Is it cheating to cheat on a cheater?

[MystifiedOne]

Searching the internet for advice in my situation I came across this site and it seemed like a place where I may get some answers.

 

Briefly, I am involved in an online game, or virtual reality if you will. I have recently become intimately involved (within the confines of the game) with a guy who, while not married real life is however in a long term live in relationship. It seems his partner has some issues with depression etc which have caused her to withdraw from the sexual side of their relationship, and he has turned to the game for both social interaction and sexual release. I am divorced and not in a relationship at present.

 

Neither he nor I are looking for anything more than enjoying each other's company within the game.

 

My issue is that he has very recently (before we became intimate) started 'dating' another woman in game. This woman is married also and has had prior 'partners' in the game, as has he.

 

Even though she 'staked her claim' to him as 'her man', he and I continue to private message each other and spend time in each other's company, both intimate and otherwise. There is plenty of opportunity for this as she lives in a different country to us and there is quite a time difference, not to mention the demands of being a wife and mother I would suppose, which necessarily limites her time online and opportunities for cyber intimacy.

 

My question is, is it wrong of me to still be involved with this man, in regard to his other in game relationship? Surely it is hypocritical of her to demand his in game exclusivity while cyber cheating on her rl husband? Obviously I don't think so right now, but would be interested to hear other's perspectives.

[Spectre]

Is this a joke?

[Geishawhelk]

Try turning off your computer and going out for a walk with a friend, and having a coffee, going to the park, and feeding the ducks.

 

It's called 'Living a normal life'......

[2sure]

 

My question is, is it wrong of me to still be involved with this man, in regard to his other in game relationship? Surely it is hypocritical of her to demand his in game exclusivity while cyber cheating on her rl husband?

 

I am trying to be objective and wrap my head around the whole second life thing. While it sounds crazy to me, there clearly is something to it because many people are very caught up in this form of escape.

 

You said in your post that none of you have any intention of these "relationships" to cross over into your RL. So, you do differentiate them. What is concerning is that you actually seem to give this second life game priority of RL. As if the game is more real to you than life.

 

I say this because you note that in RL the other people are married and that they have intimate relationships of some kind on line. Thats cheating of course. But what concerns you is not the betrayal of their real life spouses but the betrayal of their game life committments.

 

Now, I admit I dont completely get this and I am not being patronizing.

You need to reevaluate.

[MystifiedOne]

Perhaps I should have posted this in the infidelity forum, rather than under 'dating'?

 

I'm not quite sure why it's been assumed because I have an online interest it is either a joke or precludes me from having a "real, normal life".

I have a full "normal" life but also happen to enjoy the time I spend online playing this game. Do you not have hobbies?

 

Sure2, the betrayal of their rl spouses is not my concern, that is something they are already doing and I had no part in. My question was addressing whether there were some kind of fidelity/infidelity issues with regard to online relationships that mirrored the mores of society in real life, ie. he is "taken" therefore it's hands off, or whether it's every avatar for themselves and they're cheating on their rl partners anyway.

[O'Malley]

It seems his partner has some issues with depression etc which have caused her to withdraw from the sexual side of their relationship, and he has turned to the game for both social interaction and sexual release.

 

This is the classic affair excuse. Basically, he's getting his fix from his 'second life' and not making a real attempt to interact with his partner. Maybe you don't believe you have a problem with second life interaction, but he obviously does.

 

Another issue is that you believe you can become emotionally attached online and still stay disconnected from real life feelings developing on either side. This guy is using second life to fulfill his real life needs; continuing to go along with this makes you an accomplice to his actions. His girlfriend is going to feel affected by this in her life, and that's what matters here. His girlfriend isn't going to view this as a harmless second life narrative; she's going to feel that he's cheating on her with women online.

[MystifiedOne]

The thing here is, yes he is cheating on his rl relationship. So, given that, am I as the OOW if you will, in his in game reality supposed to feel I am helping him cheat on his online OW?

 

The reason this has come up is because while I feel it's her problem if she chooses to be 'with' a man online that cheats on her, it's not mine. Some of my in game friends that know of our situation tell me it's the same as real life and I should break it off with him as he already has a supposedly exclusive relationship with this other woman in game.

 

I don't see it that way however. As I said in my original post, she's married and cheating online with her real life husband, so why are her feelings my concern?

 

Should this man decide at some time to cease all in game relationships in favor of salvaging his real life relationship, while I would be disappointed to lose his company, I wouldn't pursue it further. I am not concerned with the rl versus fantasy aspect, just the in game dynamic and what others think is the 'right' thing to do in this situation. Does it mirror a real life situation, he's "her man"?

[serial muse]

What’s weird about this is that you’re drawing highly arbitrary lines – you’re asking about whether an online relationship has parallels to real life, when it comes to relationship etiquette and cheating – but at the same time you’re completely sidelining the RL relationships involved, as though RL relationships are somehow less important in the online world. Er, no. Don’t you see a problem here?

 

If what you’re asking is, is there a parallel between RL relationships and online relationships – personally, I say yes, but everyone’s going to have a slightly different take. But the extension of that is that relationships are relationships – so if what you’re really asking is whether it’s somehow worse to be the OW to an “exclusive” online relationship, then I think you’re making it waayyy too complicated.

 

The answer is, he’s a cheater, and one way or another – whether online or in RL – you’d still be the OW to somebody. No matter how you slice it or who you prefer to imagine is the BS in your situation. It’s not that complicated, really, if you’re willing to see the situation as involving mere people, and not as two compartmentalized separate-but-equal worlds. Taken in the larger view, there are about five people involved here, two of them unwitting BS, two of them cheating on their spouses, and one of them the third party (you).

 

If you believe that the worlds really are completely separate, then I suppose you can make up your own rules about dating etiquette online, and decide that they have nothing to do with how one behaves IRL. But IMO, it won’t change the fact that there are actual human beings behind the avatars, and they have actual feelings, including jealousy, lust, hurt, rage, sadness. So exactly how different can you really say that it is?