Am I falling out of Love with my husband??

[RjandOlivia2522]

I am a 23 yr old married mother of 2. My husband and I have been together for a total of 3 years, Married for 1. From the second that we laid eyes on eachother, we fell madly in love with eachother. We were the best of friends! Only 3 months into our relationship I became pregnant with out first child. Surprisingly this news did not put a strain on our relationship, like it would for most that have been dating for 3 months. He had been in a relationship before ours that lasted for 5 years and resulted in a child as well. My husband was the type to say that he was NEVER going to get married (before me). When he met me his whole thought on that changed. He asked me to marry him 4 months after our first child was born and 8 months after that we were married. Nothing has been perfect in our relationship. For the most part we have had a really good relationship. When we did fight and he left to cool down a little , I would get really upset and want him to be home. But after the birth of our second child 7 months ago things have changed. Now when we fight it lasts for a while. When he leaves I am almost relieved that he isnt here. He always wants to be with me and make love to me. To be quite honest he really turns me off. I feel terrible about saying that but I cant help it. I dont know what it could be. Am I falling out of love with him? or is this just some post pregnancy, multiple child syndrome? I do not want to hurt him. He quite honestly has been the most caring, honest man that has ever been in my life. Not to mention he is the father of my children.

 

 

What do I do?? HELP ME!

[RecordProducer]

Why does he turn you off? You say he is most caring, but leaves when you fight. Where does he go? How long does it last and why do you guys fight?

 

You're very young and have too many responsibilities for your age. This could be a temporary crisis or it could be that you grew up in the meanwhile and he is no longer what you want.

 

Do you want him to change something about his behavior or personality? The bet test to figure out whether you're still in love is to imagine him being with another woman. If you feel jealous - you love him. If you don't feel jealous, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't love him.

 

Talk to him, try marriage counseling, try to make some changes yourself. What would you do if you divorced him? Would you be able to make it on your own with two kids? Think of your children. They deserve for you to give your marriage a chance to survive. All couples who have been married for a long time say that they have fallen in and out of love with their spouses. Marriages are not all rainbows. Especially in such young age when you barely know yourself and what you want from your life.

[Geishawhelk]

I would suspect (but I can't be sure - medical diagnoses are not recommended here! neither would I ever presume to do so!!)

 

- There might be a bit of post-natal depression (which can hit anything upto 5 years after the child is born) to tiredness, to hormonal fluctuation, to just plain going off it a bit!!

 

First of all, get yourself checked up by your Doctor.

Secondly, please know that loss of libido IS EXTREMELY COMMON.

Thirdly - looking after young children is enormously taxing and exhausting.

 

Takle these things into consideration.

But primarily, have a word with your Doc.

[RjandOlivia2522]

I don't know why he turnes me off. He will consistantly try to be intimate with me. It drives me nuts! Working from home and taking care of the children, the house, doing laundry, walking the dog, etc is hard work. Especially since I am a little bit of a perfectionist. When he is around I feel like I my responsibilities become greater. It is almost as if I have a third child. When he gets home he leaves all of his belongings everywhere. I am constantly running around picking up after him. I have had many conversations with him about this and it NEVER goes anywhere. I am tired of being the maide. As for marriage counseling been there done that. Three months after we were married we were in counseling. Lets just say he was letting his mother put her opinion in where it doesn't belong and things got intense. And lets not forget about him not being too thrilled about me being pregnant with our second child, when he was the one that said we should start trying again. I think that hurt me the most. We have had some really hard struggles in our relationship. It drives me out of my mind when he caters to his Ex. She is the lowest of the low. I am not just saying that because she is his ex and I don't like her. I am saying this because she is selfish. She cares more about her boyfriend and where she is going to party tonight then her child. And there I am picking up the slack. My husband doesn't do anything about it. In fact for the first year of our relationship she was trying to get back together with him. Posting blogs about me on how I was a whore and homewrecker, and I was having a bastard child. My husband actually appologized to her. Saying hes sorry that he never ment to hurt her. He didn't defend me at all. To this day he still won't defend me when I am being attacked or snubbed (by his Ex or his mom).

 

I constantly try and do the right thing. I always just try and think about my kids. I know that they deserve the best. A happy family with a mom and a dad. I would like to think of myself as a smart woman. I have a good job that makes me able to be home with my children. I also attend college part time to finish my degree. I am trying to be the best that I can be, so that if something does happen to our marriage I will be able to support me and my kids. My children are the most important things in my life. I always considered my husband to be to. I'm not so sure anymore. It this because I am holding a grudge? I don't know what to so anymore.

[Geishawhelk]

......I always just try and think about my kids. I know that they deserve the best. A happy family with a mom and a dad.

 

 

Not necessarily.

better two homes and 2 happy parents than 1 home and 2 miserable parents.

[Walk]

Sounds to me like you're fed up with being last in line. Everyone else gets your husbands attention before you, everyone else gets your husbands efforts while you end up doing all the work to take care of your husband. It doesn't sound like your needs are getting met, and he's not showing you that he even cares if they are or not.

 

My exh was similiar to your h. He was fine with having me be the backbone of the relationship while he put the majority of his energy into making sure others were happy with him. I got tired of giving. I wasn't getting the bare minimum I needed in return. It drained me until I had nothing left but apathy for him. So I left. In hindsight, I do wish I had made a strong stand much earlier then I did to impress on him that things were doomed if they didn't change. But even when I did make a stand, and fought to change things, he insisted I was mentally ill and I was chemically imbalanced. It was never his fault, it was always someone elses. It wasn't his fault I was unhappy so therefore I had to be mentally ill. It wasn't his fault he couldn't help out around the house because his parents made cleaning a chore. It wasn't his fault he couldn't stop spending every dime we made because his father was like that too.

 

Guess what I'm saying is, yes I do believe you're falling out of love with your husband, and I don't feel it's simply an issue with chemical imbalances. And personally, I'd tell him flat out. "I'm unhappy, things will change, and this is how they are going to change". Let him know the consequences if he brushes your concerns aside. (i.e. You'll leave) If he chooses to work with you, then great... if he whines that it's not his fault, then before he even gets the sentence out of his mouth just turn and walk away from him. Show him you won't tolerate his excuses. When you say I need, if he can't offer a rational logical reason for why it's not being done, then cut him off and walk away. If he insists it's your issue, let him know he's dismissing your concerns, and then remove yourself from him. Take the kids and go see your parents for a weekend or something. Don't reinforce his excuses. Don't even tolerate them. When he doesn't behave as he promised (love honor cherish) then take away all the good things you give to him (your love, support, and companionship). It isn't a matter of punishing his behavior, it's a matter of standing up for yourself. Knowing you deserve better and not tolerating being treated poorly.

[lkjh]

sounds like stress from real life. Marriage and family doesn't come easy; it needs work. You have two kids and Im willing to bet you have a lot of stress. Talk to him and see if the two of you can set up time for dates and all of that stuff you use to do. Everyone goes through patches like this but in the long run if you work at it these things work out.

The problem is we are led to believe that everything in life comes easy(Although not so blunt). Do not throw the towel in just yet because it does get better. You have a lot of good days to look forward to but you need to start communicating with your H in way he will understand. Good luck

[lkjh]

Just remember life is filled with stress and how we deal with it makes us who we are. You will learn how to deal with all of this; you are still new to it. Give it time and find someone to talk to like your mother, aunt, or grandmother.

[carhill]

Tell him to go live with mommy and toss his stuff out. Message sent

 

My instinct is you're incompatible. You can love someone you're incompatible with. You can marry them. It doesn't mean that's healthy, for either of you. It doesn't mean such is permanent. I'd give MC one more try with no mommy and then, if no progress, bail. That's what I'd tell you as "daddy"

[RjandOlivia2522]

Your right I am fed up with being last in line. He thinks that trying to be intimate with me to make up for it. He always picks the most inappropriate times too. I.e when I am in the middle of cleaning up after the kids or him, or when I am trying to get some work/homework done or even when I am half asleep. And when I don't give it to him he complains. I get the your "Crazy" line all the time. One time he even went as far to say that he misses the "Old" me. That ever since I had my first child that I changed into this psycho who is super sensitive and hates everyone. I will be the first to admit that I changed after having my first. I had to grow up and be more mature. After all I was going to be a mother. And I will also be the first to admit that these days when I get fed up, I blow up. Instead of just brushing it off like I would have in the past. However when I do blow up its after a while of holding it in, until I just cant anymore. I actually started to think that I was mentally ill for awhile. I would start to get depressed and try to talk to him about the way I was feeling and he would brush me off. Say that everything that I was feeling was all in my head. I think "stop being so sensitive" was one of his sayings. I actually started to think I was "Crazy". That my feelings were insignificant.

 

 

What was I thinking?

[carhill]

I think "stop being so sensitive" was one of his sayings. I actually started to think I was "Crazy". That my feelings were insignificant.

 

 

What was I thinking?

 

I remember my wife suggesting to our psychologist that I might be mentally ill. That was an interesting day

 

I really hate to say this but I think you need to kick him out. Some people need a shock to their system to clarify things for them. Think of it as a tool. His response will be an answer. It's very possible you and he view emotional levels (levels of pain/anger/pleasure, etc) in completely different ways and he just doesn't see your pain and anger externally at the same level you're feeling it internally. We learned a lot of cool tools in MC to effectively close this gap and get things out in the open without blow ups. It has helped, but would've helped more years ago. You have a chance. I hope you can make it work

 

Oh, I do echo another suggestion to stay on top of your personal health. Stress is a killer. It can cause change to essential biological functions; functions which impact mental and emotional health. A medical doctor can track these things with you and suggest medical and/or lifestyle solutions for you to try.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Seems like you are sick of all the household chores and the work of the kids and your husb not helping out.

 

But believe me, working is a million times worse and you are lucky. At least you get to be with the kids and don't have to get up at 6am and drag them to a daycare to go to work.

 

Just take some time for yourself, take a drive alone, go for a walk, do things one at a time.

 

Your situation doesn't sound so bad, and it's normal that with all this stress that you are not head over heels in love now. And I can imagine your husband being uncertain about the second child. It's a lot of responsibility.

[carhill]

Just for clarity, the OP, in addition to being a SAHM, is self-employed and is taking college courses.

[Alma Mobley]

Not to be too glib -- but you got married too young and too quickly. Your problems are probably pretty deep-rooted. I would suggest seeing a professional-- as in, couples or marriage counselor.

 

Best of luck...

[Walk]

I would start to get depressed and try to talk to him about the way I was feeling and he would brush me off. Say that everything that I was feeling was all in my head. I think "stop being so sensitive" was one of his sayings. I actually started to think I was "Crazy". That my feelings were insignificant.

 

I don't think you're psycho or have a mental illness. You seem extremely rational and sane in my opinion. Not to mention, any woman who can raise 2 kids, continue to work from home, AND go to school. Gesh, I'd be ripping my hair out if I were you. You have my admiration.

 

I agree with Carhill's suggestions. He's a man who's gone through some extremely difficult issues in his marriage, and come out much wiser for it.

 

I really hope your H pulls his head out of his ass soon and starts treating you far better then he has.

[carhill]

Oh, yeah, forgot about tele-commuting....I always think of folks who work at home to be self-employed, because I am

 

IMO, OP, you're at a crossroads. You're young, have a lot of responsibility and have identified some serious issues in your M and they're affecting your personal mental and emotional, not to mention physical health. You have an opportunity here, a really good one, to effect positive change (and that doesn't necessarily mean D). IMO, consider your options, set an internal timeline and then act. Don't "wait". Take it one step at a time and have a plan. We'll be here for support

[RjandOlivia2522]

First Let me start off by thanking everyone for their advice and support. I have come to find out that you need an outside source to help you see the truth in some situations. It has been my experience that when you confide in friends and family they tend to have a biased opinion. It is quite apparent to me that I have a lot of thinking to do. I miss being happy. At this point I am determined to be happy again. With or withour my husband. I am going to work on my marriage, but first I am going to work on the lack of communication with my husband. Without communication there can not be a relationship. I need to get us both on the same page.

 

 

Thanks again!

 

I'll keep everyone posted.

[lkjh]

Please see a MC. Don't just throw in the towel because right now you are in a stressful period. Your friends and family are giving advice that will work out in the long run. You do get a lot of good advice here but remember most of the people came to LS because they were in damaged relationships; so they may be bias towards breaking up. If the two of you can communicate it will get a lot better especially once some of the stress is lowered.

[65tr6]

op, you sound a bit like my wife after our first child except she ended up having an affair ! You are very young and you are able to see the issues affecting your marital life and recongnizing them. I commend you for that. But PLEASE do not take the easy way out. COMMUNICATE big time with your husband. There are plenty of great books out there. Fighting for your Marriage, 5 languages of Love etc.

 

You need to first to sit down and talk to your husband. I mean everyday. You will be amazed how much difference that makes. Dont give in and take the easy way out...you said you are a smart person, take this as a challenge and give it your best shot to save your marriage. More than likely you will come out much stronger.

 

Talking to friends is ok but i would be very careful in letting them know, ahead of time, that you are not looking for any advice. I dont think anyone can unless they went through something like this themselves. You both know each other more than anyone else. Have that confidence and start the conversation. Good luck !

[Wicked Smile]

I don't know why he turnes me off. He will consistantly try to be intimate with me. It drives me nuts! Working from home and taking care of the children, the house, doing laundry, walking the dog, etc is hard work. Especially since I am a little bit of a perfectionist. When he is around I feel like I my responsibilities become greater. It is almost as if I have a third child. When he gets home he leaves all of his belongings everywhere. I am constantly running around picking up after him. I have had many conversations with him about this and it NEVER goes anywhere. I am tired of being the maide. As for marriage counseling been there done that. Three months after we were married we were in counseling. Lets just say he was letting his mother put her opinion in where it doesn't belong and things got intense. And lets not forget about him not being too thrilled about me being pregnant with our second child, when he was the one that said we should start trying again. I think that hurt me the most. We have had some really hard struggles in our relationship. It drives me out of my mind when he caters to his Ex. She is the lowest of the low. I am not just saying that because she is his ex and I don't like her. I am saying this because she is selfish. She cares more about her boyfriend and where she is going to party tonight then her child. And there I am picking up the slack. My husband doesn't do anything about it. In fact for the first year of our relationship she was trying to get back together with him. Posting blogs about me on how I was a whore and homewrecker, and I was having a bastard child. My husband actually appologized to her. Saying hes sorry that he never ment to hurt her. He didn't defend me at all. To this day he still won't defend me when I am being attacked or snubbed (by his Ex or his mom).

 

I constantly try and do the right thing. I always just try and think about my kids. I know that they deserve the best. A happy family with a mom and a dad. I would like to think of myself as a smart woman. I have a good job that makes me able to be home with my children. I also attend college part time to finish my degree. I am trying to be the best that I can be, so that if something does happen to our marriage I will be able to support me and my kids. My children are the most important things in my life. I always considered my husband to be to. I'm not so sure anymore. It this because I am holding a grudge? I don't know what to so anymore.

 

 

You answered your own question in this response. It appears there are a few things that could be the issue. First, A woman who has to do all the small stuff on a daily basis..knows it adds up quite fast. Stresses you out. And there's no real pay off since it goes unappreciated most of the time. What you need is for your hubby to learn ths fast - Chip in!! Help you with the day to days. Even if he's had a hard day, it's going to be compounded when you are stressed out and feeling detached from him. It probably has gotten to the point where you don't have time to even be attracted to him anymore because this annoys you so much. If he starts helping out, reduces your stress and shows you he cares then it make HUGE strides in your situation.

 

Second, you feel like he isn't on your side. This is compounded by the stress I mentioned above. Although I understand why he commented and apologized to her, I can also see where you are coming from. He shouldn't have to be mean or choose. There is no choice. You have him. Maybe focussing less on the whole "me or (insert name here)" thing you should reconnect with him. Try and get him to spend time helping you which frees up "us" time. And during the "us" time may I suggest a few hot oil massages and candle light...with kids in bed? No sex. At least for the first few. You guys have to tease each other. Really get each other going. Then maybe you will be REJOICING for him to give you release.