up. You were basically a rebound, or transitional relationship for her as evidenced by her unemotional breakup with you and her failure to call you since you had the talk.

 

Yes, by all means contact her and ask for a convenient time when either you could go to her place and get your things or she could drop them by. Keep contact very brief. If there's somebody else who could do this for you, that would actually be a better idea.

 

You should never discuss your relationship with a third party, as you now know. However, in your case it was a Godsend because it was an excuse, however lame, for her to exit...as she probably wanted to do for a while. Being her friend would serve no purpose. You were just stepping stone for her to use to feel good while she was healing from her previous relationship. Move on to better things.

 

I hope you have learned to listen to yourself. If you don't, this will happen to you over and over and over. Listen to the good sense you have and use it instead of ignoring it and finding yourself in these kinds of situations. This gal is NOT your friend and given your feelings for her, you don't need her around while she's telling you about the young studs she will be seeing in the future.

[crazyB]

Thanks Tony! I think you have hit the nail on the head. Sometimes the obvious is difficult to see in matters of the heart. Your suggestions and observations are very much appreciated.