Does separation always lead to divorce?

[Flame84]

I don't know if you are currently employed or not but one thing you might do to get more involved is to roll up your sleeves and "volunteer" your time at his brother's place of employment so that more gets done over there while at the same time using this close workplace proximity to keep an eye on your husband. Like Lake said, there's an elephant in the room and you may as well know where it is to get to the bottom of this!

 

Im Actully working to help with the bills. somthing steady .casue his work is comission based.

there is only 4 guys in the office ,,,my H.his brother and cousin and another friend of ours..married i know his wife very good too....

 

There is no Women involved at all...our email acounts are always open for one another....cell phones as well.

 

we had a little thing about talking to other women online.when we first met.. and he was just messing around with it..(he was young and all) so to avoid any Trust issues we have our every thing joined , even our Bank accounts...

 

and i do know where he is at all time...not casue i try to corner him ...but it just happens normally casue we are in a new town and we only know a handfull of ppl....and as i said befor he hang out with his cousin ALL THE TIME..smoke and play Xbox . and i let him go easily there casue he needs to distress and get away doing any thing ,so for me Xbos and his cousin is the safest thing...( they have a a nice basment and he is always comfrtabel there with the boys) his unti and his other cousin lives there as well. and they call me most of thwe time and we have a good relation ship, so i know he is there and not doing any thing wrong.....

 

thannks for all your support....it really help.....

[Tarantula]

Flame84,

Separation will show you both very well,if your relationship is worth saving ,and

you have no reasons to "bury yourself" beforehand now with regrets about what had not yet happened .

When love is there,separation makes it more passionate only,trust me.

 

Best of luck to you! Everything will be juzz da best!

[Flame84]

below is what my husband wrote me after bign seprated for almost two month, sorry i havent been keeping a post but i was killing myself at work to pass the time

[but now my brain is going to explode

god knowes how much i ADORE MY HUSBAND ive knon him for 7 years and he is my first and only love,

ive tried to be sooo understanding , leave him space ,get his friends over for dinners, make playstation competitions for them at home.ive tried making his life as good as i can, according to what he said liked. i admit maybe that was not a wise thing to do,. casue it seems that he took it all forgranted,but any ways i dont understand what is the diffrance between speical connection and love,. can some one pleasssssssssssssssse read what he said and explian to me.

No Special Connection:/

[This is the most important problem AMy. After 4 yrs of living together I still don’t feel a connection with you that makes me want to run home to you. I want to be in love with you like you are in love with me Amy. I want to be like that so so so bad. I want to find comfort in you like maybe you find in me. I want you to be my escape. You are perfect in so many things, but this is the most important thing that keeps couples together Amy. All these things I want so bad, but it’s not in my hands to feel this. It’s in your hands to make me feel this way. I feel like after 4 yrs of marriage I succeeded as a husband in an important way, and that was to make you happy to sit iwht me and spend time with me and love me like you do. You always said you have the **** end of the stick and I don’t believe that anymore, I feel u are the lucky one. To be in love is to be alive Amy. I know I fell short it many things with you Amy, like taking you out and making you feel like a priority and all the things u told me before, but the most important thing is. I have a special connection with you, at least that is what I feel. You want to sit with me b/c maybe you feel that I offer you something you cannot get from anybody else. Otherwise, why do you love me so much? Even though I don’t do the small things that you say would make you happy, I still succeeded in having you love me. That is the most important thing.

 

The more I think about it the more I understand why we keep going into these cycles. If you had your special way with me and your own special ingredient with me Amy, then everything else that you ask for would follow.

1) Taking you out

2) Wanting to sit at home with you with nobody else there

3) Opening up to you

4) Making you feel like u are my priority in life

5) Making you feel love

 

I don’t know Amy, when you want something you seem to just ask for it . And I don’t know if it will come that way with me. You telling me, ok Mitch i want to go to my parents house once a week, you can take me out once a week, you have to stay home with me once a week. Go out with ur friends 2 days a week, I just don’t think that’s th way it is done. There is something important missing here and I think its that special connection. I won’t say that special connection is a lack of love from my side, b/c if I didn’t have any love for you Amy then it would have been over such a long time ago. We have built a relationship in the past 4 yrs of living together, but there is just 1 ingredient missing. Your ingredient in the relationship Amy. Your magic touch, that’s whats missing. I feel that is what it is, b/c everything else that makes u unhappy from me, would come if you had that special ingredient and were able to bring me closer to you.

[signedin2008]

Hum.....maybe he found that special ingredient from another girl. If he is spending time hanging out with his friends, how do you know that one of them is not a girl, how do you know that he was REALLY with his friends and not a date, and how do you know for sure that he hadn't cheated on you while high on weed?

[dead-dyke]

Hi, Flame.

 

It sounds like he is very, very confused. He may be correct in his feelings right now, and there is nothing that can be done about that. It's clear that he loves you, in my opinion.

 

Although this will be the hardest thing for you to do, you may have to leave him for a while. This may be the only thing that will make him realize his connection to you. It may take a while, so patience will be required. IMO, he needs to have you missing, and silent for a time before he realizes what you really mean to him. You sound like such a hard working, honorable person to make this work. He just doesn't realize what you really mean to him. Every man in this forum would be so lucky to have you at their side. This recipe isn't really missing any ingredient from you. That is HIS perception. You are bending over backwards to make it work. He needs to find the true ingredient, and that is only in himself, and for himself to find.

 

I wish this would have turned out more positive for you, and in time it very well may. But we won't know until it comes teetering on the brink. He realizes how perfect you are, but if he thinks he will find someone that will do all that you have done, and love him to the extent you love him, he is going to be sadly mistaken. But that may be what it takes before he realizes this.

 

On your side, it will be very painful to ignore him, and possibly see him w/ someone else, which is why you shouldn't maintain contact. It will only hurt you more. Maybe he doesn't think he wants someone else, and maybe he needs a time out, and that's all. There is no way to know. This will probably be the most difficult thing you are going to have to do. But it may be the only thing you can do.

[carhill]

He says your name way too many times and is talking in riddles. Sorry. If he's a no-go for MC, I think this one is done.

[Ariadne]

Does separation always lead to divorce?

 

Sounds like you are heading there.

 

It may happen while you are separated that he meets someone else and starts a new life, usually guys recover faster with a new girl.

[steveraves]

This is the most important problem AMy. After 4 yrs of living together I still don’t feel a connection with you that makes me want to run home to you. I want to be in love with you like you are in love with me Amy.

This is weird. He's basically saying he's never felt a connection with you. So why marry you then??

 

I want to be like that so so so bad. I want to find comfort in you like maybe you find in me. I want you to be my escape. You are perfect in so many things, but this is the most important thing that keeps couples together Amy. All these things I want so bad, but it’s not in my hands to feel this. It’s in your hands to make me feel this way.

 

You being is escape, to me at least, is a distorted view of marriage. Marriage is a partnership not an escape from life. If I'm reading this correct he's viewing marriage being an escape is the most important part of marriage and that's what keeps couples together. Again a distortion of marriage in my view. "All these things" what things? He's only mentioned that he wants you to be their as his "escape". You becoming his "escape" is in your hands. Since "it's in your hands" it sounds like there's something he's expecting you to do. You might want to ask him what it is that he expects or wants you to do.

 

I feel like after 4 yrs of marriage I succeeded as a husband in an important way, and that was to make you happy to sit iwht me and spend time with me and love me like you do.

 

What a conceited ass. He let you sit with him, spend time with him, and love him like you do. Those are all things that benefit him, not you. He's done nothing here for you yet he's the success.

 

You always said you have the **** end of the stick and I don’t believe that anymore, I feel u are the lucky one. To be in love is to be alive Amy.

 

Up above he said he has never felt that connection with you after 4 years, he admitting here in a roundabout way that he doesn't love you, and I question if he ever did.

 

I know I fell short it many things with you Amy, like taking you out and making you feel like a priority and all the things u told me before, but the most important thing is. I have a special connection with you, at least that is what I feel. You want to sit with me b/c maybe you feel that I offer you something you cannot get from anybody else. Otherwise, why do you love me so much? Even though I don’t do the small things that you say would make you happy, I still succeeded in having you love me. That is the most important thing.

 

Again this is all about him and that he's such a great person when he's not, and he's all over the place here. The things in a marriage that are important like taking you out and making you feel like a priority, doing the small things that would make you happy he hasn't done, and he's admitting it. Because you still love him after he hasn't done anything for you except letting you sit with him, he views himself as a successful husband.

 

He has a special connection with you.. which is kind of a flip flop from above.

 

The more I think about it the more I understand why we keep going into these cycles. If you had your special way with me and your own special ingredient with me Amy, then everything else that you ask for would follow.

1) Taking you out

2) Wanting to sit at home with you with nobody else there

3) Opening up to you

4) Making you feel like u are my priority in life

5) Making you feel love

 

He wants something from you that you're not giving him. Whatever that is, and my guess is either he doesn't know or he won't tell you. He seems very passive agressive. If you gave him what he is looking for then he'd reward you by taking you out, wanting to sit at home with you, opening up to you, making you feel like your a priority in his life, and making you feel loved.

 

I don’t know Amy, when you want something you seem to just ask for it . And I don’t know if it will come that way with me.

 

Makes me doubt he'll tell you what he needs..

 

You telling me, ok Mitch i want to go to my parents house once a week, you can take me out once a week, you have to stay home with me once a week. Go out with ur friends 2 days a week, I just don’t think that’s th way it is done.

 

This makes me think he's looking for support from you, but you have these demands. He may feel all these things you're asking for take priority over him and his needs..

 

There is something important missing here and I think its that special connection. I won’t say that special connection is a lack of love from my side, b/c if I didn’t have any love for you Amy then it would have been over such a long time ago. We have built a relationship in the past 4 yrs of living together, but there is just 1 ingredient missing. Your ingredient in the relationship Amy. Your magic touch, that’s whats missing. I feel that is what it is, b/c everything else that makes u unhappy from me, would come if you had that special ingredient and were able to bring me closer to you.

 

Again with the special connection. He doesn't view himself as the one being wrong, although above he admits to falling short. You're the one at fault, you haven't provided that "missing ingredient". This all seems very passive aggressive to me. He wants something from you that you're not giving him and because of that he's holding back giving you what you want, those five things listed above. Is it possible he's telling you what he needs and you're not hearing it? I'll assume he hasn't because he fails to be specific here. "Your magic touch" is missing whatever that is.

 

You can try counciling. If he is passive agressivewatch yourself because their very good at making themselves appear to be the victim and you the bad guy.

[carhill]

You can try counciling. If he is passive agressivewatch yourself because their very good at making themselves appear to be the victim and you the bad guy.

 

You just ain't shyting gold nuggets there, friend. Been there, done that, paid the psych bill

[steveraves]

You just ain't shyting gold nuggets there, friend. Been there, done that, paid the psych bill

 

 

No kidding. I believe my stbxw has a passive aggressive personality. Nothing is ever her fault, she is/was very good about making me look bad and putting herself in the light of looking like a poor victim.

 

The problem with personality disorders is there hard to treat to begin with, and often the person who has the disorder doesn't see it or won't believe it which makes treating it near impossible. Unfortunate, but true.

[Flame84]

im so sad, he dosent even call me., he calles once every few days to check or ask for somthing, he says he dosent want to hurt me, with his emotional rollercoster, give me hope then take it away... my friend says he is pushing me away , but when i saw him last week, he looked so sad and so lost and so unsure, he says sometimes he thinks of making me hate him, so i can move on and be happy . casue he is not sure he can make me happy, he dosent know what he wants, he is carreer is not so good and i belive he is depressed casue of that, he was always mad about our finacial situation even befor the ressison, he feels like a falier sometimes casue he cant bring as much money to the tabel... and i tried to always be supportive and show him its ok...

 

i dont know if he dosent love me any more and he is just acting as a gentelman,(casue he has such a kind heart even with enmies)

 

or he is too sad and too depressed and its like his boat is sinking and he is trying to push me out so i dont fall with him...

or maybe thats just my wishful thinking , that he still love me,

 

he hasent said it once that he still love me, he keep saying we need to put all good things aside and foucus on the bad ones that needs solving, but he dosent give any approches to what would he think good to solve them , while i do and i try to be positive , he just keep brining more negative and what ifs to the tabel....

 

i dont know what to do any more , my pride is hurt , my heart is wounded.

should i walk away even though am not sure that he dosent love me any more,

or should i stick around and stand by him ,thinking maybe its a down phase and will pass. but what if its not,

god im going craaaazzzzzy.

[doomed]

Like you, I am separated and don't want to divorce. I'm the one out of the house. I'm trying to see the parallels in our situations because of the way you notice what he doesn't do.

 

He doesn't call: One of the things often said here is when one spouse walks, do not bug them, go no contact and let them see and feel what its like to be alone.

 

He didn't hold you and comfort you: I've heard this many times from my missus. I've said "because I never feel entitled anymore because of everything you say when you're not in need of comfort". WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME OR TELL ME ITS OKAY ?

 

Could that be your H, just not feeling entitled and unable to read your mind ?

 

One gripe I have about my missus is how she always notices what I didn't do. I feel like, and have told her, that for any given situation I might do 10 things about it, but if there were 11 things I could have done she will focus on that 11th thing and make THAT the most important or only thing I should have done.

 

Her shrink pointed it out to her in a *5* shrink meeting they had with us. A neuropsychoanalyst (inkblot lady, I call her) told her that throughout her testing she showed a tendency to look at the pictures and notice whats not there, instead of talking about what was there.

 

Could that be you ? Have you complained to your H: You didn't do xxx, but have him say yeah but I did, this and that and that other thing ? If so, then please coach him along on how to handle your needs because confusion exists and he needs to be taught how you want to be treated.

 

Maybe I'm speaking from my own denial, because I don't want my marriage to end and its WAY worse than yours, but it sounds to me like there's enough love to make your marriage work.

 

I disagree with the poster who said you shouldn't be his escape. You should be. You should be his escape, his haven, the one he runs to when the world has got him down. And he should be yours. You should be so to each other to such an extent that you're always together because of it.

 

doomed

 

Love is not just an emotion, its an action word. Love is something that is done, not just felt. Figuring out just what to do has always been my problem ...

[TrustInYourself]

In answer to your thread, no, if you do all the right things.

 

First step, cut him off. Second step, get rid of everything about him. Third step, socialize. Fourth step, reconnect with family and friends. Fifth step, do whatever you want, whenver you want. Sixth step, get in shape. Seventh step, reflect and grow from the experience.

 

Who cares what he thinks? He left you. Focus on controlling/dealing with your feelings. That's the problem here. Not him. It's you.

 

Wake up. Breathe deep. Your life is ahead of you.

[Iamagreatdad]

In answer to your thread, no, if you do all the right things.

 

First step, cut him off. Second step, get rid of everything about him. Third step, socialize. Fourth step, reconnect with family and friends. Fifth step, do whatever you want, whenver you want. Sixth step, get in shape. Seventh step, reflect and grow from the experience.

 

Who cares what he thinks? He left you. Focus on controlling/dealing with your feelings. That's the problem here. Not him. It's you.

 

Wake up. Breathe deep. Your life is ahead of you.

 

Just wanted to say that the above was an absolutely awesome post! As one of the ones on this board that is still realing with pain of a cheating spouse and a broken relationship, thank you for this simple note of encouragement. The hardest step is the first one.

[Flame84]

Like you, I am separated and don't want to divorce. I'm the one out of the house. I'm trying to see the parallels in our situations because of the way you notice what he doesn't do.

 

 

the one thing i ever complained about was that its not right to always miss my husband , i missed him and was always looking forward to spend time with, but he never gave me that time , and i wasnt even nagging it , i loved that man alot , and was always looking to feel al the love he said he felt,. i mean im sure he loved me or else he wouldnt stayed 7 years with me 5 of them married,

 

a mutual friend just told me that my Husband loves me alot , but life has beaten him down and he dosent want to fight any more. he is like those birds that just barry thier heads in the sand ,

 

me im a verrrry positive person , i dont care about not having money, as long as we have a roof and dont sleep hungry, i have dreams too , but im not gona be misrabel for not getting a bmw or travling 3 times a year, ill keep my head over the water till the tide gets lower and ill swim....

 

my husband is simply negative.depressed and he wouldnt let me help him.,

 

he called me and told me its easir for him not to call or get in touch withy me. casue he knowes he is doing me wrong and it makes him feel guilty but he cant bring himself around to do me right,

 

he says he know he is unfair to me.

i go to the point that if he needs Ciggretts and too tierd to go , ill go for him. i dont know , i just wish i have more strength, i cant belive ill not hold him any more, or have coffe with him in the morning,. ill sleep alone from now on,and we will not have a baby togeather like we always dreamd.

[Flame84]

he send me a text (happy valantines day AMy) thats it i sent back same to you. wish you a happier year to come.

 

he didnt comment,

 

i mad planes with a few single friends of mine to go out as we cant stay home and just be misrabel. we went out for like 3 hours then i came home , wasnt happy at all and couldnt stop thinking of him. so i called him in a funny cheerful tone , i told him heey why are you bieng so cheap ,, every one called and wished me a happy valantines daya nd u sent a text , whats up with that , i know uve got free mintes to my phone,

 

he was semi ok with me and sounding kind of tierd, any ways alot of friendly talk , then stuped weak pathietc me , i was like

 

Mitch i want to sleep happy today , why dont you treat me for valantines day and tell me somthing nice and i wouldnt even hold you laiabole for it. ill know ur bieng nice to me on valantines day...

he was like what do u want me to say i dont like bieng put on the spot like that. and he got all cold.

 

then i asked him how did it come from working out our porlbmes or trying to find a soulution to not talking at all ,a nd now thinking wethere we are good fr each other or not,,,

 

he said Amy im not good for you i dont know what is it that you see in me , im really not good for you. and ill never be abel to give you what you want , i told him i never wanted more than to stop missing you , i just want you around me , i want you as a husband not a room mate. and he said i cant give any one any thing right now , im very misrabel and weak and i cant , i told him it makes alot of diffrance if he is unabel too (and i told him in that case im willing to wait and take it untill things get better )or he just dosent want to even try and he said , its not that , i just cant,

 

i dont kow why im writiing all that here , ive just been so misrabel and lonely , and sad,,

 

why did he changed so much , i never did any thing to bother him ,i gave up too many things in the sake of making him happy.

[in a daze]

sorry you feel this way, my valentines day sucked too. one thing that i learnede( wel am stilllearning) from this site is that if you want any chance of reconciliation, you cant disuss your relationship with him now. i have been separated for 12 days or so, and until last tuesday, everytime i talked or saw my wife, i would bring up the relationship, even though she asked me to give her time and space. this ALWAYS made the issue worse. that is a fact, and i still to this second have a hard time acknowledging it. i wish us both the best of luck!!!

[Flame84]

sorry you feel this way, my valentines day sucked too. one thing that i learnede( wel am stilllearning) from this site is that if you want any chance of reconciliation, you cant disuss your relationship with him now. i have been separated for 12 days or so, and until last tuesday, everytime i talked or saw my wife, i would bring up the relationship, even though she asked me to give her time and space. this ALWAYS made the issue worse. that is a fact, and i still to this second have a hard time acknowledging it. i wish us both the best of luck!!!

 

 

 

ohhhhhhhhh i just wish things clears up. im trying to stop myself complelty from contacting him ,but its so hard. i pray fro strenght for me and u.

[in a daze]

if you are ever in the boston area, give me a buzz, well have a drink

[husbndinthemaking]

Nope. I'm living proof.

[Flame84]

Nope. I'm living proof.

 

 

 

care to share??

[husbndinthemaking]

care to share??

 

 

Sure...

 

My wife and I have been married for over 7 years now and have a beautiful 2 year old girl. After the baby came, we started getting stale.

 

Well... A guy she had known, even before we got married, came back into the picture. He promised her everything under the sun. At this time, I was always like, "Yeah... whatever." and "But I want to do this!!!". It was always about what "I" wanted.

 

Anyway, I started sensing things were a bit off and checked her cell phone bill. Lo and behold, there were a ton of long calls to this guy.

 

I freaked out and told her to leave with our child.

 

Then I remembered a few things... I ran to the web and started looking for answers to help me. I found zaxxes.com and a few other sites like this one. I read everything as fast as I could. (It was like a marathon for me that day)

 

I then started following the rules set by zaxxes.

 

Needless to say, it took a few months. But now we are really happy and things are going well. I try and remain optimistic and she is happy.

 

If she is happy, then I am happy. End of story.(Hopefully...)

 

I come back here on occasion as a reminder to myself and to continue learning about relationships.