Flame84 Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Ok, I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible. My husband and I are planning to get separated right now. It is very painful even though I know it is best for both of us. No one cheated - we don't hate each other – we actually do love each other and we are separating for the sake of keeping our love…. There is this wall growing between us and we don’t know why and how to stop it... a lot of BS Small talks and a lot of fake hugs and smiles between us.from both of us. And we talk and are hurtfully honest and we can't just find the reason why. He takes me for granted and he knows it. But he also knows that im the best thing that ever happened to him and that he will never meet any one like me (his own words). And I know he is kind and loving but he has a problem showing it and he is weak and tend to face life problems and pressure with smoking Weed. and just running away from home.(he is 28 without a stable income and he has his family business with his brother trying to make it work and its not going so good so no real stability) and that puts a lot of pressure on him He says when he is away from me he can't wait to be with me. And when we get together after being away for a week or so he is so loving and all over me .sleeping in my arms every night. But it doesn't last more than a week…and he can't wait to run and be out of the house and with the boys I'm too loving and caring and not harsh on him at all. I feel bad for him and the stress and pressure he went through and kind of because of me and because we got married (I was 20 he was24) and he was couldn’t handle school and work so he dropped out of college and so did I. so we can work and be together .we loved each other so much but I guess the stress and not really being stable until now. Made that huge wall between us We stopped talking about the stress and the problems so we don’t add to each other and times go buy and we have two separate livees That we are not even enjoying or happy with We don’t go out together. (We don’t have much friend's cause we just moved to Fl). We don’t usually have lots of money to travel to take a vacation. We eat out just when we are driving home and hungry or w have to go somewhere after…. So we said separation to see if we really want to be together or we are just used to each other My Question is Dose separation always ends by a divorce.? ]I'm so scared we will end up leaving each other for good, and I think it will cloud my judgment to what's best for me. Knowing that he brings a lot of negative energy on me and hold me back. But im crazy about him and I know he needs me,Any one out there who got separated and went back together any advice how I should handle the separation Thanks in advance, Link to post Share on other sites
SmartWoman321 Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 well, for me, seperation IS leading to divorce. because I didn't msis him at all really, the year that we have been living apart- I am no more lonely now than I was when we lived together. That said, I am sure it doesn't ALWAYS lead to divorce.... the first thing you should agree to do together is marriage counseling. Call the local Family and Childrens services (or similar) and I bet you can find it free or at no cost. I can't imagine seperating or divorcing without trying MC first. Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 I can't imagine seperating or divorcing without trying MC first. Well I wish you had told that to my wife......she has no interest in trying to save 16 years together....... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 While you two are separated, why not do marriage counselling together. Whatever dynamtic that's been going on and how it has been affecting your marriage, can be fixed, as long as you both are willing and wanting to fix it. There seems to be alot of love left, so don't throw it away! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 H and I were separated three years, living in separate residences, and seeing other people and we still ended up not divorcing. We ended up moving back in together and starting over. Sometimes a marriage can't be fixed and needs to be put out of its misery. So we did that. Then we started something entirely new. It was necessary to restart rather than 'fix' because to be honest, neither one of us wants what we had before. Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 H and I were separated three years, living in separate residences, and seeing other people and we still ended up not divorcing. We ended up moving back in together and starting over. Sometimes a marriage can't be fixed and needs to be put out of its misery. So we did that. Then we started something entirely new. It was necessary to restart rather than 'fix' because to be honest, neither one of us wants what we had before. Wow.. that is great to hear... I have only been separated for 5 weeks now and my wife says she is done... I know in my heart that she is my soulmate and one day we will be together again... Thanks for giving me a little hope during these difficult times........ best wishes for continued success !! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 I agree with WWIU...marriage counseling. I'll also add...while seperation doesn't ALWAYS lead to divorce, it very RARELY leads to reconciliation...especially if you don't TAKE ACTION to fix things during the seperation. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 I agree with WWIU...marriage counseling. I'll also add...while seperation doesn't ALWAYS lead to divorce, it very RARELY leads to reconciliation...especially if you don't TAKE ACTION to fix things during the seperation. True, true. Separation will only lead to outasite, outamind. My wife never even wanted to try. She SAID she did, but shot me down at every attempt. If one doesn't want to, better make plans for a new kind of life. L-B is my inspiration now. Sometimes though when I've spoken to her , even after the divorce, I almost fool myself that there is a slight regret in her voice. Although, I'll never bring it up. But for now, her pride and stubborness rule the day. So this road is all mine. So, unless she will want to try, this is what you can expect. Good luck to you, my friend. Hopefully she'll change her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flame84 Posted December 2, 2008 Author Share Posted December 2, 2008 Thank You all For Your replys...I wish we find out wha is missing soon. Im Looking Into MC right now and hopfully they will help us found what is it that is cusing that wall between us..... we are thinking now and making arrangments for where and how we will live apart.we share one car to work. i dont know how will we do it. its so hard breaking us into two....but the WALL THE DAM WALL BETWEEN US THAT WE CANT FIND WHY IS IT THERE....im so sad. every day we talk about it or come home with an answere to the car issue or the living issue i want to cry.... every time we have dinner now i want to cry. i cant bare the idea of the rish that i will not be with him for the rest of my life,,,when i ask him how he feels he says sad and confused. Oh This is so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 Thank You all For Your replys...I wish we find out wha is missing soon. Im Looking Into MC right now and hopfully they will help us found what is it that is cusing that wall between us..... we are thinking now and making arrangments for where and how we will live apart.we share one car to work. i dont know how will we do it. its so hard breaking us into two....but the WALL THE DAM WALL BETWEEN US THAT WE CANT FIND WHY IS IT THERE....im so sad. every day we talk about it or come home with an answere to the car issue or the living issue i want to cry.... every time we have dinner now i want to cry. i cant bare the idea of the rish that i will not be with him for the rest of my life,,,when i ask him how he feels he says sad and confused. Oh This is so hard. Sorry to read about your situation... My heart goes out to you.. my wife and I have been separated for 5 weeks now and its the hardest thing I have ever gone through....there is not much hope left for my 16 year marriage but I hope for yours... Best wishes and make sure and take care of yourself during this time... it is emotionaly draining and physically draining so be good to your body... you are in my thoughts and prayers... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flame84 Posted December 2, 2008 Author Share Posted December 2, 2008 Sorry to read about your situation... My heart goes out to you.. my wife and I have been separated for 5 weeks now and its the hardest thing I have ever gone through....there is not much hope left for my 16 year marriage but I hope for yours... Best wishes and make sure and take care of yourself during this time... it is emotionaly draining and physically draining so be good to your body... you are in my thoughts and prayers... Thank you so much..none of my familly or friends know any thing about this yet. you guys here are the only ones i have ever talked to about this. i feel so alone. i never though ill feel this way when i met My H. i though ill always have him to be by my side. Oh God .Give me strenght. Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 Thank you so much..none of my familly or friends know any thing about this yet. you guys here are the only ones i have ever talked to about this. i feel so alone. i never though ill feel this way when i met My H. i though ill always have him to be by my side. Oh God .Give me strenght. I know what you mean.. I have been mourning the loss of my family, my wife and all my future plans and dreams....it is hard and You are not alone.. there are many of us in the same boat with you... Keep busy and keep coming back here.. I will offer words of encouragement to help us and you through this... Please dont feel like your alone... Its hard not to when you see the life you have known and grown so close with crashing down before your eyes... It will get better and it will get easier... I promise you that.. I feel so much better now than I did 3 weeks ago... I couldn't even make it 2 minutes without my emotions failing me.... hang in there... you will come out just fine.... best wishes....... Skin Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 Fix the problem. Go to the Marriagebuilders.com site and fill in their form concerning Emotional Needs. Continue to read the articles on that site. Your circumstances are sadly all too routine. The good news is that this site specializes in this problem. There ARE solutions. Come back and ask us questions. Meanwhile, hold out the separation until you learned a little more. OK? Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 Flame84,........... Um, I'd like to apologize for my post....... Obviously I lost track of my thoughts..... Wonder if this has something to do w/ my own issues in marriage...... Sorry about my misguided attempt at support. - DD. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flame84 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Share Posted December 3, 2008 Dont Worry. we all have ower pains to deal with. Just taking the time to type somthing means somthing., thanks alot. and wish my and your pain go away soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flame84 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Share Posted December 3, 2008 well we talked. he works in with his brother trying to build up a familly company. he said he feels so bad and stressed most of the time.... his work comes home with him and on his weekends and vecations and over the phone. i talk to his familly alot and we are close . \ he says the wall might be becasue every thing for him is one big problem. he said if we seprate ill be out of the familly work stress cycle. ill be his escape again like i used to be... problem is i feel for him and understand where he is coming from and that its too much for any one to take.... but what about me , do i stay on the side lines till his life gets where he wants it and then he can just call me in...... should i be the understanding wife and understand the stress he is going throught( his familly have casued stress for the last 4 years for him) and wish for a better tomorrow.while living apart.and kind of living two seprate lives. or should i think of myself and my happiness , think of all my years that is passing by waiting, i married him when i was 20 and now im 25 and still have that feeling in my stomach that i want to flirt , go out , have fun. kiss on the beach. travel.cook togeather..dance ,go clubbing... i havent really lived my life yet. met him so young . married my first love and first man... i was saving myself for my one true love and it was him...i though he will make up for all the times i waited..i dreamd of him doing things and taking me places. appreciating me.... and he wants too , its just his life is too dam complicated...older brother wild .who needs a constant watch or he will get in trouble and him feeling responsibel fo him,.and for comforting his parents and his other younger sisiter, keeping the pease in the familly... im talking too much... im just confused....love him or love myself ??????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flame84 Posted December 4, 2008 Author Share Posted December 4, 2008 MMMM Somthing Came up last night and i had to spend the money i was going to use to move out....now what!! i used it on somthing Important for him and his future...now what,,,, i cant move out and so is he... we dont talk normaly any more , its sooo formal since we decided we need to seprate.... last night wake up with a night mare and couldnt breath...he didnt even hug me.. he asked if i was ok and if i needed any thing to just wake him up....i was so sad . he didnt even think to hug me or take me in his arms and comfort me...i got up got some warm milk,and came back sat down and told him jokingly to get up pat on my sholder or somthing and he got up did that and turned aroud and slept......i cried myself to sleep... Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 I cried myself to sleep... So sorry Flame84, I do know what your going through... before my wife and I separated last month she was as cold as your husband.. There were many nights I lay in bed crying myself to sleep only to be wakened by a dream of her...It breaks our heart to think someone who was supposed to have loved you could be sold cold and heartless... I does get easier but being at home seeing them everyday and knowing how they feel makes it so much harder to take... Keep smiling when you can and know that folks on here care and wish you the best and are thinking of you.... I know my marriage is most likely over.. (her choice) but I do know one day I will be happy again and so will you...... you are in my thoughts and prayers... Skin Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 He takes me for granted and he knows it. But he also knows that im the best thing that ever happened to him and that he will never meet any one like me (his own words). He says when he is away from me he can't wait to be with me. And when we get together after being away for a week or so he is so loving and all over me .sleeping in my arms every night. But it doesn't last more than a week…and he can't wait to run and be out of the house and with the boys My Question is Dose separation always ends by a divorce.? ]I'm so scared we will end up leaving each other for good These words are what sticks out to me. Is there any possibility that even though he won't admit it, that he feels you are abandoning him? This may be why he has turned extra cold, when for example., you had your nightmare and he didn't do anything w/ you until you asked just to do what you asked, and go back to sleep? He may be in pain too, and the thought of the marriage ending, may have put himself to sleep w/ tears in his eyes as well. I think, that separation is very risky because the chance of real loss is very real. Although, it may take that to convince him to make you a priority in your life. If marriage counseling isn't an option, or if it's not helping, it may take this as a scare to make him realize how incredibly important you are to him. He may just be not showing the effect on him, or won't let you see. But while you separate, he won't change unless he is really, really afraid of losing you. My separation was very painful, and it did lead to divorce. But, I have learned that my actions are what lead to the initial separation, and months after, I had to adjust my attitude because I know what it cost me. Real change doesn't happen overnight, and people can change. But usually as a result of a jarring experience. The only reason my separation lead to divorce, was my wife got infatuated w/ someone else while I was out of the house, and then that lead to someone else being a priority over me. There's the danger you face. It may help to separate w/ the idea it's over, but it's very, very risky. I don't know the answers. But if you've explored every avenue of help first, then this may be what has to happen. I wasn't able to see any real need to institute change until I realized what it cost me. It could have been those circumstances that made me realize it was over, thus the change in attitude. But for me it's too late. Maybe not to late for you. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 Complaceny kills. I suffer from the same issues as you flame. My wife woke up with nightmares last night as well and I was tired but unsure of how to address her nightmares about my infidelity. I did my best to comfort her, but was it enough? You can control your expectations and desires, but your husband can not always meet your expectations and desires 100%. It sounds to me like when you are apart, you let go of all the little demands and expectations and just appreciate eachother. When you are together you let those expectations and demands get in the way of being in love. It's hard to address, because I'm still trying to figure out how we can be so in love when we are apart and so tired/stressed together. LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flame84 Posted December 6, 2008 Author Share Posted December 6, 2008 ok today is my first day out of the house. i just couldnt take it any more... all the coldness..sleeping next to each other and not bieng abel to hold him or ask him to hold me,....this is really too much...i couldnt take it.....he is like a complete stranger .he walk in and out and say hi bye.....i told him crying befor he go out that ill be leaving today. and he said what about work and the car and all that....i said this is hard enough for me to just leave then figer it out...he said to me not to take every thing and just pack for a cople of days and then we will see where it takes us,.he said think of it as a medecine....but i cant think like he is ....he is not sure any more and i can feel it...i took all my cloth and personal things...its all or nothing for me , either your sure or your not.....where is the wall coming from ,. why is he more confused than iam,.. i want to work on the wall see where it is coming from and destroy it...but i think its him,,,,he dosent talk any more to me about any thing that bothers him..and he says casue its all the same b.S. work is not too good and not enough money. any ways im at a friends house trying to sort out how my life would go. pray for me .i need strenght ,i feel so weak and alone. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 Right now your SO is confounded not only by the big picture of a crashing economy but also a wife that is pulling, to his mind, in a different direction. I think that if you sat and thought about his worries and put the relationship on hold for a bit while coming together to work through the financial hurdles he seems so anxious about you might have a chance of drawing him closer to you naturally without putting so much effort into connecting with his emotions about the relationship which, by the way, is probably a draining distraction at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flame84 Posted December 6, 2008 Author Share Posted December 6, 2008 Right now your SO is confounded not only by the big picture of a crashing economy but also a wife that is pulling, to his mind, in a different direction. I think that if you sat and thought about his worries and put the relationship on hold for a bit while coming together to work through the financial hurdles he seems so anxious about you might have a chance of drawing him closer to you naturally without putting so much effort into connecting with his emotions about the relationship which, by the way, is probably a draining distraction at the moment. Well you are right ...stress and economy is putting us all through alot. and i was bieng understanding to that..casue im in it too....i was in fact putting my emotions on hold and giving him the space he needs and not bugging him with any thing,..just light cheerful talk ....but he is the one who came out of the no where to tell me we are not connecting and he feels the wall growing ... and i tryied to explain to him that life stress might be it...and that we both have problems and we know our So have problems so we chosse not to add to each other and we stay quite....and i tried to explain that once we have a more stabel life. then every thing will be ok....and to just be cool and ride the storm..... he was worried that ever since we got married 4 years ago and we never had a real connection and he is worried that he is blaming every thing on the instability...he said if we are good and happy with each other is should be all the time no matter what is going on;...he should be happy to have me. but he dosent know why he isnt. he is the one who brought up getting seprated and telling me its a good idea,. i never wanted that... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 If the genders were reversed we'd be talking about a spouse "checking out" of the relationship. It seem this is what your husband has done. There is really nothing you can do about it at this time. You don't seem sure of the reasons he want's a "seperation". If I were you I'd try and find out what they are. The elephant in the room is the unspoken possibility that he's interested in somebody else, whether he's acted on it or not. The rest of it is a mess. Especially the current economic / political situation. When I was first married the economy was a shambles. Interest rates at 20+, inflation running away. Just as bad as today for generally the opposite reasons. The strain it put on the relationship was terriffic. I can't know for sure but I believe there is a chance that it was a poisen that tainted the next 20 years of my marriage. These are times with binding together, facing the problems in the world outside marriage is very important. That's much easier said than accomplished. Good Luck, keep posting people here care. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 I don't know if you are currently employed or not but one thing you might do to get more involved is to roll up your sleeves and "volunteer" your time at his brother's place of employment so that more gets done over there while at the same time using this close workplace proximity to keep an eye on your husband. Like Lake said, there's an elephant in the room and you may as well know where it is to get to the bottom of this! Link to post Share on other sites
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