Michael426 Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 A couple of years ago I met up with a woman who had been a good friend 30+ years ago, and we spent a good deal of time together. She was kind of flirtatious, and maybe I mis-read it, because suddenly she shut me down. In our final communication I said some things I regret, and we haven't had contact since. ... Not that we don't see each other, in fact whenever we run into each other she goes out of her way to ignore me. (Examples are available upon request.) I expect that I am never going to get her to change. But my problem is that I am obsessed with thoughts about her. Constantly. (!) ... And on those times when I do see her, I am very aware of her presence, but I don't do anything for fear of saying something insensitive or stupid AGAIN! But I am consumed with her and I want to empty my brain of her - and it just won't happen! (FYI- In case it matters, at the original time two years ago she was married, I was single. She is now in the midst of a separation.) Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Why not write to her and tell her the last time you were in touch with her, you weren't feeling quite yourself? See if she'd like to wipe the slate clean and meet up for a drink? You know you were horrendous, but it was a temporary glitch.... I dunno... Maybe.....? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 The best counsel that I received, when I was stuck in a cycle of obsessive thoughts, was that I am the only one who can change the situation. So, every time I caught myself with an unwanted thought, I replaced it with, "This thought is non-productive" or "not helpful" or "not what I want to be focusing on." And then added, "I am stopping (or eliminating) this thought." At the beginning it isn't all that easy, and it feels plain weird. But one does start to develop higher awareness of what is running through one's mind, and can become proficient at managing it. As far as retraining your thoughts, it doesn't matter what is her (or your) marital status. If it is that you're also entertaining romantic notions, the recent 'cold war' between you just doesn't allow a smooth way to go from that to, "So, I hear you're getting divorced...how about we go on a date?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael426 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Geishawelk: That I have done. And it did no apparent good. I wrote that very sentiment about a month ago. Then last night we happened upon each other at a function at our old high school. She walked right around me to greet some other people, and a bit later when I was talking to an old friend, she stood off to the side as if waiting for me to leave so she could greet the friend without having to engage me in the conversation as well. (I was kind of hoping she would say to me that she at least got the letter, lets talk this out at a more opportune time - or at least shove me aside and say for me to leave her alone.) ===== Ronni: Sounds so simple in theory. I will give it a try. There is a lot of "higher awareness" dialogue going on inside my head these days. This is just so all-consuming that it is affecting every other aspect of my life (all of which are on their own downward spirals for other reasons, and I can't make myself deal with them). To use an airplane analogy, since everything is on a downward spiral, why not just take my hands off the controls and let it crash and burn anyway?! (Maybe things are more messed up than I realized!) Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 why not just take my hands off the controls and let it crash and burn anyway?! Er...Cos we ain't no quitters, dammit??? When I first heard of that 'technique', it didn't sound simple, to be honest...it just sounded really stupid. But I'd already been stuck in my obsession for, er, a REALLY long time, so at that point I had nothing left to lose -- all other aspects of my life had already crashed and burned. Well, to within a good 80% of obliteration, at any rate. It was an ugly mess, to be sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael426 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Er...Cos we ain't no quitters, dammit??? Maybe I am:( Link to post Share on other sites
vintagecat Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Burning bridges and saying/doing things that you are sure to regret is almost always counterproductive, almost never forgiven and certainly not forgotten as you have learned. I agree with Ronnie. There is no way to have another chance with this woman. At least for me if a man became angry with me and behaved badly because I was honoring the integrity of my marriage vows or because I didn't want to pursue a relationship with him, I would certainly go out of my way to avoid/ignore him after I was single considering it a big bullet dodged. As for forgetting her, Ronnie's suggestion works if applied with diligence. If you want to close this out and it wouldn't cause more harm to her you may (with no expectations) profusely apologize for your past behavior toward her in a note and mean it. If in any way a note from you may be construed as an attempt at contact or an attempt at re-initiating a relationship by you on her part, then let it go, eat the crow that you've been served and learn the lesson this encounter has afforded. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Cos we ain't no quitters, dammit??? Maybe I am Well, okay then. But. Can I come to the 'crash and burn' party...pretty please with cherries and whipped cream??? Cos I do so love a good fireworks display! Link to post Share on other sites
vintagecat Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Never mind with the letter. I read after posting that you already attempted second contact/apology. You are done. Anymore attempts would be close to harassment on your part. Her comportment gives you all the answers that you need. Move on. The book is closed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael426 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 I see what you're doing. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael426 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 I guess you're right, vintagecat. Maybe 'tis best to act like she never existed. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 , Ronnie's suggestion works if applied with diligence. Nah, I wasn't "diligent" about it at all, actually. Just extremely, stubbornly determined (desperate!) to get out of what felt like a 'black hole' at that time -- if someone had told me I had to be "diligent", I would also have heard 'self-disciplined'...and most everything else was pointing to the "fact" that I didn't have any of that (so) I wouldn't even have attempted it. Or maybe "desperation" works just as well as "diligence" to achieve goals? Hitting rock bottom and all that? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Hey Ronnie, that's a great methodology, you put your tendency for obsessive thought, towards negating obsessive thought! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael426 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 I think I'll go back and resume crying for another couple of years. (It only fits.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michael426 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Nah, I wasn't "diligent" about it at all, actually. Just extremely, stubbornly determined (desperate!) to get out of what felt like a 'black hole' at that time I prefer my black hole to get darker and deeper so no one can find me in it. If no one finds me, no one can hurt me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I prefer my black hole to get darker and deeper so no one can find me in it. If no one finds me, no one can hurt me anymore. Well, yeah. That could work, I guess. Except for that pesky book title...something about "wherever you go, there you are" -- that's the crappy part about trying to get comfy in the deep, dark, blackness. TBF, Hhmmm...now that you mention it Link to post Share on other sites
huggies Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Whoa, that's something! Get out of your way and tell her how you feel! I'm sure that'll change something in her. Link to post Share on other sites
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