xela Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi Duncan32 - not much to add except that I'm in a similar situation myself - it's very, very common, and it's made all the worse by: 1) the perception that everyone's getting heaps and heaps of sex 2) the fact that it's almost impossible to talk to anyone you know about it If you check my own posts you'll see where I'm at - and I have found LS very helpful even just by giving me a sense that I'm not alone in my frustration - and even just knowing that makes me feel a bit less frustrated. Good luck with things - other posters have already given you plenty of possible actions to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Duncan, just to add to Xela comment here, go to the sexual health department. There is a post there looking for sexual stats on who does what -I think under poster "Scotties" name. Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Your wife is selfish. You are not denying her. She is denying you. You have basically told her you are miserable. and her response is "so what" Are you absolutely sure she is not cheating? Women will often reduce or stop having sex with their husbands out of loyalty to the one they are cheating with. You can read on this site and others, how this happens over and over again. If she loves sex as much as you say, you really need to think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Was the reduction in sex related to anything you can remember. A date. Running into an old friend of her (male or female). Has she been hiding any communications, either on phone or computer. Do you have access to her e-mail accounts? Link to post Share on other sites
Holding-On Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Duncan, I feel for you. I know I frustrate my husband too as he has a much higher sex drive than me. Our situation is a little different (open marriage) but I imagine he would feel your pain. Random thoughts: Do you think that you would be able to make an appointment with a marriage counsellor instead of a date night? Because maybe she needs to hear it from someone else. She seems to be muting out your pain. Are your kids really touchy feely? Is she touched out at the end of the day? My kids at one stage were clingy child#1 and suckling constantly child #2. I did not want ANYONE to touch me at the end of the day. (in fact I wanted to take a magic portal to the nearest deserted island!) Another option for childcare/hanging out together is to join a gym with childcare and take classes together. This gets you out hanging out with each other, increases her aerobic activity (and helps with sex drive) and keeps you both in shape. When my husband and I do these "mini dates" a few times a week it really helps our relationship. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 I'm in the same boat... obviously, you are not meeting her needs, emotionally. Yeah, I know, I was told this myself many times. We discussed it, I expressed my frustration, she still did nothing about it. Now she says that she associates it to something negative. Obviously, because of my pressure and the pressure she felt in herself. There must be a reason why she doesn't want you physically. She's probably gone off you, but for some women it's better to do nothing and then there are the kids. Remember, she will do whatever she can to string you along with the minimum effort. I finally had enough and moved into my office... well, tonight is the first night. She doesn't know yet... :-) We have temporarly separated. To be honest, I'm quite sad, because I love her very much and she is my ideal woman, with whom I have 4 children, but I feel liberated at the same time. The depression was just too much... good luck, mate. I feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 I told her that I would never leave her, and that if it came to it I would just accept being unhappy to stay with her and my family, even though I wasn't happy about that. I don't think that what you've told her clues her in to the depth of the problem. I'd tell her something like: "Honey, I love you very much and that makes me even more unhappy over our lack of physical intimacy. Because it's an expression of my feelings for you, I feel less than whole when we go weeks without it. I'm willing to do anything it takes to make our marriage better, but I can't do it alone. I don't want to spend the rest of my life unhappy and dissatisfied and, even more important to me, feeling that you feel the same way. We need to do something now." There has to be the implication that you're not going to live the rest of your life like this... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 I like what Mr Lucky says. Also, be harsher and firmer. "I married because I loved you. I married you and vowed to be faithful to you. And you also vowed to remain faithful to me. When you refuse to have sexual intimacy with me, then you have decided to withhold from me, and this is another form of infidelity. Unless I have done something which caused you to lose the desire, then your decision to force me into celibacy is just one step different than if I withheld my sexual intimacy and gave it to another." (And yes, I know I will get some flaming for that last statement, but it is true. ) "I did not get married to become celibate." Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Good post James, I agree that's the way to go. She knows you want more sex, but she also knows through years of experience that you're not going to do anything about it but whinge passively - she can handle that. You have to do something real to shock her psyche. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Unless I have done something which caused you to lose the desire, then your decision to force me into celibacy is just one step different than if I withheld my sexual intimacy and gave it to another. I couldn't agree more. Whether a spouse systematically witholds intimacy or gives it to another, the net effect to their partner is the same - they go without. I think Duncan, that much of the feedback you're getting is clear on one point - let your voice be heard. What's the worst that can happen? She'll get mad and not want to have sex with you ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
hotgoods23 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Duncan, My heart goes out to you. I too have fallen into the same boat as many others on this site. How frustating it is to live and share all the comforts of life but without the intimacy. My story started off very hot and passionate for the first year as I was dating my significant other. Now I am faced with a marrige that is deteriorating in the bedroom. I am hurt, deprived and can not find anyone to confide too. I have been married going on 5 years now and I am exhuasted. Excuse after excuse from my wife not finding the joy in intimacy leads me to start starring at other women when she is not around. I ponder to myself how it would be to have that spark ignited again, the thrill of knowing someone is into me and into me physically too. I always shrug it off for she is a good step-mother to my son and for that I always sacrifice my own needs. For my son, for all he knows is that he doesn't feel like he has come from a broken family even though I share joint custody of him. I have tried talking with my wife, I help out around the house, I often tell her how much I love her and everyday before work I would give her a kiss on the cheek while she is asleep in bed. I started sleeping on the couch because I am starting to despise her and that it feels to me that she could care less about our sex life. When she ask why I sleep on the couch I tell her that I am suffering back problems from the bed, of course its a lie, just like the lie i lived with everyday I am constantly battling myself for an answer. I dont mean to steal your thread DUNCAN, but I thought maybe if you read mine in detail you will see you are not alone. In my opinion I trully believe that husbands and wives decide to cheat when they are suffering from neglect, their low self-esteem forces them to look for an alternative pick me up. I am not saying that cheating is an option but women and men are two different creatures. The true solution to your problem is not going to be a happy one, from reading suggestions and the last post of her caring less about your needs and ignoring it is going to push you on the brink of infidelity self destruction. Marrige counseling is humiliating and I dont know anyone I have met who is up to telling a total starnger about why there wife is no longer crazy about the intimacy in their bedroom. Duncan I know you are trying and it is not fair, I will not suggest any advice for you, though we share the same problem we will face different outcomes, ONE does not understand all that is placed in Jeopardy, career, money, especially and most importantly the kids, and the lost of an unwilling, selfish and careless individual that could not take into consideration the stride you are investing in. I am sorry for your troubles and I could only hope that she would come out of this coma like sexual depression for it is tearing your marrige apart, life can not be lived walking in a state of denial, and internet porn with a tube of lotion is not the answer, masterbation is a quick fix- but your problems will still be there, the next day and the next day and so on . Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 When she ask why I sleep on the couch I tell her that I am suffering back problems from the bed, of course its a lie, just like the lie i lived with everyday I am constantly battling myself for an answer. You're as guilty in this instance as she is. Sex is one form of intimacy, communication another. How does hiding the problem contribute to a solution? Marrige counseling is humiliating and I dont know anyone I have met who is up to telling a total starnger about why there wife is no longer crazy about the intimacy in their bedroom. Counseling is a structured environment in which couples can deal with difficult issues. Sounds like you've tried the "wishing and hoping" approach to addressing your lack of sex for 5 years - how's that working ??? Time to try something else... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author duncan32 Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Just wanted to pop on again to let people know (who have taken the time and trouble to post on this thread) that I have read it all and am very appreciative of the words and advice. I will post an update to my situation soon, as things are reaching a head, I believe. Thanks. Duncan Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Hey, I can tell you when I got married I didn't feel sexy and due to that we had sex only once a month. Very happy with the marriage lots of caring and sharing we eventually talked about it and thigs started to heat up. Now granted we don't have kids but we are 9 years in and both 40 and we have sex atleast every other day. So there is hope. Link to post Share on other sites
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