Platonic Friend problem

[Lost and Depressed]

Hi all

 

I`m a 17 year old boy who is friends with a girl back in 1998. I also adore her very much because she is a cute and caring and friendly person. We talk as best friends and do chat to each other on the phone. I like her very much. But she doesn`t know it. Only when we went to the same polytechnic but different courses, she started having a boyfriend. She said so herself. I`m truly upset about this. What do I do? Should I stop becoming friends with her or do I confess my feelings for her? I called her before and pretend to act that I`ll never be friends with her anymore because of her new bf but she said that she still wants to be my friend and she even says that she is glad to have me as a friend.

 

Any help is appreciated....

 

Thanks

 

Lost and Depressed

[Desperado]

Hi,

 

Maybe my advice is wrong but do take it with a pinch of salt. If u really apperciate this friendship, continue being her friend....do not tell her your feelings now becos she's with someone and you are not being fair to her. However you'll probably be the first guy friend of hers to know any problems she's going thru with her b/f and by listening and giving your concern, slowly reveal ur feelings. If it's mutual......u'll know it too....

 

but for now....do not have high hopes....go keep ur eyes open for other girls...plenty more......in Poly.....u feel hurt yes....but remember...u'll feel even worse if ur feelings are unreturned....trust me on that.....so take the hurt now and try and move on while keepin' her as a friend.

 

all the best

[Tony T]

Your question is classic. I'll do the best I can to answer.

 

Very early on, when a girl meets a guy, in her mind she has compartments. If she likes the guy but he makes no romantic overtures, in order to save her feelings she puts the guy into the platonic friendship compartment of her mind. Once there, it is REALLY hard to get out and move to the romance compartment. Other compartments are: potential romantic; potential friend; potential acquaintance; potential someone I can use to help me get ahead, study, etc.; potential activity partner...for running, going to the gym, etc. The potentials can move fairly easily if all the stuff is there.

 

Sometimes, platonic friendships evolve into romance but the chemistry has to develop and all the ingredients have to be there. In your case, you didn't speak up and she found a guy who made romantic overtures. She is very young and has a lot of growing to do. But she sounds like a very lovely lady who thinks a great deal of you and greatly values your friendship. That can be a treasure. But it can also be hell if you have special feelings for her and she is telling you all about what she and her boyfriend have been up to. Avoid that subject at all cost. If you talk about her romantic adventures, you will sink ever deeper and irretrievably into the platonic friend compartment.

 

You missed the window of opportunity to be her boyfriend by being too much of a buddy. So, if you really must have this lady, don't say a word right now. Just sit tight and wait. Be her friend but don't be her close friend. Just stay friendly enough with her to keep up with what she is doing.

 

Sooner or later she'll start losing interest in this new boyfriend. When you learn that, DO NOT tell her how you feel. Just say something like...well, if anything happens between you and your guy, I would be very interested in dating you. Just leave it at that and say no more. Then pay close attention to her behavior and when you feel the time is right, ask her out and MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS IT IS A DATE.

 

Ladies cannot date guys they consider brothers or platonic friends. You have got to work to get out of that platonic friend compartment in her mind.

 

As far as telling her your feelings at this time, it is likely to really piss her off. Your timing would be absolutely awful and you would simply be in the way of another relationship she wants to pursue. It could really hurt the friendship.

 

I think if you are patient, see other ladies, don't obsess about this girl, she can come around. Meantime, I hope you have learned your lesson about being a girl's buddy when you really want to be her boyfriend. It just doesn't work that way.

[Desperado]

Hi Tony,

 

Don't you think thst all this boils down to physical looks?

 

If you are good looking, the person will probably immediately put you in the potential b/f g/f zone.....this is so sad when every body says that beauty is only skin deep.

 

Only all the ugly people have all the platonic friends.....

[Tony T]

Actually, looks play an important part in attraction...but in different ways for different people.

 

Some really great and beautiful women with depth prefer men who aren't out of GQ Magazine because their experience with those has been that they are stuck on themselves, shallow and difficult.

 

Other very beautiful women are extremely unsure of themselves, insecure, not comfortable with their physical beauty and go for rather average looking men because they expect those men will stick around longer.

 

Other lovely ladies, who have constant need to be worshiped and to have their beauty constantly recognized, go for average looking men who are truly grateful to be in their presence and ever so happy to pay for that priviledge with constant compliments.

 

There are quite a few very beautiful women who look well past looks to personal qualities of intelligence, compassion, understanding, selflessness, family orientation, etc. for their ideal man.

 

Many gorgeous ladies look for a guy who is just like dear old dad. If dad was a redneck truck driver, that's the type of man they are attracted to.

 

At parties and social gathers, beautiful women are complimented by men who have the guts to walk up to them and show an interest. They are human and often proudly bask in the interest a man shows, regardless of his looks as long as he is clean and well groomed.

 

More than just a few beauties gravitate to men who are powerful in business, who have influence in the community, or have fat bank accounts. This is because of something in their upbringing that made them insecure. Having a man of power or wealth fills a great need...while a great looking guy does not. That is, unless the guy is at once very attractive, powerful and wealthy.

 

There are textbook cases where drop-dead beautiful women who had great difficulties and bad relationships with their

 

fathers pick men who their fathers would hate in order to get back at them. That seems often to be the motivation in bi-racial relationships.

 

Statistically, the greater number of women seem to pick men who are similar in physical features and attractiveness. This is a basic biological feature of natural selection and has more to do with instinctual reproductive biology than romance.

 

I know you didn't ask for a textbook here so now, to your question. A lady will put you into whatever compartment she decides based on her personal ideal of a man, her immediate needs at the time, certain aspects of the man that may trigger things in her brain based on experiences, her notion of what is attractive, the type of first impression, how comfortable the man makes her feel, etc. There is really no predictor.

 

One thing is for sure. If there is no clear message the man is interested in her romantically, he's bound to be relegated to friend, acquaintance or less unless he somehow communicates a specific intention.

 

Now I bet you're sorry you asked the question!!!

[Lost and Depressed]

Hi Desperado

 

Maybe u are right about me still being friends with her. But I feel kinda pissed off everytime I see her mingling with her bf e.g. hug, touch body.... While they were doing that, I interrupted them and she still says "HI!!" to me in a friendly way. I was surprised that she was not mad. I even got the guts to intro myself to her bf and shook his hand. Have I gone mad? Maybe I`m not going to her school anymore. I just couldn`t bear them doing all the love stuff.. It makes me terribly upset. God, only if she knows how I feel about her..

 

L.A.D.

Hi, Maybe my advice is wrong but do take it with a pinch of salt. If u really apperciate this friendship, continue being her friend....do not tell her your feelings now becos she's with someone and you are not being fair to her. However you'll probably be the first guy friend of hers to know any problems she's going thru with her b/f and by listening and giving your concern, slowly reveal ur feelings. If it's mutual......u'll know it too.... but for now....do not have high hopes....go keep ur eyes open for other girls...plenty more......in Poly.....u feel hurt yes....but remember...u'll feel even worse if ur feelings are unreturned....trust me on that.....so take the hurt now and try and move on while keepin' her as a friend. all the best

[Lost and Depressed]

Hi Tony

 

Maybe u are right about me still being friends with her. Back then, I did not dare say " I like you" to her. She might call me a pervert and slap me. But I think you are right about me meeting other girls as well and try to build a relationship. Only then, will the love side of me be vanished which means I only like my friend as a friend and not as a gf. I enjoy being her friend.....

 

L.A.D.

Your question is classic. I'll do the best I can to answer. Very early on, when a girl meets a guy, in her mind she has compartments. If she likes the guy but he makes no romantic overtures, in order to save her feelings she puts the guy into the platonic friendship compartment of her mind. Once there, it is REALLY hard to get out and move to the romance compartment. Other compartments are: potential romantic; potential friend; potential acquaintance; potential someone I can use to help me get ahead, study, etc.; potential activity partner...for running, going to the gym, etc. The potentials can move fairly easily if all the stuff is there. Sometimes, platonic friendships evolve into romance but the chemistry has to develop and all the ingredients have to be there. In your case, you didn't speak up and she found a guy who made romantic overtures. She is very young and has a lot of growing to do. But she sounds like a very lovely lady who thinks a great deal of you and greatly values your friendship. That can be a treasure. But it can also be hell if you have special feelings for her and she is telling you all about what she and her boyfriend have been up to. Avoid that subject at all cost. If you talk about her romantic adventures, you will sink ever deeper and irretrievably into the platonic friend compartment. You missed the window of opportunity to be her boyfriend by being too much of a buddy. So, if you really must have this lady, don't say a word right now. Just sit tight and wait. Be her friend but don't be her close friend. Just stay friendly enough with her to keep up with what she is doing. Sooner or later she'll start losing interest in this new boyfriend. When you learn that, DO NOT tell her how you feel. Just say something like...well, if anything happens between you and your guy, I would be very interested in dating you. Just leave it at that and say no more. Then pay close attention to her behavior and when you feel the time is right, ask her out and MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS IT IS A DATE. Ladies cannot date guys they consider brothers or platonic friends. You have got to work to get out of that platonic friend compartment in her mind. As far as telling her your feelings at this time, it is likely to really piss her off. Your timing would be absolutely awful and you would simply be in the way of another relationship she wants to pursue. It could really hurt the friendship.

 

I think if you are patient, see other ladies, don't obsess about this girl, she can come around. Meantime, I hope you have learned your lesson about being a girl's buddy when you really want to be her boyfriend. It just doesn't work that way.