Am I pushing her away??? Is there still hope?

[DarkFlame1979]

Have I blown it with my ex?

A question to ponder ( we have been going out for 2 yrs 4 months and love her deerly)

 

My girlfriend has recently broken up with me, over the last six months we have not spent enough time together running a small business (7 Days) and her working 6 days a week(elsewhere), we only saw eachother at night times, money was tight and we couldnt afford to get anyone in to help me, so we fought at times we basically didnt spend enough "quality" time together or even still we never had any "me" time either, We only had the one car (mine) so I relied on her to drive me to work,and didnt have any freedom to even go out and buy some food when she had the car, this ended up being an issue too.

 

Basically we had a couple of chats about not being happy and recently she just got promoted to fulltime (giving her two days off a week)and we decided that I would pull the pin and get someone in one day a week so I could get a day off. This would have enabled a day together for "us" to spend time and get away from the pressures of work and spend time together(even just for a day) this was about to begin when the week before fulltime started she says "she doesnt want to do this anymore" She loves me very much but "wants to be happy again and spend time with her friends and needs space".

 

I am heartbroken, I dont know why she didnt give it a chance to settle down and spend some quality time together. I wrote her a letter the next day explaining that "we" has lost focus and stopped communicating on feelings because we were both so busy. Just before she moved out she left me a letter saying that she loves me very much and she is going to miss me "so so much" She loved the good times and fun we had..and the only thing she would change is the fact that she hurt me"...

 

The day before she moves out she calls me and wants to see a movie with me, we ended up seeing a movie a cp, after the movie we hugged and I gave her a kiss, she let me at first then pulled away, I gave her a little note with a heart with our initials on it ie AV loves TC and she effectionately said "oh thank you" anyways about 2 weeks has passed on since this and I went to her work and gave her a letter explaining how sorry I was for putting too much effort into the business and neglecting her(blaming myself) and the relationship and asking for her to give it another try, three days past and she came in to work and said that she doesnt want to try again, I talked to her for about fifteen minutes about how it came to be and the fact we still had the same goals in life and I asked her if anything "made sense"in the letter I wrote and she agrees that when work is not an issue we "are" good together, we have not cheated on eachother and I asked her to honestly think about the good times, if we both made the effort to work together could we start again from scratch, I asked her to take the time between now and january to think about it (she goes overseas for ten days next week) then back for a week then goes away over xmas to see her dad. She said she would think about it but said "i cant promise you anything"

 

I dont know if I gave her the letter too early or she feels smothered, she now has her own car (freedom and a new place) shes got her freedom back that may make a difference. I just dont know how to read her feelings, I dont think there is someone else (if there is its very new) is she confused. I just cant understand that she realises that work got in the way and we could fix that issue that she wouldnt want to try again, should I just give her more time is she feeling smothered by me?? SHe said during the discussion that "i didnt want to have this discussion with you) this was before i convinced her to take the time to to think about going back to square one and starting from scratch)

 

Am I pushing the issue too hard, and should I just give her space??

Any ideas, I am going around the twist with this, should i just let her go??

 

I sent a message to one of her best friends, (this was before my ex came to work the other day) and she said that I should move on and its final, she doesnt want to hurt me, I am getting mixed feelings, her friend say let her go but my ex doesnt seem to know what to do??

 

I asked some old friends what i should do (guys)and they said i should just give her the time, but if I do that wont she have time to find another "mate" it so hard to know what to do.

 

I talked to a friend today (mature woman) she said I should just propose to her "at least you will know whats going on for sure" she said "what would I have to lose" as she thinks I will go around the twist between now and January, I am so confused and need your help!!!

[UnamedSeven]

Ok, well, you honestly cant do anything, right now. Giving her that letter, was a very good idea and it is a good thing that you gave it to her. Allow me to explain:

 

Work has gotten the best of both of you. Shadowing who you both really were;since you and her havent had much time to be together. With the weight of work, especially since you both work so much, it makes everything else seem, Unimportant. So, it wasn't your fault or hers. I'm definetly assuming that work is really a huge priority on both of your lists. You both needed the money in order for the both of you to, "get by".

 

As for her and the future, I really wouldn't put your life on 'hold' for this girl. She means a lot, and, loves you, but you have your own life to live. Which, i would highly suggest telling her.

[DarkFlame1979]

I have all her stuff ie furniture in the basement,should i just tell her that she needs to get her stuff out so i can move on.....as in start no contact??

[UnamedSeven]

Definetly that last part. But, you may just have to move all of the furniture to the curb and just tell her to take it. Probably best to do that.

[moonmoon]

Dark flame, though you guys were together longer, I feel like you are one of the if not The most similar situation ive found on LS to my current one.

 

If you truly believe you can make it work, as long as it gives you strength and doesnt sap you, i dont think theres anything wrong with wanting to make stuff work out with her.

 

The aspect of going about the break up that I did differently was that, although I secretly wanted to come out and blame myself and propose I change myself etc. kinda like what you did in that letter, i held off and had as positive a conversation as could be, listened because I didnt want her to have a taste of argument going into the breakup, and I have been NC for 11 days now.

 

I feel that LS is right that there is really no one thing you can say or conversation you can have with a woman that is feeling that way, that will turn everything around, but I disagree with unequivocal NC and think you can start acting in a way that will put you in the fast track to your best chance of having her back.

 

I will be posting on this thread as long as you need support. Please visit my thread and give me advice, i think a lot of us know the right things to do but its easier to realize it when advising others than trying to advise ourselves.

 

Im rooting for you.

[trex]

DarkFlame I feel for you man. It seems the demise of your relationship was caused by bad luck and poor circumstance, much of which is out of your control. However, what's done is done and it seems like right now, her decision is pretty set. I'm getting a vibe from you that you've been trying to logically persuade her that you two should still be together, which will only make her decision more set. As it is so heavily preached on this forum, follow the NC rule.

[DarkFlame1979]

Thanks for the support folks,

 

Heres the situation she is going to New Zealand to visit her mum next Wednesday for ten days then home for a week then off to Perth for XMAS and gets back on the 28th. I still have all her furniture and Luggage etc. Today she called me I ignored both calls, then she arrived and asked me for the keys to get her stuff, I gave them to her she took a bit of time to do that (I expect some kind of letter when I return tonight) She returned the keys and (looking hot mind you just got back from a photoshoot)I asked firstly to get her new address so i can forward her mail, She said "I had my photoshoot today and its on tomorrow too" " just said "ok" didnt attempt to ask her about it. (i though she may have been on a date but made mention of the "shoot" to perhaps throw me off the scent but its prob legit)

 

Anyways I said to her (in a calm voice) that "I would appreciate it if she found somewhere to stow her gear ASAP (as i was having someone move in) and thats that and then I said "that will allow me to move on", she nodded, she said that it will be hard next month as she is all over the world travellling but would organise it as soon as possible, seemed a little peeved at my comments , and she didnt say goodbye just sort of opened the door up with more effort than you would normally use.

 

Did i approach the situation correctly? any thoughts

 

Thanks Again!

[DarkFlame1979]

Ok, well, you honestly cant do anything, right now. Giving her that letter, was a very good idea and it is a good thing that you gave it to her. Allow me to explain:

 

Work has gotten the best of both of you. Shadowing who you both really were;since you and her havent had much time to be together. With the weight of work, especially since you both work so much, it makes everything else seem, Unimportant. So, it wasn't your fault or hers. I'm definetly assuming that work is really a huge priority on both of your lists. You both needed the money in order for the both of you to, "get by".

 

As for her and the future, I really wouldn't put your life on 'hold' for this girl. She means a lot, and, loves you, but you have your own life to live. Which, i would highly suggest telling her.

 

Ive got a small 7 day a week business, she was working heaps too she is in hospitality (a pub) and doesnt get paid too much, so we essentially working ourselves into the ground and I fear that she has fallen out of love with me in the process!!

[DarkFlame1979]

Dark flame, though you guys were together longer, I feel like you are one of the if not The most similar situation ive found on LS to my current one.

 

If you truly believe you can make it work, as long as it gives you strength and doesnt sap you, i dont think theres anything wrong with wanting to make stuff work out with her.

 

The aspect of going about the break up that I did differently was that, although I secretly wanted to come out and blame myself and propose I change myself etc. kinda like what you did in that letter, i held off and had as positive a conversation as could be, listened because I didnt want her to have a taste of argument going into the breakup, and I have been NC for 11 days now.

 

I feel that LS is right that there is really no one thing you can say or conversation you can have with a woman that is feeling that way, that will turn everything around, but I disagree with unequivocal NC and think you can start acting in a way that will put you in the fast track to your best chance of having her back.

 

I will be posting on this thread as long as you need support. Please visit my thread and give me advice, i think a lot of us know the right things to do but its easier to realize it when advising others than trying to advise ourselves.

 

Im rooting for you.

 

 

Im not too sure i can help you much as I am heartbroken and shattered, and in need of help from you folks, but i'll do what i can, can you list your thread?

[UnamedSeven]

Well, don't think that she 'completely' fell out of love. If she did, then she never loved you in the first place. Think about it, if she honestly loved you, would she have acted the way she did? I don't think that there is one single job in this world, done by a human, that can possibly make someone fall out of love with their mate. Unless if it was never love to start with.

[DarkFlame1979]

Well, don't think that she 'completely' fell out of love. If she did, then she never loved you in the first place. Think about it, if she honestly loved you, would she have acted the way she did? I don't think that there is one single job in this world, done by a human, that can possibly make someone fall out of love with their mate. Unless if it was never love to start with.

 

I think it was more of the fact that we were so exhausted and in each others faces all the time like groundhog day, where we basically worked so much that by the time you got home there wasnt anything left, ie time for romance because you were too stuffed and grumpy and too tired to really connect and and rememer that you are not flatmates you are a couple!! At lease thats how i looked at it!!

[UnamedSeven]

yes. i agree. Sorry if i upset you, i think i may have. I wasn't too sure of the WHOLE situation. Having the energy to fix whats been broken (to fix anything thats been broken) takes a while to do. With work being the core problem, you both had to try and fix it so that it wasn't the problem. Leaving you almost no time for anything at all.

 

Umm i usually apply this to everything, but yeah. "Just keep on, Keepin' on"

[DarkFlame1979]

yes. i agree. Sorry if i upset you, i think i may have. I wasn't too sure of the WHOLE situation. Having the energy to fix whats been broken (to fix anything thats been broken) takes a while to do. With work being the core problem, you both had to try and fix it so that it wasn't the problem. Leaving you almost no time for anything at all.

 

Umm i usually apply this to everything, but yeah. "Just keep on, Keepin' on"

 

No you didnt upset me!! Honest!

 

I painted a picture with my original post, but didnt detail EVERYTHING as i probably should have, it only comes to you as questions are asked.....

 

Did you think i delt with her today correctly?? how did you read what went down??

[DarkFlame1979]

Quick follow up.

 

I got home and expected a letter explaining that she "doesnt" want me anymore, as the last two times she has come around to get things she left a letter (firstly the day she left, the next time she had to come around to pickup stuff I printed out a brilliant photo of the two of us and put an I love you on it and left it on the kitchen bench knowing she was coming around without me being there (she still had keys at this stage) and I returned from work to find I love you too on the photo" This was immediately after she moved out and was finishing picking up the incidentals.

 

Never the less, I expected her to leave something, she had used the phone as it was in a diff spot(prob to ring either her mum in NZ as she only has a prepaid mob) , but she left the dvd's she borrowed out from weeks ago.....cant get why she didnt pick these up...(perhaps she forgot)

 

Now im thinking maybe i shoudlnt have told her to get rid of her gear as perhaps she is still in limbo on the decision..........This chick is fair dinkum driving me crazy, and I am vicariously living via this website as an outlet!!!

 

WHAT DO I DO!!!

[UnamedSeven]

Sorry for responding so late, but this will be my last till tomorrow.

 

From what it sounds like, she may need a fresh start. Whether or not she wants to have something with you, again, in the future, is up to her. If she does, it will become apparent when she:

talks to you constantly

calls you more

asks to hang out

and stuff like that. Don't do anything that you may regret, though. For now, be friendly and nice to her. But, don't go over-board.

[Mikey Action]

Dark, I feel for you.

 

People change. It is possible to love someone and yet not want to be with them or at least know that it won't work out. The thing is. People change their mind all the time. I know you've done it. So have I.

 

From what you've said this seems like the issue. Security. She's got a promotion, more money, a new car. The money allows her to do things she could not do before. Money can ruin good relationships.

 

Freedom. People want to be free. They don't want to be tied down, even if they're married. There is no worse feeling then feeling trapped. If she has no money, this may contribute to this feeling.

 

She has money and freedom. A dangerous combination for a relationship in this era. Women now compete with men in all career arenas. This isn't 1955 and that's a good thing. However she may see you as holding her back. She sees her career going one way and you going another. The only way that the two paths can be reconciled is if she figures it out.

 

most people on here seem to advocate moving on with NC. I do too.

 

I'd say take some time with no contact to really think.

 

You've been going out over two years, that is a long time. You know each other intimately. Think about it. You probably know her better then her parents do at this point.

 

What are your options?

 

In the first two months you can do the "be her pal, spend time with her, talk to her" All that will happen is you will call her and she won't call you in return. Sure, she'll take your calls and won't talk about the relationship. When you try to talk about it she'll get defensive. You'll talk for hours like you did when you were first dating. She'll answer the phone while she's at a party and your heart will sink, she'll post photos of her and her friends having a good time and you will feel bad for a week. She won't call back after a great conversation and you will feel terrible.

 

This will get you nothing but heartache and pain. If you are a glutton for pain this is the way to go.

 

Was this really good? Do you really want to be with her. I've been where you are. I did a couple of months of calling and being nice, being laid back on the phone. Texting. She just wasn't calling me and I felt like I was pestering her. I was. At some point you will hit the bottom. Only you know when that is. That is the point where you say "feeling this bad over this person who rejected me is not worth it".

 

My bottom was when after a fight she told me that the "two months wasn't enough time for her" and that I was "reinforcing to her that she made the right decision". For me, that was when I said, "who cares about her in the grand scheme of things? I gotta care about myself".

 

If you're talking to her still at this point, and you're now seeing how you've been acting out of your own character. Tell her. Tell her you need to work on you. That's how I would advocate initiating NC. Don't just drop off the planet. Even if she did it to you. Be the bigger person. Tell them what you intend to do and why. Be brief, non judgemental and then go do it!

 

Every single one of those "get your ex back" books will tell you this in some form. She has asked for space and rejected you. Ok. All you can do is work on yourself, focus on your life and bettering it and wait. Give her what she told you she wanted. Freedom.

 

Here is where I differ from most. Most will tell you to get your ex out of your mind and give up the idea that they are coming back. I wouldn't. I would simply put it in the back of my mind. The idea here is to look at the benefits of winning not the cost of losing.

 

After two years, she won't let go forever. Emotions are running high. I know, after a couple of months of contact every week or so with my ex I sprung the "get back together" on her. What did I get? More pain. A list of all the things I had NOT done over the past years. A declaration that two months was not enough time for her. That I was only validating the decision to move on.

 

What does that mean? It means that after two months, she had been thinking about our relationship, even though I "knew" she hadn't. That she really did want to be alone and have her space. Freedom doesn't always mean "to get out there and jump on someone else". Sometimes freedom means just that. To be Free. Only you can know if she's being truthful with you.

 

It's hard. The best way I've found to cope is to simply list all the good and bad qualities she had. The bad list far outweighed the good list. Do that. Read it every day. Don't call. Don't email. Nothing.

 

Get her out of your head. Don't talk to her. If you call her every week and be nice, friendly and she seems receptive but doesn't call you, I would guess she really wants to be friendly, doesn't want to hurt you further or has no idea what she wants. When they seem receptive, have no other man in their life and are in a new phase (work, location, whatever) they don't know what they want yet. Often the sense of elation from "freedom" lasts for a 4-5 months then they realize that they like being free but like being in love more. Sometimes not. It's all up to the dumper.

 

That is the secret. It really is "if you love someone set them free" . If she comes back to you then she's yours.

 

Really. Every little issue she brings up in fights really isn't that big a deal. There never is a "straw that breaks the camels back" people can deal with quirks and little things. People can work out issues as large as repeated infidelity for goodness sake. If you've been together a long time, and there was no cheating, and there really was love there, I would take the first reason she gave you and believe it because it's likely true.

 

In this case, I'd just venture a guess that she sees a chance to advance her career and she feels its you or her career. If someone asked you to gamble the rest of your life on the chance that you and someone you love could make it better together, would you do it? Be honest. I don't think a reasonable person would do it.

 

Lots of people fall in love. It takes all kinds of luck to make love work out.

 

Do I think she loves you? Yes. Only a person who is evil or an immature child will tell someone they love them when they don't and are breaking up.

 

Do I think she thinks about you far more then you probably know? Yes. I do.

 

Do I think you can get her back?

Maybe. has she moved on with another man? If she hasn't it could just mean that she really wants to sort her life out and be free. All you can do is take care of yourself and wait for her to call you. Something tells me that she is likely to. Give it a month, and if you haven't heard contact her. That's what I would do.

[DarkFlame1979]

Thank you Mikey Action, a thorough well though out response!

 

I am between two worlds at the moment as I think that perhaps I would be better off without her, yet I know deep down that she is still immature (i'm almost 30 shes 24) She owes some money to creditors (3 different ones) and instead of paying them she would rather go out and have a good time. Basically ignore a payment and I get the call as they have my home number as her contact. I talked to a friend today and he said that SHE left ME in the lurch at the worst possible time of the year for me (one week of the year that is massive and you really need your wits about you) she hit me up two days before that week started, I even lined her up a friend to get a good deal on a car for her (post breakup), have I done too much?? I am the one whos hurting at the end of the day, I really could be a henry hunt and put all her furniture out in the rain but I wont, im not that sort of person.

 

If she does think about the situation (over the ensuing month or so) and I get the feeling that she is either shacking up with someone else or either hiding her feelings very well, she wasnt happy to come in yesterday and get the keys from me it seemed like a chore and there were no smiles, im not sure how to read it. Perhaps i shouldnt, I just want her to get her crap out ASAP so i can start NC and start to heal. I cant really start NC until she gets her stuff, so another month goes by with me feeling like crap!

 

I asked her to come around and pick up her dvd's she cant today as she is busy today, I want to give her her stuff back ASAP ( i grabbed all the soft toys and some other incidentals in a bag with the dvd's) im thinking of going into her work and dropping it off tonight and saying "Just wanted to say no hard feelings, take care of youself ask for a hug and wish her well for her holiday" as she leaves this WED" Would this be seen as wimpy, or crowding or finalising it and giving me a sense of closure??

 

Is this a good idea?

[DarkFlame1979]

Dark, I feel for you.

 

People change. It is possible to love someone and yet not want to be with them or at least know that it won't work out. The thing is. People change their mind all the time. I know you've done it. So have I.

 

From what you've said this seems like the issue. Security. She's got a promotion, more money, a new car. The money allows her to do things she could not do before. Money can ruin good relationships.

 

Freedom. People want to be free. They don't want to be tied down, even if they're married. There is no worse feeling then feeling trapped. If she has no money, this may contribute to this feeling.

 

She has money and freedom. A dangerous combination for a relationship in this era. Women now compete with men in all career arenas. This isn't 1955 and that's a good thing. However she may see you as holding her back. She sees her career going one way and you going another. The only way that the two paths can be reconciled is if she figures it out.

 

most people on here seem to advocate moving on with NC. I do too.

 

I'd say take some time with no contact to really think.

 

You've been going out over two years, that is a long time. You know each other intimately. Think about it. You probably know her better then her parents do at this point.

 

What are your options?

 

In the first two months you can do the "be her pal, spend time with her, talk to her" All that will happen is you will call her and she won't call you in return. Sure, she'll take your calls and won't talk about the relationship. When you try to talk about it she'll get defensive. You'll talk for hours like you did when you were first dating. She'll answer the phone while she's at a party and your heart will sink, she'll post photos of her and her friends having a good time and you will feel bad for a week. She won't call back after a great conversation and you will feel terrible.

 

This will get you nothing but heartache and pain. If you are a glutton for pain this is the way to go.

 

Was this really good? Do you really want to be with her. I've been where you are. I did a couple of months of calling and being nice, being laid back on the phone. Texting. She just wasn't calling me and I felt like I was pestering her. I was. At some point you will hit the bottom. Only you know when that is. That is the point where you say "feeling this bad over this person who rejected me is not worth it".

 

My bottom was when after a fight she told me that the "two months wasn't enough time for her" and that I was "reinforcing to her that she made the right decision". For me, that was when I said, "who cares about her in the grand scheme of things? I gotta care about myself".

 

If you're talking to her still at this point, and you're now seeing how you've been acting out of your own character. Tell her. Tell her you need to work on you. That's how I would advocate initiating NC. Don't just drop off the planet. Even if she did it to you. Be the bigger person. Tell them what you intend to do and why. Be brief, non judgemental and then go do it!

 

Every single one of those "get your ex back" books will tell you this in some form. She has asked for space and rejected you. Ok. All you can do is work on yourself, focus on your life and bettering it and wait. Give her what she told you she wanted. Freedom.

 

Here is where I differ from most. Most will tell you to get your ex out of your mind and give up the idea that they are coming back. I wouldn't. I would simply put it in the back of my mind. The idea here is to look at the benefits of winning not the cost of losing.

 

After two years, she won't let go forever. Emotions are running high. I know, after a couple of months of contact every week or so with my ex I sprung the "get back together" on her. What did I get? More pain. A list of all the things I had NOT done over the past years. A declaration that two months was not enough time for her. That I was only validating the decision to move on.

 

What does that mean? It means that after two months, she had been thinking about our relationship, even though I "knew" she hadn't. That she really did want to be alone and have her space. Freedom doesn't always mean "to get out there and jump on someone else". Sometimes freedom means just that. To be Free. Only you can know if she's being truthful with you.

 

It's hard. The best way I've found to cope is to simply list all the good and bad qualities she had. The bad list far outweighed the good list. Do that. Read it every day. Don't call. Don't email. Nothing.

 

Get her out of your head. Don't talk to her. If you call her every week and be nice, friendly and she seems receptive but doesn't call you, I would guess she really wants to be friendly, doesn't want to hurt you further or has no idea what she wants. When they seem receptive, have no other man in their life and are in a new phase (work, location, whatever) they don't know what they want yet. Often the sense of elation from "freedom" lasts for a 4-5 months then they realize that they like being free but like being in love more. Sometimes not. It's all up to the dumper.

 

That is the secret. It really is "if you love someone set them free" . If she comes back to you then she's yours.

 

Really. Every little issue she brings up in fights really isn't that big a deal. There never is a "straw that breaks the camels back" people can deal with quirks and little things. People can work out issues as large as repeated infidelity for goodness sake. If you've been together a long time, and there was no cheating, and there really was love there, I would take the first reason she gave you and believe it because it's likely true.

 

In this case, I'd just venture a guess that she sees a chance to advance her career and she feels its you or her career. If someone asked you to gamble the rest of your life on the chance that you and someone you love could make it better together, would you do it? Be honest. I don't think a reasonable person would do it.

 

Lots of people fall in love. It takes all kinds of luck to make love work out.

 

Do I think she loves you? Yes. Only a person who is evil or an immature child will tell someone they love them when they don't and are breaking up.

 

Do I think she thinks about you far more then you probably know? Yes. I do.

 

Do I think you can get her back?

Maybe. has she moved on with another man? If she hasn't it could just mean that she really wants to sort her life out and be free. All you can do is take care of yourself and wait for her to call you. Something tells me that she is likely to. Give it a month, and if you haven't heard contact her. That's what I would do.

 

The thing about the promotion is its not more money she just went from casual to fulltime giving her two days off a week(which was starting the week after breaking up with me (this i hoped would have facilitated a day off together to spend quality time together) this essentially frees her up a bit and gave her "time" to do her own thing....something i think she was apparently craving. So financially she is maybe 20 or 30 better off a week, so if anything it will be harder on her rent, food, fuel, insurance, general living expenses, this will be a test for her as she cant budget for crap!!

 

I just want to start NC but do it in such a way that gives her a nice reminder of our last conversation together, so at least her last thoughts of seeing me are nice ones rather than hurtful?? what do you think

[DarkFlame1979]

FOLLOW UP:

 

Ok I went to her work and gave her' her things, said "no hard feelings" had a bit of small talk, and she mentioned that she was going to NZ this week and i wouldnt see her for a while, i brushed it off and (knowing she hates flying and is going to NZ on Wednesday and nearly broke my hand she held it so tight when we flew down to meet my parents last year) I grabbed a soft toy out of the bag and said, I know you wont have anyone to take take of you on the plane and know you get scared so take this to hold it'll look after you and she gave me the biggest smile and thankyou I have seen in a LONG time, I didnt ask her for a hug I just said take care of yourself and left it at that, I left the pub and could see her playing with the soft toy as I left. I think this leaves her with a nice memory of our last meeting and thus begins my NC, I realise that she will contact me at some stage to move her gear, so I guess ill await that call and remain strong. No calls/messages txt anything until then!

 

Any advice??

[Narf]

FOLLOW UP:

 

Ok I went to her work and gave her' her things, said "no hard feelings" had a bit of small talk, and she mentioned that she was going to NZ this week and i wouldnt see her for a while, i brushed it off and (knowing she hates flying and is going to NZ on Wednesday and nearly broke my hand she held it so tight when we flew down to meet my parents last year) I grabbed a soft toy out of the bag and said, I know you wont have anyone to take take of you on the plane and know you get scared so take this to hold it'll look after you and she gave me the biggest smile and thankyou I have seen in a LONG time, I didnt ask her for a hug I just said take care of yourself and left it at that, I left the pub and could see her playing with the soft toy as I left. I think this leaves her with a nice memory of our last meeting and thus begins my NC, I realise that she will contact me at some stage to move her gear, so I guess ill await that call and remain strong. No calls/messages txt anything until then!

 

Any advice??

 

sorry no advice really but i think that was a great way to end it... Shows you care but you are not crowding her and that you are moving on.. I think no hug was a good thing too... It seems a little like you are accepting crumbs from her if you ask for it.. So i think you did wonderfully! You sound like a really nice guy and i hope all works out well for you! No contact will be hard but i reckon stick too it! and everything will work out

[DarkFlame1979]

sorry no advice really but i think that was a great way to end it... Shows you care but you are not crowding her and that you are moving on.. I think no hug was a good thing too... It seems a little like you are accepting crumbs from her if you ask for it.. So i think you did wonderfully! You sound like a really nice guy and i hope all works out well for you! No contact will be hard but i reckon stick too it! and everything will work out

 

 

I'm trying to be strong, I feel like sending her a txt like safe trip etc, but i know I shouldnt. I just checked out her myspace, facebook & bebo and she still has me listed as her bf and photos of us together , nothing has changed (she has been at all three sites in the last week so she has had time to update) If there was someone else why wouldnt you delete all the pics and change your status, it still has me in her blurb that we are together!

 

I'm just so confused!

 

I think I am just clutching at straws! She goes to NZ tomorrow for ten days then back for a week then over to Perth so hopefully her folks will talk to her and she can reflect on whats happened without her girlfriends in her ear! who knows i guess!

[DarkFlame1979]

Any insights team, i could really use your help!! I want to break nc and ask her how her plane trip was.............i know i shouldnt!

[Mikey Action]

Any insights team, i could really use your help!! I want to break nc and ask her how her plane trip was.............i know i shouldnt!

 

If you want to do it, then do it. If you don't then don't. Before you decide. Think about it. That's all I can say. Don't over analyze. Think .

 

Do you want to hear how she's having tons of fun without you? Or maybe she met someone else?

 

Can you handle that? Would you feel even worse then you do now?

 

It's tough. I know. But you gotta take it a day at a time. Frankly, I think the reason you want to talk to her is you feel it will maybe give you some semblance of control over your feelings?

 

The only way you can control your feelings is to tell yourself that you cannot control this. Once you realize you cannot control it you will start to feel better.

 

This quote always helps me:

 

"A good martial artist does not become tense, but ready. Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come. When the opponent expands, I contract. When he contracts, I expand."

--Bruce Lee

 

Think about it, then think about it again. and again. and again. Bruce Lee really was wise beyond his years.

 

All he's saying? Go with the flow. With what she gives you. If she pushes you away, then move away. If she pulls you towards her then let her, go with your instincts. Don't overthink it. It seems so simple, but really its hard to do.

 

Sit. Think about it and then make up your mind about what you want to do.

 

Best wishes.

[DarkFlame1979]

I stayed strong, I have not texted/called nothing............and neither has she, she is still in NZ but will fly home tomorrow. I guess I can just wait, what if she calls should I ignore her? She will have had a week away from work/stress time with her old friends and family, I am hoping she would have had some time to reflect on whats happened, tomorrow it will be approx 11 days since NC began...........should i just bide my time and wait?

[DarkFlame1979]

any advice team?