Isn't This Abnormal?

[AlektraClementine]

I feel like a jack*ass for asking this in the first place. I'm 31 years old.

 

My dude and I have been together for almost a year. We are among the mindless masses that have social networking profiles. He hasn't changed his relationship status. I've thought it over and I think it's intentional.

 

Also - I've got the PMS right now.

 

He's very active with his profile so I know it can't be something he's overlooked. He makes updates and the like all the time. Something tells me he's avoided changing the relationship status so that he doesn't have to stop getting the attention that single men get. I know I must sound crazy.

 

But I'm thinking of the little things. He talks about things like spending his life with me and how he would propose and where we should get married, etc. I know he loves me but I don't want to talk about marriage with someone who can't even admit that they have a girlfriend.

 

 

Any insight? Anyone care to tell me off and say that I'm too fixated on something minor?

[Spectre]

It's not so crazy, you'd think after a year he would of made time to change his status, but for some reason he hasn't. Does he check your profile a lot? If he does, maybe change your status to single and see if he says anything.

[amaysngrace]

I would be bent out of shape about it. Did you ever talk to him about it? What explanation does he give you?

[AlektraClementine]

Nah - haven't talked to him about it. In the past, I've spoken to him about inappropriate comments from girls.... at first his reaction was sort of "oh my god you can't be serious about being mad over facebook nonsense". I was very rational and told him that when this behavior goes on, I feel completely invisible. He said he understood and we haven't had that problem.

 

But before I bring up this issue of his relationship status, I really want to make sure that I'm not over-reacting to something that I really shouldn't worry about. I don't want to come across as completely insecure, which I'm afraid I will over bringing up this type of thing.

 

I know that a lot of folks on this site will respond with "are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone you can't talk to?" Look, some of us like to work issues out in our heads or bounce them off of friends first to try to rationalize the feelings before bringing them to the table. A common complaint about SOs is that they nit pick everything or nag about anything. I make a conscious effort not to do this.

 

If everything is a priority issue, then nothing is a priority issue. You know?

[amaysngrace]

If everything is a priority issue, then nothing is a priority issue. You know?

 

Um...no. If you can't talk about the little stuff how do you expect to talk about the big stuff?

 

Everyone else can only offer speculation but if you want the truth you should go to the source.

 

Otherwise you waste everyone else's time trying to figure out what's in his head.

 

Instead you should just ask him. I'd rather be seen as a nag than as timid. Or complacent. I'd may as well be a lamp. Oh no, I believe the term is doormat.

[AlektraClementine]

wow. ok then.

[amaysngrace]

wow. ok then.

 

You do what you want. It's your relationship.

 

But you asked so I answered. Sorry if I sounded hauty. I didn't mean to come off that way. But maybe that's how you took it?

 

On second thought maybe you shouldn't talk to him about it.

[Geishawhelk]

A common complaint about SOs is that they nit pick everything or nag about anything. I make a conscious effort not to do this.

 

If everything is a priority issue, then nothing is a priority issue. You know?

 

I'm afraid, as a former trainee Counsellor - you have a distinctly skewed idea about 'effective communication'.

 

If you perceive your concerns as nitpicking and nagging, then you have a poor self image about the worthiness of your own feelings, views and opinions.

You have every right to have these answered, validated and noticed, and they are just as important as his are.

[Star Gazer]

If you perceive your concerns as nitpicking and nagging, then you have a poor self image about the worthiness of your own feelings, views and opinions.

You have every right to have these answered, validated and noticed, and they are just as important as his are.

 

I like everything about this response.

 

I'd be bent out of shape about it, for sure. It's been a year. There's no reason why he shouldn't be PROUD to announce to the world he's with you and to even show you off.

[AlektraClementine]

You do what you want. It's your relationship.

 

But you asked so I answered. Sorry if I sounded hauty. I didn't mean to come off that way. But maybe that's how you took it?

 

On second thought maybe you shouldn't talk to him about it.

 

 

There's no way for me to decipher your motivation behind what you wrote so I can't very well think you haughty. I appreciate your advice however I don't take kindly to the doormat reference. I think that while communication is extremely important to a relationship, it is also important to choose your battles wisely.

 

However, the poster below you who said that I have some unhealthy perceptions about the worthiness of my opinions may be on the right track. I shouldn't feel worried that he'll think me insecure for his choice to not disclose our relationship to the cyber world. I does make me feel like I'm being hidden. If he reacts defensively or tries to make me feel like I am making too much of it, then he is the one who has the problem. Not me.

[Untouchable_Fire]

There's no way for me to decipher your motivation behind what you wrote so I can't very well think you haughty. I appreciate your advice however I don't take kindly to the doormat reference. I think that while communication is extremely important to a relationship, it is also important to choose your battles wisely.

However, the poster below you who said that I have some unhealthy perceptions about the worthiness of my opinions may be on the right track. I shouldn't feel worried that he'll think me insecure for his choice to not disclose our relationship to the cyber world. I does make me feel like I'm being hidden. If he reacts defensively or tries to make me feel like I am making too much of it, then he is the one who has the problem. Not me.

 

Interesting. I was recently called Haughty myself.

 

AC,

 

It's totally a guy thing. He won't close it unless you make him. There is a large chance that this is all about fear of comittment for him.

 

You have a lot of different approaches to take, I would suggest something direct. This is a battle you want to choose, believe me. He is leading other women on, and disrespecting you!

 

Perhaps if you don't want to tackle this directly, throw some attractive photos on your facebook and change your status to single. Then talk about the attention you get from it. Only change when he chooses to do the same.

 

I think your best option is to just tell him that he is either single or with you... not both!

[amaysngrace]

There's no way for me to decipher your motivation behind what you wrote so I can't very well think you haughty. I appreciate your advice however I don't take kindly to the doormat reference. I think that while communication is extremely important to a relationship, it is also important to choose your battles wisely.

 

However, the poster below you who said that I have some unhealthy perceptions about the worthiness of my opinions may be on the right track. I shouldn't feel worried that he'll think me insecure for his choice to not disclose our relationship to the cyber world. I does make me feel like I'm being hidden. If he reacts defensively or tries to make me feel like I am making too much of it, then he is the one who has the problem. Not me.

 

You're right. You have every right to be heard if he's making you feel badly in some way. That's where the doormat reference came in. It didn't start there in my head but it ended there. Sometimes I type too quickly without really reading what I've just written. I'm sorry if it came out the wrong way.

 

Geisha is right. You have a voice for a reason. To be heard. I just hope you can approach this in a way that doesn't end in a battle. If you can approach him calmly without putting him or you on the defensive that it your best bet to avoid one.

[norajane]

Does he have pics of you or the two of you together on his page? Or does he avoid putting anything like that up?

 

If you don't exist as far as his online life goes, that's the way he is keeping it on purpose. I'd discuss it with him. Guys in love don't try to hide their gf's so they can flirt with other women.

[berrieh]

I'm afraid, as a former trainee Counsellor - you have a distinctly skewed idea about 'effective communication'.

 

If you perceive your concerns as nitpicking and nagging, then you have a poor self image about the worthiness of your own feelings, views and opinions.

You have every right to have these answered, validated and noticed, and they are just as important as his are.

 

Very, very true. Cannot be repeated enough.

 

If you're in a relationship and you noticed this, you have every right to bring it up.

 

I wouldn't go in kicking and screaming or anything - but communicating isn't just about "THIS IS A PRIORITY ISSUE" - it's about sharing what you notice, think, and feel.

[AlektraClementine]

No pics of the two of us. To be fair, I don't either.

 

What's weird is that it's only online that he does this. Everyone in our circle, our families, our distant and out of state friends, all know that we are together and he never shies away from PDA. He acts and talks the talk. Like he's genuinely in love. He was even the first to say "I Love You", the first to introduce marriage into our conversations. I have been the hesitant one. Because I don't take any of that lightly. We really have a beautiful relationship.

 

However, he does portray himself as a single guy online. I might even understand it if he were just a casual internerd user but he is an avid participator on facebook and myspace.

 

You know, he talks a lot about his adolescence and how he was always the guy stuck in the friend zone. He's an overweight guy and I'm sure had self esteem issues growing up. He says that he always has had female friends and they loved him because he was the happy, funny, friend guy.

 

Maybe it's not about me at all and about his need to be paid attention to and his need to interact with women the way he always has. BUT. He has an awesome girlfriend now. A CUTE one at that! One who loves him madly and is wildly attracted to him and doesn't use him for his comforting nature.

[AlektraClementine]

You're right. You have every right to be heard if he's making you feel badly in some way. That's where the doormat reference came in. It didn't start there in my head but it ended there. Sometimes I type too quickly without really reading what I've just written. I'm sorry if it came out the wrong way.

 

Geisha is right. You have a voice for a reason. To be heard. I just hope you can approach this in a way that doesn't end in a battle. If you can approach him calmly without putting him or you on the defensive that it your best bet to avoid one.

 

 

Understood. No need to apologize and again, I really appreciate your time in offering advice.

[You'reasian]

Nah - haven't talked to him about it. ?

 

So I guess its not that important to you?

[amaysngrace]

It sounds as if you are in a good position to be approaching him with "why?"

 

Hopefully he'll open up to you.

[Dexter Morgan]

razy.

Anyone care to tell me off and say that I'm too fixated on something minor?

 

No, because this isn't minor. Only one reason to be on a social networking site, be active with it, and not change the relationship status.

 

And no, he didn't forget. And if he did forget, then his relationship with you isn't that important to him.

[AlektraClementine]

ok - I nipped it in the bud. I tagged his name in my profile as In a Relationship with So and So and he accepted.

 

Problem solved. He didn't even blink.

 

**wipes hands**

[Ayemtee]

Why does it matter if his online profile says single? Its not like he's actually walking around telling people he's single. What's the threat? What would make him afraid to admit being in a relationship online rather than in person? Maybe you're annoyed of the attention he's getting online by females who think he's single? It really isn't that big of a deal for you to be so worried. Of course you should voice your opinion and you did, and look, it was nothing after all because he did it without blinking.

[Brendi_thesnake]

Anyone can put anything they want to online but it doesn't mean it's true. What matter is how he is treating now and if he's being loving towards you.

[AlektraClementine]

Which he is. Very loving and caring. Another poster suggested that I didn't like the attention he got from other women. Maybe so.

 

Honestly I don't know why exactly this bothered me so much now after such a long time together. It was short lived and as soon as I stopped being pissed about it, I found a solution. It worked for me. Maybe it was the PMS.

 

The status change hasn't changed the activity on his profile but it's nothing too serious. No more inappropriate than some of the activity from guys on mine. No lines being crossed. I must admit though, it does feel a little better to be publicly together (online). Even for me, it saves me the hassle of having to email back and forth when exes find me and having to tell them that I'm taken after they've mustered up the courage to ask after several "polite" messages.

 

In the end, online social networking can be fun and a good way to keep in touch with friends. It can however, cause unnecessary irritation in relationships. Go for the quick fixes people! Talk to your partners, take matters into your own hands. Don't obsess too long about online stuff.