He bought a motorcyle?

[Lauriebell82]

Went to my boyfriend's house for thanksgiving over the weekend. I had a good conversation with him regarding marriage, he told me that a wedding will happen, but the proposal is going to be a suprise. (which I already knew) So I asked if he could give me at least any kind of timeline and he said it could be a month from now or 5 years from now. I told him that was way too long to wait, so he quick changed his mind and said "or maybe that was a lie, maybe it's going to be soon." He said he knew exactly when he would propose and how he would do it, and it would happen when I least expected it. He said that I was the one for him and that he even told me he would ask my dad's permission. The no-timeline thing bothered me a bit, as I would like to plan better than that, but I figured okay maybe he is trying not to ruin the surprise. So that all sounds nice huh?

 

The next day he goes out and pays $3,400 (in cash) for a motorcyle, and now says he is broke. What the heck? Is this some kind of trick or game? I'm not sure what to do now.

[shadowplay]

Went to my boyfriend's house for thanksgiving over the weekend. I had a good conversation with him regarding marriage, he told me that a wedding will happen, but the proposal is going to be a suprise. (which I already knew) So I asked if he could give me at least any kind of timeline and he said it could be a month from now or 5 years from now. I told him that was way too long to wait, so he quick changed his mind and said "or maybe that was a lie, maybe it's going to be soon." He said he knew exactly when he would propose and how he would do it, and it would happen when I least expected it. He said that I was the one for him and that he even told me he would ask my dad's permission. The no-timeline thing bothered me a bit, as I would like to plan better than that, but I figured okay maybe he is trying not to ruin the surprise. So that all sounds nice huh?

 

The next day he goes out and pays $3,400 (in cash) for a motorcyle, and now says he is broke. What the heck? Is this some kind of trick or game? I'm not sure what to do now.

 

Ugh. Get off his case!

[Lauriebell82]

Ugh. Get off his case!

 

I did. HE'S the one who started talking about bachelor parties and B.S. so that's how the talk got started. You can't tell me you wouldn't be frustrated with the situation.

[lexi29]

I think your boyfriend wants to marry you but not any time soon. If he is now broke you know he isn't going to run out and buy an expensive ring. I also think you are both going to drive each other crazy with the stress of when you might get engaged. I know that you would be thrilled if he just ended the suspense and proposed in the next few months. I'm guessing you would feel more secure in the relationship and would be more comfortable and happier in general. I've been there. I dated a guy (and lived with him) who seemed to string me along always talking about marriage and saying he was going to propose and then he'd make up all sort of reasons why he didn't (wasn't the right time, we got into a fight on a tuesday, he was scared, he didn't have the money right then, etc- all excuses). So I can understand your fear of wondering if your boyfriend will follow through.

 

Honestly you two sound like you eventually want the same thing- marriage, but you are in two different places in your lives right now. You are ready to settle down and take the next step and your boyfriend still sounds a little immature and not sure of exactly what he wants. He may be a great guy but still a little immature and in that college-guy state of mind where he just wants to hang out with his friends (and his friends are still a HUGE part of his life and influence a lot of his actions) and just relax and have fun. I think he definately sees a future with you (as he's told you often) but he sees this in the DISTANT future and not right away. He is content with the way things are and while he wants you to stay with him until he's ready to propose, I really don't think he plans on doing it any time soon.

 

However, I do not know your boyfriend, you would know him best, so do you think he is just toying with you when he says he could propose anytime from soon to five years from now? To maybe keep you off balance so he can actually surpise you? Do you know for a fact that he spent all of his money on the motorcycle? Seems to be a really odd thing to do right before Christmas. I mean why would he want to go blow all his money on himself when he would normally buy presents for his family and his girlfriend? Do you think it might be a form of rebellion (that he's tired of you asking about getting married) so he is deliberately doing something for himself (getting the motorcycle) and in doing this making it clear to you that a proposal wont' be anytime soon (as he spent all his money and will have to start saving all over again?)

 

I really wish I could say something to make you feel better. Maybe your boyfriend is just trying to throw you off and mess with your head (in order to suprise you) but I don't get that vibe. When men want to get married they don't have a problem proposing. All of my married friends, when their husbands were ready to propose they did it, they didnt' necessarily need it to be a huge surpise or anything fancy. I've been engaged twice (ex and current) and both times the guys knew they were going to propose and though we'd talked about it I really had no idea and both were a surprise.

 

I tend to believe that actions mean more than words but in your situation I really hope I am wrong and he suprises you with a proposal so you can relax and feel better about the situation.

[amaysngrace]

It could be worse. My exH bought a Harley after we had our second baby in less than one year.

 

Yeah, that's really daddy-like.

[Lauriebell82]

I think your boyfriend wants to marry you but not any time soon. If he is now broke you know he isn't going to run out and buy an expensive ring. I also think you are both going to drive each other crazy with the stress of when you might get engaged. I know that you would be thrilled if he just ended the suspense and proposed in the next few months. I'm guessing you would feel more secure in the relationship and would be more comfortable and happier in general. I've been there. I dated a guy (and lived with him) who seemed to string me along always talking about marriage and saying he was going to propose and then he'd make up all sort of reasons why he didn't (wasn't the right time, we got into a fight on a tuesday, he was scared, he didn't have the money right then, etc- all excuses). So I can understand your fear of wondering if your boyfriend will follow through.

 

Honestly you two sound like you eventually want the same thing- marriage, but you are in two different places in your lives right now. You are ready to settle down and take the next step and your boyfriend still sounds a little immature and not sure of exactly what he wants. He may be a great guy but still a little immature and in that college-guy state of mind where he just wants to hang out with his friends (and his friends are still a HUGE part of his life and influence a lot of his actions) and just relax and have fun. I think he definately sees a future with you (as he's told you often) but he sees this in the DISTANT future and not right away. He is content with the way things are and while he wants you to stay with him until he's ready to propose, I really don't think he plans on doing it any time soon.

 

However, I do not know your boyfriend, you would know him best, so do you think he is just toying with you when he says he could propose anytime from soon to five years from now? To maybe keep you off balance so he can actually surpise you? Do you know for a fact that he spent all of his money on the motorcycle? Seems to be a really odd thing to do right before Christmas. I mean why would he want to go blow all his money on himself when he would normally buy presents for his family and his girlfriend? Do you think it might be a form of rebellion (that he's tired of you asking about getting married) so he is deliberately doing something for himself (getting the motorcycle) and in doing this making it clear to you that a proposal wont' be anytime soon (as he spent all his money and will have to start saving all over again?)

 

I really wish I could say something to make you feel better. Maybe your boyfriend is just trying to throw you off and mess with your head (in order to suprise you) but I don't get that vibe. When men want to get married they don't have a problem proposing. All of my married friends, when their husbands were ready to propose they did it, they didnt' necessarily need it to be a huge surpise or anything fancy. I've been engaged twice (ex and current) and both times the guys knew they were going to propose and though we'd talked about it I really had no idea and both were a surprise.

 

I tend to believe that actions mean more than words but in your situation I really hope I am wrong and he suprises you with a proposal so you can relax and feel better about the situation.

 

Thanks for the advice. I know he spent the money on the motorcyle, I actually saw it and he told me (and his whole family) he he paid $3,400 for it. I think you may be right about the "rebellion thing" he's trying to tell me that he isn't going to propose anytime soon by blowing all his money on this. If that's the case I wish he would have just told me that he wasn't ready but would be ready in the future. His "well I want it to be a surprise" deal may be just a way of putting me off so i'll stay with him hoping he is going to surprise me. I hope that's not the case.

 

You are right though, that he isn't ready to get married anytime soon. I wish he would just come out and say that though, but he may think I'll leave him if he tells me that bc he knows I want to get married.

[amaysngrace]

Did he buy you a helmet?

[hotgurl]

LB

you need to relax about this. I looked back at your post you have only been dating for two years! and you already started talking marriage last Dec. Only a after 1 year of dating.

 

Take a deep breath and relax. Honestly how can you enjoy your relationship if you are always worrying about whne his is going to propose.

[Lauriebell82]

LB

you need to relax about this. I looked back at your post you have only been dating for two years! and you already started talking marriage last Dec. Only a after 1 year of dating.

 

Take a deep breath and relax. Honestly how can you enjoy your relationship if you are always worrying about whne his is going to propose.

 

I can't enjoy it. I think he gets some kind of sick pleasure out of watching me squirm too. I don't see how 2 1/2 years is a short amount of time, we are both financially stable, have a good relationship, enjoy living together, know each other's families. It's just not time for him though, and that sucks. So I need to either break up with him or live with it and neither are appealing to me.

[amaysngrace]

I think he gets some kind of sick pleasure out of watching me squirm too.

 

And this is the man you want to marry?

 

Did he buy you a helmet??

[Lauriebell82]

And this is the man you want to marry?

 

Did he buy you a helmet??

 

No, I don't like what he is doing to me. I feel like I'm some marriage obsessed freak, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to be back to my old self.

 

I actually don't like motorcyles, I think they are dangerous so I don't plan on riding on it. He said he wouldn't want me to anyway, until he was used to riding by himself. He bought a motorcyle now to have it sit in his parent's garage unti May when he brings it here. He said he saved himself 1000 bucks by buying it now or whatever.

[amaysngrace]

No, I don't like what he is doing to me. I feel like I'm some marriage obsessed freak, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to be back to my old self.

 

You need to back off of the marriage pressure you are putting on him. You both need to agree that it's the right thing for both of you.

 

I would just calmly talk to him and let him know how this motorcycle purchase is effecting you. How it's making you feel. And how it makes it seem like you won't be getting engaged anytime soon. Because you would really like that.

 

I would also ask him why he wanted to get the motorcycle. If he feels like you are putting too much pressure on him and are making him want his freedom. Ask him if his love for you has changed.

 

Once you talk about this with each other with respect for each other you will have a better understanding of where it all stands.

[2sunny]

it's his blatant way of saying the proposal is later not sooner like you want it to be.

 

i'm assuming that he also didn't talk with you about the purchase ahead of time. this is an indicator that he isn't mentally "partnering" with you. it's his way of telling you that he can and will still do things the way he wants to when he wants to because he owes you NO obligation and wants NONE of your input.

 

a loving relationship would be if the guy said - hey honey, i'm considering getting a motorcycle... what do you think?

 

but he went behind your back (not really he isn't intending to marry you now) and did what he wanted knowing you wouldn't like it.

 

is he usually selfish and passive aggressive this way?

 

either way - it's a clear signal that he's not your partner yet.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You're living together?

 

Look, I'll be blunt. If you want to get married, this is probably not the guy for you. He knows you want a ring; he buys a motorcycle and doesn't want you on it. BIG CLUE to what a married future would look like.

[Lauriebell82]

it's his blatant way of saying the proposal is later not sooner like you want it to be.

 

i'm assuming that he also didn't talk with you about the purchase ahead of time. this is an indicator that he isn't mentally "partnering" with you. it's his way of telling you that he can and will still do things the way he wants to when he wants to because he owes you NO obligation and wants NONE of your input.

 

a loving relationship would be if the guy said - hey honey, i'm considering getting a motorcycle... what do you think?

 

but he went behind your back (not really he isn't intending to marry you now) and did what he wanted knowing you wouldn't like it.

 

is he usually selfish and passive aggressive this way?

 

either way - it's a clear signal that he's not your partner yet.

 

No, actually we did talk about him buying a motorcycle. I know he has wanted one for years, so I didn't want to deny him something he wanted. I had told me that I wasn't into motorcylces but I didn't want to be controlling and tell him what to do. He actually did tell me that he might buy one PRIOR to our marriage conversation, because they had good deals. He is EXTREMELY indecisive (which he says he does not feel that way about me) so I think he was debating and they gave him a good price that he couldn't pass up. (which is what he told me)

 

Oh, he bought me earings for Christmas too and while they are beautiful, he knew that wasn't what I really wanted. All this passive-agressive stuff is frustrating, and I really wish he would have just told me how he really feels instead of loading the "I want it to be a surprise" b.s. on me. I feel that pushing the issue any further will cause issues, however I was hoping to address this very concern with our "marriage talk."

[Lauriebell82]

Does he think I will leave him if he tells me he won't be ready for a long time? So this is his way of "putting me off" in the meantime.

[Trialbyfire]

I doubt the bike has anything to do with you. He bought a bike for himself. It's okay to do that without anyone's permission, if you haven't joined your finances. It's his money.

[hotgurl]

LB,

his passive aggressive ways won't go away after marriage. Instead they will just shift to some new battle ground. Probably kids.

 

It seems more like this is a battle for control rather than for marriage.

[JamesM]

Does he think I will leave him if he tells me he won't be ready for a long time? So this is his way of "putting me off" in the meantime.

 

Quite possible.

 

I have to say that buying a motorcycle when he knows it is something you will not share with him is not a good sign IMO.

 

I think he is saying he wants to get married because he knows it is what you want. Yet in the back of his mind, he does not feel ready himself. While he loves you and thinks maybe he wants to marry you, he does not have the confidence to say he KNOWS he wants to marry you. Yes, I know what he SAYS, but his actions say differently.

 

You have a choice...do you want him more than marriage at this point? Or would you rather move on and find someone ready to marry? And yes, two years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone. By now, a proposal should have been made.

[lexi29]

Does he think I will leave him if he tells me he won't be ready for a long time? So this is his way of "putting me off" in the meantime.

 

 

That is a possibility. He knows you really want to get engaged but for whatever reason he isn't ready and he isn't doing a good job at telling you that. He's leading you to believe (with words) that he will be ready soon and that he has everything planned for that time (which would lead one to believe he plans to get engaged sooner rather than later or years from now because why would one alreadyplan a proposal that won't happen until four or five years from now!)

 

I think if you didn't pressure him (or if you didn't have any interest in getting married) he wouldnt' talk about marriage at all and probably wouldn't propose for a few years. Since you are very interested in marriage (and I'm not judging- I have a friend who bought her bridesmaid dresses before her boyfriend even told her he loved her yet she is now married to this guy and things are great) he probably says things that he thinks you want to hear. I have no idea how much he really means (if he's not being honest with you that is cruel) but I really don't think he would have any interest in getting engaged if you weren't pushing the issue. I do think he loves you and wants to be with you but on HIS terms.

 

Things with my ex "looked good on paper" and I enjoyed being with him but the marriage issue tore us apart. He was talking about marriage six months after I met him and we moved in together after only a year or so and from there is was downhill because he kept saying he wanted to get engaged (so I expected it) and yet had so many excuses and kept putting it off for years. I was young then so I waited around because I truly believed him and just thought he wasn't ready yet. Well he is 35 today and STILL not married so I don't think it was anything to do with me, he just didnt' want to get married and didn't have the balls to tell me that. Not saying this is the case with your boyfriend, in a few years he might be ready to settle down. I think you two need to have an honest conversation (without the passive aggressive bs he seems to put you through, whether intentional or not) and just tell him that you love him but you NEED some sort of a timeline (not a date for the actual proposal but does he see the two of you engaged in a year, six months, 3 years what?).

 

Because if you don't get some concrete answers you are going to start resenting him and this will tear your relationship apart. Or he will start resenting you for all the pressure you are putting on him if he's not ready to commit to marriage. I know it is tough but I honestly dont' think you can just sit back and say nothing (as people have suggested in the past). I don't think he's at that place in his life where he is thinking about settling down so he may be placating you with his talk of suprising you. Let him know its ok if he's not ready (if it really is ok,) and that you love him but you don't want to be lead on. So if he really isnt' ready he can stop the marriage talk and maybe you can relax and he really will suprise you in a year or so.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks Lexi, you brought up some great points. I feel like he isn't being honest with me, and believe me I SO tried to get some kind of idea. I even told him I didn't need a proposal date but just SOME idea of when he would be ready. He told me he would not give me a timeline and then he snuck the whole "it could be 1 month or 5 years." I kind of flipped when I heard 5 years so I made it VERY clear that I would not wait that long, so then he quick covered it up by saying "oh or maybe I'm lying, maybe it will be in a month." I really really tried and could not get anything. He didn't even say he wasn't ready, actually it sounded hopeful that he knew exactly when and how he would propose. I don't know if guys who aren't ready to propose think that far ahead.

 

As for resentment, it may already be starting to happen. I am upset and frustrated, and almost to the point that if he even proposes 6 months or a year from now I would not be suprised I would be annoyed that he strung me along. My, guy friend mentioned that the motorcyle thing was so that he could he could "get his toys" before getting married and me having a real say in it. Plus his friends all have motorcycles. (i swear that if they jumped off the empire state building he would too!)

 

So I'm at a little bit of a loss. Would trying to have an honest conversation (that I tried to do) help, or would he just not give me any answers again.

[Lauriebell82]

Quite possible.

 

I have to say that buying a motorcycle when he knows it is something you will not share with him is not a good sign IMO.

 

I think he is saying he wants to get married because he knows it is what you want. Yet in the back of his mind, he does not feel ready himself. While he loves you and thinks maybe he wants to marry you, he does not have the confidence to say he KNOWS he wants to marry you. Yes, I know what he SAYS, but his actions say differently.

 

You have a choice...do you want him more than marriage at this point? Or would you rather move on and find someone ready to marry? And yes, two years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone. By now, a proposal should have been made.

 

I wish he would just be honest with me and tell me that. But I think he really thinks that if I hear that I will break up with him. I don't know what to think. I love him so much and the thought of breaking up with him just tears me apart. However, I DID get over my ex of 2 1/2 years after ending the relationship and i never thought I would be able to do that. Being at his home with his family was wonderful, they all love me so much. I felt so bad, his mom even asked me when we were getting engaged. I didnt know what to say so I just told her "I don't know." I think she would be kick his ass if I ever broke up with him for being such a dumbass. She probably thinks we should be engaged too.

[Star Gazer]

I think your boyfriend wants to marry you but not any time soon.

 

Exactly. We ALL know this.

 

Your BF saying it could be a month from now to five years from now is very telling. Saying one month from now is meant to keep you on your toes, a "hook" so to speak, while saying five years from now is meant to be a BIG clue that you ought not think a proposal is right around the corner.

 

My gut tells me not to expect anything for another 2 years.

[Lauriebell82]

Exactly. We ALL know this.

 

Your BF saying it could be a month from now to five years from now is very telling. Saying one month from now is meant to keep you on your toes, a "hook" so to speak, while saying five years from now is meant to be a BIG clue that you ought not think a proposal is right around the corner.

 

My gut tells me not to expect anything for another 2 years.

 

Yeah, I think he meant what he said too. He shouldn't "keep me on my toes then" because then it just feels that he is giving me false hope and stringing me along when in reality he won't be ready for a long time. I want him to just flat out tell me he won't be ready for a few more years, and while I know he is TRYING TO with his suddle little clues, I'd rather him spell it all out for me. He won't do that though, and I am not sure why.

[Star Gazer]

Quite possible.

 

I have to say that buying a motorcycle when he knows it is something you will not share with him is not a good sign IMO.

 

I think he is saying he wants to get married because he knows it is what you want. Yet in the back of his mind, he does not feel ready himself. While he loves you and thinks maybe he wants to marry you, he does not have the confidence to say he KNOWS he wants to marry you. Yes, I know what he SAYS, but his actions say differently.

 

I couldn't agree more, James.

 

There's a striking similarity here between LB and her BF and me and my ex. We lived together. He went out and bought a motorcycle, I kid you not. I remember, it was blue. He was already broke. He said it was to save on gas.

 

We didn't talk about marriage to the extent LB forces the conversation on her BF, but I'll tell you that I was VERY confident that we'd be together forever, no matter how long it took to get married. I even had a promise ring.

 

After 2.8 years of bliss and just 5 months after buying that motorcycle, he moved out without warning while I was at DISNEYLAND the week before my first year law school finals.

 

"The End."