He bought a motorcyle?

[Star Gazer]

He won't do that though, and I am not sure why.

 

You know why. Because you've beaten it into him that marriage is SO important to you and you want it SOON, he's afraid that if he doesn't keep you on the hook you will leave him. He's appeasing you until he figures out what he wants and when he'll be ready for it. It couldn't be more obvious, LB.

[Lauriebell82]

I couldn't agree more, James.

 

There's a striking similarity here between LB and her BF and me and my ex. We lived together. He went out and bought a motorcycle, I kid you not. I remember, it was blue. He was already broke. He said it was to save on gas.

 

We didn't talk about marriage to the extent LB forces the conversation on her BF, but I'll tell you that I was VERY confident that we'd be together forever, no matter how long it took to get married. I even had a promise ring.

 

After 2.8 years of bliss and just 5 months after buying that motorcycle, he moved out without warning while I was at DISNEYLAND the week before my first year law school finals.

 

"The End."

 

Sheesh, that's crazy, my boyfriend did the same thing. (that he'd save on gas). He bought it cause his friends have them though..like I said if they jumped off the empire state building he would too. Our lease ends in 5 months and if we aren't engaged I am thinking about moving out. I'm going to try to drop it until then and then broach the conversation about me getting my own apartment. Not breaking up, but just taking a step back because he won't be ready. That's going to suck, but we just don't want the same thing.

[Lauriebell82]

You know why. Because you've beaten it into him that marriage is SO important to you and you want it SOON, he's afraid that if he doesn't keep you on the hook you will leave him. He's appeasing you until he figures out what he wants and when he'll be ready for it. It couldn't be more obvious, LB.

 

Yeah, that doesn't boad well for me does it.

[shadowplay]

A few questions.

 

If you knew that you'd have to wait a few years for a proposal from him would you still stay with him?

 

Will you end up feeling resentful/insecure even if he does propose relatively soon (in a few months - a year) because you'll feel like you forced it out of him?

 

Do you think once you're engaged you'll start getting insecure about setting a date, etc.?

[shadowplay]

Sheesh, that's crazy, my boyfriend did the same thing. (that he'd save on gas). He bought it cause his friends have them though..like I said if they jumped off the empire state building he would too. Our lease ends in 5 months and if we aren't engaged I am thinking about moving out. I'm going to try to drop it until then and then broach the conversation about me getting my own apartment. Not breaking up, but just taking a step back because he won't be ready. That's going to suck, but we just don't want the same thing.

 

I would move out if I were in your shoes. It's never a good idea to be living with a guy you're not at least engaged to.

[Trialbyfire]

Risk v. return.

 

To hold to personal boundaries always has the risk inherent in it, to lose the other person. To bend over has the risk of never getting what you want from the other person.

 

What's more important to you LB? The man or the marriage proposal...right now?

 

Having said all that, future life goals need to be discussed in a mature fashion, wide open and straight-forward. This means that you both have to lay it on the table, what your expectations are of each other. No more power games.

 

Also, why internalize all behaviours of your SO, to something that has to do with you? The motorcycle is all about him.

[Lauriebell82]

Risk v. return.

 

To hold to personal boundaries always has the risk inherent in it, to lose the other person. To bend over has the risk of never getting what you want from the other person.

 

What's more important to you LB? The man or the marriage proposal...right now?

 

Having said all that, future life goals need to be discussed in a mature fashion, wide open and straight-forward. This means that you both have to lay it on the table, what your expectations are of each other. No more power games.

 

Also, why internalize all behaviours of your SO, to something that has to do with you? The motorcycle is all about him.

 

He is more important then the marriage proposal. I would not be happy if I broke up with him, I would be miserable. If he doesn't propose over the holidays or whatever I'll be okay with it, but it's the 1, 2, 3 year wait that concerns me more.

 

As far as future life goal conversations, I have tried that many times and have gotten the same line. How do I go about it and get him to be honest with me? And will he percieve that as continuing to "nag" him about the issue?

[JamesM]

How do I go about it and get him to be honest with me? And will he percieve that as continuing to "nag" him about the issue?

 

I am not sure you can at this point.

 

And yes, continual conversation that even hints at a marriage proposal will sound like nagging.

 

Are you positive that he is not still going to get you a ring for Christmas? And you are certain that this motorcycle thing is not some smokescreen to get you off the trail? Guys have done things like that before.

 

If he wants it to be a surprise and unexpected, then he will have to go to great lengths to get there. At this point, any holiday or special occasion will be a time that you will be expecting a proposal from him, so I doubt he thinks any time will be a surprise.

[Trialbyfire]

He is more important then the marriage proposal. I would not be happy if I broke up with him, I would be miserable. If he doesn't propose over the holidays or whatever I'll be okay with it, but it's the 1, 2, 3 year wait that concerns me more.

 

As far as future life goal conversations, I have tried that many times and have gotten the same line. How do I go about it and get him to be honest with me? And will he percieve that as continuing to "nag" him about the issue?

If you're unwilling to lose him, you won't be able to hold to firm boundaries. The difficulty is, that when you don't hold to firm boundaries, it enables him to not have to meet your wants.

 

That's the problem with trying to be tactful while discussing life goals. Each time you discuss it, you're afraid to set a hard line for him. You fear losing him too much.

 

As you mentioned, your lease is coming up for expiry in 5 months. If he wants to discuss renewing, you can give him no timeline "it could be tomorrow, it might be in 5 months, who knows what it will be?". This is an all out game approach. Mature? Not very. Understanding, no. But it does get the point across clearly.

[Lauriebell82]

If you're unwilling to lose him, you won't be able to hold to firm boundaries. The difficulty is, that when you don't hold to firm boundaries, it enables him to not have to meet your wants.

 

That's the problem with trying to be tactful while discussing life goals. Each time you discuss it, you're afraid to set a hard line for him. You fear losing him too much.

 

As you mentioned, your lease is coming up for expiry in 5 months. If he wants to discuss renewing, you can give him no timeline "it could be tomorrow, it might be in 5 months, who knows what it will be?". This is an all out game approach. Mature? Not very. Understanding, no. But it does get the point across clearly.

 

The problem is there isn't any "hard line" without giving SOME kind of ultimatum (i.e. if you don't propose in 1 month, I'm leaving). I don't believe in ultimatums, I don't want to force someone to marry me when they don't want to. That won't make either of us happy. In May when our lease comes up for renewel I think I am just going to tell him that if he can't give me any indication when he would be ready to get engaged then I will get my own apartment and gain a little independence. I don't want to have to do that, I love him so much and don't want to live without him. But if marriage isn't on the table then eventually i will just resent him and be miserable.

[Star Gazer]

At this point, any holiday or special occasion will be a time that you will be expecting a proposal from him, so I doubt he thinks any time will be a surprise.

 

Agreed.

 

Even if he were ready NOW (which I don't think he is), he wouldn't do it during the holidays.

[Trialbyfire]

The problem is there isn't any "hard line" without giving SOME kind of ultimatum (i.e. if you don't propose in 1 month, I'm leaving). I don't believe in ultimatums, I don't want to force someone to marry me when they don't want to. That won't make either of us happy. In May when our lease comes up for renewel I think I am just going to tell him that if he can't give me any indication when he would be ready to get engaged then I will get my own apartment and gain a little independence. I don't want to have to do that, I love him so much and don't want to live without him. But if marriage isn't on the table then eventually i will just resent him and be miserable.

No, I'm not suggesting an ultimatum to get married. The point you're trying to get across is that his willy/nilly game approach to the future, can be given right back to him. He's feeling secure and smug. Shake him up a bit. Fear of loss works both ways.

[Lauriebell82]

I am not sure you can at this point.

 

And yes, continual conversation that even hints at a marriage proposal will sound like nagging.

 

Are you positive that he is not still going to get you a ring for Christmas? And you are certain that this motorcycle thing is not some smokescreen to get you off the trail? Guys have done things like that before.

 

If he wants it to be a surprise and unexpected, then he will have to go to great lengths to get there. At this point, any holiday or special occasion will be a time that you will be expecting a proposal from him, so I doubt he thinks any time will be a surprise.

 

Possibly, however he is really clueless when it comes to gift-giving etiquette, therefore I dont' think he is smart enough or smooth enough to pull something like that off. He actually does make good money however, so even though he blew his money on a motorcycle, he still could save for a month of so to buy a ring and pay it off. I was thinking my birthday (Dec. 30th) but that would be too obvious. My guess is that he will not propose during the holidays, as he did say when "I least expect it." But it won't be within a month or so, as he blew his money on a motorcyle, a season pass for a ski resort, and a snowboard. Its obvious he is buying himself a bunch of toys now while I don't really have a say in the matter.

 

There could be so many explanations for his behavior, which is why I was curious what everyone though. I have similar thoughts to everyone's points, but I will just need to wait and see what happens.

[Lauriebell82]

No, I'm not suggesting an ultimatum to get married. The point you're trying to get across is that his willy/nilly game approach to the future, can be given right back to him. He's feeling secure and smug. Shake him up a bit. Fear of loss works both ways.

 

I'm confused on what you mean. How do I give it back to him? Meaning I wouldn't say yes?

[2sunny]

so maybe i had the wrong person as passive aggressive.

 

you knew you both had a conversation about him buying a motorcycle and now you're mad that he did buy it?

 

that's crazy girl...

 

you are the one with the problem with what he is doing... so change YOUR ways about all of this.

 

either accept that he will live life the way he wants to when he wants to - or change the situation for yourself based on the facts of what he's capable of and not capable of.

[Lauriebell82]

Well actually i did give him a taste of his own medicine though. He asked if I was going to give him a "special treat" (meaning blow job) so i said, "Well I don't know, I wanted to surprise you, it could be anywhere from a month to 5 years." I've said it to him several times since and he said "Hey that might mean it might not be for a long time!" I laughed, it was really funny.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm confused on what you mean. How do I give it back to him? Meaning I wouldn't say yes?

Say he starts talking about renewing the lease. You turn his exact words about a proposal back to him, in reference to the lease. Make it non-committal and all about your timing and control, just like he's doing to you. More than likely, he's going to get pissed off. Let him steam for awhile and then, approach him about discussing your near (lease) and distant (marriage) future together.

 

If he's looking for validation of your future together, he'd better be prepared to provide validation of such, as well.

[Star Gazer]

Oh, he bought me earings for Christmas too and while they are beautiful, he knew that wasn't what I really wanted.

 

Are you the pot or the kettle? Weren't you the one who bought him something other than the Wii or X-Box or whatever it was that HE really wanted because YOU didn't want him to have it?

[allina]

I feel like you really tried to communicate with him and made it clear to him that you want some sort of time frame. I'm positive that he known the importance of all this to you and I feel like he's completely disregarding your feelings. I see NO reason why he can't have a normal, adult conversation with you about this. I'm starting to think this "surprise" talk is a bunch of BS. I don't think it's acceptable to not be able to communicate honestly after over 2 years.

 

As for the motorcycle, if that was the one and only issue I'd tell you to relax about it. 3k isn't that much money for a CPA salary. It doesn't necessarily put him back from buying a ring, it's just another way he wants to stay on par with his friends.

 

You said you two have a good relationship, what do you mean by that? What sorts of things do you guys have fun doing? What do you have in common? What fun plans do you have for the future? (trips/vacations etc.) I'm asking because sometimes it seems like you're a very separate part of his life. Like to him, life with you means dinner out and snuggling on the couch, but little else. Like a lot of the fun and exciting aspects of his life are elsewhere, outside of the relationship. I'm not sure if I'm explaining the idea correctly, and I'm not saying that this is the way things are, just something that crossed my mind. If this is the case then it might be related to why he doesn't want marriage right now. If he feels like by marring you he has to give up on all those exciting parts of his life that don't revolve around you marriage won't look favorable.

 

Also, another example I'd like to bring up. You mentioned a while back that your bf said to you that you would be perfect if it wasn't for all the drama. You said that upon hearing this you got super pissed and your bf later apologized. I don't think I brought this up then but I was thinking about how your reaction was the WORST one possible if you want a marriage bound relationship. It's possible that your bf was trying to address an issue he was having in the relationship by making the statement. He was not attacking you or being cruel. By flipping out and getting so angry you closed down communication and showed him that he was unable to speak to you about things that may be bothering him about you/the R. You also sort of proved his point about the drama. If your bf feels like you're too much drama and difficult to have a conversation with he isn't likely to want to marry you. In a relationship it's important to be able to speak up if our SO is doing something that we dislike. Instead of getting so mad, you should have calmly asked what he meant by his statement, asked for a situation where he felt like you were unnecessarily dramatic and TALKED about improving the situation. I'm not meaning to pick on you LB, I just remembered about this situation and wanted to say something. I strongly believe that having a relationship where both partners can bring up issues without fear of a fight and blow up is crucial in taking things to the next level.

[keechie]

LB, I wish I could give you a hug. I've read quite a few of the posts on here, and I know it is frustrating to wait for a guy who's not ready yet.

 

My initial reaction to him buying a motorcycle is that is totally something I could see my BF doing, (except my guy's a nerd and he'd buy a new video game system or a sword off eBay). He didn't do it to spite you- rather, as somebody mentioned, this is about him. He has told you that he wants to marry you and he's planning on proposing to you, albeit it will come as a surprise.

 

I see this as his way of relishing his last days of solitude. The reason I say this is because not long after I posted back in October, my own BF and I had a conversation where I asked him what was up, (kind of like a state of the union thing, since future-talk (not even marriage) hadn't been mentioned in like 8 months). Like I said in that last post, he said that he definitely wanted to marry me, but not to expect anything this year because he's savoring his last days of solitude. This doesn't mean that he wants to be single or sow his oats or whatever- it's more of an identity thing.

 

Anyway, I see this motorcycle as a symbol of something your boyfriend sees as his "solitude". After all, this is something that is a toy just for him, and not for the two of you. I know it's hard to keep yourself from thinking about it, but you should at least stop talking to him about it. Even when he mentions something, steer the conversation away by simply saying that you prefer to not discuss wedding details until you are really engaged. Let him enjoy himself and do his guy things. Seriously, because it will make him appreciate you that much more. Sometimes we act the way others treat us; he needs to you know you trust him and respect his decision, or else he'll become resentful.

 

I can't really tell if he's jerking you around, or if he has good intentions but he's feeling really pressured and acting immature about it. I would set up a limit for myself if I were you. Marriage obviously means very much to you. Don't give him an ultimatum, but do know when to move on if you have to.

[JamesM]

Well actually i did give him a taste of his own medicine though. He asked if I was going to give him a "special treat" (meaning blow job) so i said, "Well I don't know, I wanted to surprise you, it could be anywhere from a month to 5 years." I've said it to him several times since and he said "Hey that might mean it might not be for a long time!" I laughed, it was really funny.

 

This concerns me. So is HE thinking the proposal will be a long time off?

 

And to play this kind of game between the two of you will not lead to constant humor, but it will lead to problems IMO.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Maybe he’s already bought the ring, and the motorcycle is just something he’s always wanted with the added bonus that the purchase might put you off the scent. (???)

 

It’s rather hard to pull off any sort of “surprise” when someone is constantly at your heals pestering about when it’s coming. That’ll only prompt someone to get even more imaginative at bluffing and finding ways to get around the relentless snooping.

 

Shoot ... you’ve got me all twitchy and stressed out and I’m not even your boyfriend!!

 

By the way, how is it that you already know what your Christmas earrings look like? --- Are you one of those overly anxious “I can’t wait” sort of folks who are impossible to surprise with anything??

[lexi29]

You mention that he bought a motorcycle (and that you don't like them and he already said he was going to ride it alone with his friends) and a season pass for a ski resort and a snow board. Do you enjoy snowboarding or skiing? Did he buy you a season pass too? Is this something you are going to do together?

 

Your boyfriend is saying all the right things when you ask him but his actions are questionable. He seems to be all ME, ME ME and thats fine because technically you aren't married but you ARE a couple and while he shouldnt' have to give up things he loves (motorcycle etc) he SHOULD be including you and your life together in his plans and he doesn't seem to be doing this all that often. Seems like he goes and does what he wants and throws you some crumbs now and then. I'm not there so I don't know and he could be great in every other way but he hasn't seemed to have learned how to be part of a serious couple. That doesn't mean giving up your interests and your friends but rather incorporating your other half into those activities you enjoy. It sounds like he loves you and wants you to stick around but he doesn't appear to be ready for a live-in relationship much less marriage.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Assuming he isn't planning to bolt (which I don't think he is), Keechie, Amaysngrace and Lonely&Frustrated nailed it, in combination. You yourself said that he wanted a bike. As Amaysngrace proved, a guy getting a bike after he's married can lead to some significant problems (and quite possibly, the soon-to-be-ex-wife getting the bike in the settlement), so this is his last chance as a 'single' guy to go out and get whatever he wants without having to run it by you first. Once he proposes, he's committed; finances become a joint agreement (even though it's still in your individual accounts for the time being) and many women don't want their husband to get a bike.

 

So, now that he has the bike, when he asks you to marry him, you won't be able to say that you didn't know that he rides. You take him, you take the bike; they're a package deal now.

[Lishy]

LB, he is not ready for marriage and you are

 

You need to work out what you can put up with, you cant bully the guy into marrying you and you cant make him want it as much as you do.

 

Your chappie still has alot of maturing to do and you have very different goals at the present moment. Something has to give honey.

 

I can also understand 100% how this has pissed you off, as you know I am not into marriage but I would be screwing if my guy was leaving me hanging like is, it is not cool and you are right to feel so angry/let down/unsure.