I am jealous of my boyfriend spending time with his friend.

[Haruka]

I know this is going to sound petty, but I am jealous of the time my boyfriend spends with his friend.

 

My boyfriend and I have known each other for three and half years. He has known his friend a lot longer then he has known me. I am glad he has a friend he can spend time and do guy stuff with, however I just don't like it that he doesn't tell me that he is going to spend time with his friend Jim.

 

I guess it's cause in previous times that Arthur (my boyfriend) has gone off with Jim, he hasn't told me. I recall once that I invited Arthur over for dinner and he said he was to "sick" to drive ten minutes into town, I even offered to pick him up and drop him off. However two days later I call up and his father tells me that Arthur was at the bar with Jim.

 

Jim lives in the city and so he travels via train to come to our country town. The nearest train station is an hour and 15 minutes away. You can imagine the anger I felt knowing that "sick" Arthur had to travel to and back to the train station to pick up Jim.

 

I confronted Arthur and he was all "I don't see him that often, blah blah blah."

 

After that I didnt hear much of Jim and I was secretly pleased that he went overseas for almost a year so it gave me more time to spend with my boyfriend.

 

My boyfriend now lives in the city, due to circumstances and now returns home on weekends. Which we spend our time together.

The weekend before it was perfect, we laid and watch tv together, went out for dinner and made love most of the evening.

 

However on Thursday, I was waiting for his usual call, as Thursday is tradition to call. I waited and waited until I found out that he went to play poker at the city casino. On the Friday I called him to ask if he was coming around and he gave a half hearted "I don't know".

 

On Saturday I waited and waited for him to call or to come over. So I called his mother up who told me in a surprise voice "Didn't Arthur tell you?

Jim called on Thursday afternoon. Jim's been away for awhile he was overseas. Arthur said he wasn't coming up, because he was going to catch up with Jim. I thought he told you on Friday."

 

I got a bit upset but I replyed "Oh he did say something along the lines." Even though he didn't tell me anything about Jim being back.

 

How do I get over this petty feeling? I know that Jim is Arthur's only friend but I feel that when ever Jim is around Arthur drops me for Jim or Arthur become secretive about what he is doing with Jim.

 

I know he wouldn't cheat on me, because he doesn't have sex with anyone else until the relationship is over.

 

I just wish Arthur was real with me when it concerns Jim. When ever Jim is in the picture Arthur does a 180 on me.

[Ayemtee]

I have a similar situation with my GF. Of course I always tell her when I'm going to see my friend, and where we'll be, but she get so damn pissy over it. She said when I'm with him it makes her feel like she's second place to my friend in terms of my priorities. That could be the cause of why you feel like that. Honestly he probably hides it because he knows if he tells you he'll have to answer to an array of questons and duck and dodge out of being harassed for wanting to see his friend instead of his GF. Relax, there's nothing you should be worried about. Would you prefer him around you 24/7? He's just spending time with his friend, if anything let him know that you won't get angry whenever he wants to see Jim, but for him just to let you know. See how that goes for you.

[Haruka]

Hey Aym,

 

I don't ask questions on what he does with Jim, it's between them what they get up to. It's just the whole way Arthur presents the situation.

 

As I said I wasn't happy that he declined my invitation to dinner, when within the time period he goes off to pick up Jim and hit the bar.

 

I felt that he wasn't real with me. Especially when he doesn't tell me that Jim called etc.

 

I don't want to spend 24/7 with him. I like to go out and enjoy myself. It's just the whole personality thing that pisses me off.

[Ayemtee]

Does he know you feel this way? Have you talked to him about it? Expressed your anger when he got home from seeing his friend?

[Haruka]

Yes he knows to a point. Especially that time when I found out his "sickness" wasn't real lol.

 

It's just something I'm not happy with.

[Ronni_W]

I am glad he has a friend he can spend time and do guy stuff with, however I just don't like it that he doesn't tell me that he is going to spend time with

You're saying there that you are upset because your b/f acts inconsiderately towards you -- that he sometimes does not give you pertinent details about his schedule and/or activities.

 

If you b/f is aware that you like to be told about his goings-on, then he ought to be making the effort. To me, it has nothing to do with Jim (or if b/f is going to the gym, for that matter), it's that you prefer to know what is going on. Which is fair enough for you to have that preference.

 

I get that it might be happening mostly with Jim, but that still isn't the problem -- it's that your b/f isn't acknowledging that you've stated a desire, and isn't doing his part in helping you meet that desire.

 

I'd suggest that you have a nice, relaxed chat with him from this angle, instead of making it about Jim (or any other person or activity.) Cos, as you've identified, it's about your boyfriend's behaviour/attitude towards you.

Something like, "I feel hurt (ignored, disrespected, out of the loop) when you take off (go missing) and I'm left to guess at what plans you may have that I'm supposed to be ready for" (or whatever is the exact cause of your upset -- you don't know if you should make plans with your own friends, you start to worry about his physical safety, etc.)

[Ayemtee]

I mean, have you actually came out and told him? I hope you're not expecting him to pick up off of body language.

[Haruka]

That's what I would like to do. It really did hurt me that he kept the infomation to himself. I could have been doing something else with one of my friends if I had known in advance.

[Ayemtee]

Ronni's suggestion is perfect. Have a calm and relaxed talk with him. Talking can do no harm.

[Haruka]

No it can't harm at all. It's something I'm going to be doing within the next few days.

[Trialbyfire]

I guess it's cause in previous times that Arthur (my boyfriend) has gone off with Jim, he hasn't told me. I recall once that I invited Arthur over for dinner and he said he was to "sick" to drive ten minutes into town, I even offered to pick him up and drop him off. However two days later I call up and his father tells me that Arthur was at the bar with Jim.

 

Haruka, people don't stay sick forever. It's okay to be really sick for one day.

 

Your b/f has only got one friend. It's not as if he's out and about at clubs/bars, once or twice a week with the boys, picking up or oggling women. Everyone needs down time with friends and in your b/fs case, his only friend who went away for a year.

 

You cannot control your b/f. The more you try, the more he's going to pull away. As you can see, it's already escalated to a degree. He's now avoiding telling you about it.

[Ronni_W]

I could have been doing something else with one of my friends if I had known in advance.

Er...how does he feel about you spending time on your own, with your friends? That may be something that he needs to let you know, as well.

 

In any case, if he continues to engage in this same behaviour, your "final solution" will be to just go ahead and make your own plans whenever he does go missing -- it will be on HIM that you both missed any chance of spending time together.

It wouldn't be about you threatening or trying to manipulate him by doing that, it is about you doing what you need to do to nurture your own self-esteem and self-respect, and to maintain your own all-around good feelings about your Self.